Marriage Challenge #6-1/2
I’ve been putting off this post. I could give you any number of excuses ranging from me being busy to me being sick. But what it really comes down to is this: I was resisting my own advice. I figured I could not tell you all to do something that I wasn’t willing or able to do myself.
But I’m making progress. So now I’m going to challenge you all to do the same.
In part 1 of this challenge, I asked you all to monitor your screen use. I didn’t ask you to change anything. I just asked you to notice how often you used screens (computers, TVs, smart phones, etc), when you used them, how you felt when you used them, and how they affected your relationships. This is what I learned when I did the challenge:
* I waste a lot of time sitting in front of my computer.
* Most of what I do in front of my computer at night really does not need to happen.
* When I am on my computer at night, I tend to get depressed and I also don’t sleep well.
* I am not able to multitask family time with computer time. If I am on my computer, it’s like I’m not home to my family.
* My daughter is jealous of my computer.
* There are times I am in front of the computer because I’m lonely or feeling sad. During these times, I really should be connecting with my husband or a friend.
What did you learn about yourself? Were your results similar? Or different?
Now for this week’s challenge. I bet you are worried because you think that I’m going to tell you to take all of your screens and toss them in a pile and burn them. I’m not. That would be silly.
What I am suggesting is this: based on your results from Part 1, make some changes that will improve your life. What can you do to better balance your screen time with your family time? The answer to that question is going to vary from person to person, but here are some of the things I’m trying to do:
* Not check emails or texts when I am having a conversation with another human being.
* Confine my computer time to my work day as much as possible.
* Allow myself only 30 minutes in the evenings to check email, Facebook or do other types of e-networking.
* Only work at night if it is truly an emergency.
I’ve been attempting to do this for about two weeks. I haven’t always been good at it. There have been nights when I’ve backslid in a big way. But I am happy to say that there have also been nights when I’ve shut down my computer and either spent time with my family, read a book (something I love but rarely have time to do) or went to bed early and got the sleep I so desperately need. I feel closer to my family and they feel closer to me. And I feel more relaxed and at peace.
Let me know how it goes for you.
UPDATE: I was blown away by how many of you responded so quickly to my book giveaway yesterday. I didn’t realize how many of you wanted to read the book but couldn’t for financial reasons. I expanded the giveaway and have notified all of the winners. BUT since so many of you wanted copies, here’s what I am going to do. Twice a month, you’ll have the opportunity to win free copies of P:HEA. There are two ways to win. One is simply by commenting often. The more comments you leave on the site, the more likely you will see your name in the “top readers” widget to the right. I will randomly pick one Top Reader each month to receive a book. This is in addition to the free theme park pass. Once a month I will also be running a Reader Appreciation Post. I will randomly pick one commenter from those posts to win a book, too. To make it fair to the folks who read on email and Facebook — where there is a feed delay — I will pick the winners 24 hours after posting. Important: If you read on email, you MUST click through and leave your comment on the website. When you reply to the email, your comment only goes to me. To leave a comment on the blog, click on the headline in the email. It will take you to the actual post.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Boy this is a great challenge. I notice when I’m back on the computer at night, I am edgy (especially if I’m back here in the home office away from every body) and like you, I don’t sleep well. My husband has learned that if he lights some incense in our bedroom, the fragrance sends a smoke signal that it is time to step away from the computer and HEAT THINGS UP! What a kind and gracious way for him to deal with what absolutely annoys him to pieces!
While not directly in response to your challenge, I recently decided I was spending too much “waste” time in front of the computer. I’d sit down to do one thing, procrastinate because I wasn’t on deadline, and then spend all day accomplishing nothing, sucked into cyber world.
As a result, I’ve made an active effort to close my computer on the weekends. Just for the weekend. To not check my email every few hours, etc. Instead, I’m really pushing myself to try new things and have actually picked up kayaking (there is a free organization here in NYC that offers kayaking).
It’s amazing how much better I feel overall.
Actually I am rarely on the computer at night, I wish I could say that it is because I am being a wonderful husband & am spending that time with my beloved. But it is because I have to be on it all day for work & am SICK of it. Besides Sportscenter is on…lol Just kidding about The Sportscenter. I don’t really watch it.
It has been a real struggle lately for us to spend much time together. Karen hasn’t been feeling to bad but is a little distant & disconnected. We will have to have one of those talks discussed in the last post. I know why she is doing that. As a mater of fact I gave a question about that but will put it on that post.
Anyway EXCELLENT as always Alisa. I also would LOVE to get a copy of PHEA. As you know finances have been a real problem because of all the medicals her illness. Oh & I think I sent you an email, but my email addy has changed. Well there is a lightning storm nearby & I have to unplug before I loose another computer because of it.
Keep On Rockin
Ron
Oh no! You already contacted all the winners? I think I’m a winner but I don’t have an email from you…it might have gone to my spam folder which I emptied without looking over.
In other news, I love this challenge and I’m working on it!
Niloo–I’ll check. I’m overwhelmed with email at the moment, so I can’t say for sure.
Niloo–I just sent you an email. Please check and see if you got it.
Everyone else: if you were one of the first 10 and you DID NOT get an email from you and you are sitting and steaming, something is wrong. The email went to spam or I screwed something up on my end. Either way let me know because, unless you point it out, I won’t know you never got an email from me.
I think I missed something.How do I know again if I am a top ten? Also I’ll send you an email with my new email address. Don’t hurry to answer me please. I know you are swamped right now. It’s not like I am going anywhere…lol
I believe we are so addicted to our computers because online friends love to converse with you and your persona can be so different to those online.
It’s easy to shut the world out and concentrate on what is going on online.
If you are online then time literally flies by while your home life goes down the tubes.
I make myself shut it completely down and head outdoors and concentrate on my lawn, my retired husband and chores he wants to do.
I concentrate on trying to be like it was back in the late 50′s and 60′s and simply try to enjoy life without all the electronic devices. It doesn’t always work but the effort is so worth it!!
Thanks for all of your helpful advice too! I am learning and it is not true that “old dogs cannot learn new tricks”!!! LOL
I will definitely benefit from closing my laptop. I spend way too much time in front of a screen (laptop, phone). I notice that when I am in front of a computer for too long I get grouchy. My husband has told me that he is jealous of the internet because of how much time I spend drooling over a screen. My marriage is more important than a silly listing on craigslist or a recent episode of such and such. I am going to also try to choose spouse time over internet time. Also, I have been guilty too many times of using my phone while having a conversation with someone. I need to quit that for sure. Thank you for this.
Love the challenge. I too get pulled into the cyber world and lose track of what I meant to be doing. Then I’m tired, cranky and usually end up with a headache from too much screen time. Definitely need to make changes. Thanks.
Can’t wait to try my hand at winning a book. I’m just itching to read it, lol.
I was in the top 20! does that count since you moved up to giving away 20 books?! =) I received several emails, but just notifying me that other people were commenting, but not one from you! how did you pick the other 10?!
This is an amazing challenge, as I’m sitting with my face in the computer and headphones in my ears so I don’t have to hear “my other half” playing violent video games! I wish I could ask him to stop, so we could read your blog together, but i feel that it would start an argument in itself because hes having his “screen time” right now (usually way too many hours in 1 day… ) so i’m not sure how to even go about this, when if I am willing to give up mine, he may not be willing to give up his.
How I use my resources, like my time, say what is most important to me. If large amounts of time are spent with screens, then they must be awfully important in my life. Some of what is done with them no doubt is. However, what should my priorities be. It is always good to have check, to see if what I believe or say I believe is what I practice.
My computer is a tool to me just as a wrench would be to a mechanic. When I get home I rarely boot up. I’m not much of a bit-twiddler and never got the bug maybe because i have two jobs where I am on the computer all the time. But the concept can be expanded to any endeavor that is taking your free time away from your spouse, children, friends. My passion is furniture making and many times my husband would have to come out to my workshop at 2 am and tell me to shut it down for the night.
Good to see you Joanne, I have missed your comments.
My beloved wife isn’t much of one for being on the computer either. Her big thing is doing art & doing handmade jewelry. I think she goes overboard with it at times. But I also realize it is her therapy when she is feeling bad. It seems to be the one activity she can do when she is having a bad sick day. So I understand that. I do worry however when she will do it until 4am. I do want her to do it as it really brings her joy. I just worry about her neglecting needed rest at times. I have encouraged her to find some balance but as they say you can lead a horse to water…lol
Anyway so very good to see you again & have a blessed day
Ron
Thanks Ron, I have been reading everything just not commenting. I didn’t feel qualified to comment since nothing I said or did was going to save my marriage. You know the old “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”! Thanks for noticing though.
You are still qualified my friend. I am sure Alisa would say we are all a loving family here helping each other in the struggles of marriage. That would include post marriage. I am sure everybody would agree that we value & treasure your comments. Don’t worry if it is over the line. I will come WHACK you over the head with a wet noodle if it is
Missed Ya MY Friend
Ron