AKA
This Post Isn’t About What You Think
Help! I'm stuck in a beautiful pasture and I can't get out!
I took the picture that accompanies this post earlier this summer while I was on vacation in the mountains of Colorado. This cow (or possible bull? I really don’t know) is stuck. Her pasture is surrounded by electric fencing. Her future is certain. Eventually some of her will end up on someone’s dinner plate and the rest of her will end up in some dog’s bowl.
There’s nothing she can do about this. She could try to escape. But really, why bother? Cows can’t jump, and they can’t run very fast either.
You, on the other hand, are not like the cow in this photo. You are not being forced to stay in your current situation. Your future is not certain. Anything could happen because you have choices. You could stay in your marriage. You could leave it. Or you could attempt to change the system from within.
You are reading this blog because you are attempting to change the system from within.
Still, despite all of this, you probably still feel stuck and you might even feel a bit angry at me for telling you that you have choices. That’s understandable. All I can give you are two words. They are “been” and “there.” I once felt just as stuck, too.
I eventually learned, however, I was staying stuck in a bad marriage because I was resisting change. I was, as Albert Einstein once said, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Albert Einstein also said that we can’t “solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” It was only after I changed my thinking that I was able to change my marriage.
What follows are the types of thinking I had to change.
- You only notice what your spouse does wrong. I still do this occasionally. For instance, this Saturday, my husband did something and I thought, “Typical” quickly followed by “figures. He WOULD do that. He ALWAYS does this.” I had to stop myself and remind myself of all of the many things he does right—and that his behavior that morning actually wasn’t typical, not anymore anyway.
- You refuse to change your communication tactics. If you are a yeller, then you just keep yelling. If you are a sulker, then you keep doing that. If you are a silent-treatment-doller-outer, then that’s what you do. You keep communicating in this way even though it’s not working for you.
- You want to be understood, but you don’t try to understand. You want to be loved, but you don’t love. You want to be heard, but you don’t listen. I could go on. Life is a paradox. Many times what we most want is the very thing we often refuse to give. Give and you shall receive.
- It’s all about your issues and not your spouse’s issues. You want your spouse to take you seriously when you ask her to help you keep the house clean and orderly, but you don’t take her seriously when she says she wants more passion in the bedroom. To her, this issue is just as important as your issue. Until you see that, you will be stuck.
- You refuse to go out of your comfort zone. You might say, “I don’t do affection” or “I’m just not into giving compliments” or something else. But these are all skills, skills you can learn and become comfortable with. When you tell your partner, “I just don’t do _______,” what you are really saying is “You are not important enough for me to stretch out of my comfort zone.” That stings.
- You expect more than your spouse is capable of giving. The flipside of #5 is that some people really are only capable of so much change in a given amount of time. Sometimes acceptance is in order. Learn how to deal with the issues that matter most and to let the small stuff go.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
- The August Reader of the Month is donating her free pass to an Orlando theme park because she lives overseas and can’t use it. I will pick one commenter on this post randomly for that prize. When you comment, please mention whether you want to go to Orlando.
- I have a new co-authored book coming out in a few weeks. I wrote it with a retired FBI Profiler. Dangerous Instincts is an important book, one that I think everyone needs. Therefore you should absolutely preorder it of you know what’s good for you. I’ll be telling you more about this book closer to its release date.
- You can listen to my interview on Woman Talk Live here.
- You have until September 24 to win a free copy of the No Fight Divorce Book.
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not married anymore but in a steady relationship. I truly, truly, truly try to follow these tips. Its a matter of being a respectful spouse and giving the behavior, energy, feelings that you want to receive.
And if I can use those tickets at anytime, sure. Throw my hat into the ring.
-r
So true! I wish my husband would read this. He’s given up on our marriage and refuses to try to change. Even though I think we need to try to work on our marriage (we have 3 kids), he is going full steam ahead with a divorce. It’s very sad. And yes, I would love the pass for Orlando.
Shani,
I’m sorry to hear that. What is it about your husband’s behavior that he will not change? I’m only curious because usually the person seeking divorce is the one who “wants” change and the other person is being stubborn and inflexible. I’m not at all placing any blame on anyone. It sounds like you want to work things out and he has already moved on… does he not have any “feelings” left for you?
I’ve recently broken up with a man I’ve been living with for over two years. The talk in my head almost killed me till I finally gave up and asked him to leave. Now, I miss him. But I remember the anguish of the past two months and that keeps my romantic delusions at bay. I just did a screen shot of this post and I’m going to make it my wall paper for a while. We were both guilty of #1, #2, #3, #4, #5 and just for good measure, #6. WELL SAID.
I think I struggle the most with #6. I tend to be pretty adaptable so change is easier for me. My partner, however, is less so. He wants to please an tries hard to be better, but it’s more difficult for him an I have trouble being patient. Any tips on learning to be more accepting and even supportive during a slow change?
Katrina @veribatim
P.S. Orlando = yes please
I completely agree w/you Katrina. Patience is hard for me, especially when my spouse is unwilling to read things like this and I feel like I’m the one always complaining and he’s always the one saying he’s happy and he doesn’t understand why I’m not. I have gotten better at #1 and #2, but when I read #4 & 5, I was like, yep, that’s really him. I’ve been going to therapy by myself for about 2 years, he won’t go, and it is really hard feeling like the only one who tries to make it better. I guess I just have to keep being the change I wish to see in our marriage…. Any other advice would be helpful.
PS – I’m good on Orlando for now. Good luck to everyone else.
Ladies…
What kinds of changes are you trying to see in your men? Maybe there is a more direct way to get what you want.
For example.. telling your man that you want him to “be more romantic” is so vague and undefinable that that could literally mean anything to him. If you were thinking that he was going to bring you flowers and/or take you to dinner… it’s probably NOT going to happen like that.
Instead.. be very direct… in a non-nagging way… and say “I want you to plan a date for us THIS SATURDAY night that includes eating out AND a walk. I want you to make this happen in a way that works for you too.”
Then.. if somehow he “forgets” to make this date happen.. You call up one of your girlfriends and you spend your time eating and taking a walk with your friend. You don’t get mad.. you simply say “I’m going to have some girl time. You can try again next Saturday.”
Be open, honest, and direct.
Hope this helps..
David
As always, this is another great post. I pass on the passes this time around, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your devotion and dedication to helping the rest of us through our personal struggles and tough times.
With Regards,
Flynn
This is so helpful and encouraging, and it reminds me of William Glasser’s question(s) to couples: What does the marriage need? And what one thing can you do right now that you believe will make a positive contribution to the marriage? (paraphrase)
Those are 6 great points. The flip to that is that both partners need to be actively attempting to remedy these issues. One person can only do so much, especially if the other has given up.
I would love to go to Orlando. Btw
Great ideas about habits I need to develop. Would love the theme park tickets — will be in Orlando October 4 for vacation with husband and 4 kids!
I love that picture. It’s so perfect with this post! Made me laugh.
P.S. Going to pass on the theme park tickets. Good luck to the other commenters!
Yep, my husband tells me quite often that I stretch for everyone else. The kids and work receive more energy than I think I have. However, by the time I’m alone with him, I’m too tired and no energy to spare. I have to learn to dig down for the extra for him…
Eileen,
This is very common among most marriages. How well does your husband help you around the house and with the kids? And how old are your kids?
I assume when you say you have no energy to spare for him… you mean sexually. Now what I’m about to say might not be something you’ve ever heard before:
“Here’s what I’ve got to ask you…when you give your husband sex, what are you giving yourself?
This is the mistake that way too many women make…they do so many things for someone else…and they thereby DRAIN all the joy OUT of what would otherwise be a wonderful experience or event. By doing things for someone else, they transform it into something to feel resentful, bitter, and unappreciated about.
But, when a woman does something FOR HER SELF…AND to be a blessing to others…THEN, she can CAPTURE all the joy, pleasure, and satisfaction out of the experience or event that’s there just for her to get and enjoy. In this model, it doesn’t matter what other people (your husband) does or does not do because you’re doing the right things for YOU.
So, in the realm of sex, a woman should NOT “give her husband sex”. Instead, she should give HERSELF sex with her husband…she should enjoy sex for HERSELF while sharing in the experience WITH her husband.”
Eileen, you deserve to relax and enjoy life, your husband, and your children. MAKE time for yourself AND your husband at least twice a week. Don’t be surprised to find your husband giving you more of what you want.
As a side note… if your husband isn’t turning you on anymore… send him my way so I can straighten him up
Hope this helps…
David
I think that the two ones on your list that I struggle with are #1 and #5. I have developed pretty healthy thought patterns in my marriage, but every once in a while I am tempted to feel like I am doing everything myself and not notice the help my husband gives. Thankfully, I have gotten pretty good at catching it right away and switching my thoughts to being thankful instead!
For me going out of my comfort zone has to do with love language stuff. I have to purposefully stop what I am doing and spend some quality time with my spouse when he gets home. I would naturally keep doing my stuff, but it means a lot to him to have that attention and time.
BTW, I am looking forward to the Dangerous Instincts book! My husband just started his master’s degree in Criminal Justice, so this topic is of great interest to him (and me by proxy).
Thanks
I think so many relationship issues involve #3. At least, that’s what I’ve read from marital counselors and it seems very true.
Great Post Alisa,
Quite a few of these caused our downfall. It would be easy for me to blame it all on her but I have to accept my responsibility as well. Sadly she will not accept any at all. Even violating my absolute deal breakers. To this day I have never heard an I’m sorry because she truly isn’t.
I had commented here many times about people who say things such as “I love him/her but am not IN LOVE with him/her”. About how so many equate that early phase we all go through with being “in love”. Once that fades they just assume they have falling out of love. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I had married such a woman who does just that. But sadly I did & heard those very words.
That wasn’t what the deal breakers were that just came out latter. I would have to write a novel to explain everything that happened. Also despite everything I wont air her dirty laundry. I am even still taking care of all her medicals & errands. Several have called me a sucker & a sap for doing so. But I consider myself a man of character & can’t abandon somebody I once loved so deeply when they need me. BUT I can do that as a friend & don’t have to be a husband to do all of that.
I am rambling and making no sense I am sure. Hey nothing new for me there….lol But I am actually in a much better place than I was just a couple of weeks ago. I have strength I didn’t know I had. So life will go on even better than before. I feel relieved in many ways. I can also now have a life I couldn’t have for years. Oh I also had a date…lol Yea she knows & it was her idea. Tells you where her heart was though. Okay enough rambling.
YOU ROCK Alisa
Ron
#5 is an issue that many men suffer from. They have a very strong habit of saying “That’s just the way I am…” as if they can never learn anything new. The might say “You know I love you… I told you that on our wedding day!… why do insist on me saying it day after day!”
Or they shrug their shoulders and say “That’s how I was raised!”
Unfortunately… most men do not change unless they have a really good reason to change (I.E. their wife sleeping in another bedroom, or having an affair, or filing for divorce)
Ladies… the same thing happens on the other side when a man wants affection and intimacy with his wife… with the lights on… or in a different position… or he wants you to wear something sexy. When some men ask for this, they run smack into a brink wall. Inhibited… is the word I’m looking for.
Stepping out of your comfort zone (for both men and women) is how you two can GROW in an adult relationship. Men.. learn to lead the family so that everyone’s interests, wishes, and agendas get completed. Ladies… learn to access that intimate part of yourself who desires to share it with her husband.
If you are not growing towards each other… then you WILL be growing apart.
Hope this helps…
David
Hello
This is my first post…on any blog. I have seen and heard these tips before. There is no shortage of hoping and trying and wishing things would be better in our marrriage. A quick rundown of our history:
*engaged after 3 mos, married after 6
*closed on a house (fixer upper at that) and got pregnant within 1 month of marriage
*lived in a very tumultuous way for a couple years (couples counseling, of course)
*Separated in 2009 for 8 months (he had a gf for 5 of those months…clearly I am still bitter over that one; I bought a new house and he stayed in our 1st one; I dated someone for 3 weeks; then……..)
*Got back together, he moved into new house, had another baby
and did I mention fighting, fighting, fighting all along these 6 years
So now we have certainly grown apart, in fact I wonder if we had ever truly been together…
We are seeing a new counselor now (she teaches similar skills to your list) but very little has changed. I dont want to give up,, I truly do love him. Are some people just doomed even if they both want to be better? I need help to see that our marriage is something that we can both be happy in. And if not I wish I could see it sooner than later.
Sorry if this post really went no where… just needed to vent
Hi Disaster,
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. And it sounds like you’ve tried it all. But why don’t you just stop fighting. I know it sounds childish, like a 5 year old giving you advice. But think about it, just stop. Refuse to fight with him. Change the subject, tell him what you’re doing – it doesn’t matter. If you love him, then your life with him will be too short to live that way. I know it’s easy to say, but I’ve been there and I’ve done that. Just say ok, refuse to argue, yes even keep it inside sometimes. You would do it for a stranger, why not try it on him? I hope whatever you decide to do to save your marriage it works because when it’s good, there is nothing better.
Take care
Disaster Marriage,
My heart goes out to you. Your man has not yet learned how to meet a woman’s needs, and it shows in your words. Men are typically only taught one of two things growing up on how to relate to a woman. You have the ones that were taught to “Always be nice” …. and you have the ones that were taught “Women are objects to control”
Now.. I don’t know what kind of man you have because I don’t know who starts the fighting. If you have one of those “nice guys” you could find yourself being BORED at home, doing everything for him and for your children, and getting very little appreciation in return. Maybe he’s “safe” to be around because he brings an income and/or provides at a reasonable level… but you’re upset with him constantly because he DOESN’T meet your needs! Instead he is only interested in his hobbies and what he can get from you.
On the other hand… if you have the other type of man… you’re bending over backwards to make things perfect for him, because he’ll blow up in a fit of rage if something is out of alignment. You don’t feel “safe” around him, because you’re always worried he’s going to find fault in you somewhere.
Based on the fact that you’ve both been to counseling together… I would sense that you have the first type of man… the “nice guy” type that you can’t stand because he’s weak, repulsive, needy, and all the arguing in the world won’t get him to change… just like beating a dead horse.
So for you… I definitely would get yourself a copy of Alisa’s book. It will teach you how to handle such a man and create change in yourself AND in him. Outside of that, your man needs a mentor, a marriage coach (A MAN) who can show him how to meet a woman’s needs.
My wife took me to our bank last week to deal with some banking stuff. So I started working with the young lady there setting up new PC access. My wife had no clue what we were talking about – as I learned 3 hours later. I also learned that she was insanely jealous of the seeming rapport I had with the young lady there at the bank talking about user names, passwords, and other PC account access stuff. A day later she tells me she’s just not the cute little thing like she knows I want. But that’s just how it is. It really seems to me she has given up on herself. She DOES need to lose some weight…about 40 pounds or so….to be really healthy and feel good about herself. But she is stuck in this mindset that it is just not possible. She doesn’t work outside the home, but volunteers at the kids’ school, which is a high school. It really seems to me like she could spend an hour or so every day working on her fitness. Is that a ridiculous idea? I want a wife that is fit and trim but more importantly one that isn’t depressed about her self-image. I am really tired of trying to respond to her worn out excuses.
Let me edit my post, as reading it after the fact there is a mistake:
I should have put my wife’s words in quotes, like this:
A day later she tells me “she’s just not the cute little thing like she knows I want. But that’s just how it is.”
MPK,
A wife with low self esteem is a challenge no doubt about it. One of the things you can do is NOT give her compliments unless she does something to merit one.
For example: Saying her hair looks nice…when she hasn’t done anything different… is not going to inspire her much… If anything… she’ll know it’s a empty compliment and she can easily disqualify herself but saying “You’re Blind”.
Instead.. if she does to something to merit a compliment from you… don’t just state a fact as in “You look nice today”… instead… tell her what you like and be specific and tie it to a feeling… “I LIKE how that dress fits you and how it compliments your hair and makeup. When I see you like this I FEEL the way I did when we were dating….”
So it’s not her excuses you have to worry about… it’s giving her better compliments that she CANNOT disqualify herself with.
Thanks much David. I need to work on the compliments in general. I am an engineer so I deal almost completely with verifiable facts, not feelings. So having a happy relationship with my wife is a great challenge to me. It’s like I need to speak an entirely different language to her, but it is one in which I am not fluent at all. Sometimes I feel like I might as well be trying to speak Swahili or Arabic (neither of which I know anything about) to her.
My husband and I have been dealing with these issues for some time now, and it seems we are stuck in a rut. No one wants to give at all. With 4 children and 13 years on the line, my marriage is very important, but it feels like something is missing. I have brought up counseling, but he refuses. Which makes me feel like this relationship isn’t important enough for him to try.
I would love to visit Orlando
I know what you mean about counseling. I’ve been going alone to counseling for our marriage for almost two full years, and we’ve only been married just over three. It is hard to balance not feeling important to him, but I’ve decided to be the change I want to see in the marriage and be committed to that. My therapist has always said to give 100% and expect 0% back, which is hard, but it’s the way to go about it. Pick your battles, give the love you want to receive without expectation, and work on your own issues instead of pointing the finger at your spouse. I know that my marriage has and will continue to have it’s fair share of ups and downs, but I will stick with it and focus on the ups. I know it sounds cheesy, but think positive and make yourself happy first.
Hi everyone– Marissa is the lucky winner of the free pass. I’ll be giving away another one at the end of this week to the Sept reader of the month. To be in the running, all you have to do is comment a lot so you name gets into the “people who comment the most” widget to the right.
Hi Alisa
I am stuck in a marriage that is getting from bad to worse..
me and my wife shout, yell , hurl abuses at each other and I have come to a stage that I really feel that I should let her free, my piece of mind is totally trashed.
The 6 rules above seem like a mountain to climb.
I am lost and i dont think i will be ever able to find my way again…
truly
oscar
Oscar,
I can positively tell you that you are not alone in this. Marriage is about two IMPERFECT people giving freely to one another, but then selfishness, entitlement, and other non attractive behaviors begin to grow within one or both individuals.
You have to CREATE the kind of marriage you want. It’s not going to happen all by itself. It’s needs someone to begin the process of turning a bad marriage around into a new direction.
Oscar, this means YOU.
Why does it have to be you?
Because you are a man. I’m not being sexist or chauvinistic here.. the fact is that if you are not the one leading the marriage to that fulfilling, happy, affectionate, sexual place, then it is NOT going to happen. A woman is NOT attracted to, affectionate with, or sexual with a man she has to tell what to do!
Back in 2008 I was where you are sitting now. I had a wife that hated my guts! She built up years worth of resentment and unloaded it all on me. The following 3 months were HELL on earth. But then I started climbing mountains, learning the laws of attraction, I got a marriage mentor, and through reading, practice, and defining what my values are…I eventually turned my marriage around. I CHANGED myself first… and then I LED my wife to change the way she treated me.
Now it’s 2012 and I could not be happier. Love, Respect, Affection, and Intimacy are in our lives in abundance. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to take responsibility for your life. You must lead your wife and yourself to the happiness that you both want.
Hope this helps..
David
Thanks David
reading through your reply has given me a ray of hope, at least I know where to start from, now. This mountain I have to climb, to save what we got.
respect
oscar
I am so confused by all this, maybe because my situation is at the extreme, but all these tips seem to be about giving my partner a break in a way. But, I feel I’ve given him chance to change and I’ve tried to be understanding and give him time and yet I’m still not getting what I want. And by want, all I mean is to live with him and not have him cause anymore financial damage.
I married my husband in Dec 2010. I’ve still not seen him since the wedding. I’d gotten a job in the States, travelled back to the UK at Christmas to get married as he’d proposed to me just before I left for the States. After the wedding I came back to work and the plan was I would set up a home for us and buy everything we needed while he sort out his passport and visa. I’ve done my end and I’m still waiting, he has the paperwork from my end, all he has to do is book an interview at the embassy and book a flight… It took him over 6 months to get his passport because he dragged his feet. It was always a case of “i’ll do it next week”.
And, while I am understanding that it is difficult to relocate, I’m finding it difficult to continue to be understanding because I’m not getting the affection I need to maintain a long distance relationship. While I’ve been here I am yet to receive birthday, anniversary, christmas or valentine’s cards from him. He says he always intends to do lovely things, but he never plans ahead so nothing will reach me on time and then because he knows it’s going to be late he ends up not bothering. I’ve tried to show him how it’s done and try and keep him happy, I’ve sent cards, presents etc. All I’ve seen him do for the last year is drink away his savings and give excuses why he’s not come over here yet, not even for a visit. Now he tells me he’s scared about flying, before it was because he wanted to make sure he had enough savings… He’s even emptied my own bank account on a number of occassions. I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive. But, I think I’m stuck in a bad marriage for real and I don’t think your tips will help me out.
And I forgot to add, DO NOT SEND HIM ANY MONEY OR GIVE HIM ANY ACCESS TO YOUR ACCOUNTS! Change all of your banking and other financial accounts immediately! DO NOT LET HIM KNOW HOW TO GET ACCESS!
Dear beaker,
As a guy I can see that your husband has no intention of joining you. You are being used. Get out of that marriage as soon as you can!
I met my husband through a mutual friend. We were very attracted to each other. We dated for 9 months before he asked me to marry him. We got married 6 months later and had my daughter. That was 3 years ago. We fought every other day when we were dating over his ex-girlfriend, my then cat, my life choices, my habit. Over time, we fought every week, then every two weeks and then maybe once a month. It is very painful every time we fight. But we fought less. What has happened since was, my cat died, i no longer resent his ex girlfriend, I once helped her trim her front yard and we had had dinners together, she has stuff taking up precious space in my house, he continues to help her with things, she sends her parcels to my house. My life choices is whatever he chooses, whatever he is ok with. My habit is well, let’s just say I don’t brush my teeth the same way I brush my teeth.
Am I happy in my marriage? Sometimes. I feel like I have lost myself being with him. I enjoy time away from him because it allows me to breath. So I’m not complaining even though I work full time. I still have some of my own habits, I do it secretly. Freedom is available to me when he is not around.
Having said these, I must point out that my husband is a very nice man. He helps with the dishes, he cleans the house with me, he loves me and he supports my decision provided it is his decision as well. He also did change for me, he bought me flowers after we’ve been together for 4 years. He thinks flowers are a waste of money, I don’t disagree but it is nice to receive flowers.
But considering I’m googling for “stuck in a marriage”, I do feel like that. I must also mention that I am a little bit of a control freak and I feel that although I change for him, I’m still better off because he is stuck with a perfectionist. I feel that we are both stuck in a marriage, stuck with each other. We do not share the same hobbies, passions, taste for music or movies, sports. We are like totally different people who leads different live. But if I know anything about us, we are probably going to stuck in this marriage for the rest of our lives for the one common thing we have is that we do not want our kids to grow up in a broken family.
What I want to know is are there ways to cope with being stuck in a marriage, are there ways to still be truly happy. I may be the cow but until the day I end up in someone’s dinner plate, I would like to live a very happy and peaceful life.
Dear Suezie,
It is good that your husband is such a nice guy. Perhaps he is too nice though. There are times to say “no”. How would he respond if you were continuing to help an exboyfriend? If it bothers you that he continues to help his ex-girlfriend, you should let him know that and he should put some more distance in that old relationship, like ending it. His ex-gf needs to find another guy. There are plenty of them out there for her. That is not unreasonable, in this guy’s opinion. I can share the following story about myself. When I was dating my wife, one of the (very attractive) ladies at work asked me “out of the blue” (because we seldom spoke), if I could come to her house and attach the power cord to her new clothes dryer for her. I thought about it briefly and, valuing my relationship with my girlfriend, answered, “I’d better not.”. That was the last time that lady ever spoke to me, and a few months later she married some guy from California and moved out there. If I had gone to her house to help her like that, it would have definitely ended my relationship with my to-be wife. And I already knew there was no future for me with that lady, unless I didn’t care to have any kids as she was already slightly beyond her child-bearing years, although from a strictly male perspective it was fun to contemplate the possibilities with her. Sometimes people have to make the choice to leave the niceness to someone else in order to preserve their valued relationships.
Thank you MPK. You are right, my husband is such a nice guy that that’s what I think about all the time, he is such a nice guy, it’s not right for me to be a selfish bitch. Of course I know that if my husband still contacts his ex there is a chance that something might blossoms out of it but I wasn’t too worried because she is not in the country but she is coming back this year so I might actually have to figure out a way to convey my message without sounding like a control freak.
But that is not the reason I feel stuck in my marriage. it is the on and off feelings for each other. Some time i feel I can’t stand him and he feels the same and it is not a nice atmosphere. Most of the time the whole awkwardness just terminated by one of us going to sleep leaving the other to breath.
I am going away for a month with my daughter and I think it will be good for us. Distance should make the heart grows fonder.
Like everyone else here, I feel stuck. After 14 years of living together, we got married. It’s been almost 3 years since our wedding & I regret everyday of it. We haven’t had sex in about 10 years (yep, that’s right…he has “trouble”). Most recently, I Z a surprise party for his birthday, flew his uncle up from FL for the party, even booked a cruise as a gift. A month later-for my birthday, he did nothing. Not even a card. Barely a “happy birthday.” I tried not to make an issue about it, but it hurt. When I did finally say something, all he said was that he didn’t want anything for his birthday, that anything I did, I did for myself-not him. We fight all the time. No matter what I say, he takes it the wrong way & jumps down my throat. He’s never been physically abusive though, I’ll give him that credit. Sometimes I think that the only reason I stay is because I have no place to go. I moved away from my family to be with him. We’re absolutely financially dependent on one another. Our assets are jointly owned. Divorce now would be messy, complicated & expensive. Sometimes I think at this point, I may as well wait it out. He’s 50, has heart disease that he refuses to diet or exercise or cut back on drinking. At this rate, I may be widowed soon enough anyway. I should mention, we don’t have children together. He had a son from his first marriage & didn’t want anymore. I don’t have any children of my own. I’ve made my peace with that-at least I think I have…
I forgot to mention that he’s remained completely faithful; as have I. His “trouble” is related to his heart disease & new diabetes diagnosis.
Hi Eileen,
I have not been married for long and may not have any good advice to give but I too do a lot for my husband. I too feel that when my birthday comes, I do not get this big party throw for me, in fact if i want a party, I had to organize it, if I want a cake, I had to ask for it. What is the point right?
Anyway, I think the point is not about having a party thrown for me/you, but to feel that our man would make an effort for us. Some man sends flower, some man wash the dishes. When I read the book 5 love languages, it is quite clear that we all show our love and wants to receive love a little differently. See if you can get a copy of that book. Maybe he loves you in a different language.
As for fighting all the time, I guess, it takes two to fight. Sometimes when we bottle up disappointment and resentment and then voice it out later, it makes it worse. This works for me and you can try, scream out your dissatisfaction when he is not around, get it out, he doesn’t need to hear it, throw a tantrum, don’t make too much mess because you have to pack up later, so pillows are useful. And let it go, let everything that bothers you go. Then go indulge in something you like. You don’t need to tell him anything but when you feel good, you are no longer upset with him and you have avoided the fight.
Don’t give up. Divorce is not always the answer.