Have you ever justified a lie by telling yourself that you did it to avoid hurting your spouse’s feelings?
Guilty.
In reality, however, I don’t think this is truly why most people (myself included) lie. It’s just an excuse, one that sounds good and that most people accept. But I’m not so sure it’s true.
Think about it. Are you really helping your spouse, for instance, by lying and saying that you are not attracted to someone that your spouse suspects you are attracted to? No. In the end, you are just hurting your spouse even more because your spouse already knows the truth, right? And by lying, you are saying, “I don’t think you are smart enough to figure this out.” Ouch. If you’ve ever been on the listening end of someone else’s lie, then you know just how much this hurts. It makes you feel oh so very insignificant, doesn’t it?
Now I’m not saying that you should reveal every single negative thought or emotion in your head. There’s a big difference between honesty and verbal diarrhea. But I am suggesting that you examine your motives whenever you are tempted to lie. What’s that lie really about? Is it about…
… You not knowing how to be the person you really are?
… You not knowing how to ask for what you want?
… You not knowing how to stand up for yourself?
… You not knowing how to give candid feedback?
… You being scared of your spouse’s reaction?
… You not knowing how to solve problems together and in a constructive way?
… You not knowing that your spouse will love you no matter what?
I invite you to think those questions over for a bit. Your first reaction will probably be that you don’t lie for any of those reasons and that you ONLY EVER lie to avoid hurting your spouse’s feelings. I think if you go ahead and examine various lies in detail, however, you will see that, more often than not, you do it out of a different motive entirely, one that you don’t particularly want to admit, not even to yourself.
Now telling the truth takes courage. It also takes a few skills. Here are a few pointers:
- Keep it short. The fewer sentences the better.
- Ditch the talk around. Skip the “I need to tell you something that you aren’t going to like” as well as the “you might want to sit down” and the “this isn’t going to be easy.” Just say it.
- If possible, work how important your spouse is to you into your delivery.
- If possible and warranted, work an apology into your delivery.
- As soon as you’ve gotten it off your chest, shut up. Resist the urge to keep talking in a failed attempt to make your spouse smile and feel happy about information that is anything but happiness producing.
- Don’t expect your spouse to accept the truth with open arms. Deliver the truth, then step back and let your spouse digest it in his or her own way. Be patient. This could take time—anywhere from a few minutes to a few weeks.
What follows are a few ways you can tactfully and succinctly tell the truth when you might otherwise be tempted to lie.
Situation #1: Your spouse is seriously getting on your nerves and asks, “What? Now you have a problem with me, do you?”
The truth: “I’m in a bad mood right now. That’s true. I love you and don’t want to hurt your feelings. As a result, it might be good for you to keep your distance.”
Situation #2: Your spouse just used one of the 17 fighting phrases and you are about ready to Bobbitt him.
The truth: Wow, I really feel hurt/on the defense/frustrated/like you think I’m stupid/like you don’t love me right now.
Situation #3: Your spouse asks, “Do I look okay in this outfit?” and she, um, doesn’t.
The truth: “You know I can’t keep my hands off you when you wear the _______ dress. Why don’t you wear that one instead? I like you in that one so much better. This one I’m not so keen on though.”
Situation #4: You just committed financial infidelity.
The truth: “Honey, I bought ________ today. I’m so sorry. I know we agreed on a budget and I blew it. I was really weak in that moment and I’m going to try harder, but I could use your help….”
Why do you lie? Is it always to protect your spouse’s feelings? Or are other motives at work? Are there times when you are sure that dishonesty is the best policy? Or do you think that honesty is always the best approach? In your mind, what’s the difference between honesty and verbal diarrhea? Discuss.
FOR MORE marriage advice, listen to the podcast of my interview with Ann Quasman of Woman Talk Live and Lori Hollander of Relationships Work.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! I think that looking into your real motives for anything is a good idea, and working to create better communication is always a great plan. Well said!
Good post. We make excuses when our actions are not in harmony with our values. We are lying to our spouses AND ourselves. Great thoughts, Alisa!
I have thought about this and decided I lie when I’m tired. I learned to lie in France. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say, but as a young American who had moved there and married a Frenchman, it seemed as if everyone lied, so I did, too. No more lying for menow. I’m back in the States and COMMUNICATION is the goal with my Swedish hubby. When I get tired, I find it’s easy to slip back into those little white lies I used to tell.
Alisa,
I do agree with what you said. But, I do think that you should also emphasize that there is much wisdom in the old adage–”The truth hurts”
Many years ago I was very seriously involved with a man and we were talking about marriage. He asked my about my “sexual history”, He did not like my truthful answer. He may have been looking for a 40 year old virgin. I was suprised at his response, thinking that he would value the truth and me for telling the truth. I was wrong. He was appalled. Obviously he wasn’t the right person for me. While telling the truth is the “right thing”, it may also be the “painful thing”. Truth tellers should be aware of that truth too.
Judy I agree wholeheartedly that he “wasn’t the right man for you”. But had you not told him you wouldn’t have discovered that. I personally had a REALLY checkered sexual past. I was a drummer in an 80′s Metal band & lived a pretty wild life. I am not proud of that part of my past & I am not that person now. I haven’t been for many years. But I felt it important for a potential to know about it.
Then she could decide if she could handle it. It would have come out sooner or latter. Most of my friends know & 3 of the musicians in my band were in that band. So I felt it best to disclose. She accepted it & had no problem. Had she not she would have been the wrong person for me.
Ron
I think honesty is always the best policy. I’ve been on the receiving end of a lie. And it makes me feel like crap to know that I’m not worth the truth. I don’t trust people easily and this is probably why…not many people prove me wrong. However, I think it takes some savviness to be honest. And I think the tips you shared above are great. Great blog. Thanks!
I am the worst liar, so as a result, I (almost) always tell the truth, since I know I’m gonna get caught lying anyway…
So many times the truth hurts, and then I wish I was a good liar. Can’t win! Maybe what I need is a way to tell the truth with a bit more…subtlety.
Sheryl and Judy–So true! Sometimes the truth does hurt and there’s no way around it. It’s inevitable and part of life, especially when two people want and expect two different things. I think it’s important to realize that lying doesn’t get rid of the hurt. It usually only delays it. Sometimes in life there’s really no way to avoid hurting other people. Like with Judy, that guy was really hurting himself. Your message and truth didn’t hurt him. He hurt himself with his unreasonable expectations. Other people will always let him down because he expects people to be divine rather than human, but that’s his problem to wrestle with, not yours.
Similarly there’s no magical way to tell someone that she has terminal cancer or that her child was killed in action. It will hurt no matter what.
Yet another ROCKIN post Alisa
I so much agree. The only time I can think of that lying would be acceptable would be in an abusive situation where the truth could get a spouse verbally or even worse physically abused. But that is not the norm for most people so honesty is soooooo much better. Like you say it is often in the way we approach it. The truth may not be received well but eventually it will come out. Now I am the first to admit there were times when maybe I would bend it a little. But that was stuff like the most hideous outfit in the world was met with “You look beautiful”. Not a total lie. I wasn’t talking about the outfit. She did look beautiful. Hey the couch is a really uncomfortable place…….lol I crack me up
Keep on Rockin
Ron
Oh & this post made me think of something funny, in a warped sort of way. Not that that is unusual for me..HA!! It also applies in the dating world & hopefully not in the married one….lol
Before I met my STBX I remember well being in the dating world & learning the hard way the big red flags to watch out for. Now it is not true in every case but when a date LOUDLY proclaims on the first date or two that “I HATE liers” my experience was that these were some of the biggest liers you will ever meet
Guess they are deflecting…..lol
Actually the same applies when any date on the first couple dates a person LOUDLY proclaims “I HATE cheaters”. or “I HATE Drama”. On that one some of them are some of the biggest drama people you will ever meet.
Think about it people who always seem to have drama going on do so for a reason. In truth very few people do the drama thing so what are the odds that ONE person keeps running into it with everybody they date?…lol As far as the “I hate cheaters thing it is possible that their last 4 boyfriends/husbands did all do that. But trust me YOU will have to pay the price for it…HA!!!
No offense meant here. It is just some funny stuff I learned in the dating world. Now I have to go through it all again in the future….ugggg….lol
Loved this … it is easy to find yourself saying something untrue, and a lot harder to find yourself admitting it. Thanks for sharing.
It reminds me of something we posted at our blog, the Art of Saying “I’m Sorry”: http://themarriageproject.blogspot.com/2011/04/art-of-good-apololgy-or-saying-sorry-in.html
This post was amazing for me!!! I have been married for three years to my first love in every way. Occasionally, I would feel attracted to other people, not to the point of sexual fantasies or anything, just attracted to personalities. I had never talked to him about it because I thought it was just my problem and if we didn’t talk about it I would just get over it.
After reading the first part of your post I really felt like I just needed to talk to my hubby and let him know. I was so scared because I read that it was normal to be attracted to other people, we are human, but still felt weird about it.
He was so great about it. He said right away that it was normal as long as we don’t dwell on it or put ourselves in situations that would put us at risk. I felt so much better getting it out there!
Thanks!