This is another new feature here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Once a week I’m going to challenge you to do something scary in your marriage. It’s my hope that you will try it and then report back how it goes for you.
This week’s challenge: Forgive a Marital Sin
Why it’s good for you: As the famed prayer goes, happiness is found in accepting what you cannot change and changing what you cannot accept. Today’s challenge is about the former. I’m not suggesting you never speak your voice. I’m only suggesting that you practice the art of letting grudges go. Holding onto grudges often does nothing to change your circumstances, and it usually harms your peace of mind more than it harms the person you are mad at.
How I did it: Yesterday it was Mother’s Day. I wanted to sleep in. My daughter woke up at 6:30 am. Then the dog got up and whined that he needed to go outside. My husband did not budge. I said, “I want to sleep in. It’s Mother’s Day. Someone else should get up.” My husband did not get up. I got up and let out the dog and got my daughter involved in something. Then I mentioned that I was a bit ticked off, and then I went back to sleep. Later, my husband got up and made breakfast. I was still angry about having to get out of bed at 6:30 am on Mother’s Day. I said to myself, “Self, you can ruin your entire Mother’s Day by being mad about this all day long, or you can let this go right now. Next year, on the night before Mother’s Day, you can announce your intention of sleeping in. That way he’ll know that it’s important for him to get up.” It wasn’t easy, but I let it go. I forgave his sin. By doing so, I was able to notice all of the other ways my husband made Mother’s Day special for me. For instance, he made breakfast. He made dinner, and he planted vegetables in my garden for me.
This allowed me to feel good about participating in Night #1 of the 7 Days of Sex Challenge. I have to say, this challenge is growing on me. More on that in a different post.
Your turn: Pick one transgression this week to forgive. Let it go. See what happens.
Struggling? Use the comments area to share advice and resistance to this challenge.
And, for what it’s worth, here’s what I wrote that all mothers want on Mother’s Day but failed to ask my husband to read.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow! This is beautiful!
I think letting go of expectations is SO important in a marriage. Especially when we don’t state them clearly to begin with. If we do state them and they’re still not met, that’s absolutely just cause for frustration. (Though I would agree, getting up at 6:30am on a special holiday would irritate me too!)
But, still, I’m proud of you for taking responsibility for your own mood.
I did that too yesterday. I was sad because it was my first Mother’s Day without my Grandma and though I’m not a mother, it was difficult at moments. So, halfway through the day, I decided “okay, you get 15 minutes to sit here and cry, and then you move on.” I wasn’t going to let grief ruin my day, and it didn’t. I spent the rest of the day just relaxing and taking it easy with my mother, and it was wonderful!
I think that’s one of the best things about you, and this blog, Alisa–the message that we are accountable for our actions and that we must take responsibility for our behavior. I admire that about you and find it truly inspiring!
I think forgiving a marital sin is always good.
It’s even better when you let it go and then focus on all that IS right about the day, person, place, or situation. Beautiful!
I’m glad you had a good Mother’s Day, I thought of you and I’m happy you felt special and loved!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Excellent post Alisa. Sorry I have missed out on some stuff the last week or two. My beloved wasn’t doing well & we had a minor crisis hit (more financial stuff, somebody broke into my bank account. Not that there was much to steal..HA). But things are looking up a little. Anywhos Some really good stuff. Holding grudges does nobody any good. It doesn’t change the fact of what happened. It only makes the grudge holder feel worse about it. There is real power in forgiveness. I realize some do find this difficult. My first wife held grudges that I imagine she still holds to this day. Very sad. Thankfully none are directed at me that I know about…lol
I have been thinking & can’t really think of any marital sins I need to forgive from my beloved. Not that we are perfect people but none come to mind. Hmmm maybe I already burried them & didn’t hold a grudge…HA. That or I’m having a senior moment
I don’t mean this as bragging but I never have been one to hold grudges. Maybe it is that happy go lucky attitude I have had most of my life. Sure I get upset about stuff but I get over it in pretty quick order. I guess your hubby & I are pretty much alike in that regard. I think it is probably a personality trait. Thanks again for the GREAT post
P.S. My email address has changed so I am going to try to change it here. If it wont let me do it I will send you an email to see if you can change it from your end. Thanks
Keep o Rockin
Ron
This is great, I need to learn to be more like this. Impressed.
annesaneries´s last [type] ..Reliving My City in My City
Totally agree!
Forgiving marital “sins” will improve your marriage. But more importantly, it will give YOU peace of mind. By holding onto anger, you only end up hurting yourself, since you’re the one feeling it.
Learning to let go is so important. And it’s an important skill to have when it comes to communication in the relationship… because if you’re holding ANY kind of grudges or resentment, you won’t be able to truly listen to your partner and work things out when trouble is brewing.
Excellent challenge!
Will´s last [type] ..Relationship Self Help Advice
Because you know how to fogive, you have a special Mother’s day and your family was still happy.Please continue promoting.I I need to learn to be more like this
van025´s last [type] ..איך להיכנס לפגישה אצל רופא בכיר
Wow! wish I read this sooner, my Mothers Day was miserable. The stubbornness in me would not let me enjoy myself. I was so angry because I had expectations for the day and my mother in law decided that she could just change plans (like three times) and I guess we had to just accommodate her because I guess she is the only mother in the world. She didnt care what plans I had because my husband is her son. So I cried all day and was completely miserable. This was a new argument for me though. I guess that is why I was so taken aback. Well it took me longer to forgive him.(Monday). I dont know why it is so hard to forgive when your feelings are hurt. I need to be more flexible with forgiveness.
As a grudge-holder by nature (I blame my father, lol) this is by far the most difficult challenge I’ll ever do. I’m sure of it. However, there is ONE marital sin that I’ve been holding onto for a long time (6+ months) and today, here and now, with you all as my witness, I am letting it go. Let’s see if I can really let it go for good.
I’m a Capricorn, and we have memories like elephants, much to our own misery. I can remember grudges from when I was two, so you can imagine what my hubby might go thru. We’ve been through a rough first year and half of our marriage. Financially, having to move, our relationship continues to be tested by both of us on a continual basis. We are in counseling and it bumps along. Neither one of us is very good at the ‘homework’. I thought about your challenge then it hit me, I wonder what he would have to let go about me too this past year and a half. I wasn’t proud of the things that came to mind. Good one, I can do this.
Good points – again a reminder that we are responsible for our own happiness, and there is no value trying to make someone else responsible for it. Personally, I’m the sort who doesn’t hold grudges, and while I might me mad for a short time, generally it’s gone the same day at the most. Must say I was astounded when my (now former) wife brought up ‘issues’ with me she was still clinging onto that in come cases had occurred 20 years before when she was justifying why the marriage was over! I do remember (as that was 3 years or so ago) just trying to apologise for stuff that I couldn’t even remember had happened – that’s how desperate I was! However, life is too short, and has definitely moved on for the better. I agree with Drummer Guy, it’s sad that some people spend their lives hanging onto that stuff, rather than moving on.
I’ve just found this website today and it is a real eye-opener. This post hits me the hardest…My husband and I have had a difficult time since our twins were born 4 years ago and since these hard economic times have hit. I believe we had our lowest point a couple of weeks ago when we were fighting and he asked if I just wanted to “split this thing up”, meaning our marriage. I didn’t know until that slap in the face that we had sunk that low. I’ve spent the time since really doing some soul-searching and looking at how I’ve contributed to this demise, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve not been the easiest person to live with (or love) either. This post about forgiveness is what I needed to read to forgive, to stop the echoing of what he said that day in my head. Thank you for writing this and thank you to all who have contributed by making comments – it also helps to not feel that I’m the only one dealing with these types of issues!