Project Happily Ever After

Even When You’ve Got a Brood of Kids

What follows is how several bloggers, experts, and authors keep their marriage strong no matter how much chaos ensues at home. Do you notice a theme?

Feed them and then shoo them away. “I love family meals, in theory,” says Denise Schipani, author of the upcoming Mean Moms Rule (don’t you just love the title? Pre order it!) and creator of Confessions of a Mean Mommy. “But I also l like that we’ve fallen into the routine of feeding our boys weekend breakfasts early, then having our second (and third) cups of coffee and our own morning meal while they disappear to other pursuits. It’s like a mini-date, without makeup. Also helps that my husband likes to make eggs for me.”

Enforce bedtime like a drill sergeant. “Our boys get shooed upstairs at a predictable time each night,” says Schipani. “They don’t have to tuck up in the dark, necessarily; they can play or read or whatever. As long as they don’t come back downstairs. I need my mom switch to slide to off at a certain time, and just be with my husband. It’s not as though we’re slow-dancing in the living room (sometimes we barely even talk), but we’re not actively being parents.”

Ask for “Private Time.” “One of our most inspired ideas as parents of young kids was the initiation of Private Time,” says Kimberly Ford, author of Hump: True Tales of Sex After Kids. “We simply told the kids: ‘We’re having Private Time! Get lost!’ Well, maybe not quite in that tone, but often pretty close to that. Private Time could be a glass of wine in the living room, a game of cards on the patio, a ten-minute walk with the dogs, or, yes, an interlude in the bedroom with the door shut and the music turned up loud. One important point here is that the kids–during Private Time–get to have Media Time, which means that everyone is happy.”

Make “sexy” an all-day-long affair. “When our youngest kids turned about 5, I learned to embrace my sexual energy all throughout the day instead of seeing myself as the poor Mom who was stuck with all these responsibilities,” says Gina Parris, founder of WinningAtRomance.com and SexyMarriageSolution. “I practiced fantasizing about getting alone with my husband and returning to hot mama status. I wish I had practiced that many years earlier from the time the youngest ones were tiny. When I approach my husband feeling beautiful and sensuous, somehow it doesn’t matter that I’m a little tired or there is baby puke on my shoulder – because all of it is part of a beautiful sensuous life.

Make date night a hot night. “Dating isn’t just something you do,” says Shela Dean, relationship coach and author Frequent Foreplay Miles. “It’s a mindset. Having a 24/7 generous, what-can-I-do-for-you attitude goes a long way toward keeping a couple bonded. When it comes to date night, however, try this: Guys, get dressed and get out. Go have the car washed, get your shoes shined, or pick up flowers. Ladies, take that time to primp. Crank up the music, pour yourself a glass of wine, take a bubble bath, give yourself a facial, and dress in whatever makes you feel great so that when he rings the door bell at the appointed time, you’ll feel and look your sexy best. Start and end your date with a good, long, smooch. If you end up making out in the car, all the better! When you get home, let dad take care of the babysitter—he won’t lose the mood. Mom, by-pass the babysitter, go straight to the bedroom and don your sexiest nightie. Don’t even stop to ask how the kids were. Once you do, you’re back in mom mode and out of date mode. One last tip: when you’re on your date, DO NOT talk about the same old stuff. Leave it all at home.”

Have a date every day. “My gift to the hubby for Christmas this past year was 52 dates in 2012,” says Danielle Cooper, who blogs at TheBestofPa. “Seeing that we are no millionaires-like not even close- I have set up lots of at home micro dates. This requires waiting till AFTER the kiddos go to bed, and some creativity. Thus far, we have had a game night involving small bets with Monopoly Deal, a spa Night- complete with candles, soft music, lotion and a back rub, and alas a mini treasure hunt. It has been wonderful for the romance! And I can say my love has bloomed since we began this venture.”

Eat slowly. Savor every bite. “We make it a point to connect after the kids go to bed. And we also have discovered that since our kids eat faster than we do, they leave the table sooner so we eat slow and take advantage of the latter part of dinner together. Starts as a family dinner, ends as a dinner for two,” says Corey Allen, creator of SimpleMarriage.net.

Have a Parent’s Night In (PNI). “So, we absolutely love being able to get out of the house and enjoy a quiet (or not so quiet) date night by ourselves. Unfortunately, with three small kids and a lack of free babysitting, nights out on the town just can’t happen as often as we’d like,” says Dustin Riechmann, creator of Engaged Marriage and Fit Marriage. “Our solution? Date nights IN – we get the kids to bed early, uncork a bottle of wine (or two) and do something fun right at home. That could be as simple as a movie, some Guitar Hero on Wii or just chilling out in the backyard next to a fire and chatting. When you think of date night, don’t get into the trap of thinking it’s an all or nothing proposition!”

CONGRATS to Ayelet who won the January Reader of the Month. She will be getting a $50 gift card! If you would like to be in the running for Reader of the Month, all you have to do is leave a lot of comments. As long as you are one of the top commenters listed in the “people who comment the most” widget to the right, you will have a 1 in 10 chance of winning by random drawing. Thanks to Cheap Rental Cars for sponsoring this award.