Every so often, I find that one of my values conflicts with another. When that happens, I’m befuddled about what to do.
Last night was no exception.
My husband and I were brushing our teeth when he stared at something above my head and said with great, manly confidence, “Here, let me save you.” He pulled me toward him. He placed his hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and pointed.
“Ew, what is THAT?” I said in stereotypical womanly alarm. There isn’t much about me that is stereotypically female, but here’s one thing about me that is: bugs gross me out. I don’t mind when they keep to themselves, but I don’t like to touch them and I don’t like them to touch me.
Or seemingly threaten to touch me.
Or seem as if they might be thinking about touching me.
You get the idea.
“It’s a stink bug,” he said as he grabbed it with a tissue and then tossed it into the toilet.
I was paralyzed into silence, but not for the reasons you might suspect if you have not been reading this blog for very long.
He began to reach for the flusher. Then he stopped.
“Do you have to go?”
We’re into saving water in our house. We tend to go on top of each other’s pee. It’s one of those things that you will either understand implicitly because you do the same in your house OR you will think is absolutely crazy because you don’t. Think what you will. My husband had already used the toilet pre-bug insertion. I had not.
“Yes, but….” I said and trailed off.
“What’s it going to do? Bite you? Besides. It’s all wrapped up in the tissue. It can’t get out.”
“Um, yes it can,” I said as I watched the stink bug crawl on top of the tissue.
I stood and stared at the bug. I didn’t know what to do. As a part of the Karma Project, I’d been trying for months to avoid killing bugs. Part of Buddhist beliefs center on the idea that all living beings have souls (or minds) and that killing any living being – no matter how small – is akin to murder. Of course, most of the rest of non-Buddhist humanity does not see things this way. It’s for this reason that Buddhists often feel like Horton in the children’s book Horton Hears a Who! They are sickened by the death of the tiniest beings that most people don’t even think of as beings.
For the better part of a year, I’ve waffled back and forth from seeing bugs as beings to just seeing them as gross little nuisances that might land on me and, well, do something gross like accidentally get smashed and ooze their bug juice onto me.
It hasn’t been easy for me to feel compassion for their plight, but I’ve been working on it.
Well, let me tell you something. When I saw that little stinkbug crawl out onto the tissue, I thought two somewhat opposite thoughts. They were:
No way am I going to sit down on the toilet now. What if that thing can still fly and it lands on my butt?
And
That poor terrified little thing! He’s trying so hard not to drown.
Yes, in that moment, I was almost as concerned for that bug as I would be if I happened upon a small child who was frantically doing the doggie paddle in the deep end of a pool.
And I wanted to save the little bugger. But I also wanted my husband to feel good. After all, he’d thought he had been doing a good deed. I wanted to reward him for his effort so he could feel happy.
Can you see my conflict? What was more important? A grown man or a stinkbug? Stroking his ego or saving a life?
For a second, I thought I might be able to pull off saving the bug and making my husband feel good. I took a step toward the toilet. Then I thought, “You have to be joking. You are really thinking about sticking your hand into the toilet to save this little bug? You can’t be serious about this!”
My husband had no idea of the thoughts that were running through my mind or about the courage I was trying to find deep within myself. Although he’s saved the lives of bugs for me in the past, he tends to forget about the bug thing. After all, I don’t talk about it much. I keep this spiritual practice between me and the bugs. I don’t involve other humans in it if I can help it.
And so what he did next was what any adoring, chivalrous husband would do.
He flushed the toilet.
I watched the bug get sucked under. I watched it spiral around in circles. And I watched it leave the bowl and get sucked into the water pipes.
I felt sick.
I mourned for that little bug. I’m still mourning.
Next time? I’m getting my hands dirty. Next time? I’ll be more like Horton.
Would you have saved the bug? Would you have flushed the bug? Would you have peed on top of the bug?
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
I vote for flushed
ok, there’s been something bothering me about your blog for some time and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I continued to follow it because I was thinking that I might miss some interesting tidbit or light bulb moment piece of advice for my own mostly-good-but-occasionally-terrible marriage. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “this woman is loony”. Sorry, but that’s the word that kept speaking to me. While I’ve appreciated your brutal honesty about your own failings, your husband and your marriage, I will be unfollowing you. A self-absorbed blog about whether or not to flush a bug is not worth my time. It’s a bug, your husband lovingly pulled it out of your hair and threw it in the toilet. That’s all. Not even worthy of a mention to a girlfriend on the phone let alone an entire blogpost about it on a blog devoted to marital woes and how to deal with them. I get that you think it has something to do with your quest for spirituality and the dilemma it caused you…got that. But again, I signed up for this blog for the above stated purpose. Sorry, you lost me.
Well ignoring the previous post of which the posted could have just un-followed you without the diatribe, I will say that I would have either flushed or peed then flushed. The part that sucks about flushing bugs, they sometimes resurface and you have to flush a few times.
sabrina´s last [type] ..My Test
OH NO!!!!!! The internet Police strike again. Trying to practice good Karma I will refrain from the rest
Alisa do know that YOU ROCK
Ron
I would’ve flushed the bug. No thought about it. Bugs and spiders…I can’t do it. They must die in my presense. HAHAHA. That said, I will save those little beetles who get stuck on their back and can’t right themselves (even though I know they will only fall back over and die). I doubt I would’ve been able to use the toilet even AFTER the bug went down.
And I agree with Ron. You, Alisa, do rock!
There is a pretty good rule in our house. We save spiders. The reason is that they eat all of the other things. I am a definite vote for confirming that the water in the toilet shifts in a different direction in the northern hemisphere than in the southern.
Rav Sean
I’m a new follower – love your blog!
I have to agree with the others on the flushing. As a mom of 2 boys, I thought it was ironic that the stink bug was found in the bathroom!
Love your blog Alisa!! Been lurking for ages but commenting for the first time to say that what others may consider “loony” has for me been very freeing…”Wow this woman thinks just like I do!!” I love you sharing your spiritual journey with us. I think the same kind of things too…guess i’m crazy!
I do understand about valuing life no matter how small, but if my husband rescued me from a stinkbug in my hair, I’d chalk it up to Karma (his) and let the bug go.
I;ve also become more callous about insects in the house since we had a black widow invasion a couple years ago. Now anything that might be considered spider food (and therefore encouraging to spiders who might want to move in) is out. And black widows are definitely out (brown widows, too). If it’s outside, we coexist in peace; if it’s inside, it’s out.
We have a well so I get the double pee thing. But the bug woulda git flushed down into our septic field which would have the bug reincarnated as compost for the earth. However spiders we release too. They eat more pesky little bugs. Moths as well
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 5
I vote for flush. Think of it this way, just flushing gave the bug at least a fighting chance of survival. Bugs don’t breathe like we do, the just kind of absorb oxygen through their shells…so they can really live for a pretty long time under water. Couple that with the fact that sewer systems are not sealed. After the first two or three feet, he would have free access to air again, and a chance for escape a little farther “downstream”. Survival is what bugs do best. Just flushing would not kill the bug. Karma preserved.
Squish and flush (the normal process in my house) does not allow for survival.
Love the blog…it has changed my marriage. Seriously.
Our new motto is : “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.”
Love the motto!
” Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it”…. ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. Mr Cellophane I may have to borrow that one from you
I love this blog and as most of you know I couldn’t save my marriage. Just things like one unhappy respondent being topped by 10 respondents who are happy to hear about the stink bug incident and how much thoughtfulness you put into even the simplest decisions.
I love that Mr. Cellophane would expound on the breathing habits of bugs just to make you feel better and Maureen would understand the double pee thing.
Drummer guy, I think you all rock, what a wonderful eclectic group of people you all brighten my day.
Just wanted to say I LOVED your book and I look forward to my daily emails. I really enjoy reading them every night before bed!
Tanya Maynard´s last [type] ..Trach Free Not Yet
I loved your post
I also have been thinking way more about bugs and their lives a little more buddhist-like. I can’t stand spiders even though I know that they kill other bugs lurking in my house. I did let one live the other day since I couldn’t bring myself to kill it (and it HOPPED! Yikes!)
I also look at this post as not only about bugs, but learning to be more sensitive in general; especially to your husband. I get that in learning to serve yourself (doing your own hobbies, doing something that makes you happy and in your case, learning about buddhism) you’re also contributing to your marriage in a positive way. It’s too bad that Nicole hadn’t read posts from the past that you wrote talking about that. Otherwise, I think she would have understood where you’re coming from and why you posted this.
Alisa, Thanks so much for this post. I had a similar experience with a mouse that my cats brought into the house. I shut him in my bedroom, then went to two stores looking for a humane trap, but there were none. I also tried for several hours to trap this mouse with a yogurt container, a trashcan, or a towel. Then my fiance came home, let the dog in the room, and she promptly killed the mouse with a pop of her paw. I cried for half an hour. My fiance thought I was crazy. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one..
Angela; I agree about the mouse thing. My cats (God love them!) are so weird though that they catch a mouse, vole, or chipmunk, they come and show it to me, just so I can tell them what great hunters they are. They then spit them out in my hands when I ask for them. I now have to get this sloppy traumatized little critter out into the back yard away from the cats prying eyes. Luckily my basset hound is to lazy to exert the effort to interfere. I’d rather deal with the occasional bird.
I’ve been reading your blog for many months now, never commented until now. The nasty poster made something in me feel the need to comment. I loved todays post, can totally relate to the story and was actually laughing out loud at the idea of having to pee on top of the stink bug! We are water conserving people in our house as well. My 2 year old will tell me, its okay mama, you can put your pee-pee on top of mine. As far as bugs go, I don’t kill the lone bugs in the house. If I find a single stink bug clinging to the bedroom curtain, I let him be. However, I do draw the line when a parade of ants marches across my kitchen floor. Any bugs that enter my house with an entourage have to go. Nothing personal. So, in response, I absolutely would not have peed on top of the bug. The last thing I need is a stinkbug trying to cling to life via my bum.
“Would you have saved the bug?”
No
“Would you have flushed the bug?”
Yes
“Would you have peed on top of the bug?”
No. Why? Because I take your “What if that thing can still fly and it lands on my butt?” concern a bit deeper. On, what if it goes in?
I subscribe to the “if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down” philosophy–though I don’t think Sweetheart will ever catch on–but my anxiety about a bug crawling up my…you know…overrides my desire to conserve.
As for Nicole’s dislike of the topic. You can’t please everyone all of the time. I sometimes feel bad that I have not felt as enthusiastic about your blog over the last few weeks. I feel bad because I do love it. I think you have excellent posts and I don’t want to miss an excellent one because I stopped following when there was a post I did not like–so I have not stopped following.
Now I might stop following a blogger who I felt had not established a trust of well-thought out posts–someone I chose to follow based on what may have been a lucky few good posts. But that is not you.
As for whether that should be included in comments? I think it is feedback, if you don’t get it, you can’t do anything with what might be constructive comments.
You are teaching me that you can still blog and not be perfect. I hope that saying that doesn’t hurt you–I mean it as a compliment. You are real. You are a published author and yet not everything you write is going to be polished to perfection–books and a magazine articles go through an editorial process not common to blogging. Here on your blog you get to be chatty; you get to use Alissa’s voice rather than the voice of some detached professional.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Creative Visualization
@ Angela. If you are looking for a humane trap for most critters you can usually find them in 3 places.
1) the Hardware Store or
2) Even a pest store that specailizes in killing bugs sometimes carries them.
3) If you have a local Feed & Seed Store. They tend to cater to people who live in Rual areas who have to deal with all different kinds of “wildlife”. I remember having a Squrelle (or ever how you spell those rats with long bushy tails..lol) problem sometime back & found a humane trap there I could use. I caught them in my attic & released them in the country where they had plenty of acorn trees. It was a double edged sword though. They also have plenty of Hawks. Oh well the circle of life I guess…lol
Ron
P.S. The Feed & Seed Store is usually your best bet but not all areas have them. Just depends on how close to the country you live.
Anyway try that & you will be prepared for the next invasion
I would like to start out by saying that I love this blog. This blog is one of the reasons I now feel more optimistic than pessimistic over relationships in general, which, for me, is huge. All of your posts were helpful but the ones that really helped me are the ones that discussed bettering ourselves first. By having a karma project or (like for me) just a chosen moral path allows me to build who I am as a person and decide who I am and what I like and not who my partner is and what our relationship is all the time. The more secure I am in myself the more secure I feel about the relationship reguardless. What a freeing feeling!
Also, I would have reached in that toilet and saved the bug (ideally speaking). I believe that if we can help someone, we should. Easier said than done. I admire you for allowing yourself to be humbeled in the experience of caring for another creature’s life and allowing yourself to captivated by compassion (so to speak). Thank you for your time!
I love you all. Nicole: I’m so sorry you did not find what you were searching for here. Everyone else: I’m so touched that you have found it. I’m also thrilled by the kind spirit of your comments and your strength at resisting the contagion of negativity. You make me proud!
Alisa bowman´s last [type] ..Weekly Karma 4
@Sabrina I agree. Nicole goodbye
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 5
I would have flushed in a heartbeat. Even we did the whole water conservation thing in our house I still would have flushed. There is no way I’m giving that bug a chance to crawl on (or in) my bum! Then I would have given my husband a BIG hug and thanked him for saving me.
Sorry, I’m a bug squasher…LOL. But I do think your husband reaching out to save you was very sweet
.
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.”
Love this too! I’m writing it on our family’s whiteboard.
I would have squished and flushed. Sorry Alisa! lol
Zoe´s last [type] ..There is really no reason to yell
RE: Find yourself in your marriage
Recently during a couples counseling session, first my husband is bipolar and extremely narcisstic and there are other issues going on, The therapist asked him what he loves about me. He couldn’t/wouldn’t answer. I had never questioned that he did and I ASSUMED there were things about me that he did love. Guess not, to my surprise. Then the therapist gave me reading/education materials on bipolar and other personality disorders. I got my explanation and no longer make excuses for his shortcomings when it comes to empathy, compassion, etc., where I’m concerned. The thing is he expresses these things for other people. I told the therapist in the next session that I don’t believe there’s anything about me he likes, I am always the enemy. This morning was a prime example. It’s going to be 96 degrees today. When he got up this morning, I told him, I’m going to turn on the central air soon. I got hit with his negative comments, ‘you don’t care about me or that AC makes me sick, all you care about is yourself! Well good morning Mr. Sunshine again. Irritability and selfish behavior is indicative of this disorder. I left the room for the bedroom, at my back he says, ‘oh now I suppose you’re going to go back there and pout.’ I let that drop, I have been working hard at letting his crap not bother me and going on with my day. I posted a loving tribute to him on FB this morning. Now after the verbal slap and reading your blog about denial, I realize that’s how I wish I thought about him, not how I actually feel about him or that’s the way things are between us. You know all the positive stuff, there’s not much left in my bank. The best I can do is treat him like a human being and walk away from the land mines and verbal bombs. He has labeled me and treated me badly in the past. I am angry at myself for letting things go (before the explanation) whether he has a disorder or not, or whether you’ve been labeled ‘loony’, we are only in control of ourselves.
Helen
Hi Helen– Mood disorders are a special case because they cause people to act unpredictably. In your case, I would say that the one thing you will always have is your own integrity. If you are able to at least not stoop down to his level and become as abusive as he is to you, you will at least have that to feel good about. See also the comment I just left on the next post (“practice confronting your spouse”) because some of it also applies to your situation.
Some things I would wonder are: Did he act like this when you first met? If not, why not? Is he on medication? If not, why not? Are there coping strategies he can learn that provide him with some impulse control? I’m thinking of how counselors teach children with behavior problems to keep their hands to themselves. There might be some lessons there. If there are, it might be worth telling your husband that you require him to learn these skills in therapy and a condition of staying married to you.
No, he did the ‘sweep her off her feet’ thing, which is what Narcissists do. He was on and off his medication. I drew the line in the sand a couple years ago, if you want to stay together-stay on your meds, so far so good. He’s tried to play games with his meds, take half a dose, let them run out. I told his therapist at the VA during one of our sessions. His blood levels tested okay. I’m tired of being the gatekeeper in order to have a barely tolerable marriage. We just started counseling a month ago, one more shot, this starts to work or I’m outta here. I am not living the rest of my life like this. Thanks for the reply, appreciate it. I will check out the blog about confronting, I know I could do that better.
Top of the evening all.
Alisa, while I agree with you that mood disorders can certainly lead to abusive behaviour, it cannot be the only factor checked. Mood disorders – abusive behaviour is directed towards all. Abuse – behaviour is targeted. The simple test is this: does he hurl abusive language at his boss? If the answer is no, then Helen’s husband is able to control it in one area of his life. If he is able to control it in one area, he is certainly able to control it in others.
Helen – please read the above paragraph. That being said, you mention the VA. Was your husband involved in military action at any point? Did he see combat? Did he return fire? My own military training leaves me reluctant to label behaviour as abuse if it might be Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
You are under no obligation to accept abusive language. It is demeaning, and entirely about control. I applaud your attempts to fight back, and hold you in the highest regard for realizing that you have limits to what you can accept.
RavSean, Chaplain Corps, United States Navy
He can and does control his behavior with other people. He knows better. What you said certainly helps me a lot. No he wasn’t in active combat, he’s a Marine. He witnessed a traumatic event a couple of years ago just after we got married. At the time this happened, he wasn’t taking his meds, was manic and was drinking heavily, he knew better. Since that time, I’ve told him, no meds-leave, binge drinking-leave, so far so good in that regard. I’m just tired of being the gatekeeper and not a wife/friend. We went to a consult today so he could get assessed for PTSD. The therapist explained to me that the irritability of bipolar can get extreme with PTSD. That being said, he can and does control his behavior with other people in spite of that. He didn’t want me in the consult with him because he didn’t want me to tell about his drinking at the time of the incident. I went in any way and talked with his therapist. She told me that she had insisted that I be involved in the initial consultations. He has another one next week and then begins a 12 week program. He has applied for disability for being bipolar, and is suing the estate, he has to prove that he was affected mentally and emotionally by the event, therefore the assessment. Thank you for the support, it means so much. God Bless.
I just want to say that I actually agree with Sean, although it might not be apparent in the way I worded my comment.
I also want to tell you a story that I think illustrates the point I wanted to make. I have a family member who is mentally ill. This, it seems, is not going to change. He’s been on every medication and has had multiple rounds of shock therapy and every treatment. He is very paranoid and prone to fits of anger. There have been times when he had adult temper tantrums that terrorized his family. On one hand, you can feel compassion for him because he truly can’t help it and kept trying to get help and nothing was working. On the other hand, there were 4 other innocent people involved who were being hurt by his disorder.
After years of this, my aunt finally dropped him off at a psychiatric institution and then divorced him. She did not divorce him because she hated him and never wanted to see him again. She did not do it out of anger. She did it to ensure the center would keep him committed so he could continue to get help as a a ward of the state. Had she not legally divorced him, the institution would have released him, yet again, into his spouse’s care. By keeping him in an institution, he has access to new meds and treatments and psychiatrists that the family could not afford for him. It was the kindest thing she could do for him and for her.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..Practice Confronting Your Spouse
Hi all…
Helen – you were right to insist on seeing the therapist. Even if your husband wants to tell you everything, there are details he will forget even five minutes after the appointment. His therapist should meet with you separately also. There may well be things that he is not willing or able to tell the therapist that you can.
Bear in mind the Marine mindset. Marines do not excel at seeking help from others. When you are part of that elite force, you can handle anything life throws your way. It is only in the last few years that the Corps is pushing the idea that there can be serious issues for which an individual Marine might require significant help.
Alisa – I hope I did not misread your comments earlier.
Good night all.
RavSean
Sean– no worries. I don’t think I worded my comment very clearly.
@Ravsean: Thank you for the advice. Will do! @Alisa: Thank you as well, I really enjoy being a part of this community, it does me a lot of good and everyone seems to have great insight.