So Maria Shriver moved out of the home she shared with her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. They were married for 25 years. There’s lots of speculation about why she left. I think people speculate about famous breakups like this because they worry that divorce might be contagious, and they want to make sure that their own marriage doesn’t have the germ.
So they want to know, for instance, if Arnold cheated.
Well, I have no idea if Arnold cheated or why the couple is splitting. I don’t know them. They didn’t tell me. If he cheated, it wasn’t with me. I can tell you this much. Here’s what I can tell you.
- You can’t tell if a marriage is a happy or a tortured one by how looks to the outside world. Many couples are very good at faking happiness in public. Other couples seem miserable in public and I can only assume that something very special is going on in their bedrooms.
- Just because a relationship is tortured doesn’t mean it will end in divorce. Some of the most tortured couples stay together for life. This isn’t a good thing.
- Maria and Arnold’s split isn’t a sign that James Carville and Mary Matalin are going to split. Note that I am not saying that James and Mary are tight and in love. I’m just saying that one does not affect the other.
- Divorce isn’t contagious, but peer pressure is. Many couples stay together not because they are happy, but because they don’t know anyone else who is divorced and, as a result, they fear change more than they fear misery.
- What most annoys you about your spouse now is probably what attracted you to him or her in the first place. Some people are able to fall back in love with that annoying trait. Others realize that it’s a deal breaker. I’m guessing this might be the case with Maria.
- Some people stay married for many years only because they don’t want to hurt other people they love – children, parents, and so on. I’m guessing this is the case with Maria.
- Some people divorce emotionally long before their divorce physically. They stop loving their spouse, but they wait many years until the time seems just right – the kids are grown, etc. – to split. I’m guess this is the case with Maria.
- Most of us have enough problems of our own. We don’t need to worry about Maria’s problems, too. But worrying about Maria’s problems for a little while allows us to forget about ours, doesn’t it?
- When a marriage ends, it hurts. Once people make the decision to split, it’s not helpful to tell them why you think they are wrong. I hope Maria has good friends and loving family who are there for her and who are not busy telling her why she’s wrong.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Great points, Alisa. I wrote about Albert and Maria also – admitting that there is no simple answer in complicated matters. I love your point right here though:
“What most annoys you about your spouse now is probably what attracted you to him or her in the first place. Some people are able to fall back in love with that annoying trait. Others realize that it’s a deal breaker.”
Exactly. Given the choice I would choose to fall back in love with the annoyances.
Gina Parris´s last [type] ..Marriage Advice for Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver from BASEBALL
We all don’t know what went on with them, and we can just speculate. In the end, I think we shouldn’t make any judgements about others since we can never know what they are feeling and going thru
Henway´s last [type] ..Medifast Recipe Ideas
Well said Alisa! My favorite point: “Just because a relationship is tortured doesn’t mean it will end in divorce. Some of the most tortured couples stay together for life. This isn’t a good thing.”
I agree, it’s not a good thing! Let’s remember ending a relationship can sometimes be a personal triumph. I hope this is the case for Maria.
And sometimes it’s just time to move on. Maybe they are moving in separate directions. After the kids are grown, it can be tough to find each other again.
sheryl´s last [type] ..How Your Phone Can Keep You Healthy
Yes. I am worried that divorce is contagious. It happens so often around me that I try to shore up our defenses and quarantine our marriage to keep it safe.
Kim Tracy Prince´s last [type] ..Cheeseburger Pizza
I could not agree more with #2 and #9, having lived both myself.
It didn’t take me years on end to make my decision, but it certainly took me a while because just like getting married changes EVERYTHING, so does divorce.
Divorce is messy and painful; but, it can also also be a catapult to greater self-awareness and even healing other relationships in your life.
At least that is what it’s done for me, but that’s also because I chose for it to be that way. I find myself proud of the courage I had to end a miserable marriage and that has given me the courage to heal other areas of my life too. It’s astounding really and such a gift.
Would I have preferred to heal WITHIN my marriage? Absolutely. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen and life it is what it is.
No one is responsible for your sanity, health and happiness but you.
I was sad to hear this news and cannot imagine the devestation they are feeling right now. Even if you leave emotionally (#7) long before you leave; still, the actual leaving is hell.
One of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, so I feel deeply for anyone going through the same thing–and I can’t imagine having been married for decades and having children together too.
I am praying for their families wish them all nothing but the best.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Great post Alisa,
So very true. I have also known couples that have been miserable for years. Maybe they stay together as you say for kids, family & peer pressure. I would wonder of what you think about peer pressure having a negative effect on marriage?
What I mean is people who are around negative people who slam marriage all day, slam men, slam women etc etc. I have shared here before how some have told me I should just up & leave because being a caregiver to such a sick wife is “just to hard & you should be happy”. One even said “I would leave because I didn’t marry him to be a wet nurse & I ain’t his momma.” Not that I would ever be influenced by that. I was stunned. I actually felt sad for them. If that is there idea of marriage & commitment then they will themselves suffer the pain of divorce. Anyway just an interesting thought.
Keep o Rockin
Ron
Good read. I think I needed to hear something like this today. It makes me feel less guilty that my marriage is failing miserably. It helps explain some of the things that my wife was/is feeling when she told me that she no longer loves me anymore and wants out.
Agree with Gina in the very first post on this topic, as this relates back to the discussions on the reasons we are attracted to someone in the first place. Often it’s to help heal the childhood wounds we have, so the very things that subconciously attract us can be a source of frustration and the reason we feel unhappy once the infatuation wears off. Like Sarah Liz’s comment as well about no-one is responsible for your happiness except you, so if you’re unhappy, look at yourself first, not at your spouse if you really want to improve things.