- “I shouldn’t have to thank my spouse for doing something he or she should be doing anyway.” Do you thank the person who bags your groceries? Do you thank your waitress for bringing your dinner to the table? Do you thank the fire fighter who gets your cat out of a tree? If so, you already are in the habit of thanking people for doing things they should be doing anyway. After all, these people are all getting paid to do these things. Your spouse doesn’t even get paid to wash the dishes, vacuum or cut the grass.
- “My spouse doesn’t thank me. Why should I thank him/her?” In the words of the venerable Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Someone has to start being thankful. It might as well be you. And even if your spouse doesn’t thank you back, your gesture of gratefulness serves as positive reinforcement, so your spouse is more likely to do this task again. Gratitude is always a win-win.
- “But my spouse did it because he knew I was mad at him and not because he actually wanted to do it.” Think of how much emotional resistance your spouse overcame to perform this gesture. When your spouse is mad at you over something you didn’t do, is it easy or is it hard for you to perform a conciliatory gesture? It’s hard, right? It’s like running a dang marathon in 100-degree heat, isn’t it? It’s a gesture that is absolutely Thanks Worthy.
- “But my spouse only did it because I asked her to do it.” So your spouse did it to make you happy and not to make herself happy. That sounds like love to me.
- “But what my spouse did wasn’t a big deal.” It might not be a big deal to you, but it might be a very big deal to your spouse. More important, saying “thank you” isn’t a big deal, either. It’s just two words. You don’t even burn half a calorie to say them, and you can even do it with your eyes closed.
- “I already missed my opening. It’s too late to thank him now.” That’s like saying that it’s too late to send someone a belated birthday card. It’s not. I’ve sent people birthday cards months after their big days. They always appreciate the gesture. In fact, the later you are, the more meaningful the gesture can be.
- “She’s a big girl. She doesn’t need to be thanked.” That might be true, but why deny your spouse the opportunity to feel good?
Thank your spouse today.
Thank a stranger today.
Thank your kid today.
Thank a neighbor today.
I think you will find that the more thanks you give, the more happiness you will get.
Why do you avoid thanking your spouse and other people in your life? What is the road block? How has gratitude changed your relationships? What creative ways have you come up with to be more thankful? Who do you find easy to thank? Who do you find hard to thank? Why?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
#7 is SO dead on! Why should we deny our spouse the opportunity to feel good? I think we should always try to make our spouses feel good whenever we can…After all, we like when they do the same for us!
Excellent post! and right on. Some people feel as though if you thank a person too often (or say “I love you” too often), it somehow cheapens the sentiment attached. I disagree. Our spouses need to know know that we appreciate them
>>especially if your spouses’ love language is affirming words!<<
#4 is RIGHT ON! True love is selflessness and doing things with a glad-ful heart, awesome point!
I totally agree that GRATITUDE is the right attitude for everything in life!
So many marriages crumble because of a constant lack of appreciation, when really, it’s the EASIEST thing to maintain! (At least it was for me.)
Think about:
Romance–maintance and often money or sex involved.
Communication–often trial and error, mastered only over a lifetime, with tons of bumps along the way.
Trust: built over time and can be ruined in a nanosecond.
Respect: also built over time.
Gratitude: two simple little words, or one simply little action, with instant pay-off!
I LOVE showing my gratitude for others and their presence in my life and I equally love receiving gratitude from others. It’s inspiring and motivating and can really put that “pep in your step” and make you go the extra mile because you KNOW you’re appreciated.
I was always good at saying “thank you” to my husband whenever he did something, and I was rarely thanked in return. I came to the conclusion that that’s just my personality and just because it wasn’t his, didn’t make him a bad person. (We divorced for a number of bigger reasons, but I will admit that not feeling appreciated did play a small role.)
There’s different ways to show gratitude; some say it verbally (like I do, or with thank-you cards for special occasions/gifts/gestures) and some do things in return (something physical, taking out the trash for instance or a kiss). Everyone’s got a different “love-language” but I have found that a sincere thank you can do WONDERS for any relationship, especially a marriage.
Gratitude has a lot to do with focusing on what IS right in your life, instead of what’s wrong.
Gratitude in a marriage is no different, thanking your spouse for what they DO do for you, and the wonderful person they are! If we all focused on that just a little bit more (and I certainly didn’t focus on the latter too often, although I said “thank you” a lot), we could all transform our marriages/relationships.
Great post!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Spot on. Two simple words can do wonders for making your partner feel loved and special. I know whenever my partner thanks me for doing something, regardless of whether he’s asked me to do so or not, I always feel happy and am more willing to repeat the gesture in future.
Thanks!
First, Dr. Phil “venerable”? Mmmm…
Secondly, do people really say “I shouldn’t have to thank my spouse for doing something he or she should be doing anyway”? That’s so sad.
I thank my hubby for EVERYTHING. Even things that he humbly doesn’t feel warrants a Thank You. Once I thanked him for loving me. If you knew me, you’d understand
The basics really matter and make a big difference.
I love, love, LOVE this post! You’re so right! I try to thank my husband all the time, because I know how good I feel when he thanks me for doing something. It means he noticed and appreciated what I did, no matter how dumb it might be to an outsider.
Ingrate?!!! Moi? Great post and great reminder for me. I work at this daily. After 19 years in recovery, I remember the first day of treatment. I have to be thankful?! To Who?! For what?! For what people are supposed to do?! Give me a break!, oh my oh my, how far I have come. Thank you, those are great!
This is so great. I provide couples counseling in my psychology practice and it never seizes to astonish me when people use familiarity as an excuse to be rude to each other.
Also today my husband and I are celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary! Being kind to each other daily in the simplest ways has been key to our happiness.
Thank you for this and with your permission I will repost it to my blog with full credit!
AMEN.. I have even commented on here before how I am AMAZED at the way some couples talk to each other. It has always irked me that a husband or wife will say things to their spouse that they would never say to a complete stranger.
Very Sad Huh?
Ron
Great post. I’m the one who doesn’t say “Thank You” enough and I know its something my husband really likes to hear. I like how you put in perspective because I’m very guilty of 1, 5 and 7. It’s not as important to me but sometimes it is… especially after I’ve cooked dinner.
I really loved this post. I agree with what everyone else has posted as well. I especially appreciated what Sarah posted and have printed it out to remind myself
And your right saying Thank you takes literally a nano second and can trully turn a persons day around
What a ROCKIN post Alisa. This may be your rockinest (yea I made up that word..lol) yet. Truer words could not be spoken. My beloved Karen & I are both very good at saying thank you. As a matter of fact I have supper in the oven right now. Pineapple-Honey Baked Chicken with rice (put the warm pineapple-honey sauce for gravy) peas & rolls. I am sure I will get a BIG thank you from her when she eats.
I have known SO many couples who use all the excuses you listed not to say thank you. Then the next complaint starts to be ‘He/She never does ANYTHING for me any more. Well DUH!…lol
Keep on Rockin Girl
Ron
Do you think this is an American thing — being too “tough” and cool to thank people for kindness, courtesy and just because we appreciate them? I’m currently in France and I notice people pop out with “Merci!” much more often here. The French are so much more gracious in so many ways; is this another one? Food for thought.
@Everydaymoments: thank you, I’m glad you liked my comment, that’s sweet.
@DrummerGuyRon: Pinapple-Honey chicken? Sounds delicious, as do the rolls, so what time do you normally serve dinner at your place? LOL! Seriously, it sounds great, hope you all enjoyed it!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Usually around 6pm. If you left now you might be able to make it in time for tonight’s dinner. But I think it will be grilled possum….lol
Okay, I’m super guilty of this, mainly because of points #1 and #5. What you said about thanking waitresses and firefighters, etc. really opened my eyes, though. I’m going to make it a point to thank him for doing the mundane. This should be interesting!
Nothing feels as good as being recognized for doing something nice for someone. Oh, yes, there is one thing that feels even better than that – and that is hearing “thank you.” You are so right.
I learned in my first (failed) marriage that those two simple words can mean the world–and never hearing them for even the simplest of things can be damaging. My new husband and I tell each other thank you all the time–sometimes it feels like it gets old, but he taught me how to be grateful and kind, something that was missing in my life before, and if we go a day without telling each other thank you for something–it feels off.
When I’m mad, I do find it hard to apologize and/or thank my spouse for something and I think it is because I’m purposely withholding something good from him as punishment. And you’re right…”how is that working for me?” Not great, because it keeps the negativity going instead of putting a stop in it when I say I’m sorry or thank you. Great job on this post. Thanks!
Spot on. I am German and married to an American who insists that saying “Thank you” is part of the cultural difference. Because I am not only Venusian but German too!!!!! TBH, I lack humor in this department
Busted for number one. I hate to thank him for doing something that he should do already, like doing the dishes and taking out the trash. But he thanks me for those things, and I feel guilty at hearing his thanks because I feel like I shouldn’t get it either for doing something I should already be doing. That’s probably a therapy moment, huh? Lol.