Project Happily Ever After

1. A silent line of vacuum cleaners, lawnmowers, leaf blowers and weed whackers.
   

   What happens on the Sex Holodeck stays on the Sex Holodeck.

2. A Nap Button for houses. When you press it, it encases your entire house in a noise-free bubble. It prevents the dog from barking, salesmen from knocking on your door, your kid from asking you for more juice or to change the channel on the TV, and your spouse from walking into the bedroom and asking, “What are you doing?”
3. A Female to Male Language Interpreter. Similar to those little hand held computers that give you Spanish words for English words, this one would interpret the things that women say in language that men can understand. For instance, when he asks her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing,” it will say, “Something is wrong. It’s your fault, and if you don’t immediately clean the entire house and tell me that you are sorry and that I look skinny, I’m never going to have sex with you again.”
4. Selective Hearing Headphones. They would tune out all high frequency and annoying sounds—such as whining children, screaming babies on airplanes, and Sponge Bob’s voice.
5. Mood Clothing. You wear it and it changes colors based on your mood. That way your spouse knows whether or not it’s a good idea to initiate conversation. Green = Now is a good time to ask me for a favor. Yellow = I’m stressed and could really use a hug. Orange = You’d better stay away from me if you know what’s good for you. Red = I might say “yes” if you mention the word “sex,” so go ahead and give it a try. If you don’t initiate, there’s always my vibrator, so no pressure.
6. A Brain Meld Laser. You use it on those pretentious, HTTs (holier than thous) who make snide comments about how they are better parents than you—or would be if they actually had any kids. You shoot them with the laser, they suddenly have a full body taste of what your life is like, and they say, “Wow, I’m so sorry. Here’s $100—so you can hire a sitter and have some time to yourself! On me. You deserve it!”
7. A Sex Holodeck. It’s like the one Star Trek, only this Holodeck allows two aging out-of-shape married people to see each other as they used to be or as they’d like to be—young, hot and perky. The background could change as needed, allowing couples to safely experiment with public sex and other fantasies in a safe environment that no one else needs to know about.
8. Expandable pants. Just by altering a button or zipper or something else, these pants fit and look just as sexy on you in the winter as they do in the summer.
9. A self-cleaning microwave.
10. A remote control that works in real life. You can pause those precious moments, fast forward through temper tantrums, rewind to relive certain experiences, and tape over those moments that you wish had never happened in the first place.
11. A Learn it the Easy Way Brain Transplant. Rather than building wisdom and resilience by learning things the hard way, you just insert this chip into your brain and, voila, you have the wisdom of thousands of persecuted people.
12. A Channeling Device. It allows you to send a message to your mother at 11:30 p.m. on her birthday that says, “Sorry I didn’t call. Today was hectic. Love you.”
13. Body Image Lingerie. You put it on and, poof, you look just like Heidi Klum.
14. A Mommy Time Out Room. Similar to the safe rooms that some people have in their homes, this special room is impenetrable to the outside world. Once mommy is inside, the outside world completely drops away. Poof. Gone. This room is fully stocked with wine and martinis, calorie free chocolate, a hot massage therapist, a pedicurist, the best vibrators and dildos ever invented, and a recording that repeats, “You are the best mother in the whole word.”

What do you wish someone would invent? Leave a comment.

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