Or How I Got a Clean Backyard Without Killing a Family Member
First, can I just tell you all how much I loved getting all of your advice? Comments have been dwindling on the site in recent months, causing me to feel a bit lonely and washed up. More important, your comments made me realize an error in my marital ways.
But first let me back up a bit.
When I left off, I was telling you about how I’d just stepped in dog poop and was under the control of a hot mind of anger. I took my shoes off at the door and walked into the house barefoot. I turned and looked at my poor shoes. They were out there in the rain. That’s when I realized just how attached I was to those new sneakers. I hardly ever have new things, you know? And here, after wearing these shoes for not one full day, what happens? I step in poop.
I am one of those people who likes to learn from suffering. So I stood for a second and pondered what I had to learn from this situation. I thought about how I’d been working on releasing my attachment to comfort. “Well, you’re just going to have to overcome your aversion to cleaning poop off sneakers,” I told myself. “If you stop bracing against the idea of cleaning off your shoes, it won’t be such a big deal.”
“I’ll overcome that aversion later,” another part of myself said back. “Got that? Later? Much later.”
My husband was not home. I’m sure that’s a good thing–for both of us. My daughter was in bed, almost asleep.
I thumped my way into her room.
“Do you want to know what just happened to me out in the yard?” I asked loudly.
“What Mommy?” she asked.
“I just stepped in dog poop—in my brand new sneakers!” I said dramatically.
Do you want to know how she responded?
She laughed. It started as a sweet little giggle that soon erupted into a great big belly laugh.
This got me laughing, too. After all, it was all very funny in a “this should be a skit on Modern Family” sort of way.
Here I was behaving much like the Claire character. I’d been stubborn, refusing to scoop poop for the “principle of the matter.” Let me tell you something I’ve learned from past experience: doing things for the “principle of the matter” is never a good strategy. It always backfires. It backfires on TV and it backfires in real life. Always. Trust me on this.
Case in point: I was the one with poop on my shoe. Was my husband the person with poop on his shoe? No. Was my kid the one with a poopy shoe?
No, it was me.
After getting a good laugh, I took a piece of paper and a Sharpie and created a giant sign that read: “THE YARD IS TOO POOPY!”
I taped it to the door.
Then I started watching television. I don’t remember what it was that I watched. It was either Criminal Minds or Modern Family or both.
By the time the husband came home, I’d forgotten about the sign.
“What’s up with that?” he asked.
I explained the situation at hand.
“Did you clean off your shoes?” he asked.
“Of course I didn’t. You know I hate doing things like that. They’re outside, probably where they will be until April.”
“They’re outside?” he asked, incredulous.
“Yes,” I said.
He opened the door. He picked up my sneakers. Then he announced, “This is what I am going to do for you today. I am going to wash the poop off your sneakers.”
And he went into the basement and he did just that.
I was touched. After all, I’d never expected him to do that, nor had I asked.
Since I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement—especially when it comes to the training of puppies and of husbands–I posted to Facebook, “Love is when your spouse cleans dog poop off your sneakers without being asked.” A few people responded something to the effect of “ain’t that the truth.”
Over the weekend, he and the kid cleaned up the entire yard, too.
And that was going to be the end of this story until I wrote Part 1 yesterday and then read your comments. That’s when I realized that I had never had an important discussion with my husband or my daughter about who was going to do what with the puppy. Sure we’d had vague talks about how this was their puppy and not mine. But a talk about who was doing what chore? No.
No wonder things weren’t working out.
“We need to talk about that puppy,” I told my husband last night. Now, usually I’m not a fan of the “we need to talk” line. In this case, I used a tone of voice that was warm and fun. It communicated, “I’m not about to kill you. I just want to solve this silly little issue and I need your help.”
“Should we put the puppy in the other room?” he asked. “Because if we’re going to be plotting her demise, it’s probably not a good idea for her to hear us.”
This comment really lightened the mood.
I told him that we would not be plotting her demise.
“I don’t have enough time to scoop the yard,” I said. “And I don’t like being out there in the middle of the night wondering if my next step is going to be a mushy one.”
“I’ll scoop the poop,” he offered.
“It can be you or it can be the kid’s job. I don’t care whose job it is. But if it’s her job, I want you to supervise it and make sure it gets done. I already have homework duty. I don’t want to supervise her on poop duty, too. Or you can hire someone. I don’t really care as long as it happens every single week.”
From there we talked about the middle of the night wakings.
“I can’t keep being the person who gets up at 3 am. This is going to affect my writing.”
“I can get up,” he said.
“We should have a system. I do it one night. You do the next.”
“I’ll take tonight,” he said.
“So when I hear her whining and you are still sleeping, I’ll just punch you. When you feel me punch you, you’ll know that you need to get up,” I said.
“Something like that,” he said.
And at 3 am last night, something like that is exactly what I did. He got out of bed. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
Problem solved.
For now.
I’d love to hear from you all. What did I do right? What did I do wrong?
I also want to respond to some of your comments from yesterday, especially the ones about giving up the dog. The puppy, as annoying as she is, has grown on me. So giving her up isn’t an option. Even though I was coerced into getting her, I did make a firm decision. I could have put off getting a puppy for a few months to 19 years had I wanted to. No one brought a puppy home against my wishes. I helped pick her out. So I am just as much a part of this problem as my husband and kid are. Perhaps more important, I am a big fan of rescuing dogs. I always get them from shelters. If you ever step foot in a shelter and witness just how many unwanted dogs there are in the world — maybe of which will be put down –it would just break your heart. The saddest cases are the elderly dogs who were given up for no other reason than that they are old. It’s really sad. There’s a part of me that wants to take 10 of them home. But that would generate more poop than my entire neighborhood could handle.
So we have this puppy. It’s hard work in the beginning with a puppy, but it will eventually pay off. She will eventually be a good dog, one that does not chew the carpet off our stairs or eat Legos as if they were dog treats. She will. I have faith.
And if I communicate effectively, we’ll all grow closer because of her. I’m sure of it.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Catching up on your posts…..Congrats on the puppy! Some mentioned it in Part I but the big mistake I see is the that you must never hint, you must ask. I was a big violator of this rule and all it did was build up anger, frustration and resentment in ME – no one else. It only took me about 18 years for marriage (just celebrated 20!) though to realize it. I finally understood that no one could read MY mind (correctly!) and that my husband needed and preferred direct asking. Now I just let it fly. Even though I know he may just be asking to be polite, when he says, “I’m about to go to bed, need anything?” I say yes, can you warm the little one’s bottle or help her brush her teeth. Or, yes, the older one needs a check for school tomorrow, could you give her one? It’s kind of a joke now so he rolls his eyes, acts put upon and then…he does it! We both are much happier and I’ve stopped turning myself into a martyr in my own mind and he’s less anxious about guessing what I need. Glad to hear you called a family meeting. There’s always a nice, supportive way to do so and achieve results – even it could/should have happened pre-puppy. BTW – I hated the suggestion about serving up poop to others. Reeks of disrespectful power-playing and bullying to get results. I always try to relate behavior w my kids to what will be expected of them in the workplace eventually – respectful problem-solving (although we can all entertain that “take this job and shove it” dream sequence privately!).
“Problem solved. For now.” That’s something to keep an eye on. The conversation and communication between the two of you was a great way to get the ball rolling, however I feel like the “solutions,” that were offered may open up a new set of issues or concerns.
I can’t pick up the poop; I’ll pick up the poop
I cant get up at 3am; I’ll get up
Let’s rotate; I’ll start today
See the pattern? In offering a definite “solution” to each of your concerns, it has the potential to set up more concerns (possibly arguments down the line).
Two weeks later when you’re having “that day,” everything seems to be going wrong and you step in it again in your new shoes, who’s fault is it now? What about the next 3am where a punch to the arm doesn’t work?
Now it’s no longer a puppy issue – it’s a matter of consideration, respect, expectations, and promises.
I know your husband has honest and noble intentions and is trying to do the right thing. My advice would be to get more in depth in your discussions. You started to do this initially (I can’t get up because it will affect my writing, I don’t have time to scoop the poop, etc.). Your concerns are very valid.
My belief is that situations like this work best if the focus is centered around “How can WE solve this,” or “Let’s figure out a way to care for this puppy…” Make it a puppy issue, not a people issue.
Making it a joint and family effort lets the lapses, mistakes, and flat out forgetfulness play less of a role in the overall picture. “We’re all in this together – for us,” works very well.
Jason Anthony´s last [type] ..The Puzzle of Compatibility
I love that you share your battles with resentment and anger with us, Alisa. HEA Supporter is so right about the need to ask directly for what we want. To take it one step further, along the same lines Jason proposed, you might get even better results with any disagreement if you try Stephen Covey’s Third Alternative, i.e., a solution you both own and like.
A Third Alternative is one that pleases each of you as much as your initial solution. You find it by first letting go of the first two alternatives. They are each just one of many means to some end. The means might conflict, but the ends seldom do. Figure out what the two ends are, and you have specs for a solution you two can find together by brainstorming until one excites both of you.
His: Leave the poop in the yard until it poses a problem for me (which will take a whole lot longer if the dog’s whining never wakes him enough to go out in the yard half asleep), then clean it up.
Yours: Train him to clean up after his puppy more frequently and reduce the time I must spend in the yard in the dark.
Specs: I don’t need lights to point out the land mines in the yard. I can roll over and go back to sleep at least 3 to 4 nights a week if the dog makes noise. He avoids daily poop pickup, poop nagging, and sleeping with an ear cocked for the dog he does not currently notice at 3 am.
Third Alternatives:
Note: it often pays to start with the far-fetched.
- Teach the dog to use the toilet.
- Lock the dog in a poop-proof room when you go to bed.
- Buy a gadget that makes poop cleanup more enticing for your daughter.
- Buy a pet that eats dog poop.
- Entice a neighbor to pick up the poop, perhaps by offering a free bicycle when the barrel is full (and burying any you folks pick up in the garden).
- Stick a glow-in-the-dark pennant in each turd, so it’s easier for him to assess the need when he comes home after dark.
- Stick a Beggin’ Strip on your husband’s ear when the dog wakes you, to change the wake up call into one that does not always wake you first.
- Set an under-the-pillow alarm under your pillow one night, his the next, for 2:50 am.
- Offer incentives to the dog to head for one corner of the back of the yard to poop.
- Etc.
What I love about Third Alternatives is that you get to give your husband what he wants AND get what you want at the same time.
Patty Newbold´s last [type] ..Why You Need a Relationship or Two on the Side
So glad to hear about this resolution! I didn’t comment on your previous post, because it sounded like a miserable situation and I didn’t feel I had any good suggestions. But I’m really glad to hear that your husband started cleaning up after the dog. Obviously, there’s more than one way to handle things, but it sounds like everyone feels better about it now.
Susan´s last [type] ..May I Pick Your Brain? The Classic Freelance Quandary
I’m glad it’s worked out.
My new puppy got a name change today. It went from Coco to Houdini. She broke out of the crate and ate hubby’s slippers. I’m so glad she did NOT like my brand new sneakers. I would have been very, very sad. (I wore my old sneakers to the dog park a couple of weeks ago and got dog poop on them – hint, only wear your old shoes into the back yard, even if the poop is getting scooped.)
I have to write a story about how my older dog (now 3 1/2) helped me to become a better person.
Kathy–I’ve spent way too much time wondering why dogs love slippers so much. Perhaps for the same reasons people do?
Thank you for rescuing the puppy. And for speaking out for all of them
Everyone says you should NEVER get a pet expecting that a child is going to follow through on their promises to take care of them. Husbands too, apparently.
That is so funny and true. Especially the husbands part.
If your children are old enough (including hubby) then they should follow through.
Oh but I’m so encouraged that you got the puppy. We told the kids once the twins were potty trained we would consider it. They are turning 13 next month and I just cant bring myself to do it! THIRTEEN. In my heart I think we were meant to rescue a greyhound, and I just let the months and years pass by thinking we just travel way too much.
Gina Parris´s last [type] ..Need to Save Your Marriage from Distress?
Gina– you still have time! Greyhounds can be hard in the beginning because they are sometimes traumatized and need a lot of love. But they are usually completely housebroken when you get them. They also rarely if ever chew up everything in your house. They are huge snugglers, don’t bark much, and basically just want to be petted all the time. They don’t even pull on the leash when you walk them. They are the most perfect dogs if you like and want a serene dog. If you find a really good boarder or dog sitter, the travel will be okay.
I love your reply here Alisa! You know your dogs and this makes me absolutely crave for a Greyhound! I’ve had German Shepherds for over 20 years but I think that I’m moving toward my next dog being “serene”.
What breed is your puppy???
We use Hill’s diet- don’t know if you get it in US. It have little dry faeces from our dogs. So maybe changing the dog’s diet is another solution?
Marié´s last [type] ..All holidays come to an end
Hi Marie– Thanks for the tip. I really need to look into this because the puppy poops 8 times a day. This CAN’T be normal. I’m taking her to the vet today just to rule out things like worms.
Here’s a link to info about dog food and poop.
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/care/corndogfood.htm
(this is my friend’s website)
A healthy digestive system poops more than an unhealthy digestive system.
Our puppy is seven months old and life with him is getting better, bit by bit, everyday. The whole family is chipping in with the puppy chores too. As a matter of fact, just yesterday our 15 year old son de-pooped the yard without being told to… hallelujah! We made it clear that everyone needed to help out with the dog and it’s working so far. It’s like relationships, if one person is doing all the work the other person doesn’t have to do anything.
Glad you worked it out…
My husband and I decided to adopt a Minature Pinscher from the shelter about a year and a half ago. We named her Judea. And let me tell you, she has changed our lives forever. After getting to know her, we discovered that we had adopted a dog that had severe seperation anxiety, is a master escape artist, and I believe with all my heart she has OCD. We love her just the same. But, her problems have forced my husband and I to work together to find solutions, we have had to actually sit and do research, bounce ideas off one another to see what we thought would help her out. And I have seen sides of my husband I don’t think I would have seen otherwise, I love to sit and watch him have a full blown conversation with this 20 pound dog. He speaks for her as well, of course. I think you did the right thing and went about solving the issues around the dog the right way! I commend you. Because these issues, which were turning into something negative, were directed in a more positive path. And this brought you together as a family. Would this have happened another way, if it wasn’t for the dog? I know for a fact there are things my husband and I have dealt with, bonds and memories that have been created, simply becuase of our Minature Pinscher. I am so glad she is in our life, despite all the drama and frustrations. She is definitely worth it all.
If it makes you feel ANY better or helps to alleviate some of your frustration, I can remember when my little dog was just a tiny little fluffy ball of auburn hair attached to a scrawny body of a pup. She was sooooo cute back then and had nothing but love (and a lot of pee) for everyone. I adore her now and think of her back then, and think about how pooping and peeing in the house made me hate her for quite some time. Now, we don’t even live in that rental house anymore, and I even if we did, we’d probably have gotten new carpets by now. I wish I would’ve enjoyed her puppy-ness a little more, and focused less on the peeing in the house frustration.
I’m glad you were able to work it out. I’m one of the ones who said you needed to spell out your wishes/expectations and have a very clear talk about responsibilities – I know this is usually an issue because it’s usually MY issue too. Eventually I realize it’s not fair to resent him for not doing something that he didn’t know I wanted him to do. But it’s still an ongoing problem and I wish I could find someway to remind myself of what to do before it gets to that point.
Glad this worked out for all involved, Alisa, for now. But, like some of the other posters, I smell (haha) an undercurrent of a recurring problem that will not be tamed with this one episode. This was certainly an excellent way to start, but I stand by my suggestion post on part 1 of the story — about taking inventory of the regular chores, their frequency, their estimated time to complete, and their assignments/rotations. This sounds awfully OCD, I know, however, also as other posters have pointed out, often times the interpretation of expectations varies widely — and is crazy making for the one feeling shorted or put upon, while the others blissfully and ignorantly go about their business not even aware of the suffering.
It also lays out exactly what goes on and who does what, so there is no ambiguity whose “turn” it is to do this or that, or when a thing needs to be done next. It is also a perfect excuse to practice a more in-depth family council working session where everyone learns what’s involved in running the “business” (of your home life) and how to work together to get it done; all while having some say in how that happens or in offering creative solutions, rather than having orders barked at them without any input or empowerment in the matter.
No matter how you approach that, I hope it works out for all of you.
Hi Linda– I have a doberman and a beagle/bulldog mix now. But my parents adopted a greyhound years ago which is why I am familiar with the breed. They are more like cats than dogs!