Project Happily Ever After

I wanted a photo of dogs wearing lingerie. This was the best I could come up with.

I wasn’t planning on writing about the holidays at all this year. I’d already written a holiday guest post for Misadventures with Andi (not yet posted), and I’d figured that was enough holiday writing for one year. If I linked to that post and then reposted my How to Write a Holiday Letter post from this time last year, I figured I would have done my holiday penance, you know?

After all, there is a such thing as over-thinking a situation, not to mention over-blogging one.

But then the marketing rep at Eden Fantasys—the sex toy store–suggested I write a “what sex toys I’d like to find under my Christmas tree this year” post. I, at first, loved the idea, mostly because I’ve always valued non-conformity and I couldn’t imagine any other blogger writing a sex toy gift post.

In return, Eden offered give a $25 gift certificate to one lucky Project: Happily Ever After reader.

It seemed like a fantastic idea at the time.

But then I had to go and turn what could have been a very simple, very easy-to-write post into a massive trilogy—one that could not cover the same ground as the post I’d written for Andi.

For this trilogy, I had big, big plans. I was going to change the way married people saw the holidays. I was going to bring about domestic peace and goodwill like no blogger’s business.

I was going to hang a piece of mistletoe on the mantle of every married person’s home.

As you might expect, my posts didn’t quite live up to my expectations.

Monday’s post somehow turned into a rant about holiday shopping. Then, my 5 Tips for Better Holiday Communication drifted into a complaint about how kids (especially mine) talk too much.

And so, when I sat down today to write a list of top 10 gift ideas for the few married folks who are actually still having sex, everything felt just wrong. After I’d just written how I hated to shop and how I wasn’t buying anything for anyone this year, wouldn’t it seem odd to write about the sexy things that I wanted to find under my tree? Wouldn’t it seem as if I were just writing the post so I could get a free sex toy?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. Every middle-aged married woman could use at least one more sex toy as far as I’m concerned.

If nothing else, I’m an exceedingly honest and authentic person, though. I just couldn’t write the gift post. Just couldn’t. Instead, I’m going to list some random bits of wisdom that I’d meant to include in my earlier posts about the holidays. And I’m going to tell you what I plan to give my husband (and myself) this year for the holidays. And, if you follow the directions at the end of the post, you can still win that gift certificate. Domestic peace and good will: here we come!

Random Bits of Wisdom

1. Sometimes, when we argue with our spouses, we are really arguing with ourselves. For instance, have you ever ranted away like this, “I am not going to write thank you notes for your side of the family this year. It’s just too much work. I don’t know why I ever let you make me take on this job anyway. I work just as hard as you do. Why is it that I’m supposed to be the one who writes all of the thank you notes? If you want your family to have thank you notes, you’re going to have to take care of it, buster”? I certainly have. In fact, I said this very thing last year, right after I told my husband that, if he wanted his side of the family to get our holiday letter, he’d better address and stuff all of the envelopes himself. Thing is, I was really having this argument with myself. He couldn’t care one way or the other whether or not his family got a holiday letter or thank you notes. He just couldn’t. That’s why he’s never helped. But I felt bad about them not getting the letter and thank yous, and I felt guilty and inadequate for not being able to pull it off. I was projecting this onto him, telling myself that HE thought I was inadequate when, in reality, he thought no such thing. I could have shortened my entire diatribe to, “I don’t have it in me to write thank you notes. You want to do it instead?” and it would have been a lot more effective.
2. You don’t have to do anything. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or resentful, ask yourself, “Do I really want to be doing this?” If the answer is, “No,” then don’t do it.
3. You are not responsible for the happiness of others around you. Let your spouse, extended family and friends take responsibility for their own happiness. It’s your job to take responsibility for yours. If your spouse wants an 8-course holiday dinner and you are not up to cooking something that elaborate, allow your spouse to have that dinner—and cook it him or herself.
4. Stop confusing giving and pleasing. Kindness is a gift that you decide to offer. When you gift your kindness, it feels good because it is your gift to give away. When you try to please others—by doing whatever they ask of you—you are not gifting your kindness. You are losing a piece of yourself, so you feel resentful rather than good. We try to please others when we don’t have the self-esteem to know that we are lovable just the way we are.
5. If you want your spouse to give you a gift, give your spouse a clue about what you want, especially if you want something specific. Your spouse can’t read your mind. If you don’t tell your spouse what you want and your spouse ends up giving you something that you don’t want, it doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you. It means that your spouse doesn’t know what you want. If you think telling your spouse what you want destroys the surprise, then give your spouse a lift of gift ideas one or more times a year, so your spouse can choose items off that list for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

I Surprised Myself. I Do Have a Few Gift Ideas

The following gifts might improve your marriage. That’s why I’m suggesting them.

1. A partner massage DVD or class. My husband and I took a class many years ago, when I worked for a touchy feely company that offered these sorts of cool perks to its employees. Massage can be a great way to show you care. It feels good to have your partner’s hands on you in a non-sexual way, too. And, it probably goes without saying, massage can be a great prelude to sex.
2. Gift coupon booklet. This is a make-it-yourself gift. I’ve yet to find a commercially available gift coupon booklet that I didn’t think was excessively corny. You each create 15 coupons, writing down what YOU want your spouse to do for you. These “gift” ideas might be anything from allowing you to sleep in on a weekend to making you breakfast in bed to giving you a blowjob. Anything goes. You exchange booklets. You talk about the coupons. This talking about the coupons part is important, because it’s how you will get to know each other a little better. You each get to veto up to 3 of the gift ideas. (Say he wants you to cut the grass and you just can’t ever find it in your heart to ever do this. Veto). Then, over the year, you have to use all of the coupons. That means, roughly once a month, you look at the book, see something that your spouse wants you to do, and you do it.
3. An appointment with a marital counselor or sex therapist.
4. A romantic getaway, even if it’s just for a weekend.
5. A thank you letter. I was going to call this a “love letter,” but I think the phrase “love letter” sounds intimidating, as if you have to be some sort of poet to write one. Write a list of all of the things your spouse does and thank him or her for all of these things.

What I’m Giving My Husband

Last year, I started a tradition. I dressed up like Mrs. Claus and I rocked my husband’s world. This year I’m going to do the same, except I’m going to find a newer, better, sexier outfit, one that allows me to do a strip tease first.

I’ve never been any good at the strip tease thing, mind you. The whole idea of performing for my husband makes me feel like the world’s biggest dorkoramous. But if I’ve learned nothing else in the past year, I’ve learned this: I can teach myself how to do anything. If I can teach myself how to give a speech, I can teach myself how to give a strip tease.

At least, I hope I can, especially now that I’ve announced it to the world.

Here’s where you come in. I will give away that $25 gift certificate the person who offers the best advice on how to give a strip tease. Both men and women can participate. If you’re a guy, your can 1) tell me about your favorite strip moves, presumably the ones your spouse does for you—but the ones you’ve seen at a strip club will work, too 2) Suggest outfits that you think might work.

Ladies, you can also suggest various moves or techniques, or you can suggest ways that I can 1) learn more about how to give one 2) get over my dorkdom.

To be in the running to win, you must leave the comment here on the site–and not on the blog feed in Facebook. (Just click on the headline to get to the site if you are reading this in Facebook). If you read this blog via email, click through on the headline to get to the site, too.

And, no, this is not a surprise. My husband knows all about my plans. It’s too elaborate to keep secret.

Comment away. I need your help!

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