Find Yourself in Your Marriage
In my last post about Karma, someone commented that she thought I was “loony.” I found it interesting because there have been times in my life when I’ve been mentally unbalanced. Yet, oddly, during those times, no one thought to label me as “crazy” or “loony.”
Now, I would say that, thanks in huge part to my Karma Project, I’m more balanced than ever. So it’s interesting that now is the time someone decides to label me as loony.
At any rate, I found it all very fortunate because:
1) The subsequent comments from others made me smile. I’ve worked hard to build a supportive community here. It was wonderful to see that everyone stayed positive.
2) Her comment gave me the idea for this post.
We deal with labels everywhere in life, and marriage is no different. Sometimes people label us incorrectly. For instance, they think we are loony when we are the least loony we’ve ever been. Or they see us during one rare moment of forgetfulness and label us as “so forgetful.”
Incorrect negative labels are interesting because they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. My older brother, for instance, used to call me “dingy chick” over and over when I was a kid. Initially, this was just the result of a harmless sibling rivalry. I was very book smart and he was merely attempting to take me down a peg. At any rate, he eventually got the entire neighborhood to believe that I had no common sense. As a result, I got very nervous whenever I was talking or doing something in front of others. I didn’t want to mess up and then have people laugh at me and say that I was so “dingy.” As a result of my nervousness, my mind went blank a lot and I also became very clumsy and dropped or tripped over things. No one (that I know of) thinks I’m “dingy” now. That’s probably because I moved away from my childhood neighborhood. Once I left the label behind, my true, non-dingy self was able to emerge.
Now, sometimes the labels are right on, but we fight them because they are negative and we’re in denial. For instance, whenever my daughter is grumpy and I mention that she’s grumpy, she usually yells at me, “I. AM. NOT. GRUMPY!”
Okay, then.
For this challenge, I’d like you to think about a few labels.
- How do you and your spouse label each other in negative ways, and how does this affect your marriage? Negative labels include: selfish, self-absorbed, immature, lazy, messy, stupid, insensitive and so on.
- How do you and your spouse label each other in positive ways, and how does this affect your marriage? Positive labels include: Conscientious, responsible, zen, hard-working, organized, and so on. Note that positive labels can be just as destructive for your relationship as negative ones. If only one of you is conscientious, for instance, it allows the other one to shirk responsibility.
- Are there labels your spouse places on you that you feel are unfair or hurtful? Talk about them. List the evidence that this label is not true.
- Are you in denial about a negative label? Think long and hard about that.
- What label would you like to take on in your marriage? Think of how you would like to be described. Generous? Caring? Open-minded? You get the idea. Pick a label. Have your spouse do the same. Then whenever you don’t agree or are tempted to go negative, ask yourself: “What would a generous/open-minded/caring/etc. person do right now?”
For the rest of this week, I encourage you both to:
- DROP one old label for each other.
- ASSUME your new positive label.
For instance, you might agree to DROP calling your spouse “immature” all week. In return, he agrees to ASSUME the essence of a “responsible” person. He agrees DROP calling you “hot headed” for a week. In return, you agree to ASSUME the essence of a kind person.
See how it changes your marriage.
UPDATES
* I visited my friend Sandy over the weekend. She runs a beautiful Bed & Breakfast on the Cape in Wellfleet Mass. It’s just a couple miles from the ocean, within walking distance of a huge pond, and in a quiet, beautiful setting. While there, my daughter and I attended a bird house auction. Sandy wrote about it on her blog. If you are thinking of visiting Cape Cod and need a place to stay, I highly recommend Sandy’s Chez Sven, and I’m not just saying that because she’s a friend.
* An article on SheKnows.com included quotes from me about effective communication.
* I can’t remember if I posted a link to this interview or not. If it feels familiar to you all, please forgive me. Here I answer questions about creativity and what gets me out of bed in the morning.
Related posts:
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Very interesting, I never thought about actual labels even though I’m well aware of the power of words. Very neat, thanks for sharing! Also, the interview is great, thanks for sharing that too! Have a great week!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Uhm we don’t label each other but sometimes, say things like “you always….” or “you never…”. I think this is similar to labelling. I really can’t think of any other thing that would come close to labelling. Dang it I was trying to be the first to respond to your post. Sarah beat me.
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 5
Love this post. As a holistic health & parent coach I work with people all the time on this issue of labeling. I really like how it also applies in our marriage. Labeling people – kids or adults – especially when we do it over and over to a person, fosters the creation of an identity for that person – just like you said your brother did with you, Alyssa. Love the work of Peter Johnston who I quoted in this post – http://www.nourishmd.com/home/1712-to-label-or-not-to-label Thanks so much for helping me think about it even more with regard to my husband.
What you have outlined is an interesting idea, but I fear the suggested approach will be difficult for most people to successfully implement. In business, they suggest that to be successful, you need to make “SMART” goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely). The labels you suggest that people either drop or assume for a week are quite vague. For example, trying to be a “responsible” person is a very subjective goal. What does being a “responsible” person actually mean? It is likely that since there is conflict between the husband and wife on this topic, that they likely have differing definitions of what it means to them! It would seem to me that setting more specific and attainable goals would lead to better results and less conflicts.
For example, I wish my wife would be tidier around the house. Asking her to be “tidier” might lead to a situation where she spends time putting away the laundry, organizing our daughters room and vacuuming. Then I would come home in the evening and see the sink full of dirty dishes and dirty pots on the stove from lunch and would feel that she had totally ignored my wish for her to be tidier. At that point I wouldn’t even notice the other things she had done because of my frustration. Even though she mindfully worked on being tidier, she values things differently that I do, and focused on those. It would be much more effective if I suggested specifically how I would like her to be tidier; for her to clean up the kitchen right away after cooking, to replace the empty toilet-paper role right away and to put things in the garbage right away rather than leaving them on the counter to put away later.
Lack of communication combined with different perspectives are the source of many of our marital woes. Getting couples to do something based on vaguely specified goals is dangerous and may lead to more conflicts rather than resolving them.
Oh, and by the way, just because you felt you were “more balanced than ever” doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t still loony
You are so right about labels becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. Since that is the case, I think we have to do the opposite – imagine what we WANT to be, and let THAT prophecy take over! Or, as I’ve heard somewhere, “act the way you want to feel.”
sheryl´s last [type] ..Do You Know Your Grains
This is an EASY pattern to fall into. My beloved labels me as passive. Problem is that it is true…lol I am very laid back, I don’t blow easily at all & that can come off as passive. Initially it was one of the things she found attractive in me. Her first husband was abusive so I guess it was a nice change for her. Lately it seems to be a source of contention. But it is my nature & not one I desire to change. I always try to be kind to others & be forgiving in all things. She tends to hold onto grudges more. I always thought being forgiving is a good thing. It is also a BIG part of my faith. So we seem to have one of our very few impasses here.
If I have a negative label for her it would be that she tends to expect the worst & sometimes has a hard time being content with what little we do have. I have no idea what label you would put on that. I also don’t bring it up to her but it is getting to the point where we need to discuss it. It is hard not to look on those things as we lost so much since her illness hit. It has caused financial havoc. But we still have a roof over our heads & food on the table. That is more than many have today.
As for positive labels we have for each other, I always call her my beloved. She always tells everybody I am a kind & good husband. I do try to always speak positivly about her to others. As a matter of fact this comment is the first time I have EVER said anything even close to negative about her. I didn’t mean it that way. She is a wonderful, kind & loving wife. After my experience in the dating world before we met, I realize how lucky I am to have her. It’s HARD to meet QUALITY people out there. Anyway that’s my ramble for the day…lol
Keep on Rockin Alisa
Ron
Ron,
Any two people are never going to agree on EVERYTHING, there will always be differences and personality traits that don’t always match up. Being realistic about our shortcomings, and our partner’s, doesn’t mean we don’t love and appreciate them any less. You two face a unique situation would add stress to the BEST of marriages, which I think you two have, by the way! Part of being in this community is recognizing “problems” so that we can work it out and work through it, so I greatly admire that you’ve never said anything negative about your beloved, and you still haven’t. No one person is absolutely perfect and that’s a good thing, because if they were, we’d never learn and/or grow from them. You are in my prayers every day. God Bless you both.
Maureen, sorry I beat you to the first comment. LOL! I hope you have a great day!
Josh, I’ve heard about the SMART thing, we use it at work and it can be effective. I agree that different things mean different things to different people, very good point.
As for Alisa being loony, I don’t think she is, because if she is, than I am too! LOL! And trust me, I’ve had plenty of reason and opportunity to join the mental ward (sincerely, without disrespect for those that have to go there, literally) and I’ve alwyas managed to handle everything quite well. In all reality, who isn’t a little loony? As long as you KNOW that, it’s okay.
Have a great week everyone, great discussion today, got me thinking for sure!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Opps forgot to click on the notify me box…lol
Sara Liz thanks for the kind words. Some stuff hit the fan last night & I am not feeling to emotionally well. That’s about all I can say for now but thanks so much for the prayers & support.
Be Blessed
Ron
There is also the reality of negative labels we give our selves and use far too often. They can have the same power to define us in a negative way and put us in that not so good position of being our own worst enemies.
I’ve recently been exploring the idea of giving up my lifelong wish/dream/hope/fantasy “to be understood.” I am beginning to realize that no one will ever know me (including me), and that the second I say something that supposedly defines me or what i think, it is no longer entirely true. I/we are too dynamic. This labeling issue is part of it. I am often wounded by feeling “misunderstood,” categorized or labeled. LIkewise, I can see how categorizing or labeling my partner is never well-received (even when I think it is a positive). We are just too complex. Part of it is my unwillingness to admit that the other person actually experiences me that way (controlling, arrogant, for example), and part of it is my own insecurity that I am not good, lovable or worthy if that label is true. I also reject postive labels with negations. I am meditating on the oft-quoted statement: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” My attention needs to be on living with intention and integrity within myself and being more generous, nonjudgmental and forgiving of others.