What should you do about your marriage?
Friday, December 18th, 2009Many people write to me asking me all sorts of questions about their relationships. The details vary quite considerably but, in the end, they invariably all ask the same question, “What should I do?”
I could spend a lot of time answering every question, telling each person what I think I would do if I were in the same situation. In the end, though, most people don’t want to know what I would do. They really just want to know whether they are normal. They want to know this because they think that whatever they are feeling or wanting is wrong or irrational.
You know what? I don’t believe in irrational. I don’t believe in shoulds. I don’t believe that there is one right or one wrong thing to do. What I would do if I were in your shoes might be right for me, but it could be very wrong for you.
Only you know the answer. Only you know what you should do.
No matter the situation, no matter the details, no matter the story, it’s still your decision. It’s still your life. It’s still your happiness and your peace of mind.
Forget about all of the shoulds that are rummaging around in your head. Forget all of those worries about what other people—your friends, your parents, your relatives—will think of you. Forget about all of the excuses that pop up, the ones that continually tell you that you can’t have what you really want.
Push that all aside. Then ask yourself, “What do I want? What do I really want?”
Once you can answer that question, the rest will fall into place. If you really want a better marriage, then fight for it. Stop making excuses. If you need marital therapy, get it. If you need sex therapy, get it. If you need to be painfully honest with your spouse about how unhappy you are, do it.
You already know what you need to do. You already know what you want to do. You already know what’s right for your marriage. You feel indecisive not because you don’t know the right decision. You feel indecisive because you are scared.
Sure, every action creates a reaction. Sure, going after what you want might lead to undesirable consequences. Sure, your worse fears could materialize.
It’s also possible, however, that, in finding the courage to do what you already know you need to do, you’ll improve your life immensely.
You never know which way things will go until you make a decision and make a commitment to change.
Give yourself a gift. Take charge of your marriage and your life. Embrace change. Do the one thing that you most fear.
What should you do for your marriage? What are you most scared to try? What is holding you back? Let’s talk about all of it in the comments, so we can all help each other change for the better.
