I’m starting a new occasional feature here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Periodically, as issues come up in my marriage, I will write two-part posts like the following. In part 1, you’ll hear about the issue and have a chance to tell me what you think I should do about it. In Part 2, you’ll find out how I resolved it (or didn’t).
Let’s get started.
The Problem of Too Much Poop In the Yard, Part 1
I’ve told you all about the new puppy that has come into my life. To fully understand this issue, it’s important for you to know that I never truly wanted this puppy. We already have an aging dog, one that I adopted from a shelter nearly 12 years ago. He’s a sweetheart and my buddy. He still runs with me. I’m quite fond of him. He’s completely devoted to me. I didn’t want to bring another dog into the picture because I didn’t want the old guy to feel jealous and kicked aside.
I also didn’t want another dog because I suspected that I would be the one who ended up walking it, training it, feeding it and cleaning up after it. My husband and daughter swore up and down that this would not be the case. They both promised that they would take care of the new dog. I would hardly have to do anything, they said.
So, against my better judgment, I let them talk me into adopting a 4-month-old puppy.
You want to know what? The puppy needs to go out around 3 am. Do you wan to know who gets up and takes her outside?
Me.
She also needs to be fed twice a day. Do you want to know who does that?
Me.
She also needs a ton of exercise—lots of walking, lots of tug of war, and lots of ball chasing.
And I do most of it.
Let me tell you: walking two dogs is not easy, especially when one of them is a large 80 pound senior citizen and the other is a 16 pound puppy who is seemingly incapable of walking in a straight line. The puppy loves to walk circles around my body, tying the leash around my ankles. She also has a tendency to walk right in front of my feet, causing me to stop short and trip as I try to avoid stepping on top of her.
For the most part, I’ve used what I’ve been learning in my Buddhism class to reach a state of patient acceptance about it all. “Things should not be any different than the way they are,” I kept telling myself. I tried to focus on the positives: how I’ve trained the puppy to sit and almost trained her to stay and how she seems to be a little more house broken every day.
But I reached the limits of my ability to be patient and maintain positive thoughts when it came to the yard.
Two dogs have a way of creating quite a bit of dog poop.
I decided that there was no way I was going to scoop the dog poop in addition to everything else I was doing.
Just. No. Way.
So the poop kept accumulating.
It got to the point that there was almost more poop than grass. I had to keep finding new areas for the puppy to go in the middle of the night. I soon was taking her to the front yard to do her business. That way, I didn’t have as high a risk of accidentally stepping in poop in the dark.
I made a few comments about how much poop there was in the yard.
Neither the husband nor the daughter lifted a finger.
Well, one evening, when I was wearing my brand new sneakers, I stepped in it.
Let me tell you. I. Was. Not. Happy.
And there was no way telling myself, “Things should not be any different than the way they are” was going to calm me down.
Even though it was raining out, I left my dirty sneakers outside by the door.
I’ll tell you what happened next in Part 2. For now, comment on what you think I should have done next. Stay tuned. Toward the end of this week, I’ll also start another Your Biggest Marital Problem series. There’s still time to leave a comment here and let me know about your biggest marital problem.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
We just got a 7 month old puppy. I feel your “pain”. I don’t clean up my back yard, only because it’s huge and it’s good fertilizer. Tho I may have to. The puppy thinks eating it’s own poop is the best thing in the entire world, next to eating the area rug under the pool table. (I’m figuring out how I’m going to replace that, since I can’t move the pool table by myself.)
I can’t remember how old your daughter is, but she should have chores. One of those chores should be scooping the poop out of the yard. Twice a day if necessary. Poop scooping – both dog and cat – was one of my daughter’s many chores. I had enough to do, so I explained (listed out) all of my chores and then showed her the list of her chores and she was rather impressed by all I did each day. She also understood how important it was for her to do her chores so I’d have time to be fun mommy instead of nagging mommy.
Or, go on strike. Put the puppy in a room that you don’t have to go into and let it have it’s way with the room.
I suggest walking the puppy alone so that you can train it to walk properly and it may be too young to fully get the concept of walking. Our puppy walked right into the back of my husband’s leg yesterday, he wasn’t even stopped. I’m thinking she may need glasses.
Good luck.
That’s hysterical about the glasses! Your idea of listing your chores as you assign your child her’s is a good one. Thanks for sharing!
I would remind the others of their promise which was part of the conditions of getting the dog. Explain who is doing most of the work. Assign jobs if necessary and if they are not done the dog will have to find a new home.
I agree with Sharon. I have a dog that my kids and husband swore they would take care of. I was very upfront about not wanting the responsibility. Yes, I walk the dog and feed the dog but I am not the only one doing the work. My husband has to let the dog out at night to do his business and my daughter is responsible for his baths. My son walks the dog every morning before school. When they complain; I remind them how much they wanted a dog. I would definitely assign the chores. Puppies require a lot of work.
Did you ever actually ask your husband or daughter if they could kindly clean up the poo? Although you did mention or vent your complaints about the poo, did you actually ask them to take care of it? Perhaps neither of them knew that you were suggesting they do it. I believe men and kids can be hard-headed sometimes and don’t necessarily realize that you’re inciting action when you complain about something.
Also….next time, get it in writing!
I’m lucky. My husband promised to scoop the poop and he has done so faithfully for the past 10 years, through all our ups and downs. But there have been other things that he has neglected at times and things that he tends to chronically neglect. I currently have two ways of dealing with this. One is simply to ask him in as calm and friendly a voice as possible, “Could you please do X.” The other is to wait for a neutral time, sit next to him, and in a friendly way remind him that he hasn’t been doing X. Both of these work, but the effect generally wears off after some time (days or weeks, depending on what X is). So then I remind him again. I don’t think there is ever going to be a permanent solution for some of these. He will always need periodic reminders. But I’d rather give him the reminders than get all resentful over doing X myself.
I’m excited to know the outcome of that sudden outburst. I have dogs and their poops as well. So I were at your shoes, I would rant out loud to release my stress and will talk to my husband afterwards to explain what I felt about the situation. What’s going to be your next move?
Couldn’t wait to know.
-Charisse
Charisse Santiago´s last [type] ..How To Attract Women
I’m excited to know the outcome of that sudden outburst. I hate dogs and their poops as well. So I were at your shoes, I would rant out loud to release my stress and will talk to my husband afterwards to explain what I felt about the situation. What’s going to be your next move?
Couldn’t wait to know.
-Charisse
Charisse Santiago´s last [type] ..How To Attract Women
close your eyes and picture there being no such thing as right or wrong.
You can’t just “make comments about how much poop is in the yard.” You have to ask (husband) and tell (daughter) them to help you. Rather than get accusatory, you could say “Now that we’ve had the puppy awhile and have an idea of all the tasks needed to take care of her, I think we should make a list and split them up. There’s walking, feeding, playing, taking her outside at night, cleaning the dog poop from the yard, etc etc. I’ve been doing the feeding, walking and taking her out at night. Daughter, do you want to be responsible for playing with her 4 days a week and picking up poop once a week? Husband, how about you play with her the other 3 days a week and pick up poop once/twice a week too? Great, let’s write down all our tasks and days to do them and put them on the chore chart/post them on the fridge/mark them on the calendar.”
I know this would not be in the Buddha’s teachings. No dharma or karma here, just poop. I would simply scoop up two piles of poop and deposit one on your daughter’s pillow, maybe on top of a paper towel, maybe not. The other I would drop on the seat of your husband’s favorite bike. Sometimes actions speak louder than words especially when people choose not to listen.
For years we’ve wanted a dog. But the poop thing REALLY doesn’t work for me. If I were you, I’d be pissed as hell. But I’m not so good about being all Zen about things like feeling overburdened by dog shit.
There’s an August Wilson play with one character actually SELLS dog poo. I can’t remember what it is used for but apparently in the past it had VALUE.
Not. Any. More.
Is it too late to give the doggie to a different pooper-picking-up family?
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..What Trying to Eliminate Packaging Has Taught Me About Marriage, Life
I have a cat that started out the same way. I hate litter boxes. My daughter SWORE that she would take care of it…
Personally, it may sound heartless…but I would talk with the family and give them a set amount of time to step-up or I would find the puppy a new home.
angelia´s last [type] ..**GIVEAWAY*** Win a Kindle Keyboard 3G + 3 Ebooks!
I think it’s more simple with the kid–she simply does not get privileges until she takes care of the dog. Want to watch TV? Sure, after you scoop the yard. She doesn’t do it one day, no privileges the next day. Wait until she asks for something and say “no, not today”. When she asks why, it hits her–actions (or lack of) have consequences.
With the husband, wake him up at 3 a.m. and ask him to take the dog out. Better yet, get a commitment from him before bedtime that he will do it. Then when the dog needs to go out at 3 a.m., there’s no confusion about who will get up.
Leave a sticky note on the kitchen counter (or other logical location) kindly asking him to clean up in the yard after the dog. Writing notes helps me not be so resentful as I don’t have to listen to my husband’s excuses or try to control my tone of voice when I’m angry because he has dropped the ball–again!
Also, I agree with Angelia. While the puppy is still young and cute, look into finding it another home and be prepared to follow through. It’s not heartless as long as you can find the dog a good home.
I know you have mentioned before that budget is something you are working on all the time. I wonder if you might consider investing some money from other areas of the budget for someone to come in and poop and scoop. I mean it might come out of entertainment or another area where everyone will notice it. It seems like being the individual responsible for clean up is impacting (sometimes at least) your mental and physical well being. It might be worth considering the cost/benefit of a once a week clean up by a professional.
Wow, same story here, Alisa. I said, “No” for the same reasons. They swore I wouldn’t have to do anything. I do everything, including poop-scoop the yard. To make matters worse, the reason I’m the only one who cares if the yard is filled with poop is that my husband won’t catch the football in the yard with our son — so, I do. And when I insist that my husband take a turn cleaning up the poop, you know how he does it? He mows the lawn so the poop gets all chopped up into itty bitty pieces that fly everywhere. Yuck!
Bleach or Hydrogen peroxide will clean those shoes up.
Oh, you meant about the not-picking up poop?
To be perfectly honest I think I’d have a bitch-fit tantrum scream fest. But fortunately Sweetheart has always been great about yard work. He doesn’t pick up the poo as frequently as would be nice, but Sapphire is very good about only going in her poo area too.
I do not believe the Buddha said we should not confront issues. He said we need to practice “skillful speech.” Skillful speech has four qualities: it is always truthful; it is uplifting, not malicious or unkind; it is gentle, not crude or harsh; and it is moderate, not useless or meaningless. As I see it, skillful speech in this situation might go something like this: “I am very tired of feeling like I am taking care of this puppy all by myself. I know you both try to help, but I especially feel resentful of her at 3 in the morning when I have to get up and take her out and every day when I can’t walk in the yard because it is so full of poop. I really need both of you to help me by dividing up these two tasks with me. Perhaps we can make a schedule. I know you both enjoy this puppy as much as I do, but I am really worried I will no longer be able to do all that needs to be done for this puppy, and we will have to return her to the pound (that last sentence you only say if it is TRUE and you MEAN IT).
It’s probably not the “right thing” but I would have probably at that point threatened to ship the puppy off to the animal shelter if someone does not pick up the poop in the yard. In fact, we were on a trial adoption of 2 weeks with a 8 month puppy, and I had similar issues. Except I did all the chores and was crying in anxiety every night feeling completely overwhelmed (Not only that but I was experiencing some more semi-serious health concerns simultaneously). Finally I told hubby that I couldn’t do it alone and he wasn’t helping enough (whether he could or just didn’t wasn’t the issue) and we’re giving the dog back. The Mr keeps telling me we should “try again” lol.
From one pooper scooper to another, I’m interested to see what happened next. My kids will take care of the dog’s business when I ask them to, but I need to tell them, ‘go do it. now.’ And then it gets done. Good luck!
Kristen´s last [type] ..Black out dinner
I was thinking along the same lines as Kathy and Mary, combined. For chore agreements in my household with my kids (no spouse, but that’s another story), they are just that — as are most guidelines. It’s a discussion where all have input & voice and things are decided democratically. For things I have some idea that will be forgotten, I actually do take notes and have everyone sign their agreement. However, for the big picture of what you’re faced with, that’s not quite enough.
I would suggest making a master list of “chores” — separate them into daily, weekly, monthly, etc, if you need to — I’m sure there are a lot and you’ll need some way to help organize the list. You might also include estimated time to complete for each one. Once you have this list, you hold a family council and hash it out. You can set up rotating assignments or dedicated assignments. The point is that everyone gets a fair share (however you all decide to determine fair). Once you have this, then you make something very visible, listing these out, and start tracking it. When someone completes their assigned task, they mark it (checkmark, date/time, whatever). If it’s missed, use some glaring way to mark that it was missed. Use colors. If you fill in for someone else’s task (I highly recommend that you NOT do this), use a special color for that.
With this type of thing very visible, the “subjectivity” is removed from it. It is no longer a matter of your perceptions (that may or may not vary by mood) or their perceptions — it’s right there in plain sight, for all to see, what the real story is. Well worth the effort to stem the tide of a recurring problem.
Alisa, my husband and I might miss the mark sometimes in terms of our marriage, but one thing we are really really good at is managing our dogs and their poop!
As I read your story, I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I think there is more work in store for you….it sounds like you have done a bit of training with the pup, but you are still having problems walking on a leash, it might be helpful for all four of you to participate in a puppy kindergarten class so that you are all learning how to best handle the puppy now.
You didn’t say what the breed is, but small dogs can many times be much harder to train and house train than larger dogs, that is why I recommend getting a bit of professional help as a family. You would do it for your marriage, so why not commit to an hour of class together once a week?
I also think that a crate and a solid schedule could really help to ease the stress. The crate is really helpful for house training because it is natural for dogs to be comfortable and to feel safe in their dens and to not soil in them. My whirling dervish of a German Shepherd can be driving all of us crazy with her in-home herding antics, but if I open the door to her crate, she pops in and immediately calms down – it reminds me a bit of the “squeeze machine” used by Temple Grandin…..where I’m going with this is that once a dog is comfortable in the crate, sleeping there at night can really make house training so much easier for all of you….of course, you have to be the responsible one as far as introducing the pup to the crate and setting a schedule so that it’s meals are on time and that water is only offered up until a certain point in the evening so that you help the pup to be a success in terms of not needing to pee or poop in the middle of the night.
It sounds like a lot of extra responsibility and work, and it is, but the relationship with your pup is not different than any other relationship that is worth tending…
And final thought…..our two dogs are both poop eaters. Yup, nasty, but on the other hand it has made us supervise their poop schedules and to clean up the mess immediately so that we can then let them run free in the yard without having to worry about what they are picking up….honestly, it just takes a second. I take my dog out, she does her thing, if it’s poop, I bring her back in, pop her in her crate, grab the doggie rake and pick up the poop….then she’s out and it’s playtime. The yard is always clean….and that’s nice for everyone!
Good luck with this!!!
Linda–you just made me feel grateful for my situation. At least she doesn’t eat poop! Obedience is definitely on the horizon. The person I wanted to take classes from is no longer teaching, so I need to find another alternative. I’d also hoped to finish house breaking, more for my own sanity (ie one trick at a time) than hers. I’m hoping that my daughter gets into agility training the dog. We’ll see. We do crate train her, but we all tend to leave her out of the crate a little too much and she eventually gets into trouble. If I have her on an exercise schedule, she does great. But then it might rain or something and that will toss off the exercise…. and those are bad days. I just found doggy daycare just for rainy days.
Alisa, it sounds like you are doing a great job! Doggie Daycare is such a big help in so many ways!! I had to laugh, I could have cut my entire reply short and just said “at least your pup doesn’t eat poop!” Always good to have a reality check!!!