While visiting my friend Ruth Pennebaker in Austin, I toured the Harry Ransom Center at the University of Texas. It’s there where a number of very old and rare documents are housed, including a Bible printed off Gutenberg’s first printing press during the 1400s.
The center also houses some of the original works of Shakespeare, handwritten notes from the Bronte sisters, and the desks of many famous authors.
But what really got my attention was the rejection letter that Mr. Knopf – after which the famed publisher (now a part of Random House) is named – sent to Jack Kerouac about his novel On the Road. I think I’ve accurately committed it to memory: “I don’t dig this at all. It is not my bowl of tea. REJECT.”
Later that weekend, while at the Texas Book Festival, I had the opportunity to meet Laurence Wright, a staff writer for the New Yorker. Wright’s The Looming Tower won the Pulitzer, arguably the most prestigious award any writer can earn. Interestingly, the book was published by Knopf. Wright is also a past contributing editor at Rolling Stone, a successful screenwriter, and all around super star.
He earned yet another award this weekend and gave a talk when he accepted it. I perked up when he mentioned that he tried to write a novel many years ago and almost impoverished his family during the process. With a confident laugh, he admitted that he might not be the best novelist in the world.
I found his admission oddly comforting, and this gave me pause. I wondered: What’s wrong with me? What kind of person gets off on hearing about another person’s failure?
I realized that I found it comforting to hear about his and Kerouac’s failures because I felt like a failure myself. When I published Project: Happily Ever After earlier this year, I’d wanted several things to happen, but few of them did. I fell short of my own expectations. The book did not sell as I’d hoped it would. And, as Wright had done with his novel, I spent a lot of money trying to make that book a success. Months after publication, I didn’t have a bestseller, but I did have quite a bit of debt.
Therefore I did not fix my air conditioning when it broke this summer, and I have yet to replace the dishwasher that broke a few weeks ago. I’m a little worried that the fridge is going to go next. After all, if I put the cheese in the back, it freezes. If I put it in the front, it goes moldy overnight. That’s a bad sign, I think.
At any rate, this all led to me feeling like a failure. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t a failure. For instance, I reminded myself that failures don’t get themselves on the TODAY Show, and they don’t successfully launch 120-site virtual tours, either.
The self-pep talk did help.
It also helped that I began to look at Project: Happily Ever After as a gift rather than as a product. Rather than make it my goal to sell copies, I mentally switched over to giving away copies at my own expense. That has been gratifying.
But realizing that other writers were failures, too? Especially writers who I considered to be great successes? That helped more than anything.
Seeing Kerouac’s rejection letter and hearing Wright’s story made me see this: The road to success is paved with one failure after another. I can obsess about my failures and use them to destroy my self-confidence. Or I can learn from them and use them to get a little further down the road.
I’ve chosen to keep walking.
Just an interesting aside: I came home from Texas and found a royalty check in the mail. Apparently Project: Happily Ever After is selling a little better than I thought. Also, last week I added a donation page (click on the marriage advice tab to find it). In fewer than 7 days, 10 people donated more than $50 to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. That made me feel like a success.
Note: If you decide to donate, know that there is a lag between your donation going through and you getting your free ebook as a gift. That’s because I send the ebooks myself and I’m not always sitting at my computer.
Note 2: I’m way behind on mailing Dangerous Instincts to the various people who won copies. I have not forgotten about you all! I’ve just been traveling. I hope to finish mailing books by the end of next week.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Success and failure are tricky topics. I know I’ve sold a lot less books than you have and my feelings go in and out of failure land, too. Yesterday I got an email from a teacher who works at a university tutoring kids who have learning disabilities and attentional problems. She suggested my book to a kid who was struggling academically. Long story short: she and the kid came up with several new strategies to help him study, ask for help, and discover new possibilities. She thanked me. I was really touched. Also, I’ve recommended your book to others who, after reading it, felt hope, found new ideas, and didn’t feel alone.
The problem is all the time-grabs on people’s attention. Americans have become less patient, less able to stick to one thing, like reading a whole book. You know the way movies are cut differently these days, like movie videos? And then there’s this recession. So many people are out of work. They are not going to go out and spend precious money on books. You did an excellent job with your memoir. You are certainly not a failure. Do you count success as the number of books sold or the beneficial effect Project Happily Ever After has had on the marriages of your readers?
Alexandra´s last [type] ..More on OWS and GMOs
Hi Alisa,
You are not a failure. I like your idea of looking at your book as a gift. Your writing is your service to humanity and your contribution to the future. If you even help to save one marriage your book is a success. If there are children involved also, just imagine how much good you have done. Carry it through the generations and just think of the impact your work can have on many people, now and in the future.
And for your new book, Dangerous Instincts, can you imagine the benefit you can have if you help just one person avoid a dangerous situation? I bought the book, and I see the scenarios described. To prevent just one of those scenarios from happening makes it all worth it.
I wish you financial success as well, because we all have to support ourselves in this world also, but I guarantee you, you are not a failure.
Anne
Anne´s last [type] ..Lehigh Gorge State Park, Glen Onoko Falls
I bought your book!
But thanks. As a writer I’m also familiar with the rejection stories of famous books and authors, but it is somehow comforting to hear how you feel that way after having published and even been on the Today Show. You are a success to me, but that doesn’t mean you are financially rolling in money and though I wish you were because I could keep holding onto my own similar fantasy, it is somehow a bit more comforting to learn that you are just as regular as the rest of us.
I can do it too. I can publish, and even sell well and still struggle to pay the bills. Part of me wants to be disappointed, but it actually makes me feel more real as a writer myself…that seems so weird.
I see you as successful. I imagine that most of us who follow your blog see you as successful–I mean why follow otherwise? Us following you means we find value in what you write. So congratulations opn being an almost starving artist!
Here’s another pep talk: I had never heard of Mr. Wright. I do know who you are, however (and, coincidentally, who Ruth Pennebaker is).
I passed along my copy of PHEA to a friend who is struggling in her marriage. I don’t know if it will inspire and enable her to repair her relationship with her husband, but I do know that you made her laugh. That, in itself, is something very valuable to a person in pain, and is a great accomplishment on your part. You should be proud.
Finally, you are a success simply by virtue of the fact that you continue to pursue the thing that you love even when the going gets hard. You are brave just to try. Not everyone does that; I never have. I like to think that writing is the thing that I am best at, yet it is not the thing that I do. I decided long ago, before I’d even tried, that it was too hard, too risky, too impractical. Perhaps you have thought that, too. Perhaps you sometimes still do. And yet you write anyway. I admire you for it. I am glad there are people like you in the world.
Feel better?
This really resonates with me: “I can obsess about my failures and use them to destroy my self-confidence. Or I can learn from them and use them to get a little further down the road.”
Alisa, you’re an inspiration and a success! I learned so much from reading your book. I bought two copies and plan to buy more to give them to friends as gifts.
Plus I just ordered Dangerous Instincts.
But whether you sell one copy or one hundred thousand, I am constantly in awe of what a good writer you are, how well you express yourself, and how you can convey complicated ideas to everyone.
I guess we all have our moments (debilitating awful moments) of self doubt. I’ve been there a bit too often lately.
Thank you for being courageous and sharing yours here.
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..Dealing With Halloween Candy
Ah, yes, I often feel like a failure, like I just don’t stack up. But then I look at my ex-husband, who totally gave up at life, and I feel like I’m leagues ahead. So, go me for not letting him drag me down! I definitely won in that regard.
Stephanie´s last [type] ..Baked Quinoa Pudding with Raisins
You are completely an inspiration to myself and other writers, so please remember that. Also, I don’t know a single successful person who doesn’t have moments of self-doubt, let alone failure. It happens, but of course, it’s always helpful to know that it really really does happen to each of us. So I totally understand why you found it comforting to hear about someone’s failure. I think putting a book out – especially one as powerfully personal as yours – is an amazing achievement! And, if you think of all the people you have reached and helped – there is no doubt it was very successful.
Alissa, Thanks for being so honest and open. I think every writer struggles with these feelings at various points in their careers. I wonder if, whether or not it’s conscious and deliberate, when we compare ourselves to others, we measure our success against theirs.
Personally, I think you’ve done amazing things with your career, much more than the average writer has done. Keep looking at that you HAVE accomplished, not what you have NOT. (At least, that’s what I try to do in my life.)
Alisa,
Carrie Newcomer has a song called Stones in the River with the line ‘the truth is, most of us will never know where our best intentions go — so I’ll drop another stone’
…into the river which may or may not , in the song, carry it out to sea as intended. true of your book and of the things you have done to get the word out about it too, I think.
as a writer who has several things awaiting funds for repair in my life at the moment, I get the part about the ac and the refirgerator too, though.
Kerry Dexter´s last [type] ..Harry Potter, imagination, and music
I think we all have these moments of self doubt. I think we all just have to stand back and remember what we think of as “success.” It’s comforting to ME that you also have these moments, as I view you as a huge success.
Living Large in our Little House´s last [type] ..Reflection on Happiness vs. Financial Security
Alisa, you are SO not a failure! It’s the economics of publishing that are failing. Anyway, I love your idea of thinking of the book as a gift. I know it’s been a huge help to many, many readers (it certainly was to me), but hopefully it was also a little bit of a gift to yourself, getting to write your story instead of ghosting or coauthoring someone elses. It’s so tough to balance the mercenary writing for other people with the kind of work we want to do for ourselves.
Susan´s last [type] ..In Defense of Passive Verbs
Alisa, you inspire me everyday. And you aren’t a failure-at least not to me.
I really needed to read this today. I heard a re-broadcast of an interview with Steve Jobs last week, this was before he returned to Apple and he’d been forced out–he was reflecting on his life and he talked about failure being something that teaches you how to improve the next time. He saw it as an opportunity rather than a drawback. Now if only I could get that to sink in.
Kristen´s last [type] ..Halloween recipe round-up
Hi Alisa,
I recently found your blog which led me to purchasing your book on my Kindle. I read it in less than 48 hours…laughed and cried. Your story was so relatable – and just knowing someone else understood was a tremendous gift! I’m now on “Step 2″ of your 10 Steps (at the end of your book) and just wanted to say that your book has helped me tremendously. I’ve already started telling my friends about it as we ALL could benefit from your honesty and experience. Thanks again – and I wish you the best in life, marriage, parenthood and in your writing career.
Sincerely,
Lindsey
Alissa,
The way you turned your marriage around is an inspiration too many who would just given up. You are definitely not a failure. I love what you said – I can obsess about my failures and use them to destroy my self-confidence. Or I can learn from them and use them to get a little further down the road.
Alisa, I’m blown away that you sometimes think of yourself as a failure. Look at all of the books that you’ve written or ghost-written. I’m inspired by your books, your website and the fact that you saved your marriage and then publicly shared the details. Project Happily Ever After may not have enjoyed record sales but think of all the people that you have helped. That’s success.
Donna Hull´s last [type] ..Saturday’s scene: Harley Dreaming
I have such fond memories of reading your book (last winter in Hawaii, of all places). And, I enjoy periodic trips to your blog. It kind of surprised me to read that you think of the book as a failure.
I think you were really brave to portray yourself so honestly, even in a sometimes unflattering light. I’m sure it’s helped many people, even if the numbers weren’t what you hoped for.
Quality over quantity!
You are not a failure. Publishing is hard work and just the fact that you got your book published makes it a success. Give it more time, your sales will grow because you have great information for people.
The voice of ego was the one telling you what a success you are in the first place…probably setting some unrealistic/impossible expectations so that way when you don’t and can’t meet those expectations, the voice of ego gets to call you a failure.
As a musician I can so relate to feeling like a failure at times. When my band released our first album & got our first reviews they ranged from awesome, these guys can seriously rock to don’t give up your day job…lol
Can you imagine how many people hear Bob Dylan & said no way this guy will ever make it? While I am not a huge fan of his singing I more than admire what he did & continues to do in his career. We all go through our down times & times of feeling like a failure. The secret is not to stay there.
YOU ROCK Alisa
Ron
We all know that you’re not a failure and that you’ve been quite successful in writing. Your biggest success, however, is your family. I personally define success as having healthy, happy, functioning relationships with those closest to us, including ourselves. And being at peace with ourselves at the end of every day. That’s success!
One of my favorite quotes ever, from a Garth Brooks song:
“Failure isn’t failure if a lesson from it’s learned.”
I always keep that mind and always will.
As long as we’re continuing to learn, we’re continuing to expand ourselves and help expand others.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz