Project Happily Ever After

My husband is like one of those contestants in The Biggest Loser who makes such an amazing transformation that you are not even sure the man in the end is the same person you saw in the beginning. The difference is that he did not lose weight. Instead, he lost my hatred of him.

There's a prince in there somewhere!

Yeah, that’s right–I used to despise his ass. Not a day went by that I didn’t, you know, wonder how wonderful my life would be if robbers would conveniently shoot him dead.

Oh, I had plenty of scenarios regarding how he might conveniently cause the need for me to plan a funeral, but you get the idea.

I despised him for many reasons. I won’t list all of them because it would make me seem sour and catty. Basically, I felt as if he did not love me or our daughter, and that he showed this lack of love by working too much, going out with his buddies too much, riding his bike too much-basically never being home too much. He talked down to me. He watched me wither away from post partum depression-and not only did he not try to help me, he didn’t even notice that I was going down the tubes.

Okay, I will stop now because if I go on much longer, I might start wanting him dead again.

So that’s the before. Here’s the after. My husband washes the dishes without being asked. He carries heavy things for me. He opens my car door. He asks me to bend over so he can whistle at my rear end. He never misses a moment of me getting dressed or undressed. When I arrive home from the grocery store, he immediately comes outside to help carry in the groceries. Not only is he home a lot more often, he also has stopped asking me whether or not he can go out on nights other than his usual night out.

He even sat through a Woody Allen movie with me, and he didn’t complain once. He actually lied and said that he enjoyed the entire experience.

It’s as if he’s dating me all over again.

When I mentioned recently that I’d gained weight, he looked at me for a really long time and said, “Are you sure? I just don’t see it. You still look skinny to me.”

I made dinner tonight. About my sautéed mushrooms and onions, he said, “Those were the best onions and mushrooms I’ve ever had. How did you make them?”

And he really seemed to want to know.

Oh yes, he is a total dreamboat. He’s as good as they get.

How did I do it? How did I take Mr. Should Be Dead and turn him into Mr. Stay With Me Forever?

I gave him a brain transplant.

Kidding!

I worked really, really hard.

Some of what I did can be found in my guest post “Does your husband annoy you?” at the Storked! blog at Glamour.com.

Here are some additional tips.

State the obvious. Sit down. Acknowledge that you’re one step away from a War of the Roses situation. Say that you want to feel in love again. Talk about what you both need from one another to make that happen.

Forgive the past. Yeah, he may have been a bad, bad boy. Stop dwelling on it. He can’t do anything about it now. Sit down one night, list all of the past things he did or did not do that hurt you, give him a chance to say “I’m sorry,” spank him, and move on. You think I’m kidding about the spanking part, but I so am not. I spank my husband all the time. It makes me feel better, and he seems to like it.

Figure out what you want, and ask for it. Most marriages crumble from lack of communication. We women get pissed off, but we want our men to show how much they love us by guessing not only that we are ticked, but also why we are ticked. Now here’s something important that I’ve learned about men: they do not have ESP. Sorry, they just don’t. If you don’t like something he does or does not do, tell him.

Don’t order him to change. That’s like ordering around a 2 year old or a teen. Just doesn’t work. To get what you want, you need him to want what you want, too. Ask for change because you love him, and because you want your marriage to work–and not because he owes you. Phrase your requests like, “Honey, I would love to be in the mood more often for sex, but I have a hard time getting in the mood when your socks are all over the floor. Could you pick them up more often? I’d really like to jump your sexy bones more often, and you picking up your socks would help me achieve that goal. What do you say?” See? How on Earth could a man argue with such a request?

Argue only when you are calm. If you want to strangle him, you are not calm. Find ways to calm yourself. Have discussions ONLY when you can 1) keep your voice even and perky sounding 2) make eye contact without inflicting optical pain 3) listen to his side of the story without simultaneously thinking about your comebacks and zingers.

Put him on a schedule. You don’t need to be together every single night. You really don’t. You both need space, and that space will dramatically improve your marriage. You’ll both develop an identity. More important, when you separately go out into the big world outside of your house, you come home with stuff that you can actually talk about. Give him a night out—just for him. Give yourself such a night two. Have a family night, and have a date night. Try to make your date night a sex night. That way your sex life will stay alive.

Accept what you cannot change. No man is perfect. He might be good in bed, but a terrible conversationalist. He might be super neat, but not so good with an oven mitt. Reward his strengths and accept the weaknesses that are wired into his DNA.

Have sex, even if you don’t want to. Yes, it’s that important. Just do it. If you can’t get in the mood, watch girl on girl erotica or read something similar. Really—don’t call me nasty until you’ve tried it. For more ways to get in the mood, see 12 surefire ways to get in the mood.

Be patient. It took my husband a year and a half to fully make this transformation. There were plenty of moments along the way when I thought the funeral was definitely the better option. It’s like training a kid to stop biting his nails. It takes a long time to break a bad habit. Please note: not every man can be trained and not every marriage can be saved. If he doesn’t want to change, or if any amount of change will not make you happy, it might be time to consider the funeral, um, I mean divorce papers.

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