Marriage Challenge # 6
I have a prediction: this marriage challenge isn’t going to be particularly popular. So let me state one of the more perverse truisms of life right up front.
The advice we most resist is often the advice that does the most good.
This brings me to the topic of screens – TV screens, computer screens, gaming screens, smart phone screens, tablet screens, and so on. Think about their impact on your happiness, marriage, family and life.
For the next week, I’d like you to pay attention to your screen usage while you are at home. Keep track of:
- How much time you interact with the various screens in your life
- How you feel as you interact. Do you find yourself feeling elated and included? Or are you really feeling bored, lonely and depressed?
- What are you not doing so you can interact with your screens? Has Facebook time replaced reading time with your kids? Has email at night replaced talking to your spouse? Has the smart phone replaced giving your family your undivided attention?
- What triggers your use of your screens? Do you seek them out as an escape? Because you are bored? Because you are hiding from family responsibilities?
- Do you really need to be doing what you are doing with each screen? How necessary is it for your career and your happiness to be on screens while you are at home?
- Do your screens create any marital or family discord? Does your spouse feel jealous of your screens?
- Do they leave you feeling positive and happy or negative, fearful or depressed?
For this challenge, I only want you to keep a screen diary for one week. That’s it. You don’t have to change how you interact with your screens yet. (That comes next week, though).
Why do I want you to do this? Because of the resistance I mentioned earlier. If I’d come right out and said, “Let’s give up our screens for a week,” most of you would have been like, “Let’s not and say we did.” Or maybe you would have been like, “Let the other folks on the blog do it and I’ll just read the comments and see how badly it went for them.”
By keeping a screen diary, you’ll be able to see for yourself just how much impact your screens have (or don’t have) on your life. You might, for instance, realize as I did recently that:
- You feel more and more depressed the more time you spend with your screens. You might sit at your computer and constantly hit the email refresh button when you really could be interacting with a live human being in your home.
- Certain TV shows not only give you nightmares, they also create a pervasive negativity in your mind that hangs over you and prevents you from seeing the beauty of the world.
- Your screens numb your ability to have vibrant conversations with others around you.
- Your screens are hurtful to your family. Your family might think of your screens as “the other woman” or “other man” in your life.
- Your screens are an energy suck. They fatigue you and give you headaches and eyestrain.
- Your screens prevent you from tasting your dinner, and they ensure you end up with indigestion later.
- They give you insomnia.
- If you weren’t with your screens, you’d have time to do all of those things you are constantly saying you wish you had time for, such as sitting outside on a nice summer night and watching the fire flies.
You get the idea.
Or, perhaps, you will find the opposite. I can’t say for sure. I can only guess. Try the experiment and see. Let me know how it goes.
IMPORTANT: I’m always behind, and this is no exception. I worked with 9 other marriage experts to create materials for the Romance Rescue Tele Summit. It includes 10 or so hour long audios where experts discuss all sorts of topics important to your marriage and happiness. Until tomorrow (Wednesday) you can download some of the materials for free. After that you can buy the bundle for a fee. More details here.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I guess my screen is my kindle or an actual book and it does create discord in my home, which at times i do try to curb.
sabrina´s last [type] ..No Idea what I am thinking
I offered this challenge to my Hubby, who watches TV or his computer all day long. He asked the following:
-Does his KOBO count? It’s a virtual reader. So, in other words, does reading a book count?
- Does reading blogs and articles (like the news) count if it’s read on the computer?
Ali– This is all up to you both, of course. I think it would be great to monitor all of it. You might find, for instance, that books are uplifting where as news sites are depressing. Funny blogs (like the Damn You Auto Correct one) might be uplifting where as others not so much. This week is all about studying the effect these things have on you and your life. They might not all have the same effect (or maybe they will?) So this is an experiment to see what’s really going on.
One of our problems is that her work IS screen use, from home, all the time. It seems like she will take time off for the kids, but as soon as I get home and there is supervision for the kids again, it is back to work for her! it has been an issue for 20 years and is getting better. We got into the habit of hiding behind our respective screens when things weren’t going well, but now that things are improving it is very hard to break the habit, and very hard to unload the (intentionally) overloaded plate.
I need to encourage her to say “NO” to someone other than me.
VERY interesting project. I will be interested to see how it helps me. I work from home on my computer all day so I am on my screen 8 hours a day. Truthfully I wish I didn’t have to be. My neck gets strained. As soon as my work is done I am HAPPY to get off this screen….lol My beloved can’t sleep without the TV on. I know that’s not healthy.
This will be interesting for us. We don’t have kids at home. She is sick many days. I work from the computer all day. But I am also having depression issues right now. I even had to find some free therapy. It is situational due to everything we have been through. But I’d be willing to bet it isn’t helping & may be adding to it. With all the time I spend working & taking care of her, the fact that I can’t get out much I just don’t know an alternative right now. Learning how to do it better would REALLY help.
Keep on Rockin Alisa
Ron
Screen time – the TV kind in particular – gets me crazy and has been the source of so many of our silly arguments. I’ve given up (although I AM tempted to try this exercise…)
Dang you guys are quick. I’ll be the first to comment one day.How much time you interact with the various screens in your life.
I default to my screen when my hubby ticks me off. So usually it doesn’t result in negative feelings it is BECAUSE of negative feelings.
I also turn off the computer when he comes home from work. I get all my work done before he gets home. It hasn’t replaced interactions EXCEPT at night when we both settle in with our virtual books and read. HOWEVER we used to read books every night anyway so I don’t think that counts because we are still reading books only in a different format.
However I think my hubby is more screen dependent than me and tends to carry his iPad everywhere and I mean everywhere.
We watch more TV in the winter but since we now have a way to record our fave shows we usually record all week and watch on the weekend. During the summer we tend to not watch much TV.
That being said I think we’ve been avoiding talking in favour of screening lately But I understand why. Just not willing to share right now.
“Do your screens create any marital or family discord?” No but we have a small dog in our bedroom that did the other night. He can be worse than any screen known to man.
Hey all….
Whether your screen use is too much, too little, or just right, please keep in mind that your spouse should be aware of your status before your facebook friends.
Take care.
RavSean
I absolutely agree with this literally thought-provoking post.
WIthout a computer in my home now, I’ve found myself watching more and more TV, which is NOT a good thing.
I’m speaking mostly of TV here because I only use my cell phone to call/text, and I don’t have an I-anything, LOL!
I have realized that in some ways, it’s keeping me from living real life, so I made it a point to set up three “real-live” dates/meetings/appointments with friends over the next two weekends. I’m also back to writing daily (which I really need to do) and reading books more, I have so many!
I totally agree that too much screen time DOES cause depression. On days I don’t turn the TV on at all (which I make a point of doing once a week) I’ve noticed I feel MUCH better!
And I also make it a point NOT to turn on the computer (easy to do now that I don’t have one at the house) one day a week, now if I could just COMBINE those two, think of all I could accomplish!?
In all reality though, people have always found ways to dis-connect; today, we say it’s because of screens, TV, computers, etc, and that’s very true; but in all reality, if two people (married people, of course) want to disengage from one another, they WILL find a way. Just like if they WANT to make each other a priority (above other things) they will find a way to do that too.
However, I have noticed that there’s a constant lack portrayed on TV: not enough, not good enough, don’t have enough, etc. There’s also entirely too much judgement on TV–of others, from others, by others, the judgement reigns free in TV land, and that’s NOT a good thing.
I think there are some good quality shows on TV and I’ve always been very careful and concious of what I watch on there (mostly sit-coms and cooking shows), but still, it’s wonderful to consider something (watching less TV) and then come on here and read about that very thing–very cool! Thank you!
I think TV is a substitute for companionship sometimes, and I think in a lonely marriage, that’s what makes it so alluring. I think TV makes it easy to “drown out,” “dumb down,” and stop thinking. I know for me about the only time I STOP thinking is when I’m watching TV, but over time, anything in excess isn’t good.
If we spent even a quarter of the time investing in our REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIPS (either face to face with a spouse or on the phone with a good friend, or Skyping–which involves a screen, I know, but for a good cause!), think of how positively different our lives would be!
I think “screen time” in marriage should be carefully considered. No two people can be tuned into each other 24/7, nor should they be tuned OUT from each other 24/7. And TV, Facebook, computers, I-pads, etc make that “tuning out” all too possible.
As a writer, or practicing/hopeful one, I am careful to include SOME writing in my screen time, but like everything else, there has to be a balance too.
I’m speaking mostly of TV because I only use my cell phone to call/text, and I don’t have an I-anything, LOL!
I totally agree with RavSean–good point about the FB Status–yes, your spouse (or anyone in your household for that matter) should know your “status” or mood or situation BEFORE the “outside” world does, wonderfully brilliant point–thank you, RavSean.
Thank you, Alisa, for this great post!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
*Sorry for the repeat sentence!
Hi all…
Sarah Liz – Brilliant? I will take that compliment. Thank you.
Can you tell it to my board of governors?
RavSean
My husband and two kids and I just got back from a 2-week road trip and so we inadvertently had our screen time reduced quite a bit. We camped about half the time and stayed in hotels or with friends the other half. Being on the road there were so many new things to talk about and do together as a family that didn’t involve screens, and that was nice. When we were in hotels or with friends we did check our email and facebook but for the most part that time was greatly reduced also. Now that we are home, I think the challenge is to find engaging things to talk about and do in a familiar environment. I liked your comment about positive and negative screen time. One thing that my husband finds very positive that generates lots of discussion between us are TED talks–very thought-provoking and inspirational.
I still haven’t completed this challenge. I just don’t think I can do it lol. But I will try. Because I spend a lot of time in front of a screen. Not just for work, but at home, too. From the time we eat supper and clean up until bedtime, I’m usually in front of the computer. And that is taking valuable time away from not only my spouse, but my children too.
I’m glad you said “screens” and not TV, which I rarely watch. But laptop, desktop, iPhone: On them all the time. So much for modern life freeing us from work.