There are times when we must tell our spouses (and other loved ones) what they don’t want to hear. We know they don’t want to hear it, so we get nervous and anxious, which, in turn, often causes us to say it all wrong. End result: someone ends up in tears. I’ve found that, in such moments, it helps for me to know exactly what I want to say before I open my mouth. Here are 7 ways to communicate hurtful information without overly hurting your partner:
- Make it part of a thank you. For instance, “Wow, thanks so much for getting me this shirt. It really means a lot to me that you would go out of your way to do this. It’s even in my favorite color! It is a little too big for me, though. Do you mind if I exchange it for one that fits?” Note: my husband returns almost everything I ever buy for him. He used this line on me recently. I didn’t find it hurtful at all, but maybe that’s because, after 12 years of marriage, I’ve gotten used to him returning everything? You tell me.
- Make it genuine, and don’t try to come out smelling like a rose. If you need to come clean about something, don’t expect your spouse to give you an award at the end of your apology. It’s that expectation – of getting a hug, a compliment, or a smile – that turns most apologies into shouting matches. If you really are sorry, take the blame and own it. Like this, “I’m sorry I made fun of you in front of your friends. That was cruel of me. I will never do it again.” Do not justify it. Do not add a “but.” Just say you are sorry. If you really aren’t sorry, then don’t even attempt to apologize because it will come off as fake.
- Keep it short. If you need to convey information that you know will make your spouse sad, just come out with it. Don’t talk around it. Don’t slowly build up to it. Don’t ask your spouse if he or she is sitting down. Don’t attempt to make your spouse feel happy, and definitely don’t tell your spouse to lighten up. Just say it in as few words as possible. It’s not any more painful for your spouse to hear “I’m having an affair” than it is for your spouse to hear, “I’ve been feeling alone and I haven’t been feeling loved by you and one thing led to another and I guess I wasn’t getting something from you that I started looking for somewhere else and, well, there was this guy and it’s really nothing but well I sort of had sex with him and it’s not a big deal but I thought you would want to know.” Don’t drag it out.
- Be gently honest. It’s better to say, “It’s just not happening for me tonight” than it is to pretend that you are having the best time of your life in the bedroom when you really aren’t.
- Embrace silence. After you deliver unsettling news, give your spouse time to digest it. Resist the urge to keep talking or to pepper your spouse with questions about how he or she feels. You might say, “I know this was hard to hear. You might not feel like talking about it right now. Let me know when you are ready.”
- Get your mind into a compassionate place before you open your mouth. If I need to deliver hard information to my husband or anyone else, I meditate first. I picture my husband and I hold that picture in my mind until I can say, “Your happiness matters” and I really mean it. Once I feel that surge of compassion, I know I am ready to have any conversation about any topic.
- Don’t wimp out. Don’t say it by text and don’t say it by email. If you want to write it down, then at least be present when your spouse reads what you’ve written. The act of showing up for the conversation speaks volumes.
What are you best tips for tear free conversations? Share them with others here. Or, conversely, what gets in the way of you having tear free conversations? Share your struggles here.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I always have this problem. I’m usually the one crying because when I’m upset or angry (especially angry), I cry lol. However, I will keep these tips in mind. And, I think it helps to remember how you would want to be handled, treated, told, etc and put yourself in the other person’s shoes before you speak. Hand it out like you’d want to receive it. At least, where compassion and empathy are concerned. Great post!
I find it hard to start off the conversation on a positive especially if you have a complaint that has been sitting around in your head. But it sounds much much better that you make a compliment acknowledging the positive aspect of your partner before you make a complaint about them so it’s important to ‘make it a part thank you’ with the conversation that way they will be more receptive.
Great tips, I like all of them and will be sure to put them to use! And you ask about our own tips, I’d probably add as a subtip to #6 to also try to keep a sense of humor. It may not be appropriate in every case, but I find it helpful to lighten myself up prior to entering into a difficult conversation.
Great tips. I shall use them once I find a man to use them one.
I am a crier, like Angela, but my husband has found a way of saying things to me so that I don’t cry. He starts off by saying, “I know you’re not going to like this but we need to talk about it.” Sounds weird, but it pushes me into my getting-down-to-business state of mind instead of my emotional please-please-please-don’t-stop-loving me mind. And I don’t cry. Argue, maybe, but I don’t cry because it’s been shifted into us solving a problem together instead of whether he still likes me or not.
I’m trying to figure out how to talk to my husband about some “touchy feely” issues. I’d like him to help me reconcile some of the things I’ve been feeling lately but I’m struggling to think of an approach that gets the point across without becoming whiny. It’s not bad news, I just want to jump into it and tell him how I feel but I’m afraid.
Are there tips for getting your spouse to open up about feelings?
Rockin post Alisa,
I struggle with this A LOT!!!!…lol I have been seeing a therapist lately due to depression. What I have discovered is that one reason is I keep a LOT of feelings to myself & take the ostrich approach to many matters. Partially because I have just always been like that & partially because I am afraid to hurt her feelings. I this I am talking about things she has done or hurts she may have caused. By themselves nothing major but added up & then you keep them to yourself long term it causes problems.
Some of this I have been carrying literally for years. But what happens it it comes back as anger, resentment & hurt. I kept that to myself as well. Anyway we finally had some productive talks where I was able to tell her about these. No yelling, no arguing etc. Some she didn’t like to hear but needed to know.
One little trick I learned is to first write down what I am feeling & why. Look them over. You would be surprised at how often you do that then after reading them go “hmmm that’s not reasonable”. Also if any of them are making you angry you get that part out before talking to her/him. That way when I do I can be more reasonable & have a productive talk. Anyway that works for me. May not for some.
One that we both struggle with is keep it brief. I am sure you can tel that by the length of my comments…LOL But she does the same. So we will have to work on that. Neither of us just go off & start wailing at the other. Most slights are not intentional by the other. Sometimes they can do something and not even realize it was hurtful. So no need to yell etc. Great tips girl.
Keep on Rockin
Ron
Hey everybody,
I kind of have a question that goes well with this post. I have to talk to my beloved about it & not quite sure how to go about it. The reason is I have talked to her about it before, she does better, then reverts back to pattern. It is something that has become a great source of hurt & I am at a loss.
Understand that I am not saying my beloved is a bad person. She is a kind, loving, caring wife. She just seems to struggle with this issue & I am trying to understand why. Anybody who is a regular here knows that I do not say anything bad about my beloved. Neither of us do. But this has been a pattern since we got married (10 years ago).
Anyway here goes. Lately she has been rather cold, angry & distant. I know exactly why which to me is even more of a problem. A few days ago I awoke with another flare up with my back. It is VERY painful but will clear up in a few days. 90% of the time it is fine. Most flare up’s are very minor & easily managed. But maybe once a year I get one like this. Ever since this started she will barely speak to me.
The problem for years has been anytime I get sick or injured she becomes cold, angry & distant. But she has been seriously ill from Liver Disease for 6 years now. This has had a horrible effect on our lives. It has devistated us financially, we lost our home, it is nearly impossible to have a normal life. But through it all I have stayed by her side. I have been her sole caregiver. I have seen her through 3 rounds of chemo & on hospice twice. There have ben times I have to literally wait on her hand over foot & do so gladly. I have been more than understanding in being in a celibate marriage. That’s not easy when you have the supercharged libido that I do.
Through it all I have never once blamed her or shown anger to her. Even during times I have felt some resentment. I realize that while I may resent what the illness did, I don’t resent her. Yet when I become ill I get this. Also this didn’t start when she got sick. It started when we got married. I have talked to her about this before & she will check herself & stop doing it. But only for a short time. Well she stops the anger but not the distance. I don’t expect her to mother me. She is sick herself so I know that I still have to do everything from cooking to shopping etc.
I just don’t understand why somebody would to this. Especially a wife who are supposed to be the nurturing sex. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to be a little nurturing? Am I expecting to much? I don’t expect her to wait on me but a little encouraging would be nice.
After all the past talks about this I am not even sure how to approach it with her any more. It is really painful. So I guess I am asking the nice ladies here a couple of things. Is this normal for a wife? (it wasn’t with my first wife). What would make a wife angry when her husband is ill? It can be a simple stomach bug & still she gets this way. I guess the next question would be how to even approach this. I have told her how it makes me feel. But like I said it only changes it for a short time. When I told her about it when this one started she just huffed & puffed out of the room. I am open to suggestions.
Also once again. I don’t write this to dog my beloved. In every other way she is a loving wife. I am just at my wits end right now. Any input would be appreciated.
Ron
Drummer Guy– I’m really guessing because I’m not there and don’t have all the details or info. But from what you wrote, it sounds like she’s scared. She’s trying to hide that she’s scared and she probably feels guilty about it, so it comes off as cold and distant. You are her sole caregiver. When you go down, she has no one.
But you can’t know this for sure. This is just conjecture on my part. So I would recommend the same strategy I use on my husband when he is cold and distant with me. I say, “I don’t deserve to be talked to like that” (if it was a hurtful comment) or “You’ve been cold and distant and I’m worried that you are mad at me. Could you please tell me what is going on? I’d really appreciate it.”
With him that’s all it takes. He might not tell me exactly what’s going on, but he will at least say, “Oh I’m sorry. It’s not you honey.”
How do I get HIM to take your advice, when Im the one reading this and not him! Anytime I try to talk seriously about working on things, or ask him to listen to something that i found, and that might help us, there will be a rolling of the eyes, and its ALL DOWN HILL from there! because that just makes me lose my patience, and not want to try at all. Hes not a big communicator (complete opposite of me) so I really like #7.. because he says anything even semi important over text messages, and when were in person, he doesnt know how to express what hes thinking at all! (even after over 3 years!) =/
@Ron, I know how you feel. my hubby had hurt his back and he was down and out. I even had to tie his shoes. I took care of his every need. After about a week of that I had a medical issue where I really needed him to be there for me. I didnt ask him to be, I guess I just acted like I didnt need him and he made the decision on his own to be there. I was so appreciative. I think maybe your wife has been sick for so long that she is so used to being taken care of. I feel my hubby is the same way. If he is sick the world stops for his needs. If i am sick I have to keep taking care of business. I hate to use the word selfish, but I am afraid that is what it is.I feel for you and your wife I really do. I think if you just explain to her that sometimes you need taking care of, like you take care of her selflessly and that it wont take away from what she is going through. Take care!
Thanks Lisa,
Yes it CAN be self centered at times but she is not a self centered person in general. She volenteers one day a week teaching art therapy to the mentally disabled. She can be so sick herself but still does this. She also advocates for the disabled locally, mostly phone work helping them navigate the beurocrcy & red tape. She helps church members who are facing serious illness, mentally dealing with the financial havoc caused by it etc. So she knows how to be totally selfless. In most things with me she is. I mean she has been left totally unable to make love with me. But she still uhhhhhh well nevermind….lol
I did talk to her a few weeks along the same lines you mentioned. I told her all I am asking for is the same patience I show her when she is sick. I may have gone a step to far & asked her to show me the same caring she shows everybody else. That was wrong on my part because she does show me love & care in every other facet of our marriage. It is just this one thing. Like Alisa said maybe she is acting out of fear.
Thanks so much for your encouragement
Ron
I totally understand. It may very well be fear. Please take no offense to the word selfish. I guess i was really thinking of my situation. You know like if I am sick my hubby is sicker, If I am tired her is more tired. It is always about him. It drives me crazy. It feels like I am not allowed a feeling unless it is about him. Well I am sure you will figure it out.
Hey Lisa,
No offense taken at all. It is frustrating to deal with things sometimes. Actually all the time..lol
Thanks Alisa & Lisa,
Alisa I do think there is fear involved. I don’t know if it is because of her own illness because she was like this before she became ill. I do also wonder at times if I am overeacting. I have tried to talk to her about this before although I did my usual word it so it doesn’t hurt her feelings. I think I am just going to have to be more assertive.
I have learned lately that I can’t let her illness become an excuse for bad behavior. I was talking to my therapist & she made me realize that illness or not we BOTH need to be accountable for this marriage. That includes me too. Then again since I am a PERFECT husband IT’S ALL HER FAULT…….HA! Just kidding.
I am working on a few things she asked me to. But I will be putting into practice your advice on being more assertive but in a loving way. Otherwise she will feel like it is an attack, become defensive, tell me why it is MY faullt that she does a,b or c. Not that she has a pattern of that but EVERYBODY does at first if they feel attacked.
The good news is she can usually mull it over for a day or two & realize I had some valid points. I am HOPING she will do it on this matter. It is just so painful when I get anger & coldness when I am ill beyond my control. I really don’t want her to baby me when sick or do anything beyond be supportive.
Since she is sick I still have obligations I have to do regardless of how I feel. I still have to cook, run any errands, cat liter, etc etc. She is unable to drive or stand for more than a few min so it’s either cook or starve. I don’t do the starve thing to well. Talk about becoming a grouch…..HA!!
I think one reason I was so upset yesterday was I had to run to walmart yesterday morning to buy some food items that would be easy to make. On the rare times my back gets this bad the pain is just too much to stand in the kitchen & cook.
Well by the time I got home & unloaded everything I was literally in tears from sheer pain. Then after she got up she asked me what was wrong in that really cold tone. I was ready to explode. Luckily for me I can control that. Sadly I did my usual & just tried to bury it & keep it to myself.
So by the time I typed that I was in tears again. This time from emotional pain. Anyway so sorry for the long comment. I really have nobody here to talk to about this stuff. I wouldn’t dare talk to any of my friends or family about it because they would get the wrong impression & think I am married to some heartless monster. Besides being a monster is MY JOB!!!…lol…J/K Thanks for providing everybody in our little family here a safe outlet to vent or even be lovingly corrected when needed.
You ROCK Girl
Ron