Another Post Where You Get to Solve My Problems
Frankendog with his dreaded cone.
This story scares me. It also embarrasses me.
I don’t even know where to start.
I suppose the beginning would be a good place.
I have two dogs. You’ve read about our new puppy. I also have an aging Doberman that I adopted from a shelter more than 11 years ago. He’s my running buddy and my napping buddy. He also listens to my problems with rapt attention. Whenever I work too hard, he walks over and tells me it’s time to take a break. Whenever I meditate, he sits next to me and doesn’t make a peep.
He’s a good boy.
He’s also very healthy. Whenever I bring him to the vet for a check up, she raves about how fit and healthy he is.
But his breed is prone to developing benign fatty tumors. For the most part, they’re just ugly and nothing more. In the past few months, however, the poor old dog developed a huge growth on his hind leg. Soon, instead of him pulling me during a run, I was encouraging him to keep up. One day he skulked off when he saw the leash. He didn’t want to go. It broke my heart.
Not much later, he couldn’t get up on the bed. Then he couldn’t get into my car without help.
I took him to the vet. She told me that I had two options. I could have the growth and a few others removed and possibly buy him a few more happy years. Or I could do nothing. Eventually he wouldn’t be able to walk. Because he’s an 80 pound dog, not being able to walk would be a big deal.
So I opted for surgery.
Last Tuesday was surgery day. I walked my kid to school. Then I dropped the old dog off at the vet. I also dropped the puppy off at daycare. I wanted the puppy to be completely tired out for when the old dog came home. This was the one thing I did right that day.
Then I forgot about the kid and the dogs and went to work.
Around 3 pm, I called the vet because I had not heard from her. She told me that the old dog was doing okay, but suggested I not pick him up until 7 pm. The old dog has a mild blood clotting disorder and had really swelled up from the surgery as a result. The vet just wanted to observe him for a few hours before sending him home.
This was a problem. On Tuesday nights I assist with a meditation class that starts at 7 pm and ends around 8:30. It’s a half hour away from my house.
There was no way I could pick up the dog and help with the class.
Okay, fair enough, I realized I needed bail on the class. Hey, I’m no dummy.
I emailed a couple people and explained the situation. Because I keep all of the class materials – including sign up sheets, a donation basket, and the photo of the Buddha—in a suitcase that I bring to class, I offered to drop off the suitcase before class so the main teacher could still set up.
By 5 pm, I was wrapping up a few work things and I was pressed for time.
I raced out to pick up my kid. Then I picked up the puppy. Then I came home. As I walked the puppy and carried the puppy’s crate into the house, I said to my kid, “Please take your backpack and coat out of the car.”
She whined about how it was too hard to do so and why I should do it instead.
I told her that I had my hands full. The fact that I had my hands full should have been obvious. After all, the puppy was pulling me all over the yard. I kept dropping my keys and the crate kept banging into my legs, causing me to say “Ow” really loudly over and over again.
She whined again about how I should do it.
I felt the anger start to build, so I began telling myself all of the things I usually tell myself when I don’t want to bite someone’s head off.
I managed to breathe away the anger.
Or so I thought.
I got inside. I put the crate down. I asked my kid to feed the dog. She gave me a load of lip.
“Damn it Kaarina!” I shouted. I shouted it so loudly that the house shook. I do not believe that I am exaggerating.
It felt good to shout that loudly. That’s the kind of anger I was feeling. It was the it-feels-so-freaking-good-to-shout-at-a-little-kid anger. I don’t remember what I said next. It had something to do with how I was going to take away everything she loved for the rest of her life if she didn’t feed the puppy.
She fed the puppy, but kept giving me lip about how it was really my puppy because I was the one who paid for it.
I told her that, by that reasoning, all of her toys were my toys.
And under my breath I threatened to burn them.
“What?’ she asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “We’re in a hurry tonight. You know I hate being in a hurry. But we are in one. So if I were you, I would be very quiet and just do as I tell you. That way I won’t accidentally say something that hurts your feelings.”
I got the puppy outside. The puppy did her puppy business. I crated her. Then we got in the car so I could get the suitcase to meditation class. It’s a half hour drive. I think I told you that already.
It was around this time that my daughter told me that she was hungry. I ignored her. She told me she was hungry over and over again until I responded. I said something like, “Good, learn how to release your attachment to comfort. This is good practice for you. And learn a little gratitude. Some people go hungry for days and weeks. Be thankful that for you it will only be for a few hours.”
She kept whining.
I kept gripping the steering wheel more tightly. I’m surprised I didn’t break it.
She started asking me things like, “Why is it taking so long?” and “When are we going to get there?” and “Why can’t you stop at Panera?”
I didn’t trust myself to say anything nice, so I went with the not saying anything at all tactic.
Next thing I knew, I’d missed the turn for the meditation class and I was saying a string of words that would offend some of you if I actually typed them. So I won’t type them.
I dropped off the suitcase.
Then it was back to the car to reverse the entire trip I’d just made.
More whining and more steering wheel gripping went on for the next half hour.
By the time I neared our house to pick up my husband, I had about 5 minutes to spare, so, with a great sense of forced generosity, I pulled into a McDonald’s. My kid was thrilled because we almost never do fast food, but she wanted me to go to a different McDonald’s because the other one had better toys. How she knows this, I do not know. I said something about how I don’t have time to go to another stupid McDonald’s so she better order her stupid food now before I changed my mind and made her eat Brussels spouts for dinner.
She ordered.
I waited for my order. I pulled out my phone to call my husband and tell him that I was almost there to pick him up before getting the old dog.
That’s when I saw I had a message.
It was from the vet, suggesting that I leave the dog there overnight.
It was around this time that I started crying. I was crying from relief, frustration, concern and regret. I was relieved that the saga was over for the night, but I was also frustrated that I’d just raced around town for nothing. I was sad that I had missed meditation for no good reason because I obviously really needed to be there. I was also worried about my poor dog. I was thinking about how he must be suffering and how he must feel abandoned. I was also crying because I didn’t like myself in that moment. I was crying because I thought I could have done better. I was crying because I thought I hadn’t lived up to my potential.
And I was crying because I thought my kid deserved better.
Finally I was crying because I was trying not to cry. You probably know how that is. Or do you?
Since this post is already 1300 words long, I’ll stop here and bring you part 2 tomorrow. Until then, you can let me know what you think I did wrong and what you think I should have done next to correct my errors.
It has come to my attention that many of you have been getting errors when trying to comment. I’ve worked with a tech God to try to fix this. If you cannot comment on this post, can you email me to let me know? Alisa (at) alisabowman (dot) com.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I would have done similar. Except the McDonald’s. I would have found another fast food restaurant.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t hear the phone ring or are you like me, you don’t hear it ring in the car – between radio and road noise, I don’t hear my phone ring in the car.
My only suggestion (not that you asked): keep food in the car. I tend to have low blood sugar – I pretty much have to keep food in my car. I was keeping crackers (individually wrapped) in my car. Now I’m going to keep peanuts in the shell – since I always have leftovers from the hockey games I go to. This way you can hand the kid some food until you can get her dinner.
Also, I’d have a serious talk with the kid about being grateful and helpful. Kids need to contribute to the household with chores and learning to take care of their own stuff. I think my daughter was 6 when she started making her own lunch for school. I got tired of hearing “I don’t like that, I’m not eating that for lunch”. So, pack your own lunch – it must contain protein, fruit and healthy carbs. That took one chore off of my “to do list” and as a working mother, the 10 minutes I saved not packing her lunch, meant I got to do some other chore. And she learned to appreciate her lunch and be responsible for feeding her growing body.
I think recognizing you weren’t feeling “centered” and that you could feel your anger brewing was beneficial. I also think that ANYONE trying to take care of kids and pets and work is often overhwhelmed. We’ve ALL had our moments of frustration, cussing tantrums and “just shut up!”, all of us. I think you were too hard on yourself. But if I had to pick one thing “wrong,” even though I believe we all react/respond as needed in most any given situation, it’d be this: allow yourself a window of time, say 5 minutes, to cry and scream and then go about your day/night. Set a timer, lock yourself in a bathroom, or wherever you can and just scream and cry. Pets are family members and when they’re sick, it’s stressful. This is a great story, one full of humanity and realism and I’m looking forward to the rest of it.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
First, you are SOOOO not alone. I find I am about to break down in the grocery store, of all places, when I’m rushed after working, taking my kid to karate, soccer or Girl Scouts and then rushing to get some dinner in before bedtime but realized there was nothing at home to make! Keep a baggie of trail mix in the car or in your purse for the kid or even a granola bar and a bottle of water but make sure you regularly exchange these so you don’t have half bottles of water in every door of the car and some crusty old petrified fruit bars in the center console (learned from experience), hug your kid, tell her you’re having a bad day and you just need a little bit of help, giving her choices of what she can do (i.e. take the puppy out or feed the puppy). Then, after finding out the old dog was staying overnight, ditch the McDonald’s and take the kid and the hubby to a sit down meal and BREATHE!
First, you writing is amazing. I was able to imagine each incident. Second, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all go through days like this. Don’t forget you are only human. You can’t always do the right thing. Sometimes we just need to survive and remember that “tommorrow is another day” with a new energies and an opportunity to do better.
About the crying: did it help? did it make you feel liberated?
How is your dog?
Did you talk with your daughter about what happened that day? Did you apologize for your behaviour? Maybe it’s a good lesson to teach her that no one is perfect and that even her mom has her limits and weaknesses.
The crying makes perfect sense to me. It all makes perfect sense to me. I don’t really think you did anything wrong, and I don’t see any need to apologize to the child, who is probably old enough to learn to whine less and help more. (Except that you might want to apologize for using foul language.) Carla’s idea of keeping some food in the car is a good one. I carry protein bars in my purse when I suspect I’m going to be pressed for time. Anyway, I hope you and your daughter are both feeling better and that the dog is okay.
Dear Alisa,
a touching story and it sounds familiar to me.
It’s easy to be wise after the event.
My experience is: if it can be foreseen that a situation (like yours that day) will create a lot of stress and hurry, it might be a good idea to try to find another solution which avoids all the chaos instead of planning to be a hero(ine) being doomed to failure with significant probability…
I don’t know if there would have been another solution, but if you had been talking to the vet about alternatives, you might have found out that it could be better to let the dog stay there over night.
What is also very familiar: being rude to the loved ones (especially our children and spouse) when under pressure….
And your description of the whole situation and your feelings and well-meant try to calm down is absolutely to the point – thank you!
I’m looking forward to part II.
Kind regards
B.
I agree with what another reader said about leaving food in the car. I have 2 kids, with one on the way, and I’ve finally learned that my life is a lot easier when I keep my purse and car stuffed with healthy snacks and bottled water. Long line? Munch on some Bunny Grahams, guys. Stuck in traffic? Here kids, have a granola bar and some water. This has prevented many meltdowns over the years. It’s also helped me fight off my own hunger pangs during long shopping trips or boring appointments.
Missy´s last [type] ..oDesk Scam Artists: Signs Writers Need to Look For
I keep nuts in my backpack, plus a refillable waterbottle. That way when low blood sugar strikes I’m good. The nuts don’t get as funky as powerbars can.
The foul language probably wasn’t the best choice, but from what I’ve picked up your child is old enough to be aware of what’s going on. Did you explain that it was going to be a stressful day for you because of your doggy friend? Most children are capable of rising to the occasion if you explain what’s going on beforehand. My step-daughter has expressed that to me before, that if she knows what’s going on she knows not to take me personally if I get snippy, & knows to help me more. Talking it out afterward would be good too.
Just remember that you are human, you will make mistakes & have bad days. Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Setting that example for the child is really important too.
This post made me get tears in my eyes. Maybe its because I’m pregnant & hormonal, but its partly that I can totally relate to the frustrated feelings you described & also the disappointed in yourself feelings too.
My son isnt 3 until April so I think I place unrealistic expectations on his behaviours sometimes or I just let his behavior affect mine.. I seem to start the day off as nice mum & depending on how my day goes sometimes by the afternoon I find myself snapping & getting so frustrated & I often realize that sometimes it’s more because I’m in a hurry because I haven’t planned my day well or gotten as much done at home as I’d have liked. I’m trying to learn to walk away & calm down but I’d sure like to see what you have to say next as I’d like to be a calmer, more empathetic mumma whilst also bringing up a thoughful child.
I
Katie´s last [type] ..Photographic wishlist
Why did you have to drive the whole hour round trip to bring the suitcase? I don’t know the situation, obviously. But if you “help out” with that class, is there someone you regularly help who could have/should have stepped up to help you on this hectic day when all you were trying to do was fit in care-taking for your daughter, your sick dog, your puppy, and the meditation class as well? Could they have met you halfway?
Agreed. My only suggestion about what was done wrong was trying to do it all without asking for help. What about hubby? I presume if you were intending to go to meditation class, he would have been responsible for the child anyway … If you try to do everything, nothing will be done very well.
The only thing I think you did wrong is try to be Super Woman. We’ve all been there, so don’t beat yourself up over it. A couple people suggested talking with your kiddo about why you “went off”. I am really big on that. My daughter is in middle school and I have two year old twins (and a dog, a rabbit, some fish – oh yeah and a husband!) so the oldest has heard her share of mom losing it. We talk A LOT afterward. I think those talks help me keep my cool the next time I am in such a crazy state better than anything else does. Knowing that I am “accountable” to her helps me remember to set the good example, not the poor one. But I still have moments of weakness…
You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes things or days just do not go as planned. Sometimes we put ourselves on a pedestal and think we can overcome everything and well, sometimes we fall or even better … realize we’re human.
I often don’t hear the phone in the car, it probably rang when you were in a bad reception spot. I never think ahead to have food in the car and my kids don’t always (okay, often) don’t want to cooperate. This is life. Tears are another way to accept that we can’t be in control all of the time. It’s just part of being human.
{{hugs}} for an out of control evening.
Gail´s last [type] ..Keeping warm when running in the cold
Hi Alisa, You know I don’t typically post but as you can see I still read all your posts. I love your Zen (Buddha) attitude in all things, really I do, I would like to be more easy going like you. I am saying all that so you will know that I truly care about you and would hate for the next part to sting or hurt you.
Your dear little girl was being a brat, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! Buddha would have put that kid in the trunk after whining while you are doing a tear to pick up a sick dog and it is OK to teach your sweet charming innocent little girl that the world does not revolve around her and that your sole reason to exist is to serve her and everyone else in that house.
That being said the suggestion of having snacks available is a good one. But I have to say when I asked my kids to do something, as soon as I got lip, so to speak, I started to count out loud. If I got to 10 there were repercussions. I would just very calmly count slowly to 10 no matter what tantrum they were having. I rarely got to 10 before they straightened out but if I did I had to follow through with no TV, no dessert, early bedtime whatever. I know to many people children’s respect of their parents is a passe thing but there is a place for it.
I appreciate your post, all of them in fact. I love reading someone else having the same issues as me. I just exploded on my daughter last night too. We must have similar cycles because your life seems to go like mine! I am not going to tell you what you did right or wrong. I am just going to say Thank You for posting this, and all of your other posts. They make me feel like I am not alone or unique in this world!
Alisa, thank you for your honesty in this post, your blog in general and your book. You write about experiences that are common to many of us but we are afraid to admit to. I have experienced a disconnect between the way that people generally talk (or don’t talk) about the challenges in relationships and motherhood, to name two topic areas, and wish that we could all share more about our authentic experiences. As Rena just said so well, a more open dialogue about what is “normal” would help us all feel less alone in the world.
Alisa,
I don’t, of course, know what you did next, but what I hope you did is ask your husband to look after your daughter (and the puppy, if needed) and go meditate on your own. Too time consuming to make it back to the class, I can see that. but the space and quiet and perspective would, I think, help you get centered, and help you decide what’s next for yourself on any of this and what to say when you speak to your daughter about how things went.
Kerry´s last [type] ..Mary Black: Stories from the Steeples
I can totally relate. I have a habit of snapping when I’m particularly stressed. It was nice to see that you used some of the same techniques I do, which is explain that the other person (usually my husband) needs to help me by doing what I ask so that I don’t accidentally hurt feelings. I also use what I call my “shut up intervention,” wherein I force myself to keep my mouth shut so I don’t say hurtful things. Granted, my silence is a deafening roar, but at least I haven’t said things I’ll regret. Luckily, I’ve learned that a snack usually helps in these situations, so if I were you, I’d load up.
I should add to that last comment– thanks for making me feel normal!