This morning my kid said, “Ew Mom! You stink! I’d rather smell dog food than smell you right now! Get away from me!”
What can I say? I’d had a mammogram the day before. In case you’ve never had a mammogram before, then it’s important for you to know that you’re not supposed to be wearing deodorant during such a procedure. I have no idea why. At any rate, I hadn’t worn any deodorant for a couple days. Then I didn’t exercise yesterday. That means I didn’t shower. And, well, there you have it. Just to appease her, I made a show of wiping my pits down and then applying deodorant. We both made a lot of jokes and laughed a bit. It was a fun parenting moment.
Had it been a marriage moment, however, I’m not sure if it would have been as fun. This is precisely the kind of issue, in fact, that can be quite difficult to talk about with a spouse, especially if your marriage is turbulent. Many spouses just don’t address such issues at all, and it’s my firm belief that this is why roughly 20 percent of women admit to faking orgasms. (They admit it on surveys, by the way, and not to their husbands). They don’t know how to break the news to their spouses that they are not satisfied in bed. So they choose to pretend.
Do you have any marital issues like this? Issues that you ignore or try to pretend aren’t really issues because you just don’t know how to bring them up? What are they?
Well, it might not work for every single dicey issue, but I do have a technique that will work for many of them. It’s this: phrase your request as a compliment. It can take some creativity, but you can definitely do it.
For instance, let’s say your spouse is a speed kisser. You want to slow the man down. But you worry you’ll hurt his feelings if you mention it. What to say?
Here are some ways you might want to say it:
* I love kissing you. I love it so much that it always goes too fast for me. Would you be amenable to working a “slow mo” (slow motion) kiss into our repertoire?
* I get so hot when we make out. I wish we made out more often and for a longer period of time. I just can’t get enough of it.
* I just can’t get enough of you and your mouth. Kissing you is the highlight of my day. What do you think about designating one night a week for intense necking? I would really love if you would agree to do that.
After he agrees, use compliments to help him form this new habit and keep the slow mo kisses coming. Use a combination of positive reinforcement (Oh, honey, that was the best kiss ever) and positive reminders (I really loved how you kissed me yesterday for such a long time. Could you do that again?)
Note: I’m not sure if this technique would work for body odor? What do you think? How do you bring up sensitive marital issues?
NOTE #2: For more marital communication advice, listen in to my interview on the Leah Jantzen Show on iTunes or on Toginet.
NOTE #3: I understand I’m quoted in the September Redbook. Check it out.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
First off, I’m glad to hear you had your mammogram, so important!
Secondly, I agree, that conversation might have gone differently had it been an adult. Kids are so honest, that’s what makes them so great (most of the time)!
I like your examples for asking to make out. I think framing the request in those kind of positive terms (almost sandwiching if you will), helps tremendously.
I would’ve never thought to put it that way, but it might have worked.
I have to say, I rarely, if ever, faked orgasms because I find it incredibly misleading. I just always thought “Would I want him to fake it?” The bedroom is supposed to be intimate and honest., Everyone should be satisfied, but it’s a very mutual thing.
Here’s how I see it: if a woman fakes an orgasm, than the guy thinks he’s done the “right” thing, when it was actually the wrong thing. He’ll keep doing the ‘wrong’ thing and then she has to fake it, every time, or tell him. Then we’ve not only blown his confidence by faking it, but also lying more than necessary. I think either party “faking it” just sets everyone up for confusion and leads to neither being fully satisfied. That’s just my opinion.
However, I DO know that SOMETIMES desperate times call for desperate measures. And there’s always exceptions to the rule.
I might get flogged for my opinion on this one, but oh well.
It will be interesting to see what others come up with here.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. I’m going on the premise that men really DO want to please their women. I honestly believe that most men want nothing more than satisfy their woman in bed. A lot of women don’t know what they want, or are afraid to ask for it, so sometimes, it doesn’t happen. But, I do think two people sharing that part of themselves with each other, especially for a LIFETIME, yeah, I would hope both people would want to please the other to no end!
Excellent post as always Alisa. Everything can come down to the words we choose & the way or tome of voice they are presented. There are some that wont take it well no matter how you phrase it. But most will. But I ran into this problem with my first wife. No mater how well worded & no matter the tone any sexual issues I tried to address with her would be met with tears & a cold shoulder for weeks.
It just got to the point of not being worth it. The end result: 16 years of bad sex. It had it’s mediocre times but that’s about as good as it got. Granted now a few of her problems were physical in nature & nothing could have been done anyway. But some were within her control. I tried addressing it as “what can I do to make it better for you”. But she was perfectly satisfied. It wasn’t until we divorced that I experienced good sex again. Very sad.
And Sara Liz, this may surprise you, me being a man and all, but I have faked it…..lol It was also with the first wife a few times. I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But it would start becoming painful for me. LONG story but I did that quite a few times. So YES men can fake it to. It doesn’t work with an hummer but you get my drift.
I crack me up
But point well taken. If you don’t want things to improve just keep quiet. That can lead to years of misery. I cant say the wife & I have this issue since there is no sex but that is a topic for another day. It was awesome until she got sick. But it cant be helped so here I sit…..lol
Keep on Rockin Girl
Ron
Great post! The other thing to remember is to be as receptive to ‘constructive criticism’ as you hope your spouse is. Both sides are uncomfortable, but if you make the effort on both sides, both you and your spouse have a much better chance of working through the issues.
Glad you had your mammo and hoping all turned out ok!
And glad you are able to turn a criticism into a more constructive statement; even a compliment. That is something I am NOT good with. (As a result, I can’t help you with the smelly pits. Sorry.)
Yes, how we say something is just as important as what we say, and if we want a positive result then it’s important to keep this in mind. Can empathise with Drummer Guy when he says that sometimes though it doesn’t matter how or what you say, it just won’t have a positive outcome, and after a while you figure it’s not worth it. Went through a fair bit of that with the old wife, and you do just think, stuff it, it’s better to just shut-up and put up with it!
I haven’t read your posts faithfully in a while. I kind of stopped when the ex-husband kicked my daughter and I out of the house and filed for divorce (I’m not fishing for any sympathy here, I am just using that as a fact to illustrate that I have been slightly preoccupied with getting my life and self back together) I am glad I decided to read today’s post though. This is a pretty great topic I think, an speaks personally to me.
I faked it. I faked it for the 4 years we dated, and three of the nearly four years we were married. When I came clean, his ego was so shattered that there was no recovering. Sara Liz – you are right, the lying started and there was no good way to stop it. It started when we were dating casually and I did not think that it mattered, since I wasn’t even considering settling down at the time….
Of course that was not the only thing that led to the end of that marriage, but I think that it was the biggest factor in driving his actions that followed in the year after.
I was distraught trying to find a way to tell the truth about faking it, and there is no good way once you have gotten so far into it. The trust between us was broken (in addition to an email affair that took place) and the thought that he had that my ability to orgasm “was the only reason I thought that we were meant to be together”
SO to get back on topic I think that there are HUGE issues that cannot be addressed by compliments. and are best avoided (like faking it) altogether. and there are smaller issues, like when some one has nasty morning breath, that can be addressed lovingly and with care.
I know that in my next relationship I will be straight forward and honest from the start. I have learned that there is too much involved in lying and keeping up a lie, and that it just is not worth the effort or the energy expended. I get a fresh start on this, so I am lucky in a way. Trying to back away from a lie, and start over with the truth is hard, and can really hurt your partner’s ego/pride/feelings/ ability to trust you.
When bringing up sensitive issues in the future, for me, I am going to try to be gentle and to the point….
@Marissa. I too am divorced. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to “try again,” and put to good use all that I learned in my marriage. I certainly learned a lot, or rather, I chose too. I am glad that you are getting back on your feet! Congratulations! I don’t encourage divorce, and still believe in marriage, but every situation is so personal, it’s different for everyone. Keeping up a lie is too much work, I agree. I also agree that not all issues can be solved with compliments, but some can.
@DrummerGuy Ron: I know men can fake it too. I’m sure some men do. But, mediocre sex, especially in a marriage where that commitment is supposed to be for a lifetime, years and years of mediocre sex is just sad. I think each of us is responsible for our own happiness in life, including sexual happiness. Certainly our partners/spouses can add to that happiness and be a willing participant in it, but ultimately, it’s up to us. I too went through the marriage where intimacy was almost non-existant and it was one of the straws that broke the camels back, as the saying goes. My heart goes out to you.
As far as big issues in a marriage being handled nicely? Like Marissa said, some can be and some can’t. But, I think spouses are often too quick to judge each other and hold each other in contempt. Alisa has written a lot on here about seeing your spouse in the best light possible, and I completely agree with her. If we can come from a place of gratitude for our spouse, than their shortcomings become less magnified and it’s much easier to approach “problems,” or issues with kindness. I certainly did not handle my issues with as much tact as I always could have. But, you live and learn.
I think marriage is a life-long study of love and life and self. One of the things I miss about marriage (not so much the one I was married too, but being married in general) is the constant reflection of how I was received and how I perceived myself. Marriage is a mirror like none other. And a beautiful one at that!
What it ultimately comes down to is two people being WILLING to work it out. It takes two. Sure, kindness is always the goal, but as long as resolutions are hoping to be found, than I think any marriage can work. If two people are both making an effort, (of any kind and willing to recognize that effort in each other) than all will work out.
My best friend just got married earlier this month and I could NOT be happier for her! She found a wonderful man and is so very happy! I gave her a copy of “Project Happily Ever After,” and have recommended many of the blog posts here. I have no doubt that their marriage will work, although I am only “as in,” on their marriage as my friend wants to me to be. It is their marriage and I fully respect that. They inspire me and give me hope that I too will find that again someday.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I have to admit I fake it. I’ve never had an orgasm, actually. I’ve thought about talking to my husband about it, but I’ve decided agains it for several reasons. 1. I think I am fairly uncomfortable with asking for what I want (and receiving). 2. I think it’s not his fault, since I’ve led him to believe everything is fine. 3. I don’t want this to become his “mission” and I don’t want to feel pressured or for him to get frustrated if it’s not happening. 4. We just had a baby and honestly, sex is VERY, VERY low on my priorities’ list. I concentrate now in satisfying him and making it through this first year.
However, I feel like I’m bouncing back, feeling better, and I’m thinking I’ll want to start working on this. My idea will be to focus on what we can do to make it better. I don’t think it will be necessary to tell him I’ve been faking it, but rather, to focus on exploring what pleases us. I still have work to do on feeling more comfortable with my body and with asking and receiving what I want, but I agree that sooner rather than later, this is something that we need to do together, and hopefully, it will leave us feeling closer together, more satisfied, and more honest.
Lilly please don’t take this wrong as in I’m not a troll….lol But the best place to start would be with yourself. Can you make yourself achieve orgasm?
Once you learn how to achieve one then you can teach the husband how. From there you can put Alisa’s sage advice to work & approach it in a way that he might now find threatening. I can only imagine it would be touchy though.
Before my wife & I met she had never had one in her life & she was in her 40′s. She was also to embarresed for self pleasure. It took a LOT of patience on my part & I nearly got lockjaw for a week…lol
But once I gave her her first one when rest were easy. Also once she was able to relax I got her a toy. I should have bought stock in Duracell batteries after that..LOL Her first husband was very self centered & just didn’t care if she had one or not. So a caring man will care. At least I know I did. But maybe a good place to start is by giving yourself one. Try not to get to frustrated if you can’t. A small % of women just cant no matter. Anyway I do hope things work out for you & the hubby.
Toodles
Ron