It’s that time of year again when I ask you to tell me about your problems. Last year scores of you told me about your biggest marital problems and, over the course of the year, I picked one at a time to profile here on the site and solve together as a community. The feature was quite popular, so I’d like to do it again this year with a twist. I’d like to broaden the scope. Comment here (if you are reading on email remember to click through to comment) or email me (alisa @ alisabowman (dot) com) and tell me about one or all of the following:
1. Your biggest marital problem. Why are you struggling in your marriage?
2. What’s standing between you and happiness. In other words, your biggest life problem. This does not have to relate to marriage. It can be about anything.
3. Marriage improvement advice you’ve tried to implement to no avail.
I’ll pick one problem each week to workshop together as a community.
In the meantime, for inspiration, check out the essay “How to Succeed In Marriage” that I wrote for Family Circle.
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Claire (11)
Kerry (10)
Ravsean (9)
Sarah Liz (9)
Mandy (6)
Kathy (5)
Kristen (4)
Tiffany (4)
Alexandra (3)
MPK (3)
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
1) To balance marriege and children. It’s all around the children. We hardly have time to ourselves – technically and mentally.
2) I feel I don’t use my potential. Because of my medical weekly appointments I can’t find a job and I’m at home.
3) The advice is to consult one another. Again, we hardly find the time..
Thank you for the quedtions. It helped me to focus.
My biggest struggle is that I feel like I have to pull teeth to get my husband to talk to me about anything. I can talk to him non stop but he doesn’t always participate in the conversation. He will come home from work and tell me stresses of his day but then events, like his old boss who made his life miserable, leaving the company he leaves out completely. I have tried different times of days, waiting until he has had some downtime, trying to talk over dinner, nothing helps. I have given up because I don’t know how to reach him. Obviously communication was never something that was a part of his life growing up. (Only child, single mom, he was left to his electronics most of the time).
I totally identify with you. My husband hardly tells me anything. I also do all the talking. Don’t give up. Schedule a regular activity for only both of you. Maybe during this time he’ll share.
The most vexing problem for me is my husband’s passivity. This has bothered me throughout most of our marriage, whether or not things generally were going well between us. It was much worse during the really bad time, when passivity became more like paralysis. Now that we are working on the marriage and things are better, it still exasperates me.
Here is what I mean. If I don’t plan activities for us, we will probably do nothing. If I don’t make the first move we probably won’t have sex. If I don’t ask him to do something he probably won’t do anything. When I plan an activity, initiate sex, or make a request, he generally responds in a positive way. He likes most of the activities we do, he enjoys sex, he doesn’t mind doing things around the house to help me. But he will only rarely do any of these things without prompting from me. Even when he comes up with an idea, such as going out to eat, I am expected to pick the restaurant. I find all this exhausting and frustrating.
In response to Mandy’s trouble with her husbands passive ways:
I know it is frustrating to have a partner who is not actively involved in keeping the relationship going (and there aren’t many relationships that “automatically” thrive without any effort). Do you think it might also have to do with gender-role expectations, like how many expect men to be the “active / forward / direct / loud / aggressive leaders,” and women are expected to be the one’s who look on while their man working / leading, the one’s who must wait for a man to make the first move? Even though my wife and I say we don’t believe in “gender roles,” I’ve noticed that whenever there is a role-reversal we have a very hard time accepting it.
And by the way, I know it could be better, but be thankful that your husband responds to you in a positive way, at least. Try living with a spouse who (at this point) not only never initiates anything, but who also says “no” to everything that you propose! The “I-shouldn’t-have-to-be-the-active-one” mentality becomes a complete bar to all activities when coupled with the “your-ideas-suck-and-you-are-a-bad-leader” opinion.
Did you try talking to him about it? Does he know it disturbs and exhausts you and that you would like him to innitiate more?
My wife misses so many opportunities to do a little favors for me that would help make life a little bit easier. When I ask her to do things for me she will either start to hem and haw, or display a lot of anxiety, either real or fake.
I really don’t mind doing 95 percent of the household management, and nearly 100 percent of the child care. All I want is to feel loved, and be shown a little appreciation.
I put my heart out on my sleeve once during therapy and told her all I needed to feel loved was a simple hug and some touching every once in awhile ( by the way, we haven’t made love since november of 2008)
I really don’t think this marriage can be saved, but we have an 8 year old whom I don’t want to leave, so here I am stuck in this awful marriage!
Michael, I was in a similar situation. I decided I had to try everything before giving up on my marriage. I started treating my husband with kindness and enthusiasm, even though I had to force myself. It seemed horribly unfair because he was not treating me well. He wouldn’t touch me, would barely even look at me. He was willing to go to therapy, so at least there was hope. But behaving in a loving way toward him was terribly painful at first because he did not reciprocate. Counseling really helped. I also think that my behavior set an example for him and over time motivated him to at least show some appreciation. Gradually he started to make an effort to be better. Although things still aren’t where I would like them to be, our relationship has improved greatly and he is treating me so much better. We are both still working on it and I expect it will continue to get better. If your wife ever treated you in a loving way, then she has the potential to do it again. It may be that with more therapy you will be able to find the key.
My biggest marital problem is that my husband does not like to wear his hearing aides. I know this may sound trivial to some of your younger readers, but it does drive me nuts and maybe, for some of you, could be a problem in your future. It has become hard to have a conversation, because when I remind him to put them in, he gets irritated. I’ve noticed that I tend to shout, rather than talk at a normal volume. Then my daughters get irritated because I speak more loudly to them than before. Any suggestions?
Alexandra´s last [type] ..Racoon-Proof
One suggestion Alexandra – get him a computer pad. They are easy to carry. They can likely be rigged to vibrate whenever you send him a text.
Take care.
Rav Sean
My biggest problem is that I dont think my husband respects me. He lies to me about the littlest things, his reason always being he thinks i will get mad, but every time he lies to me about something i think how stupid! why would i be mad about this, he says im always mad but im always mad because he disrespects me so much. so i’ve developed a trust issue, for good reasons. We get into a fight and he finds comfort in talking to other women about me. He tells me they’re really good friends, yet i’ve never heard of them before. I read the conversations and he seems so needy. hes done this to me 4 times in the 3 years we’ve been married. so again the trust issue grows bigger, and i get upset over little things. i asked him to help me work on my trust issue and his response was to let him go “hang” out with the guys, but he lied to me about what they were going to do. I feel like he wants to be married because its convenient for him and hes gotten used to me doing anything and everything for him, but he wants to actually live a single life.
JJ,
Your husband sounds like I used to be years ago. I used to lie to cover up the fact that we had a low balance in the account. It was always about financial things mostly. Obviously he knows that what he’s doing is wrong, talking to other women, and so he lies to hide his own shame.
It is not appropriate for him to be discussing your marriage or you with other women, so if he continues to violate your trust in this area… you may have to escalate your reactions to this behavior, up-to and including kicking him out and separating.
Undeveloped husbands WILL take their wives for granted for as long as she will endure… until she blows up and is ready to leave him for good. Then he scratches his head and wonders what happened. The astute husband will learn from this, and start learning how to fix HIMSELF and change his behavior so that he is attractive in his wife’s eyes again. The dense husband, sadly, will lose his wife and his self esteem along with it.
Do not tolerate lies from your husband anymore.
I’m new to this site, but reading your post was the exact reason I’m up googling divorce options at midnight! My husband is a big fan of omission. It’s not really a lie if he doesn’t tell the whole truth. Or, he’s a big fan of literal meanings of words. i.e. He may not have gone to an actual “bar” because the place he went is called the “cigar shop”- they bring their own drinks and it’s a club. They only sell cigars not booze. Either way, he’s still coming home smelling like scotch and cigars after work, but I asked him if he went to a bar and truthfully, he didn’t. So infuriating. I spoke to one of his ex-girlfriends once and she said he became so wrapped up in meanings and interpretations, he couldn’t tell the truth if he tried. I don’t even like talking to him anymore because I’m tired of trying to decipher what he’s telling or not telling me. I just re-read what I wrote and I can hear how much I don’t make sense. This is how I feel everyday, lost and confused and so frustrated. I hope this blog lady has some answers. Can a lawyer/liar ever learn to be honest?
Biggest problem: Well there are MANY…
But one that has affected us in the past and still is a constant struggle is Internet Pornography.
I’m not against sexual experimentation or even masturbation.
I’m not even against other ‘consenting” adults using “responsible pornography” if they like it and it helps their sex lives, BUT I feel that in MY relationship I want my partner to direct his sexual tension and arousal to me, his very open “sexual” partner, not an anonymous person/people on a computer screen.
According to him, pornography and sex with a partner are two totally different things/experiences but I still can’t help to think that it affects the dynamics of a relationship esp. when one partner doesn’t like the other using it.
Am I being unrealistic in a “Pornografied World” where 100% of males have seen/experienced pornography?
Am I not allowing my partner to be independent in his choice to watch pornography?
Should I respect his choice to watch pornography?
He’s attempted to quit plenty of times and currently at the moment he doesn’t do it (to my knowledge) but I know it’s a big struggle for him and I know that if he had the house to himself, he’d probably do it.. and whats worse… I can’t do anything about it, anything to help him.
We have spoken about it a lot and he knows how I feel, but I’m beginning to realise it’s not as “Black and White” as I thought….
What do other people think??
What are your experiences??
You’re not alone. I just came home after a week visiting family. I don’t share a bathroom with my husband but today I found some old magazines while I was in there bathing our daughter. My favorite is explaining to our 2-yr-old why there are naked ladies on the ipad when she does a search for her Elmo or Mickey Mouse videos.
I had no problem with him hanging on to one or two magazines, but when I find new ones or see that he’s been watching it on demand when I am home makes me feel inadequate and embarrassed or insulted. It hurts my feelings and makes it harder for me to want to do it with him at all.
I’m eager to read your advice to AmyB, Alisa. Amy, this is a hard thing to deal with. Really hard. There’s mention of it in the book HUMP, which is about having a sex life after kids. I remember how the mom falls asleep while putting the kids to bed. Her husband and she had a sex date but he didn’t wake her up. Instead he looked at pornography on the Internet. I don’t think you are being unrealistic. I don’t know how I would be able to deal with that issue in my marriage. Alisa! Help AmyB!!
As for my biggest issue — it’s similar to one above about the marriage/children balance. But with a twist. I’m a morning person, my husband wakes up at night. I put the kids to bed and am exhausted. He wants to spend time together. I do too. But in the morning when I’m ready for a walk, jog, or intimate coffee date (with a goodnatured toddler in tow), he’s just not at his best. It’s hard enough to find ANY time together. How do we find the RIGHT time?!
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..What Trying to Eliminate Packaging Has Taught Me About Marriage, Life
1) My husband likes to spend a lot of time with his friends. This leaves me feeling like his friends are more important that myself and the kids.
2) As a whole things aren’t terrible in my life.
3) Reguarding the friend thing: I’ve tried not harping on him, tried going with him (which leaves me feeling guilty or not having a very good time), and I’ve tried talking with him.
My biggest problem is that my husband has NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD people are selfish, entitled, never admit a mistake, blame everything on others, are stingy and withhold physical, emotional, financial support in order to control others. In my particular case, the worst manifestation is that my husband withhold emotional support and is VERY stingy. I have tried to keep our marriage together for the sake of our kids, by I don’t think that is even healthy for me and them anymore to remain in this marriage. It is a shame because in the spare moments when he is in a good mood, he is affectionate and caring with the kids. I know for sure he is not in a affair, but our problems are because of his personality disorder.
Hmmm… I guess at the moment the biggest thing is this: My husband has a lot of medical issues and we’re currently waiting for him to get listed to get a new kidney, which hopefully will happen in the next week or two. He’s amazingly upbeat much of the time, but as is to be expected, gets down in the dumps a lot of the time, too. Which puts ME down in the dumps.
I do pretty well at rising above it all, because I’m the one and only breadwinner in the family, and for one thing, I really can’t afford to be bummed out a lot. I also can’t afford it *emotionally. It’s draining to get depressed and then have to pull yourself out of it all the time, while at the same time trying to boost *his spirits.
So yeah, that’s probably the biggest challenge at the moment. And I must say, it’s better since I made the conscious decision to rise above it and to re-train myself to stay upbeat in the midst of chaos.
Jane Boursaw´s last [type] ..Take a Look at Brad Pitt’s Outtake from the Hollywood Reporter Cover Shoot
Well…I’m not sure if it’s a biggest problem…since my marriage lasted only 1 week before my husband decided he wants out. Did I mention we have not lived together. Ok back to the subject…my biggest problem is my husband thinks negative of everything that I do and say. He would watch how I act or say, keeps in his opinion, have a conversation with himself, come to a conclusion and call it truth. No attempts to get clarification on my comments or my action. He makes it into a fuss later and even when I explained, he already has his perception concrete and won’t move from that, because he has already called it ‘truth’. He thinks I’m in the relationship to get ‘something’ even although we signed a pre-nup, with him keeping all his property and me keeping mine. I asked him so what would my motive be for marrying if not for love. He has no answer..how stupid can a thought like that be??? So therefore after one month now he wants a divorce…did I mention we have not lived together as husband and wife because we live in 2 different countries but from one culture, so it should not be that hard to understand each other. I sum it up to be a dog trying to protect the one bone he has…maybe nothing is wrong with that.
What’s standing between my marriage….my husbands negative mind and my failure to find a solution
I have tried to explain to him, I’ve tried showing him….but..I guess that’s it….He doesn’t even want to try. I’m not even sure why I’m even bothered to write about it…
I’m so disappointed to think, I waited so long for my first marriage..prayed so hard and it turned out to be one fat zero because of stupidity and lack of wisdom and understanding.