In Other Words, This Reader Needs Your Help
For our first post in the Save This Reader’s Marriage series, we’re going to help Ayelet solve this problem. She wrote, “To balance marriage and children. It’s all around the children. We hardly have time to ourselves – technically and mentally.”
You know, I could use a little help in this department, too. That’s why, next week, I’m going to interview a few experts on marriage and dating. Until then, here’s my advice:
- Designate a date night. Get a sitter. Have time to yourselves.
- Put the kids to bed earlier. Even if they aren’t sleepy, make them spend time in their rooms so you can have uninterrupted time with each other.
- Do some tasks together. Many couples have a divide and conquer strategy. He shops at the grocery store while she cooks. She cleans while he does yard work. Try doing some chores together. You pick which ones.
- Get your kids involved in sports or activities and watch them together from the sidelines.
- Let more slide. Put “spending time together” higher on your to-do list than “cleaning the house.”
I know. I know. My suggestions are lame. Did I not say that I needed help in this department, too? Readers: how do you balance marriage with the kids?
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Try to get a weekend a month together without the kids. Is a relative nearby so that you don’t have to pay a babysitter??? My friend drives 2 hours one way to drop her son off at her mother-in-law’s once a month or maybe twice a month. Sounds worth it to me to have some quality time with the husband.
Personally I think having your kid in sports is going to make it less likely for you to spend time together. There will be all that driving around time. Just my thought.
Find friends you can swap babysitting with. Again, a way to save on babysitting money. This way, you can stay home with hubby and not have that expense.
If you get the kids to help with the chores, they’ll be worn out and will go to bed earlier at night.
Need more information. It depends on how many kids there are, and what financial resources you have available to throw at the problem. The only thing that ever works for us is just sucking it up and staying awake after the kids go to bed. Occasionally – VERY occasionally – we’ll go out for breakfast after the kids go to school. It feels like we’re playing hooky, and it is fun to reconnect that way.
Kim Tracy Prince´s last [type] ..Talking Money With Suze Orman
I have three kids, and I have always found the secret to intimacy/marriage sucess in the midst of the chaos of family life is a conscious choice by both husband and wife to maintain their coupledom, even as the fantasy of domestic bliss crumbles around them:) Physical intimacy is a must, and will generally lead to a more cohesive union when confronting the endless (yes, endless) demands of raising children and “keeping house.” Of course, getting away without the kids is fine, but if the connection doesn’t start in the house–in the marriage–then a less than satisfying “date” may be the result. The key words here are, “conscious choice,” and both partners must be willing
to suspend resentment long enough to do all those things we supposedly learned in kindergarten: speak nicely, say “please” and “thank you,” hold hands….
Great post Leanne. Don’t wait for the date night to be loving and respectful toward each other. Love is a choice we need to make everyday.
Oh, and keep it fun too…
Yes, FUN is essential!
When I was married I always found it easier to get up early and have a separate breakfast with my husband. We could talk about the day ahead and give each other some personal time. It meant going to bed a little earlier but there is something magical about those first 30minutes or so in a day where everything is still clear and uncomplicated.
My children are now 31,27& 24 so I can promise you all that it does get better although saying that I am posting this from the emergency room on my IPad as I sit here with my 24 year old at 8 am on a Saturday morning. I should be snuggled all warm in my bed with my partner at this time.
I believe the single most important thing parents can give to their children is parents who have an awesome marriage. “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” Under the pressure of kids (we have five) the order has a tendency to reverse it’s self. We owe it to our kids to do all we can to keep the order correct. I like the comments from the other readers above as they are practical ways to do this.
Mark Manley
I think the best way to find the balance is to accept that there must be a balance.
A lot of parents “put the kids first,” or “above all else,” and while children are extremely valuable and important, they will not benefit from run-down, exhausted, or frustrated parents. Yes, we do prioritize their needs accordingly, but not to the point where it is straining the place where they came from.
The safety instructions for how to operate during an airplane crash say it best. Put your oxygen mask on first, then seek to help others around you. You are no good to anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself.
Jason Anthony´s last [type] ..Arguing In Relationships Is A Good Thing
Ayelet, Alisa, et al….
After our second child was born, the midwife asked my spouse what she intended to use for contraception. “Exhaustion,” was her answer. It works.
Usually, the question of having more time with our spouses is specifically a bedroom question. However, it should be broadened beyond that. When I was at my first position, I found that I called my spouse from the office every day. Folks, I always go home for lunch. There was nothing I had to say to my spouse that could not wait until either lunchtime or the end of the day. I learned that I needed that little connection.
It requires very little time to slip a note (or a nightie) into a briefcase. Those are wonderful to find. Again, they maintain and reinforce the connection.
It is difficult to find that half hour to spend together on a consistent basis. In the meantime, a text message here and a phone call there can go quite far. If one of you works and the other does not, pack a lunch and have an office picnic. Better yet, have a lunchtime picnic at the nearest hotel.
Plan menus and shop accordingly. This way, when you are all home from the office, no one is pacing around the kitchen trying to figure out what is for dinner. You already know. Whoever got home first has already started dealing with it. As well, you are more likely to be healthy in your food choices.
Put a lock on the bedroom door. Teach your kids that the door does not open. One way to start that is to make sure they stay in their cribs when they are small. Diapers can be changed in the crib. After nursing, babies can be returned to the crib.
Send little text messages every day. Even something that says ‘pick up milk’ is a reminder that you share a life. Besides texting, sexting is also good. Lovers who are apart, be it for a day, a week, or a month, do not cease being lovers. Given that the primary sexual organ is the brain, it behooves us to remember that our brains can be activated and engaged from afar. I do not recommend sending any pictures. Once out in cyberspace, it stays in cyberspace.
I agree with Alisa about setting up date night. With young children at home, it may be close to impossible to do this more than once a month. As far as being home and using the lock on the bedroom door, you want to do more than just set a night for sex. Set a minimum amount of time. You might be exhausted the next day. If you let your sex life deteriorate to rushed quickies, those will quickly lose their appeal. If you encourage an active sex life, the quickies will be just another facet of that sex life, available as a tool, but not as the entire construct.
Happy lovers will yield happy children.
Good night all.
RavSean
Let me start with this: The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.” ~Dr. Theodore Hesburgh
7+ Ways to Find Time for Romance in Your Marriage
In a survey conducted by the authors of “Romantic Antics” couples around the country reported that their biggest relationship challenge is time.
- getting time and energy to do fun things together with and without kids
- making time for “us” to stay connected, with our relationship and each other
- finding time for each other within very busy schedules
- knowing what to do to improve our relationship and having the time and will to do it.
Here are 7+ ideas for time management with a twist: using your time effectively to put more fun, play, and romance in your marriage!
1. Communicate love in your marriage – One of the most effective and efficient ways to show your love to your mate is to do the things your mate considers caring, loving, and romantic. You’ll find that most of the things that you think show love are most likely not, repeat NOT, the things that your mate thinks show love. By setting expectations you will not waste time, energy, and effort doing things that don’t make a difference in your relationship.
This exercise will help. Each of you write down 7 things that you like doing for your spouse to show them you love them. Share your lists with each other and make sure you understand what they mean. Now post them in a prominent place and each day for the next 30 days pick one thing off your spouses list and do it for them. Pick something different each day. It will expand your comfort zone around how to give and receive love. It will also strengthen your marriage.
2. Technology – Today’s technology is remarkable and gives us lots of opportunities to share our love quickly and easily. Again, it’s all about time. You can send love notes using high tech methods like cell phones for calling or text messaging, the internet for emailing or IMing, or even low tech post-it notes. There is almost no limit to the creative ways you can use technology for romance in your marriage.
3. Spend time together –Turning off the TV can give you an amazing amount of free time for romance. Use these seven ideas for things to do instead.
- 1. Dinner and dancing.
- 2. Cook dinner together with romantic music and candles.
- 3. Visit a used book store and find a quiet nook where you can neck.
- 4. Go for a walk. There aren’t many things more romantic than walking hand in hand.
- 5. Talk to each other about most anything.
- 6. Spend the evening writing love letters to each other. Seal the letters in the envelopes, walk down to the mailbox together, and drop them in the mail. They’ll be a pleasant reminder later in the week about the love of your mate.
- 7. Clip it. Pick up a few interesting magazines. When you get home spend time reading the magazines and clip a few articles from each for discussion. Talk with your spouse about what interested you and why.
4. Get help – Dog walkers, errand runners, maid services, and personal chefs are just a few of the many people that you can delegate simple tasks to at home and work. Use the kid down the street to mow the lawn or call in a professional service. Find a maid service and have them clean the house once a month to give you a break. Take the time you’ve freed up to focus on your romance.
5. Slow down to speed up – We each need time to recharge. Taking care of yourself will help you take care of each other. Be aware of the things you do that energize you; whether it’s alone time or time spent with people, workout time or nap time, reading, a massage, or listening to music. Figure out how you can manage your energy and expend the same intensity of energy that you use at work when you’re home with your mate. Be there 100% for your sweetie.
6. 10 second kiss – Whenever you’ve been apart for more than a few hours kiss for 10 seconds. This strategy comes from a book by Ellen Kreidman called, simply, ‘The 10 Second Kiss.’
The physical response goes from three or four seconds of surface tension, to a few seconds of into each others arms, and finally a deep feeling of being connected.
You’ll find that if you do this once a day, or about a minute a week, you will connect with your mate on multiple levels of emotion, energy, and spirit.
7. Who’ll watch the kids? – Children demand and deserve a lot of time and energy. Sometimes you just need a break and a good babysitter can fill the bill for a few hours. For a couple with kids, babysitters are indispensable. Keep a card with their phone numbers in your wallet and next to the phone at home.
Places you can find babysitters are in your neighborhood, at your church or synagogue, or through a local hospital. Look for a babysitter that has taken some form of certification class. Many hospitals, high schools, and the Red Cross have classes.
Once you have a babysitter identified there are a few more things you should do to prepare. First check references! You’re asking someone to watch YOUR child. Give your babysitter a complete house tour. Have an instruction sheet and review it with the babysitter. Prepare an emergency contact list with names and phone numbers and an itinerary of your plans for the evening.
Here are some other ideas:
- Schedule time together, if it’s on a schedule there is a better chance it will happen and you won’t get OBE (Overcome By Events) and have your together time preempted.
- Find a couple with kids of similar ages and trade off watching the kids on a weekly or monthly basis.
- Trade off ferrying kids around for sports or other activities with other parents.
- Buy a loud radio for your bedroom and put a lock on the door. Use them!
- Assign the kids age appropriate chores to take them off your list. My 11 and 13 yr. old do their own laundry, prepare their own lunches, feed and clean up after the animals, etc.
- and last, If you have relatives that you trust in the area ask them to take the kids so you can get a break.
Kevin Decker
Here’s some of my thoughts for these winter months:
1. Make a change in your bedroom routine: example: sleep naked (best with a dual control electric blanket or mattress cover)
2. Start a “Thursday Night Ritual” – this is not the typical/traditional date night
Tips for establishing a Marriage Ritual that never ends:
1. It is best done every week, at the same time, and for at least 2 hours.
2. It should be something that is simple, doable, and works for both of you as a team.
3. Only emergencies should take precedence over your ritual; it is time together you can always count on.
4. This is not a “date night;” it is special time that becomes a ritual you truly look forward to and enjoy 52 times a year.
5. And, no matter how badly you may be feeling at times about your marriage and spouse, your Ritual must go on!
3. T&T – agree to touch and talk every day till spring – see how it goes
4. Take the drearier winter months and share your dreams – get them down on paper – hang them up on a bulletin board (or use the computer as mentioned earlier) – they will be stimulating
5. Have you mastered “quickies” – use these doldrums months to do so – a perfect winter goal
6. Do a few nicer things for each other – (you can see my ideas on my old blog on my website: http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com)
7. Mix up the mundane of daily life: example: trade with each other a couple of tasks/roles for the winter
Sharon
A lock on the bedroom door is a MUST HAVE in my world, always has been, always will be. I don’t even have children but I do have roomates and wow, the idea of ANYONE invading my personal space with my partner is just not cool with me. If I did have children, it’d be even more required. My BFF who is married with kids doesn’t have a lock on her door and when I found that out I was just flabergasted. I think a “family-bed” is a beautiful concept, but at some point, ALL couples need and deserve some SACRED space that is theirs and only theirs. I agree that happy lovers yield happy children! And I think just carving out time for your beloved is key. It’s much harder to do with kids, work and what not, but it’s not impossible. Maintaining a mostly healthy, happy relationship (void of abuse, addiction or infidelity–if that’s a requirement for you) is much easier than starting again. That’s just my opinion.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I think having a family bonding is a great solution for that. Swimming at the beach or shopping at the mall, anything that makes all of you happy and bond at the same time.
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