A reader recently told me that, on my advice, she decided to take the trash to the curb one night. It was a job her husband usually did, but she decided to do it for him as a gift.
Problem was that he didn’t thank her or acknowledge what she’d done in any way.
She’s not the only reader who has been met with complete ingratitude for her gestures of generosity. Readers tell me that they make an effort to compliment their spouses, but never hear anything nice in return. Some apologize but are never forgiven. Others have written to tell me that they have hand knit beautiful sweaters for others who never wore them. And I’m sure most of us, myself included, have generously offered advice to many who told us where we could shove it.
It could easily lead you to wonder why so many people are so dang ungrateful.
I used to wonder that myself, especially about my husband. But then I started turning it around in my mind. Whenever I was irritated with someone who I thought of as ungrateful, I reminded myself of all of the times I was annoyed because someone who was trying to help me.
For instance, I remember feeling really ticked off at my first therapist. Looking back on it, she offered me advice that still helps me to this day. At the time, however, she angered me, probably because she was too dang insightful and I didn’t want to admit she was right.
And I know I’ve snapped at my husband whenever he’s attempted to get me to a destination more quickly by suggesting I drive an alternate route.
I also know that, when my marriage was bad, I rolled my eyes whenever my mother lectured me about my marriage being bad. (Sorry, Mom, you were right. I know that now).
And I’ve also rolled my eyes on more than one occasion when my husband has made sure to tell me, “Did you see? I emptied the dishwasher!”
Yes, I’ve been ungrateful.
I don’t bring all of these instances to mind just to beat myself up and make myself feel bad. No, I do it to remind myself that being ungrateful is part of the human condition. Once I can do that, then I can get at a deeper question. It’s this, “Why is it so important for me to want to feel acknowledged, thanked and appreciated?”
After all, if I am truly being generous and selfless, then I shouldn’t expect anything in return. I mean, sure, it’d be nice if I could actually help everyone I tried to help. In reality, however, it’s inevitable that some people, including my husband, won’t get me, won’t want to listen to me, won’t appreciate my efforts, won’t notice the gift I’ve placed before them, or won’t cheer up just because I told them to cheer up. Some might even take my offer the wrong way and somehow feel hurt or angered. They might find my gift annoying.
It goes on.
That’s the nature of things. In the end, the only part I can control is my intention. I can’t control how others receive it. I try to give – material items, help, advice, my ear, love, favors, compliments—with a pure mind and a loving intention.
Then I try to let go of what happens after that.
I’m still working on it, of course. Sometimes when I give and I am met with a positive result, I’m elated. That tells me I’m still attached to the outcome.
Other times I give and I am met with a negative result. Then I’m disappointed. Or I might get angry. That also tells me that I’m still attached.
Still other times, I am met with a negative result and I start laughing and can’t stop. I’m not sure what that tells me.
At any rate, it’s all a learning experience, one that, I believe, continually helps me to become a stronger, happier person.
What do you think?
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s the nature of things. In the end, the only part I can control is my intention. I can’t control how others receive it. I try to give – material items, help, advice, my ear, love, favors, compliments—with a pure mind and a loving intention.
Then I try to let go of what happens after that.
The above is key. I’m going to try to remember that.
My daughter was just here for a visit (she’s 26 and lives in another state). I always feel so unappreciated when/after she visits. It’s like she expects me to fly her to me (thankfully hubby has excess frequent flyer miles). Then I spend money to keep her “entertained”. I got off “cheap” this year since hubby also had HHonor awards for a Hilton Hotel. I wonder if she’d feel differently about her visits if she had to pay for her flights. Or maybe I should let her buy her own Starbucks or pay for the drinks? No, because she probably couldn’t then afford her cell phone bill or something.
I’m just glad that I show gratitude. Maybe I should say Thank You to my husband more often.
Sharing and Caring go a long way Alisa…if more people adopted this? well that would be nice to see.
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens´s last [type] ..Living Life Today – Getting through the ‘dark’ days
Alisa,
Yes I’m also aware how often I’m attached to outcomes. When I did my launch in Jan. I was disappointed in how many people I helped that were unwilling to help me. I know better! I also know I’ll keep growing until I die;)
Tess The Bold Life´s last [type] ..Relationships, Non-Internet Connections, and Bold Living
Alisa,
Your message serves as a great reminder that yes, we can only control ourselves, and do nice things because we want to. It is nice, however, to have the kindness returned too, isn’t it? Hopefully by offering to serve as a positive example for others to follow, we’ll see those around us start to follow our lead!
What do I think? I think you are very wise and have shared some things I really needed to hear! Thank you!
karyl´s last [type] ..#273: You make me out to be…
I have definitely been guilty of ingratitude. Sometimes I prefer to have things done my own way, so when people try to help me or do something nice for me, it can seem more like an annoyance. I definitely need to work on that!
Ouch! Alisan, you really stepped on a tender spot in one of my pscyhic toes when you wrote about the times when you were ungrateful for the help and advice offered to you! Ooh, that is SO very much something I am working on being much more gracious about!!! Bless you for such a great website! So very, very pleased I found you through TheDailyBrainstorm!
Rose Byrd´s last [type] ..“…and I thought you were plotting against me!”
Thank you, Alisa. This is such a relevant topic in my life right now. I’ve had a falling out this last week with a close friend due to his ingratitude. It is very, very sad.
I’ve helped him financially, with the use of my extra car for a year, with job leads and resume writing to help him get back on his feet due to unemployment. It was what you would do for a close friend. I was happy to help and expected nothing in return.
But this never seemed to be enough. He hasn’t put in the effort to get any kind of self-sustaining job. And he is not my responsibility, although he somehow believes he is through my actions. I already have a kid!
I made a big mistake by doing what I felt was the natural, compassionate thing to do for a friend. I feel like a complete doormat for the amount of help — emotional, professional and financial — that I provided.
Although I know you can’t control how others receive your intentions, it still is very painful when they don’t acknowledge your efforts.
I am working on letting go of this…definitely a learning experience on how to be more appreciative in my own life.
Anne–I ran into a situation like that a couple years ago that I’ve written about at some point. Looking back on it, I can see with clarity that I did nothing wrong by giving. The receiver was the person who stepped over the boundary and started to expect the giving. I felt guilty when I had to cut her off, but, looking back on it, that, in itself, was generous. She had to learn how to stand on her own two feet. You can’t know ahead of time if someone will become dependent on your generosity. It’s over time that you realize things like that. At some point, with love, you can say, “I’m sorry, but I have to cut you loose. I hope some day you will come to see that I’m doing this out of love, both for myself and for you.” I like to think that’s what I would say next time. It’s easy to think it in the abstract. In real life, everything is different, though.
Whatever the outcome Alisa, I think you’re right. We never go wrong by being kind…it all sorts itself out in the wash, so to speak:-)
Encourage each other.
Elle.
Elle´s last [type] ..Playing A Winning Game.
One of the greater motivators for humans is a ‘sense of worth’, and that applies in work or personal life. To extend that a bit further, it certainly helps our sense of worth if we can be recognised for it, so by recognising something positive that someone has done helps to validate that.