Project Happily Ever After » Sex advice

What You Don’t Know About Monogamy

Alisa — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:19:01 +0000

Kayt Sukel is a courageous woman. For a story, she once agreed to have her brain scanned while she was having an orgasm. I understood that, according to science, her orgasm was nothing short of amazing. You might even say it was mind blowing. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Kayt is also courageous for another reason. She’s a journalist who makes a living much in the same way I do. One day she got the bravery to write a proposal for a daring book about sex. She now finds herself in the absolutely terrifying place I was just one year ago. The book is out. She wants it to do well.

I can’t even begin to express how scary it is to publish a book. I want her book to sell.

I want it to sell because I like Kayt and I want her to be happy and sane. I want it to sell because it’s a good book, one that you will learn from. It will turn everything you thought you knew about sex and relationships upside down. Here’s just a small taste. Buy the book. You won’t be sorry.

5 Big Fat Myths about Monogamy

by Kayt Sukel

You’ve heard it all before: every time a politician or professional athlete gets caught with his pants around his ankles (or with his naughty bits captured for posterity on some young ingénue’s cellular telephone), the debate about monogamy starts again. Is monogamy possible? Is it even natural?

There are some compelling arguments on both sides of this debate. Which may be why it keeps coming up time and time and again. But while some will tell you that the latest and greatest findings in science suggest monogamy—especially the lasting kind of monogamy—is not and never was an option, science is rarely that clear cut. Here are five big fat myths about the big ‘M’:

Myth 1: Humans aren’t cut out for monogamy—never were and never will be.

Celebrity divorces, political dalliances—they bring out those relationship experts who long to tell you all about why monogamy isn’t “natural.” But let’s face it, there’s not much that we, as evolved human beings do, that is all that “natural” anymore. Think about it: we live in houses with air conditioning and big-screen televisions. We get our food in cellophane-wrapped packages at the supermarket. We use drugs to speed up or slow down our fertility as required. From my perspective, “natural” has little to do with it.

But leaving that semantic quibble aside, is monogamy “possible?” Yes, indeed it is. While our genes, our hormones and our particular path of brain development may make us more or less randy than the average person, and give us suggestions to pursue non-monogamous behaviors, there is nothing to suggest that monogamy is impossible. The parts of our brains that differentiate us from our evolutionary ancestors (and have helped us to create this world where we live rather “unnaturally”) give us the power to exercise judgment and make our own decisions. Of course, whether or not it is always easy to remain monogamous an altogether different question…

Myth 2: Okay, so maybe then men aren’t cut out for it.

Have you ever noticed that when we talk cheating, we’re always looking at the guys? Never mind that quite a few women participate in extracurricular activities…

Some have argued that cheating is an evolutionary imperative for the guys. Since males have billions of billions of sperm to spread around and little biological commitment after depositing them, their best mating strategy is to get with as many females as humanly possible. But once again, there are a lot of steps between a gene, a developing brain and an executed behavior. There’s no all or nothing here: men, just like women, have those big old frontal lobes that give them the power to decide. As one researcher told me, “It’s easy to look at an individual human and say, ‘Aha! His genes made him do it. When you talk about powerful men who cheat on their wives, it’s all too easy to say that, evolutionarily, this is just what powerful men do and have always done. That’s just a parody of how evolution really works. No individual is held captive by his genes.” That goes for not-so-powerful men, too.

Myth 3: Romantic love always fades over time.

Look around you. Chances are you know at least one couple in your own life that has managed to not only stand the test of time but look darn happy while doing it. Neuroimaging studies have demonstrated that romantic love has a unique signature in the brain—with certain regions lighting up when one person looks at a photo or hears the name of their beloved. Most of those studies, however, have focused on those who are in the throes of new love. But, as it turns out, that brain signature can remain even after decades of togetherness. When researchers at Rutgers University scanned individuals who claimed to still be passionately in love, even after 20 years or more together, they found a very similar brain pattern of brain activation. Love and passion can be sustained over time. How and why is still under investigation.

Myth 4: A simple genetic test can tell you if your mate will cheat.

In the past few years, two genes, AVPR1A and DRD4, have been implicated in monogamous behaviors in animal models as well as in some human genome studies. AVPR1A codes for a certain type of receptor (the vasopressin receptor) which helps prairie voles form monogamous bonds. DRD4, a dopamine receptor, has been linked to risk-taking and addiction. Research done on both of these genes have resulted in headlines like, “Infidelity: It’s All in the Genes,” and “Why He Cheats.” As well as calls for quick and inexpensive genetic tests to help you see whether or not a partner will be faithful.

There’s just one problem. It’s not that simple. And, in the human studies that took a look at these two genes, fidelity wasn’t something the researchers actually looked at directly. Ooops.

Remember that human brains have big frontal lobes. And as Justin Garcia, the Binghamton University researcher who studies the DRD4 gene told me, “We’re cognitive creatures. We recognize there are consequences to our actions. No matter what our particular genetic make-up may be, we can use our frontal lobes and decide not to cheat.”

Myth 5: If one partner wants sex a lot more than the other, the only solution is to bring in a pinch-hitter.

Dan Savage tells couples that they need to be “good, giving and game” to even think about making monogamy work. He also advocates allowing your partner the occasional sexual indiscretion.

While Savage’s take is an interesting one, the neuroscientific evidence only supports his “good, giving and game” stance—but not just when it comes to sex. Work in the Cotton-top Tamarins, a monogamous species of monkey, suggests that giving your partner what they want—in terms of affection and sex—helps cement relationships. Charles Snowdon, a researcher at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, noticed that Cotton-top Tamarin couples, much like human couples, show a lot of variety in affiliation. Some are very lovey-dovey, while others seem connected by the most tenuous of threads. He and his team wondered why. They found that the more loving couples had high correlated levels of a chemical called oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddle chemical.” But, what’s more, those oxytocin levels were driven by the partners giving their one and only what the other wanted and needed. Simply put, they found that when men snuggled and groomed their females more and the females gave their mates more sex, the relationship thrived. No need for pinch-hitters.

Kayt Sukel is a passionate traveler, science writer and Mom whose work has appeared in the Atlantic Monthly, the New Scientist, the Washington Post, Parenting and American Baby. She is a partner in the award-winning family travel website Travel Savvy Mom and can frequently be found oversharing on Twitter as @kaytsukel. Her first book, DIRTY MINDS: HOW OUR BRAINS INFLUENCE LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS was published today. This funny and irreverent tome takes on the age-old question,”What is love?” from a neurobiological perspective–and offers a frank discussion on how our brains can wreak such havoc with our hearts.

WANT TO WIN A COPY OF THE BOOK? Leave a comment about what you wish you’d learned about sex and relationships a long time ago. I’ll pick one winner by random drawing by the end of the week.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide. Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

11 Ways Sexting Hurts Your Marriage

Alisa — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 19:06:18 +0000

I’ve gotten countless emails this week from people who are married to spouses who “sext,” which is the act of sending flirtatious messages via text message, email, Twitter, Facebook and so on. I wrote this post in response to the question, “Is this cheating? My spouse thinks this is harmless.”

Just because you or your spouse do not define something as “cheating” doesn’t mean it can’t eventually bring your marriage to an end.
Sexting is a form of flirting. Flirting is the first step in courtship. In fact, it’s what led to the two of you getting married. Would you feel comfortable if your spouse were actively courting someone else?
Trust is an important ingredient to a happy marriage. Sexting destroys trust.
If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse sitting right next to you, it’s probably not good for your marriage.
As the saying goes: The grass is always greener where you water it. If you are sexting with someone who isn’t your spouse, you are watering the wrong lawn.
By focusing your attention outside your home, you will end up neglecting what’s inside your home. Trust me: to keep it strong, your marriage will need all of the attention you can give it. Don’t waste your attention where it’s not needed.
When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you hurt your spouse’s self esteem. A spouse who feels this way is eventually going to check out.
When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you make it harder for your spouse to feel sexy. A spouse who doesn’t feel sexy isn’t going to want to have sex.
When you flirt with someone else – either in person, on the phone, or digitally – you cause your spouse to feel unloved. If your spouse does not get the love she needs from you, she’s going to be more likely to search for it somewhere else.
If you need a rush, try finding it with your spouse. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.
If you don’t feel sexy, try talking to your spouse about the problem. The two of you can strengthen your marriage by solving this problem together.

There is one way sexting can help your marriage. It’s this: do it with your spouse. Text “you are hot” to your spouse. Text “I can’t wait to see you naked” to your spouse. Everything you were thinking of sexting to someone else? Sext it to your spouse.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

7 Sex Tips You Won’t Learn in Sex Ed

Alisa — Wed, 18 May 2011 01:39:17 +0000

A.K.A.

What I Learned from Not Having Sex With My Husband

I’m embarrassed to write this post. I am because it’s a post about failure. No one likes to admit they are a failure. At the same time, I’m always telling aspiring writers that readers eat up stories about failure as greedily as most people consume chocolate covered potato chips. Stories about failure make readers feel normal.

That doesn’t make them any easier to write.

But here goes. As many of you know, I pledged last week to have sex with my husband 7 days in a row. It was part of the One Extraordinary Marriage 7 Days of Sex Challenge.

This is what I learned from failing that challenge.

Sex challenges are still worth the trouble, even if you fall short of your goal. We only managed to have sex 3 days out of 7, but that was still much better than our usual. I’m not telling you what our usual has been because it’s even more embarrassing than admitting to failing a 7-day sex challenge. Let’s just say that this sex challenge has reinvigorated my sex life despite the fact that I failed it miserably.
If you are committed to the cause, you can and will find a way to make sex happen. It’s all about priorities. Early in the week, I was super committed. So when I realized I was developing a urinary tract infection, I got creative. That’s all I’m telling you about that. Later in the week, after we’d already missed a day and had blown the streak, I didn’t get creative, which is why we then missed night after night after night.
Even having sex just three days in a row will improve your sex life. It breaks you out of your rut and nudges you to try new things in the bedroom.
The more sex you have, the more sex you want. I initiated sex Sunday evening even though the challenge was over and it wasn’t our usual sex night. I was in the mood, and my body was ready–no foreplay required. It was really freaky.
It’s good to switch roles. Usually I’m the lower drive partner and my husband is the guy who can’t get enough. Well, on one night, our kid just wouldn’t go to sleep. She had a loose tooth that she would not stop wiggling. Eventually she got it out, but the process took hours. Once she finally nodded off, I told him, “Okay, I know it’s late, but I’m ready. How about you?” He responded, “How about we just go to bed?” I felt like a frumpy old lady, and in that moment I realized exactly how he feels whenever he initiates and I tell him I’m too tired.
Sex requires communication. We missed two nights because one of us was not home. We could have coordinated things better.
There’s a difference between withholding sex and being too angry to have sex. We missed another night because my husband said something snide and then I said something snide back and before we knew it I was walking out of the bedroom and sleeping somewhere else for the night. In the future, we’ll both work on our Verbal Foreplay Skills.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Save Your Marriage, part 4

Alisa — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 12:59:42 +0000

In this recent New York Times article, Meg Wolitzer writes of a woman who unabashedly admits that she’d like to pay someone to have sex with her husband. I know I have plenty of PHEA readers who feel the same way. I know this because you’ve told me so.

Lots of people will argue that waning sexual interest is a normal part of couple hood. They will tell you that there is no biological reason for a woman to want to have sex post menopause. After all, the urge to bed down stems biologically from an urge to procreate. When all of the eggs have left the ovaries, it makes sense that all of the urges to see one’s spouse naked would vanish, too.

Perhaps I dislike this reasoning because I’m quickly nearing the day when all of my eggs will have left my ovaries.

So maybe I’m in denial.

But I don’t think so. And the reason I don’t think so is that I have a few female friends who are in their 60s and 70s and who have wonderfully vibrant sex lives. These women have also been married for many years, too.

The last egg left their ovaries years ago. They are not taking hormones.

And they are not freaks of nature who were put on this planet in order to cause the rest of us to feel ashamed.

No, what I think is going on is this: they refused to part with sexual desire. They made a decision. They wanted to have a vibrant sex life, so they found ways to ensure it happened.

They have taken ownership of their own desire. They don’t sit around and wait for it to mysteriously surface, and they don’t wait around for their partners to get them in the mood, either.

They get themselves in the mood. They are the desire they want to see in the bedroom.

What follows is what I’ve learned from talking with such women, as well as what I’ve learned from being the change I wanted to see in my own bedroom.

Plug into your partner. Sexual desire won’t surface if you spend most of your time plugged into Facebook and Twitter or plugged into a hobby that doesn’t include your spouse. Find opportunities every day for skin-on-skin contact: hugging, massaging, spooning, snuggling, hand-holding, and so on.

Make it a priority. Schedule sex into your calendar and plan for it.

Use your biggest sex organ. That’s your brain. Spend 15 to 20 minutes thinking about sex before you actually have sex. Spend some time (5 or 10 minutes) every day thinking about sex and you just might find that you suddenly have the sex drive of a hormonal teenager.

Do Kegals. The muscles lining your vagina atrophy just like all of the other muscles in your body. Squeeze and release these muscles regularly. Do Kegals as a prelude to sex.

Use a lubricant. Sexual secretions tend to dry up with age, too. My long time readers know that I’m a big fan of coconut oil. Insert some into your vagina just before you want to have sex. Extra credit: use it to lubricate your vaginal area after every shower and you’ll find you have the sex drive of a hormonal teenager.

Create a pre-sex routine. This is perhaps the most important tip on this post. If you just hop into the sack and hope that desire is going to surface, you will probably end up feeling pretty dang frustrated. Slowly build up to sex with some self-pampering. I personally build up to it by taking a shower before hand. That’s when I shave and do my woman-scaping. After the shower, I lube up everywhere. Then I dress up in something sexy and I just relax for a while. By the time my husband joins me in the bedroom, I’m raring to go.

What do you do to get yourself in the mood? What other advice do you have for being the change in the bedroom? What thwarts you from being the change you want to see in the bedroom? One lucky commenter will get a container of (what else?) coconut oil!

Go to Save Your Marriage, Part 1.

IMPORTANT UPDATES

* If you read Project: Happily Ever After and you enjoyed it, I’d really appreciate it if you would tell others about the book. It’s unbelievably difficult to get a book to sell these days. Word of mouth is the most effective strategy.

* I’d also appreciate it if you reviewed it on amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, and other sites where customers can review books. On amazon in particular, your good reviews help the book appear more in customer searches. For instance, right now the Kindle version of PHEA is listed as the #3 most highly rated marriage book. Your wonderful reviews helped put it there. Thank you!

* Watch me on Fox News as I offer tips for the royal couple.

* Hear how things went when I decided to perform a reading about my vagina.

* Match.com’s “Happen” magazine quoted me in two different articles on the same day. Learn what I have to say about what to do when you feel torn between two lovers. Also find out how to make peace with your partner’s pet.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Save Your Marriage, part 3

Alisa — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 14:25:50 +0000

Be the Change in the Bedroom, part 1

Periodically men write to me and they ask me if my site is only for chicks. Usually their emails are somewhat angry and condescending. I think these guys are really mad at their wives, and they’ve decided to transfer that anger onto me. At any rate, they complain that women like me have overly high expectations. The email usually rants a bit about these expectations. The emailer is usually miffed that women seem to want guys to work and take out the trash and not fart in the bedroom. How dare we?! Then the kicker is that, even when these guys stretch and do what their overly demanding wives want, they still don’t get any sex.

I know most of the guys who come here aren’t quite that angry and don’t see things quite this way. At the same time, I keep seeing surveys that find that 20 percent of women are faking their orgasms and that most women would rather get a massage than have sex with their husbands. (And I can only assume that they’d rather get the massage by a professional who is not their spouse). This is disturbing, but understandable. If women aren’t being satisfied in bed, why the heck would they look forward to sex?

Anyway I decided to devote an entire post to the male population–just so I could send the link to all of the angry men who email me.

In reality, though, this post isn’t technically only for husbands. It’s for the person in the relationship who has the higher sex drive. Tomorrow I’ll be writing a post for the person in the relationship with the lower drive.

If you have a high drive and you are feeling thwarted in the bedroom, I understand your frustration. The answer, however, isn’t found in needling your partner to give into your sexual advances. That’s just going to create stress in the bedroom, and stress doesn’t usually lead to desire. The answer is found in being the change you want to see in the bedroom. You can do that by figuring out what gets your partner in the mood. Don’t wait around for the mood to strike. Don’t yell at your partner for not being in the mood. Don’t send me angry emails about your partner not being in the mood. And don’t wait around for female Viagra.

Do things that make your partner feel sexy.

For advice on that, I’ve asked Sarah Baron of Anonymous8.com for her help. Sarah and her team at Anonymous8 have written a manual called Getting Lucky with the Wife. It offers a business plan for creating more satisfaction in the bedroom.

How to Get Lucky

When Alisa asked me to suggest a few action items for men that they could do to get more sex in their marriage, I was stumped. That is pretty surprising, given the title of our new book, “Getting Lucky with the Wife.” (Yes, THAT kind of lucky.)

Then I realized that giving you a few pointers is exactly the problem for me, because intimacy in marriage is a much bigger issue than can be handled by a few pointers. I’m going to give you one overall framework, with a few steps from there. If there is only one thing you do to get more sex with your wife over the long term, it is this:

THINK AND ACT STRATEGICALLY.

What does that mean? Intimacy in your marriage is an important issue, one that is big enough that it deserves some high level thought. Here are three ways to start:

1. Study your wife. You’ve done this before, when you were dating. You tried to figure out what makes her tick and what she likes and doesn’t like. You need to understand what is going on with your wife right now. Why is your wife not as interested as you? Is she tired from little kids, going through post-partum depression, feeling neglected, unhappy with her body after kids? Identifying the issue/issues gives you a framework for how to get to the real issue behind the drought in the bedroom.

2. Treat her like a girlfriend more than a wife. Flirt, help her, check on her during the day (call or text works great), do things that make her life easier, spoil her, take her out, and get her random gifts, even if they are small. The goal? Showing her that she is valued and that you get a kick out of her.

3. Create a plan of action around intimacy in your marriage. Once you look at the overall issues in your sex life and what is affecting those issues, creating goals, action items, and a timeline associated with those action items will lead you towards getting your desired results. This may seem awfully business-like, and it is. This is how to take care of your most personal of business.

Overall, you and your wife need to come to more of a meeting on the minds on this one. Understanding her, understanding the underlying issues, and coming up with real goals and associated tasks is an approach that will serve you, your wife, and your marriage well for years to come. And the result? You’ll be a better husband, she’ll be a more responsive wife, and your marriage will benefit.

You can learn more about Sarah’s book at the following link. If you buy it, you will help to defray the costs associated with keeping this site going.

Click here to visit Anonymous8.

The giveaway: Comment (nicely) about your bedroom issues. What’s it like to be the person with the higher drive who gets thwarted? What’s it like to be the person with the lower drive who is put upon? How can a higher drive person get a lower drive person in the mood? What have you tried? What works? What doesn’t? Comment here. One of the commenters will get a copy of Ian Kerner’s She Comes First.

Go to Save Your Marriage, part 1.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

This post is vibrator worthy

Alisa — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 19:47:20 +0000

There are a few words that you can slip into almost any sentence and end up hearing laughter. One of them starts with the letter “V.” It’s “vibrator.” For instance:

Old MacDonald Had a Vibrator. E-I-E-I-O.

Lou Lou Vibrator to my Lou

What a Vibrator day we are having here.

Is that a Vibrator in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

How much is that Vibrator in the window?

I really hope the weather man isn’t calling for Vibrators tomorrow.

My car needed an expensive Vibrator.

I have a headache. I think I’ll take a vibrator.

How far is it to the vibrator? Are we almost to the vibrator yet?

I think I forgot my vibrator?

Did you remember to pack my vibrator?

We laugh at vibrators because their mere mention makes us uncomfortable, and they make us uncomfortable because–outside of book club–people don’t talk about vibrators. But maybe they should.

One of my goals in life is to make unmentionable topics mentionable. A lot of needless shame could be shed if we would just talk about some of the stuff that we are all too afraid to mention. Fewer misunderstandings would take place if we could just talk about certain topics openly, without whispering and without using slang terms.

That’s why I’m helping to promote National Sex Toy Day. It’s November 4th. This holiday is all about getting sex toys out of the closet. Half of all women use them. Probably only about 2 percent of women admit to using them. It’s time to bring sex toys out of the closet.

MyPleasure.com is doing their part by giving away 1000 vibrators to the first 1000 people who enter their information at SexToyDay.com, starting at 11 am EST November 4th.

I’m doing my part by starting a conversation. It’s going to be about our good old friend Bob. (Battery Operated Boyfriend). In the comments, let’s discuss: What famous person — dead or alive — could really use a Bob in his or her life and why? Or — if you don’t like that question–try this: if a politician got caught with a vibrator, what excuse would he or she give during the resulting press conference? (ie. “I did NOT have sex with that vibrator!) Have fun!

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

The Heavenly Art of Manscaping

Alisa — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 13:54:50 +0000

AKA

Nandoism’s Nether Grooming Guide

This guy needs to read this post. Photo by SFBart.

After writing and posting Alisa’s Nether Grooming Guide, I got a request to run a companion piece for men. This, my friends, was not something I could pull off on my own. Had I tried to write it myself, such a post would have been filled with conjecture and myth.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve helped my husband with some of his manscaping needs over the years. I’m tweezed stray hairs from various places that he probably would not want me telling you about. That, folks, is one of the benefits of marriage. Your partner is there on call with the tweezers and electric razor. More important, what happens in the bathroom between two married adults stays in the bathroom.

Because my husband is an avid cyclist, he also shaves his legs. This is something that my girlfriends and family members thought was quite odd when he and I first met. But, during our early dating years, I enjoyed sharing leg-shaving tips with him, and I was flattered by his awe in my ability to shave my legs while standing. He could only shave his while sitting.

But he’s pretty much on his own with the nether parts, which is why I couldn’t begin to offer grooming advice for that part of the male anatomy.

Thankfully, I happen to know another blogger who is my male equivalent. By that, I mean that he is open, honest and not embarrassed to write about anything—including his pubes. Other than that, we’re complete opposites. I like beer. He likes umbrella drinks. I like to wear my hair long and straight. He wears his short and wild.

I’m attracted to men. He’s attracted to men. Whoops. That’s something we have in common.

Anyway, his name is Nando. He writes a blog about gay life and culture, he’s into all things hip and fashionable, and he’s gracefully agreed to share all he knows about nether grooming and manscaping.

Body Hair According to Nando

Men and their hair is such a sensitive issue. We get it, then it falls out and grows in places we had no idea it could. It’s a self-esteem crusher when you see your first ear hair sprouting or when your pubes go white.

So whether you need a trim or a full cut, razors, scissors, or depilatories can be a man’s best friend. And I’m here to walk you though the process. Are you ready?

Back Hair

When I was 19 years old, I was sleeping next to Luther, my boy crush. While he was spooning me, he jerked back. I was confused. “What’s wrong?” I inquired. “It just felt like I was laying next to carpet.” That’s the day I became a permanent Nair for Men customer. I don’t recommend waxing or shaving your back hair. Just have someone smear the stuff on your back (I have my roommates do it—the job is in their renters clause) and in 20 minutes or fewer (depending on how coarse your hair is) your back is smooth and ready to see the light of day. It’s the best $5 you’ll ever spend.

Ralph and the Boys

There are three types of people when it comes to genitals.

1. The Jungle Crowd: These folks love the natural look and have no problem with your Jungle Book bush look. In fact, they love playing “where’s the treasure” and you’re the one who reaps the benefits when they do!

2. The Prim and Proper Bunch: This crew will not set foot anywhere near your naughty parts unless everything is trimmed and nicely kept. Usually, a weekly trim with a small pair of scissors will do the job just fine. Don’t get too crazy with the shape. I once dated a guy who was obsessed in trimming and shaping his junk to look like a perfect triangle. It wasn’t fun and it looked weird.

3. The Mr. Clean Crew: These folks want it all gone. Nothing there but flesh and bumps. Personally I’ve done this once and the only benefit was that it made my junk look SUPER HUGE, but it was murder to grow back in.

Whatever you decide, don’t Nair your genitals. Trust me on this one. Use scissors to trim, then a razor to go all the way if that’s the look you’re going for. Either way, do it after a hot shower. It will makes the transition smoother — just be prepared for the new growth to itch like crazy.

Chest

Nicely trimmed chest hair is sexy. Chest hair that’s sprouting out of your shirt like a Chia Pet gone awry is not sexy. Take a small pair of scissors and start whacking away. It’s manly and so sexy to see sexy chest hair on a man. But if you do decide to remove it all–use Nair. There’s less chance of nicks and cuts. Because the chest is more sensitive than your back, do a test sample first to see how long to leave it on.

Eyebrows

There should be two. Enough said. With this delicate task, you need to trust the person doing this or else you might end up looking like a stand-in for Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest. The latest trend in New York is men sculpting their brows. That’s a big mistake. Eyebrows on a man should look thick and confident, not sculpted and Mariah Carey-ish.

Go to a professional to trim them–but not sculpt them, don’t allow them to talk you into shaping those bad boys or you”ll be sorry!

Ear Hair

Nasty. Nair it, buzz it with a razor, pluck ‘em with tweezers–just get rid of it. That’s the man’s curse and it has to be done routinely, unless you want that corn on the cob look with the stray cornhusk whiskers sprouting out of your head. Not sexy.

Legs & Arms

Leave those alone, unless your friends call you Magilla Gorilla. In that case, I’d seek professional help like a Men’s Spa or Salon.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive

Alisa Bowman — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 13:24:54 +0000

AKA

Marriage Improvement Monday

Today’s Marriage Improvement Monday is an excerpt from Love Everyday, a 27-chapter collaborative e-book written to help you learn how to make your marriage extraordinary amongst the chaos of life. After reading this post, be sure to download a complete copy of LOVE EVERYDAY absolutely free! You can read more from this book by checking out Chelle Stein’s It Might Be Love blog. Last week, she excerpted a chapter about grocery shopping. And next week, FeelingFlirty will be running an excerpt about Dish Duty. What follows is the chapter I created for this ebook. Enjoy.

Business Time!

None of us ever thought it would happen—to us. Dry spells, lack of attraction, and loss of interest in sex? Those things only happen to other couples. Right?

Then, one day, we find ourselves thinking:

Oh, for the love of God, please, please, please make him fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Please no sex tonight. Please!

Does she want to do it again? Didn’t we just do it last week?

I know he better not even think about asking me to have sex, not after he left that empty beer bottle by the recliner!

Been there.

You, too? Of course, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this.

And I bet you are worried that this somehow makes you abnormal. It doesn’t. Sexual disinterest is incredibly common. More important, you can do something about it. First, get checked out. Make sure you are not taking a medication or have a health problem that might be interfering with your drive. If there are problems in your marriage, solve them.

After that, consider whether your sex life is suffering from one of the following turn-offs.

Fatigue: If you have ever closed your eyes, went through the motions, and thought about taking a little nap while your partner had his or her way with you, you are suffering from fatigue. This is especially common after parenthood, when your kids sap your energy and have you up at night.

The fix: Prioritize sleep. Get in bed by 10 p.m. Get your partner to do more around the house, even if this means your partner is doing more than half. Hey, you’re the one who is tired, not him or her. And once you are in the mood again, your partner will be happy he pitched in. Finally, if at all possible, have sex in the morning, when you have more energy.

Misplaced Priorities: Does sex with your partner fall to the bottom of your priorities list, right there after cleaning the house and paying the bills? You might think that infrequent sex is no big deal, but it might be a very big deal to your partner.

The fix: Talk with your partner about an ideal sexual frequency, such as once a week or once every other week. If your partner wants to have sex a lot more often than you do, compromise somewhere in the middle. And then schedule it. Make sex dates, and schedule these dates on your calendar. Do not let anything get in the way of these dates.

Boredom: If you want to have sex, but you just can’t seem to get in the mood, you’re probably bored.

The fix: Add a little mystery and danger to your sex life. Take turns being the sex director. One time it’s you. The next time it’s him. Whenever you are the director, plan out a sexcapade that takes you both to the edge. Maybe it’s a little scary. Maybe it’s a little spicy. Maybe it’s fun. For instance, not long ago, I did a strip tease for my husband. Wow. That got me going. Another time I wrote erotica –about a housewife who meets another woman at the grocery store and ends up having sex with her—and I read it to him. You might try role-playing, props (feathers, handcuffs, massage candles, paddles), lingerie (especially lingerie that pushes your comfort zone), and sharing sexual fantasies.

Befuddlement: Maybe he or she is a good lover, but not a great lover. Years ago, having a good lover was good enough. Now? Not so much.

The fix: Enact Project Sex 101. Read books about sex (Ian Kerner’s and Pat Love’s books are great) or watch educational videos (the Sinclair Institute has a wide variety). Research the matter on the Internet. Talk about what you like, and what you don’t. Complete the sentence, “What I’d like more of during lovemaking is…”

Next Week: Don’t forget to check out Feeling Flirty’s take on Dish Duty.

If you enjoyed this article please share this free download with your family and friends. Get your FREE copy of LOVE EVERYDAY today!

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Talk About the P Word

Alisa Bowman — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:50:51 +0000

I’m curious what you think this P word is that I am referring to?

I’m guessing that it’s not quite what first comes to mind.

Just guessing.

Because today, my friends, we’re talking about prostates. (Did you think we were going to be talking about words that you didn’t want your kids to learn just yet? Really? Here?!)

Actually, my good friend and avid PHEA reader Alexandra Grabbe is writing about prostates—her husband Sven’s prostate to be exact.

Alexandra and I swapped posts today as part of the Blogathon. Over on her Chezsven Blog, I’ve written about my memories of camping at the Cape, where Alexandra now runs a B&B (called Chez Sven). And here at PHEA Alexandra is giving you a rare and honest peek at what it’s like to support your husband though a prostate operation.

The Roto-Rooter Operation

My seventy-year-old husband Sven suffers from the male ailment no one wants to discuss, except in cheerful voice-over during those television commercials about men who have a “growing problem?” The “problem” is enlarged prostate, a condition that is not unusual.

Many members of the masculine sex will suffer from symptoms as they age. Most men prefer not to talk about their prostate. Often plumbing analogies are used. My uncle referred to his “Roto-Rooter operation.” Both of Sven’s best friends in Sweden have already survived surgery, more or less, so he knows the risks and the rewards, the possible complications and the outcome all males dread—not being able to have an erection.

Instead of Flomax, for 20 years, Sven has been taking the herbal alternative, Saw Palmetto. Now the witching hour has arrived.

Day 1: A random blood test convinces our GP to schedule a bladder ultrasound the Friday of Thanksgiving.

Around 5:00 p.m., Dr. M. calls back: “I want you folks to head for the ER now!”

I note the urgency in his voice and propel my husband towards our car.

An amazed nurse at Cape Cod Hospital in Hyannis removes two liters of urine.

I’m frazzled. Sven looks somewhat dazed, newly equipped with the first catheter of his life. A catheter is a tube, placed in the bladder, to drain urine. The tube is connected to a plastic bag, strapped to his thigh.

Day 2: I sit like a piece of crumpled lettuce, left on the counter, unfit to be tossed with the rest of the salad. A low but steady keening emanates from our bathroom. It’s a strange sound, and totally foreign. The door, half open, reveals my husband on the toilet seat, leaning forward, seized by another bladder spasm. In the discomfiture department, my feeling of helplessness rates about a 1.5, compared to his obvious 10. All I can think of is my desire to push, push, push a baby out of my body during delivery. Could this be similar to what he’s experiencing?

Sven does not want to return to the ER. We decide to wait out the weekend and see.

Day 4, Monday Morning: The pain has not diminished. We hurry back to Hyannis, destination Urology Associates.
“The bladder is stupid,” Dr. H. says after a cystoscopy. “It feels something and thinks urine.”

The nurse inserts a new catheter and schedules Sven’s procedure in a couple weeks. She explains the delay will allow the bladder time for muscle-tone recovery.

Day 4: Afternoon: My husband again seizes up in pain.

“Remember, honey, what the doctor said?” I’m trying to be helpful. “You need to relax, and the pee will flow all by itself?”

Sven waves my advice away, not in the mood for second-guessing.

In my head, I hear a preacher’s voice, “I take thee … in sickness and in health ….”

I had a catheter once, after the birth of my son. I know it’s no fun. My husband is on his second in as many days. Dr. H. prescribes stronger painkillers. Sven and I decide to sleep in different beds until this ordeal is over.

Day 11: Dawn is breaking. I’m thinking another 10 days seems like an awfully long time to wait when the bedroom door swings open. Why is my husband crying again?
“The bag opened during the night,” Sven splutters. “I couldn’t figure out what all the water in the bed was.”

This unexpected twist leaves me speechless, but he’s able to find the exact words to describe his predicament: “Very strange, waking up wet. Like when I was a child.”

Day 14: One more week to go. We return to Cape Cod Hospital for pre-op. I study the handout a nurse has provided. TURP stands for TransUrethral Resection of the Prostate. Sections of the enlarged prostate are surgically removed through the urethra. Afterwards, the patient spends a night in the hospital and is sent home once able to urinate. The body will heal itself, but several weeks of rest are required, with minimal travel in cars.

Day 21: Dr. H. operates for over an hour.

My husband has started his second glass of ginger ale by the time I reach his hospital bed. I pull the flimsy gown up to cover a beefy shoulder. It seems he has aced the procedure and charmed several nurses with Scandinavian ancestry, who hover nearby. One calls him “handsome” as she leaves the room. During my visit I notice two boxes drawn on the white board. “Void” is written in one; the other says “Home”.

Day 22: Void is checked the following morning. Sven can leave without the catheter, a real victory. A hospital volunteer arrives with a wheelchair.

Day 27: Now, only a week later, Sven again wakes me early in the morning. I fear there’s blood in his urine, or perhaps more unexpected pain. Not at all!

“When I woke up, I felt horny,” my husband says with an impish grin at the memory of his recent erection. “I said to myself, ‘Are you totally mad? You cripple!’”

At least he hasn’t lost his sense of humor.

Alexandra’s Tips

* Make sure your sweetie gets his PSA once he reaches 40.

* If you notice he has to pee a lot, suggest he might have that “going problem.”

* An herb (saw palmetto) works as well as the drugs advertised on TV.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Alisa’s Nether Grooming Guide

Alisa Bowman — Fri, 14 May 2010 17:50:24 +0000

I got my first-ever bikini wax three summers ago as a present for my husband. I won’t go into all of the details of that experience because it’s in my book. If you want to know more about what happens during a nether-grooming wax and rip session, go to amazon and preorder it.

What’s important for you to know now—before we get to the Grooming Guide—is that there are three myths about nether grooming.

Myth #1: You groom your nethers because your man likes them that way.

As I mentioned, I initially did it as a gift for my husband. I found, however, that I’d given a gift to myself. A freshly groomed vulva is not only a work of art to behold, it’s downright sensitive to the touch. If you’ve had issues with sexual desire, a bikini wax just might fix the situation. Grooming also makes your vulva more inviting for oral pleasure. Not only is there less chance of an errant hair getting in his mouth, your entire womanly package feels silky to the tongue. (And, men, the same holds true for your bits as well. Trim the hair and your lady will be more likely to want to go south).

Myth #2: Nether waxing hurts more than childbirth.

It hurts some, but definitely not as much as childbirth. I’d compare it to the sting of getting a shot. Over time, you can develop pain coping mechanisms. For instance, deep breathing really helps.

Myth #3: Only rich people can afford nether grooming

The typical Brazilian wax might run you $80 or so. For this amount of money, you will find out what it feels like to have zero strands of hair on your front side and back. And, yes, you probably have more hair in your butt than your realize. Once it’s gone, you’ll be all like, “Wow, so that’s what a hairless butt feels like.”

If you are a hairy sort like me, then you’ll develop a 5 o clock shadow almost instantly. That means, if you want to remain silky at all times, a weekly wax would be in order.

That’s expensive. Sure.

For those on a budget, there are also these wonderful inventions. They are called razors. The rest of this post will teach you how to use one. And don’t feel bad about going the razor route. This is how professional strippers groom their nethers. How do I know? I’ve asked them.

Now, if you are wondering about other hair removal options, let me tell you. I’ve tried most of them. For instance, let’s talk about the Epilady. I do not know what evil person invented that device. All I can say is this. Taking an Epilady to your privates may very well be as painful as childbirth. I managed to Epilady off about 6 hairs before tears ran down my face.

I’ve also tried hair removal products like Nair. But these things stink up the bathroom. They also require you to walk around the house pants-less for 10 minutes with stinky cream on your front side. My husband always got a big kick out of seeing me this way, but it wasn’t exactly what I would call a turn on for either one of us. And there’s always the fear of accidentally getting the Nair somewhere you really don’t want it, such as your eyebrows.

There are also home waxing kits. I’ve never been brave enough to go there.

How to Shave Your Bits

Step 1: Purchase the right equipment.

You’ll need:

A top quality razor. Those disposable cheap plastic things that you might be using on your legs will turn your pubic area into something that resembles ground beef. You want a sturdy three or four blade razor with a replaceable head, such as the Schick Quattro. Note that the Schick Quattro is designed for women. I use my husband’s Quattro, the same one he uses on his face. I just swap out the razor head. You can do the same if you are on a budget.
A small, electric razor. I use the EpiLady Lady B. It came at a discount when I bought the torture device that this company also sells. There are many other brands that work on the bikini area. You’ll use this to give your nethers a pre-trim. More on that in a bit.
Shaving cream. I’ve used many different brands, ranging from super expensive stuff from specialty catalogs to really cheap stuff available at any convenience store. The cheap stuff works just as good as the expensive stuff. I use Skintimate brand, but there are others. Just don’t use soap. Soap doesn’t lube up the area enough. It’s a blood infusion waiting to happen. Note: I’ve read that shaving cream is toxic, and the list of ingredients does have all sorts of words like “triethanolamine” and such. I asked my Frugal Kiwi friend Melanie if she had a DIY shaving cream recipe, as she’s created all sorts of concoctions ranging from DIY toothpaste to DIY shampoo to DIY deodorant. She had not yet created a DIY shaving cream, but she sent me to this article from Ehow that has instructions. Note: I have not tried this myself; I have no idea whether it will turn your nethers into hamburger.

Step 2: Give yourself a pre-trim

If you are sporting all of your womanliness, you’ll want to trim down some of that woolliness with the electric razor. Otherwise you will do in your razor head before you’ve finished your first shave. Either stand on a bath towel or in the tub for your pre-shave. This makes clean up easier. Use two fingers (such as the flat insides of your middle and index fingers) to gently pull straight the hair, and then use the razor to chop it right off.

If you’d like to shave a pretty picture into your nethers, I suppose you could turn the whole endeavor into a group project and ask your man to draw lines on your front side with eyebrow pencil. Or you could do what I do and settle for any old shape that emerges. Right now, for instance, I’m sporting something that resembles Hitler’s mustache. It’s a little crooked, but it serves its purpose.

Step 3: Follow up with the razor.

Do this part in the shower with the hot water running. Wash off the entire area. Physician types like to caution against shaving the bits because they claim all sorts of scary infections can set in. I’ve never gotten a scary infection down there. I think that’s because I give myself a good soap down first.

Once you are nice and clean, put shaving cream on the parts you want to shave. Then slowly take the razor to yourself. You’ll probably have to concoct your body into all sorts of unusual positions in order to get all of the hair off. For instance, to get the pesky little hairs in the crack between your vulva and thigh, you’ll probably need to step one leg onto the side of the tub and then do an impressive squat straddle. Count it as your exercise for the day.

Periodically rinse off the shaving cream and run your fingers over your vulva. This is your quality control test. If you feel stubble, you’re not done. If you feel silky oh la la, you’re done. Soap yourself up one more time.

Step 4: Lube up.

I rub coconut oil all over my privates when I’m done. It’s my understanding that coconut oil is a natural antibacterial, so this might be another reason I’ve never gotten a horrific skin infection from shaving my nethers.

Step 5: Jump your husband’s bones

There is no greater aphrodisiac than a freshly shaved front side. Use it to your advantage.

What are your nether grooming tips? Have you tried DIY shaving cream? Has a freshly trimmed front side improved your sex life? Share your insights with others.

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Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.