Marriage Challenge #7
The word “values” is often misused during arguments. For instance, if one person is angry at another person and trying to take that person down a peg, the angry person might yell, “You have no values!”
In reality, everyone has values, but not everyone has the same values. For instance, in my last post, I mentioned that some people don’t value monogamy. A couple people read this and assumed that I meant that people who don’t practice monogamy have no values. This is not true. They have values. Monogamy is not one of them.
Similarly, there are people in various spiritual traditions who value celibacy. People who value celibacy think it is important. Therefore they practice sexual self-control so they can remain celibate. People who do not value celibacy do not practice this self-control because it is not important to them.
Your values do not necessarily make you a good person or a bad person. They just make you who you are. Your values are what you hold dear. They are what you consider important. They drive your choices.
We become good at what we value. We practice self-control around what we value. We take good care of what we value.
Do you know what you value in your marriage? Do you know what your spouse values in your marriage? Have you ever talked about it?
These are my marital values—the qualities and actions I hold dear and believe are important to me having a happy marriage. I do not list them because I think you should adopt my values. I’m listing them to prompt you to think about your own values.
I value:
- Keeping my husband’s confidences.
- Addressing problems I’m having with my husband with my husband—and not with people who are not my husband.
- Sexual monogamy.
- My husband’s happiness.
- Honesty.
- Being open-minded—especially about differences of opinion and differences of value.
Most of these values require a great deal of self-control. For instance, there are plenty of times when I’m ticked off at my husband and am tempted to come here and write a post that roasts him. But I don’t. For those of you who are confused, go back and read various posts. You’ll see that about 99 percent of the time I only write about marital issues that we’ve resolved, and I usually take the blame for what went wrong. In other words, I don’t roast him. I roast myself. Of course, from time to time, I slip up and don’t have as much self-control as I’d like. That’s normal. I’m human. I look at these are learning opportunities that prompt me to grow and become better at self-control.
It’s important to know your values. It’s only once you know your values that you can practice them consistently. And it’s only once you practice them consistently that you will get better at exerting the self-control needed to remain true to your values.
What are your marital values? What do you hold dear? What aren’t your marital values? Assuming you and your spouse are on the same page, there are no wrong answers.
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
“A couple people read this and assumed that I meant that people who don’t practice monogamy have no values.”
You’re assuming that that’s what we thought!
My problem was with the characterization that people who are not monogamous lack self-control.
In my marriage, I value honesty, mutual respect, and being considerate of one another. And that ends up covering a whole lot of other stuff, too!
In my marriage I value
1. The fact that my husband supports the choices I make and how to accomplish them – how utterly freeing this is
2. The fact that my husband cares about how I feel as much as I care about he feels.
3. Utmost honesty in our communications. I love that I feel safe to say how I feel and not worry about jeopardizing my relationship. Its important to focus on the feelings.
4. Our 24 hour rule. If something is bugging you, spit it out within 24 hours. Anything more than that builds resentment. Because we both agreed to this we have gotten good at sensing when there is an issue.
5. We respect each others needs for privacy and re-energizing ourselves. This frees up our energy to focus on each other once we take care of ourselves.
In my marriage it pretty much comes down to one word…. commitment. It is that value that helps everything else fall into place. When we have commitment we will always try to do what is right for our spouse. If we are commited to their each others well being then each is getting what they need for a happy fulfilling marriage. That makes fedelity, honesty, companionship & the other things we value easy.
You ROCK Alisa
Ron
Hi Alisa
What happens if your values and your partner’s values are not aligned, e.g. if you value monogamy and he doesn’t?
Sage
Sage -
My wife and I just went through something like this recently. I have a pretty firm belief that men and women cannot be very close friends without some form of sexual tension. I know that a lot of people agree with me and some don’t, but ultimately I believe a person in a committed relationship should not have a very close relationship with someone from the opposite sex. My wife on the other-hand doesn’t feel the same and it became apparent when she started a new friendship that quickly became very close.
It came to a head when she mistakenly sent me a text intended for him about a conversation we just had on the phone. It shared information that I assumed, incorrectly, was private. I called her immediately and we had a short fight on the phone and then a couple long fights for the next week. She promised to keep the relationship with this guy to just work and very casual and a week later something else would pop up and we would fight all over again (generally because of my new found oversensitive to the issue of their friendship – read some insecurity too)
It finally came to a head and I had to sit down and decide if this issue was going to end my marriage. And I do believe it could have, but I went through all the things I love about her and our family and decided that if she was unwilling to change then it would have to come from me. I mourned for the fact that my wife isn’t the person I thought she was (both in values and in willingness to compromise) and let it go. I told her such and said that the only thing I can do is let it go and support her in her relationships. But I did warn her that she was walking a very fine line and forced her to look at what she was risking.
She final owns up to not holding my confidences in our marriage and has corrected that. She also acknowledged what she is doing and what she is risking. She believes it she is more evolved and can handle the risk. I don’t see the point of risking your marriage on something like this… but I have moved on… not saying I’m friends with this guy, but my wife isn’t friends with all my friends either and that’s okay.
So to really answer your question – if your values do not align with your partners, soemething has to change and values are VERY difficult to change once they have been established. Either you, your partner, or both of you have to find something you can be comfortable with or it might be best for you to find someone different.
Here our my list of values:
-Keeping my wife’s trust and confidences
-Sexual and emotional monogamy
-My wife’s happiness
-Honesty (notice happiness comes first – “Don’t worry about it… I LOVE rubbing your feet”)
-Supporting her through thick and thin (including poor health)
-Giving us both room to grow
-Making sure my wife is always proud of me and my actions
-Fighting fair, even when you don’t want to
-Prioritize – Self, Wife, Core Family, Ext. Family, Friends, others… It used to be Wife then Self, but I’m learning I have to make sure I’m happy first before I can make others happy.
Thanks Zap,
Our relationship is such that I, like you have compromised my values. Actually we both compromise and that’s part of what makes relationships so good for us and helps us to grow I think.
Dear Sage– I am so sorry I could not respond sooner. I do agree with you that the “just leave him” is overly simplified and not reasonable advice. I’m reading from your comment that you have decided to stick this out. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t have a magic formula to get him to change. If I did I’d be a millionaire! Chances are that he probably won’t change and become monogamous. That said maybe there are ways to get your needs met. If I were in your situation, I think I would ponder what precisely bothers me about the arrangement. For instance, is it that I feel threatened? Envious? Lonely? Is it that I don’t want to be alone on specific nights or for specific events? Is it because there are times I need closeness and he’s not there for me? Etc etc. I would figure out what lies behind the hurt/anger to see if there are other ways of solving those issues. If he will not become monogamous, maybe there’s a way for him to make you feel more secure, less lonely, etc. I wish you the best. It sounds like a very hard situation.
Hi Alisa
Thanks for your response. I knew that my partner had a long distance love when I got into the relationship with him. I had come from a bad marriage where we had both cheated and I didn’t think monogamy was important to me. I found out very quickly however that in a good, healthy and loving relationship I do indeed value monogamy.
My partner is wonderful and his relationship with his SO is emotional. They cuddle and kiss but that’s as far as the intimacy goes. ALthough he would like more she will not go there. Her and I have a good relationship, although I wouldn’t call it a friendship. Originally I thought that their relationship was just one of deep friendship but he is actually in love with her, misses her when they he hasn’t seen or spoken to her for a while and his dream is for us all to eventually live together.
I have tried really hard to come to terms with his polyamory (the term for loving more than one person romantically at one time). There are actually quite a number of people who recognise this as a legitimate way of being and even some like me who try to accept it in their partner but don’t feel aligned to it for themselves. I even started a blog for such people and have written an ebook that has helped many people.
All your suggestions are very valid and necessary in making these relationships work. Mine is three years old and in most ways it works very well. The trouble is I seem to be having this sadness that keeps coming up around the fact that I have given myself totally to my partner and he will probably never be able to reciprocate.
In the polyamorous community there is a strong belief that monogamy is a state of being that is learned through our culture. I haven’t made up my mind about this yet. Sometimes it feels that way and other times I wonder if I am fighting my nature and an absolutely basic desire for a one on one heartfelt relationship.
Zap
You & I don’t feel the same on friends of the opposite sex. My wife & I both have friends of the opposite sex. Granted none of mine are that close & the only guy she is really close to is gay..lol
However we both have a steadfast rule. If something bothers the other we don’t do it. Even when we don’t agree on it. Within reason of course. For instance if she didn’t want me to bathe I would do it anyway…lol. But you know what I mean…lol
It comes down to respect. Respecting each other & respecting the others wishes. Neither of us will do anything against the wishes of the other.
Along that line I also have a rule of “If it is important to her then it needs to be important to me. An example is I HATE going to art shows or social events in general. BUT they are important to her so I go with a good attitude.
Perhaps such rules would be good for the two of you. What you are asking is within reason. If she can’t respect something that is so vital to you then how can one know if she respects anything you hold dear?
Perhaps a good counseler can help you both sort out differences like this. The long term damage could be bad. Anyway not a knock against either. Just a suggestion.
Be Blessed
Ron
I value:
1. Honesty and accountability in marriage. Always letting each other know where and with whom were are spending time with.
2. Openness and having no secrets – My wife has all my passwords to my email, accounts, etc. just as I have all of hers.
3. Contributing to each others needs – I value a wife who wants to be close to me, emotionally and sexually, just as I am there for her emotionally and sexually.
4. Individuality – Being able to be myself without fear of ridicule or judgement from my wife.
5. Privacy – Keeping each others thoughts and ideas in confidence. Not sharing personal information with friends and co-workers.
6. Responsibility – Not wasting resources – money – time on frivolous things. Small Discretionary spending ok.
7. Growth – Continuous improvement in our marriage in closeness, intimacy, fun, excitement, etc.
8. Faithfulness – This one’s obvious… but I value a woman who will protect our marriage from outside influences from the opposite sex… just like I protect our marriage from outside influences.