I’ve been thinking about the meaning of the word “selfish” for a while, ever since various people hurled that insult my way. This post is about some conclusions I’ve reached. I believe it applies to marriage, friendship, family life, and online interactions.
But first, two definitions.
Selfish = Focusing on one’s own needs, wants, desires and pleasures. Not focusing on the needs, wants, desires and pleasures of others.
Selflessness = Having little to no concern for one’s own needs, wants, desires and pleasures, but showing lots of concern for the needs of others.
Now for the list.
- Everyone is selfish sometimes. Unless you are a canonized Saint or an enlightened being, then you are probably a lot like me. Sometimes you behave selfishly. Other times you behave selflessly. Refusing to admit this is both selfish and misguided.
- If you think you deserve to be canonized as a Saint, then you are selfish. The desire to have others know you, revere you, and recognize you is a self-focused desire. You will be truly selfless if someone offers to canonize you and you turn down that offer by saying, “Oh, no, this other person deserves it and would benefit from that a lot more than I would. Please give this other person the honor. I do not deserve it or need it.” This holds true for any title of recognition.
- It’s selfish to call someone else selfish. By accusing others of being selfish, you are attempting to bring others down and peg and yourself up a peg. This is, by nature, a self-focused action. You are motivated by concern for your own reputation and not by your concern for the well-being of others.
- Selflessness breeds happiness. Selfishness breeds unhappiness. If you are angry, worried, guilty, frustrated, depressed, envious, or jealous, you are probably focusing on yourself and your own needs and not on the needs of others. As soon as you stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on others, you will find that your negative feelings evaporate.
- Selflessness can be scary. That’s why so few people manage to act selflessly all of the time. It requires a huge amount of trust and vulnerability. We are often our most selfish when we are terrified.
- If you think some people deserve your help, but others don’t, there’s still a lot of selfish in you. It’s only once you can love every living being equally—no matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, or political party—that you will have completely transcended selfishness.
- Sometimes it’s selfless to be selfish. If you completely neglect your own needs and drain yourself dry, there will be no you left to focus on the needs of others. It is selfless to make sure you get enough rest, for instance. It’s easier to be selfless when you are rested, healthy, fit and well fed.
- Sometimes it’s seemingly selfish to be selfless. In focusing on the needs of many others, you might have to neglect the needs of a few. The few who are neglected might selfishly accuse you of being selfish. As long as your actions were focused on helping others, this is not true. The ones who accuse you of being selfish are actually the ones who are selfish as they are the ones who are concerned about their own needs.
- It’s selfless to forgive people for calling you selfish. After all they can’t learn how to be selfless unless they have role models like you to emulate. Also, as I mentioned, they are scared. If you respond to their show of selfishness with selflessness, you will show them what true courage looks like.
What do you think it means to be selfish? How do you use the word? Who do you accuse of being selfish and why? Who do you admire as embodying “selflessness” and why? Why do you think humans tend to call other humans “selfish”? What motivates it? What can you do to foster more selflessness in your marriage and life in general?
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Not selfishness but self care comes first. Without being able to properly care for myself I wont be able to care for others.
I find that many people have a hard time knowing the difference between good selfishness (ie-self care) and bad selfishness. Maybe you can write about how to know the difference.
I have to say, that I am a bit miffed right now. Unless the people accusing you of selfishness know you really well, what in the world are they basing their opinion on. Here are some additional definitions of selflessness, I am sure you would recognize yourself in them.
1) Putting your family first in deciding to attempt everything within your power, some quite personally painful, to save your marriage when many others would toss in the towel.
2) After finding somethings that work, starting a blog to help others who may be in a similar situation long before your book ever comes out and knowing it would absorb your free time and energy to do it.
3) Taking time out of your book promotion, already tired, to break bread with a new friend who is going through a divorce and some pretty scary new self discoveries.
4) Being an empathic listener, which allows not just me (the new friend) but anyone you talk with to feel safe to be their true selves and be accepted as such.
Lord, I could go on and on but you get the idea. I think you pegged it when you said that people eager to point out when someone is being selfish may actually be reacting out of fear but I dare say they are also probably doing a bit of transference.
We all need to remember to take the log out of our own eye before we point out the splinter in someone else’s eye.
Just saying.
AMEN!!!!!!!
Awwwwwww man you mean I gotta decline being cannonized . BUT…BUT.. I’m not really selfish just because the world revolves around me…lol Just kidding my friend
Yet another Rockin post. & oh by the way something I learned from this post. Try to say the words selfish selfless 5 times. Talk about a tongue twister. I couldn’t do 2..lol
One that I struggle with is feeling guilty when I sometimes do something for myself when my beloved can at times be so sick. I KNOW I need to. I KNOW in the long run we both benefit from it. I don’t even understand why I feel guilty about it. It’s not even like I do very much for me. But I literally felt guilty for buying myself a chocolate bar one time. As everybody here knows money for us is really tight due to lost income & medical expenses. But I mean really…. guilt over a chocolate bar? Even I know that’s just nuts…lol
But I also know (as I am sure you agree) that there has to be a balance. We have all seen far too many people act only in their own self interest while ignoring the needs of family. Thankfully that is the exception not the rule.
I think the only place we would disagree & only slightly is the ocassional need to point out selfishness on the part of a spouse or child. We do have to be careful how we word it when it is a spouse. But if the spouse continually does something harmful & continues to do that, they need to be called out & be told of the hurt it causes.
Most spouses don’t intend to hurt their husband/wife. Most will adjust the behavior when confronted with it. We do however have to be careful how we approach it. Kind of along the lines of the sexting post. I assume that some who do it don’t even realize how incredibly selfish such a thing is. It says “I care more about the thrills I get out of this than about how deeply it hurts you”. More along the lines of that. Really enjoyed this one Alisa
Keep On Rockin
Ron
P.S. Anybody that thinks you are selfish isn’t selfish themselves. They are LOONY…..lol
Drummy Guy– You have such a good memory. I actually agree with you. I just wasn’t thinking of that particular situation when I was writing. Hurling “you are so selfish” is selfish because it’s all about your own self interest. But pointing out someone’s selfish behavior kindly so they can fix it and have a better life (in other words, for their own good) is definitely selfless.
Me???… A good memory?….. That’s a good one…:-) Just kidding with ya.
It reminded me that lately I have been having HUGE memory problems. Senior moment maybe?…lol
I was trying to talk about this with that woman I married . Now if I could just remember her name….HA!!!! :-p
LOVED the post Alisa. Have I ever told you that YOU ROCK?
Ron
I needed this post this week. Needed. Thank you. Especially number 4…so I am remembering this and I am trying to make choices thinking of the happiness of others right now. I have been feeling frustrated, jealous, depressed…etc. Maybe trying to be more selfless really can help with that.
I had a very selfish moment yesterday morning with a friend and I justified it by telling myself that she tends to get her way all the time so its her turn to bend for me…but now I’m putting her first and asking for forgiveness for the way I handled things. I feel so much better now.
Being selfish is only thinking about yourself without regard for other people. Selfless is the opposite which is putting others’ before oneself. It is selfish to not think about how your actions affect others, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are selfish if you put your own needs.
I just read this post today. Not out of selfishness or selflessness but simply crazy times around here! You ask us to say who we think are selfish people. I am sure you don’t mean to name names as that would be selfish. I think that it is human nature to be selfish. We are concerned with survival and that means we need to take care of our needs. But at the same time that can be selflessness (as you pointed out) because others may depend on us for their survival.
i accidentally (I guess)clicked before I was finished. I was going to end with the idea that the most selfish people I know are those who profit on the exploitation of others. Whether that be a criminal enterprise (just read a recent article on the Mexican drug cartel) or people who defraud the Welfare system by not working when they could be.
The everyday selfishness of humans (to me) is nothing compared to these types of selfish acts!
I thought I would read this and try to peg myself in one or the other but found i am guilt of both and sometimes at the same time case in point I often buy my husband gifts while hoping that the outcome will be that he will be happy enough and it will lead to the bed.. I know that it is wrong because after i feel like i had to pay for it. I have not told him this and I am sure that if I did he would say that i do not need to do this, however i have tested the theory several times. Then there was the time i gave my old car to someone who had mentioned that they had car problems and did not have transportation i was happy until i found out that person sold the car the very same day i gave it to them at no charge. i have not mentioned it to this person who is a co-worker but it stings. I am happy to say that had I known this before I gave them the car I would still have given the car away however it would have been to someone else and if it had the same outcome I would continue do overs until one stuck.
I have to disagree a little. People in abusive relationships are often very selfless but end up feeling depressed, angry and guilty due to the treatment they receive. True clinical depression has nothing to do with being selfish.