The Big Fat Myth About Monogamous Sex

I’m spending the week at the American Society of Journalists and Authors conference. I co-chaired the conference this year. It was a huge job, one that was time-consuming, but also satisfying. If you are a journalist or author, I hope to see you there.

To ensure you all have something to read while I’m away, I asked Gal Josefsberg if he would mind writing a guest post. Gal is an amateur husband, dog owner, blogger and entrepreneur.  His latest start up is a website that promotes gifts ideas for men and women. In the post that follows, he writes about how to keep it sizzling in the bedroom.

How Married Sex Improves Over Time

My brother in law is getting married.  When I told my friends this I got the usual comments that single guys make about marriage (hint: all single guys think marriage is awful until they fall in love).  One comment in particular stuck in my head though.  It was “well, he can kiss his sex life good bye”.

It’s a common thing people think about marriage I suppose.  You say those vows and somehow sex just stops.  Guys stop trying to make an effort and women stop having sex because they no longer need to please their man.  Now that’s utter horse crap and we all know it, but this comment did lead me to think of the ways in which married sex is better and how to keep it that way.

When You’re Married You Can Have Sex ALL THE TIME

That’s right kids (wait, I mean adults), married people do indeed have sex.  In fact, they have sex a lot more than single people.  I was a bit of a player when I was single but my life still wasn’t anything like Charlie’s in Two and a Half Men (or Charlie in real life I suppose).  Married?  Well, I’m not going to give you an exact number (because my wife will shank me!) but it’s a lot more!

Ways to keep this going?  Easy, make time in your life for each other.  It’s easy when you’re dating, each date is a special occasion meant just for the two of you to be together.  Once you’re married, it’s easy to fall into a routine where you spend time close to one another but not really together.  You’ll work in separate rooms, one of you is cooking in the kitchen while the other is watching a show in the living room or maybe you’re both in the same room but doing your own thing.  If you want to keep your sex life sexy, you need to make time for that togetherness.  I don’t care if that’s a weekly date night or just going to bed at the same time but make sure you’re living together not just in the same house.

The Sex Is Better!

The first time you have sex with someone you barely know is so awkward.  Are they into this?  Do they like it when I do that?  Oh god, please can they do more of that?  Why are they doing that annoying thing with their hand?!?!  It sucks.  Sorry, I know the movies make it that first encounter really sexy but movies lie (A LOT!)  Sex as a couple is way WAY better.  You know exactly what the other person wants and they know exactly what you like.  There’s no pressure to perform, no worries about what they’ll think of you, only a lot of really fun interactions.

Way to keep this going?  Easy, just keep talking.  Honest communication is the best way to have good sex, especially when married.  Tastes change, people change, bodies change and sometimes you just want to try something new.  Feel free, just keep your partner in the loop so to speak.  If you really want to her to wear that sexy camisole, ask.  If you really want him to fool around in the shower, ask.  I know sex can be a touchy subject but that’s exactly why married sex is better, because it’s much easier to talk about your desire to experiment with blindfolds with your spouse than with a relative stranger.

It’s safer, which means less to worry about. 

I remember back when I was single how much anxiety was connected to sex.  Even with the right protection, things happen.  Condoms don’t prevent all pregnancies, nor do they stop all diseases.  Marriage makes those worries go away.  Well, accidental pregnancies are still a problem but they’re much easier to manage in a marriage than outside it.

How to keep this going?  No real work necessary here but I’d still recommend annual physicals with complete blood work should be on everyone’s calendar.  They’re not just for you, they’re also for your wife or husband.  I guess I should also mention that you shouldn’t cheat on your spouse but that one sort of seems obvious.

You Guessed It

Yes, married sex life is way better than single.  You have more and better sex, with less to worry about.  So the next time one of your single friends tells you about their awesome sex life, you can just smile and nod, no need to make their life even worse by bursting their bubble.

10 comments… add one

  • Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure April 25, 2012, 10:05 am

    Hmmm – I wish I could agree with this, but honestly its not true. Long term relationship sex is better than the random dating, yes, but married sex. Sad but true that married sex often takes a backseat to damn near everything else from either myself or my husband and often not at the same time. So we get “screwed” and it ain’t the fun way!
    Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure´s last blog post ..Baby Bucket List.

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  • Rosemary April 25, 2012, 10:48 am

    The problems many people experience may have less to do with being married and more to do with being parents. I just read a post on the Fearless Marriage blog that addressed the issue of time spent on kids vs. time spent on spouse: http://www.leslidoares.com/post/how-to-be-a-parent-without-losing-your-partner It’s worth thinking about.
    Rosemary´s last blog post ..A Titanic Date Night

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  • Beth April 25, 2012, 12:06 pm

    I have to agree that married sex is way better than single sex. It is so much better when you know what the other person likes (and doesn’t like) and feel free to talk about what you want. We might have had sex more often when we were single and weren’t dealing with kids and bills and everything else. However, the sex we have now is such better quality! And I’ll take quality or quantity!
    Beth´s last blog post ..Muffin Tin Monday (Minus the Muffin Tin!)

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  • Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs April 25, 2012, 12:32 pm

    @Stephanie
    This is exactly why I say that you have to make time in my “way to keep this going”. You’re right, married sex can take a back seat to everything else, it’s up to you to make sure it doesn’t.

    That was one of the lessons I learned about marriage in general. A good marriage doesn’t just happen, it needs a lot of work and a lot of care.

    Gal
    Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs´s last blog post ..Skin Care Never Felt Better Than With This Gift – Clarisonic Mia Sonic Skin Cleansing System

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  • Edge April 26, 2012, 12:26 am

    Married Sex can be great, but its also a potential weapon. Just ask anyone who is witholding sex because of an argument. Of course, makeup sex can sometimes make up for it.

    I think overall, your comments are correct for the physical issues (safety, availability) but you are sugar coating the relationship side.

    Reply
    • Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs April 26, 2012, 10:29 am

      @Edge
      If you’re using sex as a weapon in your relationship then you have problems other than the sex. This post wasn’t meant to solve all your relationship issues, sorry.

      Personally, I think partners who do the whole “do what I say or no sex” have issues. Sex is a great thing and both men and women enjoy it equally when it’s done well. No one should think of sex as a favor they’re doing for their partner that can then be withheld. Perhaps the partner should consider ways to make the sex better so that person doesn’t think of it as a chore to be done only as a way of pleasing their partner.
      Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs´s last blog post ..Skin Care Never Felt Better Than With This Gift – Clarisonic Mia Sonic Skin Cleansing System

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    • cheryl April 28, 2012, 12:45 pm

      it isn’t sex “married sex” that is a potential weapon. it is sex that is a potential weapon. witholding sex in a relationship is manipulation, which isn’t exclusive to marriage. anyway, i totally agree with your article. true stuff.

      Reply
  • Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs April 26, 2012, 10:33 am

    @Stacy
    That’s one of my favorite shows and, while it’s meant as a comedy, that’s not actually a bad tactic. Once the hormones start flowing, it’s really hard to stay angry at one another, and arguments are a lot easier to resolve when not angry.

    Gal

    By the way, Barney Stinson is Legen…. wait for it…. dary!
    Gal @ Diamonds or Dogs´s last blog post ..Skin Care Never Felt Better Than With This Gift – Clarisonic Mia Sonic Skin Cleansing System

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  • Ande Lyons April 26, 2012, 7:52 pm

    Alisa!

    I love this post!

    You are so right… married sex is much better… plus it’s emotionally and physically safer! Sure, we have to schedule our romantic interludes, but that gives us time to create suspense and sexy foreplay. A really good lock on the bedroom door helps, too! (I’ve been known to throw a chair under the door knob… just for added peace of mind! LOL!)

    What most women and men are craving is a deeper intimate connection… and married sex provides a safe environment to explore sensual desire and intimacy… to talk about what tunes us in and turns us on. The best part is how the delicious ‘afterglow’ from a sensually satisfying experience spills out into the rest of our lives… even our bodies thank us for taking the time to ‘feel the love’ with our beloveds.

    Wishing you joy, love and laughter!
    @AndeLyons
    @BringBackDesire
    Ande Lyons´s last blog post ..Romantic Video: A Woman’s Heart by Chris de Burgh

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  • Rose Byrd May 4, 2012, 1:38 pm

    Loved this post, Gal! You have made Alisa very proud, I am sure! Such a fun and TRUE read here!
    Rose Byrd´s last blog post ..“……you mean we get to REST?”

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