I spend a lot of time in graveyards. I’m fascinated by what I can learn about the no-longer-living by what’s written on their headstones.
For instance, there’s the group grave of the many infants one woman birthed between 1915 and 1920. I ache for that poor mother.
There are also the graves of the husband and wife who died the same year. I like to think that their love was so strong that one could not survive without the other.
There’s one grave that I seek out every day. It belongs to Sue. I did not know her. She died more than 20 years ago, back when I was just a student at Penn State.
She was only 39, too young to die.
Most of the headstones of the too-young say “Departed Too Soon” and “Gone But Not Forgotten.”
Sue’s is different. It reads, “Make Today Count.”
Her grave is near that of her mother, also dead. Her father’s headstone is also nearby, but he is still living. Someone puts fresh flowers on Sue’s and her mother’s graves regularly. They are the most beautiful of flowers. They are not the lifeless, plastic flowers that I see on so many graves. No, these flowers are living, potted, and always bright in color.
I can only guess that the flowers come from the still living father, who, according to his headstone, is now in his 80s.
I like to imagine him visiting his daughter’s grave once a day. I like to think that, if I time things right, I’ll walk by with my dog just as he’s there to pay his respects.
If this ever happens, I will thank him for the impact his daughter has had on my life. Every day I walk by her grave. Everyday I think of her dying too young. Everyday I read the message she left behind.
Everyday I promise Sue that I will do my best to make that day count.
I don’t always follow through on that promise, but I do try.
As I walk home from the cemetery each morning after visiting Sue, I delight in the light, whether it’s the sharp angles of the early morning sun or the hazy softness of an early morning fog. I feel the cold bite on my cheeks and nose. I listen to the sounds of squirrels and birds and the rustling that wind makes against leaves.
I often can accomplish at least that much.
After that, the workday sometimes takes over and I lose myself in the heat of interpersonal conflicts, envy, and irritation. On these days, my computer doesn’t operate as I would like. It’s too sluggish, and I curse the people who make computers. I also curse my fingers for their sloppy typing habits and I curse whatever person didn’t save the file I was working on last. On these days, I go to bed exhausted, but grateful that I get to try again the following day.
On really bad days—especially the days when I am tempted to throw something at my husband—I visit Sue a second time. On these days, I stand before her grave and I tell her about what’s going on in my life. “I’m really trying to make today count, but you just have no idea how difficult my husband can be,” I tell her.
Without fail Sue manages to drain the anger from my soul. I leave with moist eyes and an open heart. Usually I arrive home to a husband who has been transformed and the house a bit cleaner than how I left it.
On other days Sue’s voice whispers to me all day long and I’m able to rise above—to stay level headed and loving no matter what narcissism, arrogance, or irritation someone sends in my direction. On these days my heater, air conditioner, dish washer or car radio can break and I can laugh it as an example of the fleeting preciousness of life. Everything breaks. Everything ends. Enjoy it all while it’s still here. On these days I go to bed with a sense that everything is exactly as it should be.
After such days, I thank Sue. If not for her, I might have just wasted another day. Perhaps I would have wasted it by daydreaming of what my life could be rather than living the life I already have.
If not for Sue, I might not have realized just how precious each and every moment actually is. I never heard her voice while she was alive, but it is with me always. It asks, “If this were your very last moment, would you want to spend it by doing this!?! Really? Because, if I could have one more moment, this is certainly not how I would spend it.”
Now at age 41, I’ve spent two more years alive than Sue was able to. I’m sure she would have given anything for two more years.
If somehow someone had been able to extend her life, I bet Sue would have made it count.
She would have lived the rest of her life wide awake.
She would have tuned into the people around her and out of social media and other distractions. She would have shrugged off negativity. She would not have wasted time blaming or complaining.
Rather than lusting and craving for more possessions, she would have delighted in what she already had. Rather than seeking happiness from the outside, she would have felt it from within.
Rather than waiting for life to get better, she would have loved her life as it was and as it would become.
She would have risen above. She would have loved and been loved.
She would not have held grudges.
She would not have retaliated, schemed, or inflicted misery on others.
She would have lived.
She would have been happy for every single moment, and she would have shared her happiness with others.
At least, that’s what I’d like to think she would have done if she’d had the chance that I have right now.
And the same chance you have, too.
In 2012, listen to Sue. Make today count. Make everyday count.
Don’t waste a single moment.
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post.
Why don’t you leave a letter on the headstone for the person that is leaving the flowers. Maybe it would make their day. That in their loss, someone has gained from the words written on the headstone.
Very inspiring post. My husband likes to explore graveyards, too. In our town, we also have memorial benches now, at the marine, inscribed with sayings like Sue’s.
Alexandra´s last [type] ..In Which We Celebrate a Blog Anniversary
Our tradition is to leave a small pebble on the gravestone. Over time, the elements will take their toll on the pebble, blowing it off. It is a reminder of the fleetingness of our time here in this existence.
May Sue’s effect on your life provide some small comfort to those who mourn her.
RavSean
Alisa: I’m so impressed by how you take everyday details and weave such poignant stories that remind us to slow down and appreciate what we have. I first read this post on my iPhone at the gym and I started to tear up!
Susan´s last [type] ..Top 11 Blog Posts from 2011
What a beautiful, beautiful post, Alisa. And a good opportunity to say that you’re my Sue. After reading your blog for a while now, you’ve taught me to be open to the possibilities and joys of life, rather than focusing on the negative. To rise above life’s challenges, rather than get bogged down in life’s challenges.
In yoga, I’ve learned about the San Culpa, an intention or an empowering, positive statement. Make Today Count is a good San Culpa.
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I needed to read this today. After 20 years of marriage, I have little hope or expectation that my marriage will last much longer, although I would do anything in the world to save it. My husband and I have spent the last two years destroying each other with arguments. It has been hopeless and there is nothing left of this relationship but three adored children, a mortgage and a dog. Your post today makes me think that I need to keep trying, I can’t give up, I have to keep focused on only trying to change myself and count all my blessings, even the challenges that are ever present each day. I have to make each day count in terms of how I choose to behave and respond to my husband. This is all easier said than done, when you feel like a 4 wheel drive bogged down in sand. The more you try and get unstuck the deeper you sink.
Ma’am.. I have no idea who you are or what your situation is, but I say to you to never give up on your husband or your marriage. Giving up on the one person in the world that will have your back through it all will eventually destroy you, him and your children. Please remember the great times you shared and the reason you were married in the first place. I think everyone loses sight of themselves and there marriage at some point. You have to open up to your husband about your desires, resentment and fears. I am sure he will respond better than you believe. There is tons of help out there for you if you choose to seek it out and work on it.
I only know this because I was given up on. I wish I could have changed it but I was never told until it was too late.
I don’t get to read every one of your posts Alisa but something said to me to read this one tonight. I am so thankful that you shared this heartwarming story and that God told me to read it. “Make today count”…what a perfect thought to start my day off every day!
I hope and pray that you get to meet the father one day and let him know what a blessing Sue has been to you and now to many other people. I would just love to be there if that ever happened.
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Thanks Alisa. I really, really needed to read this today.
This is absolutely beautiful and incredibly poignant; one of your best posts ever. I greatly needed this today.
Sue and I have the same BirthDAY, December 23rd, that was the first thing I noticed. I just turned 28!
Obviously, I’m younger than Sue would’ve been if she were alive today, but not that much younger than she was when she died; in fact, I’m just 11 years younger.
I’ve been through a lot in my life, all of us have. Multiple surgeries, endless hospital visits; people often ask me why I have a positive attitude (most days) and it’s because I was blessed enough to know this lesson (make every day count) from a very early age.
I can usually rise above and I never, ever hold grudges. The older I get, the most easily I’m able to let things go and that is gift as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a perfect angel by any means, but I sincerely wish people well and know that my life is own, to make or break of my own accord. My peace, my happiness, my sanity, it’s all up to me. I really wish more people understood this. And I really wish it was as easy to live it as it is to say it.
Recently, when I was involved in a bad car crash, I was greatly reminded of the importance of making every day count. In that instance, when the car behind me plowed into mine, seven people showed up in my mind and it was that precise moment that I realized, once and for all, that I HAVE loved and I have been loved. To know those two things with every fiber of your being is life-changing in the most positive way!
That moment of recognizing that you’ve loved and that you’ve been loved is really all any of us can hope to accomplish in this life.
To be honest, though, today, I’m not having the greatest day. It’s good because I’m alive and breathing, I’ve got my friends, and can walk, but it’s been stressful, hurried and overwhelming. Cars, bills, Dr’s. and so on have made me a bit bonkers today. But, when I logged onto my computer and saw THIS post, everything stopped….
This was quite literally the PERFECT post at the perfect time! So, thank you!
I will think of Sue in the coming days and I will latch onto life and all of its wondrous possibilities!
Like my old boss used to say “Life is beautiful,” and it truly is. Life is also a miracle, lest us never forget the sanctity of it….each and every day, it is absolutely meant to be celebrated and enjoyed!
Thanks again for the reminder, Alisa.
Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to a terrific 2012!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Exquisite. Perfect. Exactly what I needed at the end of a long bumpy day, after two years where I’ve lost more friends than I can count…at day’s end when I need to remember to count my blessings, which are many. To make today count I must honor the still, small voice that tells me who and what matters most. This post is the inspiration for giving myself the gift of living in the light, not in the darkness. In the love, not the meanness (much of which my mind cranks out all by itself.) Thank you.
Beautiful piece. I can relate to it on so many levels, for so many reasons. As I writer myself, I also find cemeteries to be fascinating places, and am intrigued now to learn more about Sue. You must follow up! You did an outstanding job painting a word portrait of her. Thanks for another inspirational post. Happy New Year to you.
I would take this post and put it in a ziplock bag and tape it to that headstone. Whoever is leaving those flowers should read it.
I love all of your posts, Alisa, but this one touched me deeply. I’ve had a big shift in perspective lately, and this post really reminds me of it. For a long time now I have been trying to keep my thoughts positive and focus on what I want instead of what I don’t. Part of that practice was to skim over or not think too long and hard about the tragedies and pain of others. I had compassion for others’ sad stories, but didn’t let myself feel them too deeply in fear that I’d somehow attract similar pain into my life. This was a good thing in a way, and a stage I needed to go through to help balance how I used to be, which was to let such stories throw me into paralyzing anxiety.
While I still wholeheartedly believe in viewing the world through positive eyes, another space has opened up lately as well. I’ve been allowing the not-positive (and sometimes downright heart-shredding) stories of others into my consciousness — but without getting too co-dependent about it, if that makes sense. Just imagining their pain and feeling great waves of compassion for those who struggle so hard with circumstances I can’t even fathom. It makes me feel so very lucky for my set of “piece-of-cake” problems. I used to think I’d been through a lot, but there’s not one thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life that comes one-millionth of a percent close to having to bury multiple babies (to use your example). I also ache for that mother — and am reminded how freaking amazingly blessed I am to have three healthy children.
Anyway, sorry for the long comment — your post just really hit me and I wanted to let you know your words had an effect. I think Marilyn’s idea about leaving a copy for the flower-bringer is a fabulous one, if it feels right to you to do so.
This is a great post. When you began with talking about headstones and visiting a graveyard each day, I wasn’t sure it this was going to creep me out a bit. But it was fantastic. I look forward to the day you meet the person bringing the flowers and you can tell us what they said.
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Beautiful post, one I happened to really need to read today. Thank you
Wonderful post…I need to tattoo it on my brain. Especially “daydreaming of what my life could be rather than living the life I already have…” I really needed this today, thank you.
Wonderful, amazing post.
So today I caught myself in a pissy mood because I expected that the grocery store wouldn’t be crowded and then it was. Really, ANNOYINGLY crowded. People blocking everything with enormous carts. I didn’t buy carrots because there were three people with carts chatting in front of the carrots. And it was the middle of the day! What were all these people doing here? Don’t they have jobs or something? And so I’m going around like a piss-pot cursing at everyone in my mind and then…I stop. I stop and think about how ridiculous my posture is. I thought about how insanely lucky I am that I can just walk into a store and buy almost anything I can possibly imagine to eat. It is an unbelievably amazing thing! People long ago, or in poor countries do not live with such extravagant wealth, abundance and variety.
So I put some inspirational music on my ipod that always makes me smile and continued. After that I even made the deli guy laugh by telling him that I was addicted to the bacon.
Thoughtful post to kick off the new year — and words to live by, for sure.
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I have never been big on graveyards before, but you have such an interesting and refreshing take on them. I’m sure that Sue would appreciate all the positive attributes you have attached to her, since obviously you have no idea if they are remotely true. But I guess that is the bright side of discovering new people through their death. I agree with Kathy from the first comment here- you should leave a note on Sue’s headstone so that her family knows how special she has become to you and how much she has helped you better you life. I feel like that would be an amazing gift to them after losing someone from their lives who was still young.
What got you started on your fascination of graveyards? I mean, did you do that with a family member, or did someone die that brought you to one often, or are you just interested in death and how people are treated after they pass on, or what?
Katie M– I’m not sure. I live across the street from one, so it would be inconvenience to walk around it vs thru it. And while walking thru, I couldn’t help but read some of the head stones. At first I would read them for ideas on what to name fictional characters in bad short stories I was trying to write. Over time I just got interested and thought about who these people were.