The guy on the phone was giving me a lecture. It went on for a good five minutes. The short version: I was a bad parent who was raising my kid to be a quitter.
As the lecture went on, I could feel myself bracing for battle. There was that familiar heat coming to my face. The palm that wasn’t holding the phone was balled into a fist. Counter arguments swirled in my mind.
I took a deep breath in anticipation of unleashing a long string of verbal insults.
I let it out slowly and reminded myself that my goal was not to make this guy believe that I was a good mother. My goal was to get him off the phone so I could get on with the rest of my day.
He went on. I waited.
Finally he reached the end of what he had to say. Rather than supply him with reams of evidence in support of my parenting tactics, I simply said two lines, “That’s all well and good, but my daughter still won’t be coming back to karate and I would like you to stop charging my credit card.”
That’s when he told me what I wanted: how to get him to stop charging my card for classes my kid was not going to take.
While on the phone that day, I could have gone into counter attack mode. For instance, I could have told the guy that calling my kid a quitter made me realize that he didn’t know my kid at all. For instance, did he know that my kid was one of only two kids in her grade in the gifted program? Did he know that, in just two years of school, she’d already won four academic and behavior awards? Did he know that everyone around my kid—ranging from teachers to coaches to other parents—thought she was well behaved, smart, and disciplined?
You might think that I would have been justified in saying all of that. You might think that I did myself a disservice by not voicing any of this. I do not believe this to be true. Here’s why. Had I gone on the counter attack, here’s what surely would have happened: The phone call would have been twice as long, I would have gotten really angry, he would have argued back, and I would have lost sight of my goal. Chances are, the call would have ended and I would have thought, “Crap, he’s still charging my card!” And then I would have been too angry to get anything else done that day.
It occurred to me that this happens in marriage all the time. We lose sight of our goal and a fight erupts as a result. Here are 9 signs that you’ve lost sight of your goal
- You are doing or saying something “for the principle of the matter.”
- You are going to win this one if it’s the last thing you do.
- You want your spouse to know that you are smart.
- You want your spouse to know that you think he or she is an idiot.
- You want your spouse to feel so very sorry.
- You want your spouse to feel the emotional pain he or she deserves.
- You are going to get in the last word.
- You are going to teach your spouse who is boss.
- You’re so angry you can’t think straight.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not telling you to shut up and pretend that everything is honky dory when it’s not. I’m not suggesting you become a doormat, and I’m not saying you should suffer in silence.
I am saying that many of us (myself included) express ourselves in ways that get us farther from our goals rather than closer to them. The guy at the karate studio did that with me. His goal was to talk me out of quitting his karate program, but he let his ego get in the way of his goal. By telling me that I was a bad parent who was raising my kid to be a quitter, he accomplished the opposite of what he wanted. He completely convinced me that quitting was the right decision.
Ego is often what gets in the way of our marriage goals, too. It all might start with a nice discussion about how you plan to divvy up the household tasks. Before you know it, your ego is bruised and you are bruising your spouse’s ego right back. By the end of the discussion, you both feel terrible and you are not one bit closer to splitting up the household tasks.
Here are a few ways to keep your ego in check so you can stay focused on your goal:
- Know what you want out of a discussion before you ever open your mouth.
- State your goal at the beginning of the conversation. For example, you might say, “I would like to work together to find a way to reduce the stress I feel in the evenings.”
- Whenever you feel a strong urge to open your mouth, ask yourself, “Is this going to get me closer to my goal?”
- Have a mantra that you can say to yourself over and over again. Use it especially when you feel the urge to stick up for your ego. Mine is “listen, listen, listen.” Yours might be “that’s not helpful” or “that’s my ego talking.”
- If the conversation falls apart, end it by saying, “I don’t think we’re getting any closer to our goal. I’m afraid we’re both going to say hurtful things that we’re both going to regret later. Maybe we should take a time out. What do you think?”
How does your ego get between you and what you want? Are there times when sticking up for your ego should be your goal? What are some ways you’ve successfully stayed focused on your goal and kept your ego in check?
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
When I find myself in that rut, I usually call for a ‘Reboot’ – where we both shut down and restart. Sometimes a Reboot works the first time. Other times, it takes a few tries – but it’s a good way to get us both to pause for a minute.
I came home from a trip to Boston today and discovered the computer was not working. I could not get it to work. My husband, the last to use it, had not turned it off the way we usually do. I have no idea what he did, and he could not describe it to me. I was supremely irritated. But, I did not scold or yell or scream. Instead, I called for help. First from my son, who was unavailable, then from Apple. Soon the problem was figured out. We did have an uncomfortable moment, but it did not last. I like to think that your advice in this blog makes me interact with more restraint when problems do arise in my marriage. My husband is also pretty easy-going. But, still. Reading what you write here does influence my behavior.
Alexandra´s last [type] ..Why I Dislike November …
Another fantastic article, as always!
This could not have come at a better time… it’s seriously divine intervention. My husband and I have been arguing because I’m just SO overwhelmed and stressed out in the evening. I’ve been cranky and blaming him and approaching the whole thing the wrong way. I thank you SO MUCH for posting this today, of all days. Even your example of how to state the goal at the beginning of the conversation fits perfectly.
Nicole´s last [type] ..Blessings: Day 5-8
Thanks so much for this. As always, the key is in the presentation and following the adage, “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Identify what you want and then ask if what you are about to do is going to get it for you. If not, think of a different way. The choice is always ours. A great way is to turn a complaint into a specific request for a desired behavior. Makes you get clear about what you really want.
@ wanting your spouse (or anyone) to feel pain: I cannot say I haven’t been there before, but I’ve come to believe that actually wanting another human being to feel pain and/or suffer because they’ve done something “to us” is about the greatest example of immaturity I can think of. Again, I’ve been there before, so I’m not judging. I can just say that now, I don’t ever wish pain (of any kind) on another.
@ having to win: yep, used to do this too. But now, in healthier relationships, I’ve realized that if someone has to win, someone has to lose and that’s not fair. I like “winning,” don’t get me wrong. I have no problem believing I’m “right” about any given topic. That being said, I no longer feel the need to force my “right” down someone’s throat or “prove them wrong.” But I’ve been there and it’s hard.
@ having the last word: the single biggest relationship (across the board) mistake I’ve ever made. I always, always had to have the last word until I got divorced. And I’m well aware that it’s one of the reasons I am divorced. I still like having the last word, but I no longer have to. I’d rather have peace and understanding, or an agreement to agree to disagree.
@ being so angry you can’t see straight: honestly, anger was a big problem in my marriage and it ultimately harmed my marriage. I’d like to chalk a lot of it up to us both being younger, but then again, it’s more about an inability to speak honestly. It is odd how your spouse can make you angrier than any one else on Earth. Anger isn’t always a bad thing, if controlled and expressed appropiately, it can be a great catalyst for change. But it can also bring about disease (dis-ease) and bitterness. Laying the anger down is so important in life.
@ knowing what you want before you speak to someone: so absolutely true! I’m working on this in my life right now. I’m open to the natural flow of people and conversations, but if I’m looking for something to be resolved between myself and another person, I like having a goal in mind. I like knowing what I want out of the conversation, ahead of time, that way I can stay calmer and get my point across sooner. Short and sweet really is best when it comes to resolving issues or conflicts. That’s just my opinion.
@ a mantra: I use different ones, my biggest one is “I am peace.” I repeat that over and over again. I also use empathy and the whole “you’re not them, you have no right to define their reality or experience. just listen. put yourself in their shoes.” Something along the lines of those two at least.
This is an absolutely outstanding post with so much helpful and useful information! Thank you, Alisa!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
The way I get myself out of negative thinking and stay on goal is by putting negative thoughts that aren’t on point out of my mind. I also start thinking about all the great things my husband does so that I stay focused on the goal and not anything about him.
Stephanie @ Kick-Ass Wife´s last [type] ..How the Television Stole Life: Update
Great write up. It’s easy for the ego to get in the way. Self-interest is a part of human behavior, but selfishness is a losing quality to have (especially in relationships).
I think the best way to stay on point is to focus the discussion around the – problem – not the person. It welcomes a team-approach by avoiding pointing the finger pointing or blaming.
So smart, as always. If i could remember just half of these tips and my life would be so much more peaceful!
Although I am not married but just starting a new relationship I still love reading this blog and I can attest that because of a handful of signs listed above that says i’ve lost sight of the relationship listed intermixed with my ego, pride and stubborness I nearly lost a great guy. i broke up with my bf because it was a ‘principle of the matter’, I wanted to appear smart, to win, and get in the last word and I was going to be triumphant and win this matter with my final say by ending the relationship. It was the biggest regret of my life and as a result I tossed aside my pride and ego and humbly asked him to give us another chance. It was painful for me to apologize because I was intent on being right and winning but in the end I’m glad I apologized because we are happily back together and I allowed myself to grow and be vulnerable by admitting I was wrong.
Whew, this will take discipline. I need Mr. Miyagi!
IAAMM´s last [type] ..Bruised Ego
Your advise is hard to follow. I usually burst right away when i want to say something or if i want my partner to know what i wanted her to know right away. Long conversations isn’t really my type but i understand that it will slowly tear our relationship apart. I will try my best to at least follow some of your tips.
Vernon´s last [type] ..how to pick up women
Excellent article. I think it is also important to remain respectful during a fight, since disrespect leads to strained relationships and misunderstanding.