Free marriage advice: Part 5
Friday, January 9th, 2009
Do what you have to do to calm down.
In the months after we started working on our marriage, my husband and I fought more than ever—and over some of the stupidest things. One night we got into it over the VCR, and how neither one of us could figure out why it wasn’t working. Another day we had a knock-down drag-out over the laundry, and the fact that I’d done a load. (Long story).
We argued about the tidiness of the bathroom counter. We got into shouting matches over whose turn it was to be the parent. We slung insults over which night should really be the Let’s Talk night. (See Free Marriage Advice Part 4 for more on why you should have a Let’s Talk Night.)
It was ugly.
Periodically, I’d wonder: Shouldn’t we be fighting less? We’re working on our marriage. Our marriage is improving. Why are we fighting even more? Why am I angrier than ever?
We fought more, in part, because I was finding my voice. Whereas in years past I would have dealt with my displeasure with a loud sigh or an eye roll, I was now standing up for myself, and neither one of us was used to it.
I will tell you this: the fighting was much better than the not fighting. The not fighting almost wound us up in divorce court. The fighting? It always, without fail, brought us closer. More important, this spicy stage of our marriage eventually came to an end. We still fight, of course, but not nearly as often as we did then.
Fighting is Normal
Once you allow yourself to really and truly believe that fighting is normal—that even the happiest of couples lose it from time to time—you’ll be well on your way to fighting fair. When you find yourself in the middle of an angry face off, do the following:
1. Abide by the following fair fighting rules.
They are:
- Never threaten to leave.
- Never threaten to hurt yourself.
- Never express your anger physically, by hitting or throwing things at each other.
- Never involve the kids. It’s not fair to your kids. They love you both and they don’t want to take sides. Don’t make them.
- Never involve other people. It’s okay to vent anger to a friend, but don’t lure friends and family into a fight by forcing them to take sides or, in some way, participate in the argument.
- Never fight while one of you is at work. It’s just not good for your career, and things that are not good for your career are also not good for your marriage.
It’s a great idea to try to never sling insults at one another, either, but know that—at times—you just will. You are both human. Yours is still a good marriage in training. You will have a few fender benders along the way. Deal with the damage and move on.
2. As soon as you are somewhat lucid, call a time out.
Say, “I’m so mad at you right now I could cut your balls off.” Or something like that. Be creative. The more creative you are about describing your anger, the more likely one or both of you might just laugh and, if that happens, the anger will drop down one level. Once you state the obvious, say, “Let’s take a time out until we both calm down.”
3. Calm down.
Do whatever it takes. Exercise. Break a few glasses in the sink. Breathe deeply. Do serious damage to a punching bag. Call a friend and rant. Do whatever it takes to get the anger out of your system.
4. Remind yourself that your objective is NOT to win.
This isn’t Wii boxing. It’s your marriage. Your objective is to come to a common understanding. As you calm yourself down, try to stop formulating comebacks and zingers. Instead, try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective. Don’t even bother opening your mouth again until you can do this. If needed, table any further discussion until your Let’s Talk Night.
5. Apologize, even if you don’t think you are wrong.
Learning how to say those two important words, “I’m sorry,” will not only improve your marriage, it will also improve your entire life. And it’s okay if you are not sorry for whatever caused the blow up—say for making your spouse’s least favorite meal for dinner. You can say, “I’m sorry you are so disappointed with me” or “I’m sorry that fight got so ugly,” or “I’m sorry I got so angry.”
How to Prevent a Blow Up
Anger usually surfaces for the following reasons:
Grumpiness. One or both of you is sick, tired, not sleeping well, hungry, or not eating right. Doing what you need to do to take care of yourself—by getting plenty of sleep, exercising, relaxing, and so on—will improve your marriage by making you a less tense and moody person.
Stress. Problems at work and in other areas of your life can easily stress out your relationship, too. If you are the type of person who likes to brood quietly, learn how to communicate this to your spouse. You might just say, “Something’s bothering me. If I seem grumpy or standoffish, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you.”
Not speaking your voice soon enough. Too often, we get ticked off about something but, for any number of reasons, decide not to say anything about it. Then, time goes by, but the anger simmers and simmers and simmers. Left unaddressed, it will eventually boil over.
So whenever you find yourself slamming drawers, throwing laundry on the floor, or just generally fuming about something your spouse did or did not do, stop and do the following:
1) Think about what’s wrong. How do you feel? Angry? Taken advantage of? Overwhelmed? Label the feeling.
2) Why do you feel this way? What happened, and how did it lead to this emotion?
3) Is the emotion legitimate? Be honest with yourself. Are you just grumpy or did your spouse really do you wrong?
4) Get it out of your system—and not when your spouse is around. Go for a long run or walk. Call a friend and rant for a while. Write in your journal (or blog).
5) Once you are calm, address it. Tell your spouse how you felt and why. Talk about how to prevent this problem in the future. Would you appreciate a change in behavior? For instance, do you want your spouse to not talk to you in a certain tone of voice, not make fun of you in front of your friends, or not ignore the kids? Ask for what you need.
This brings us to the end of this Free Marriage Advice series. I hope you found it helpful. Do you have questions about how to improve your marriage? Leave a comment or email me directly. I will try to answer these questions either here in the comments area or in future blogs. Good luck!
