A.K.A.
What I Learned from Not Having Sex With My Husband
I’m embarrassed to write this post. I am because it’s a post about failure. No one likes to admit they are a failure. At the same time, I’m always telling aspiring writers that readers eat up stories about failure as greedily as most people consume chocolate covered potato chips. Stories about failure make readers feel normal.
That doesn’t make them any easier to write.
But here goes. As many of you know, I pledged last week to have sex with my husband 7 days in a row. It was part of the One Extraordinary Marriage 7 Days of Sex Challenge.
This is what I learned from failing that challenge.
- Sex challenges are still worth the trouble, even if you fall short of your goal. We only managed to have sex 3 days out of 7, but that was still much better than our usual. I’m not telling you what our usual has been because it’s even more embarrassing than admitting to failing a 7-day sex challenge. Let’s just say that this sex challenge has reinvigorated my sex life despite the fact that I failed it miserably.
- If you are committed to the cause, you can and will find a way to make sex happen. It’s all about priorities. Early in the week, I was super committed. So when I realized I was developing a urinary tract infection, I got creative. That’s all I’m telling you about that. Later in the week, after we’d already missed a day and had blown the streak, I didn’t get creative, which is why we then missed night after night after night.
- Even having sex just three days in a row will improve your sex life. It breaks you out of your rut and nudges you to try new things in the bedroom.
- The more sex you have, the more sex you want. I initiated sex Sunday evening even though the challenge was over and it wasn’t our usual sex night. I was in the mood, and my body was ready–no foreplay required. It was really freaky.
- It’s good to switch roles. Usually I’m the lower drive partner and my husband is the guy who can’t get enough. Well, on one night, our kid just wouldn’t go to sleep. She had a loose tooth that she would not stop wiggling. Eventually she got it out, but the process took hours. Once she finally nodded off, I told him, “Okay, I know it’s late, but I’m ready. How about you?” He responded, “How about we just go to bed?” I felt like a frumpy old lady, and in that moment I realized exactly how he feels whenever he initiates and I tell him I’m too tired.
- Sex requires communication. We missed two nights because one of us was not home. We could have coordinated things better.
- There’s a difference between withholding sex and being too angry to have sex. We missed another night because my husband said something snide and then I said something snide back and before we knew it I was walking out of the bedroom and sleeping somewhere else for the night. In the future, we’ll both work on our Verbal Foreplay Skills.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know , but I think the old saying “It’s the thought that counts” really doesn’t help here does it? Failing at something is terrible, not trying is what you live to regret.
So true, the thought does count, since for most women, sex is a mind thing.
And cheers to what was learned in the seven day challenge!
Yes, it is and always will be about priorities and how we wrap our lives around them. Being “creative” can add an unexpected zing to any challenge.
My husband and I have a weekly date on Wednesday and it can sometimes be really tough to get in the mood midweek. One time we slipped into the no-tell motel aka “the riding academy” like guilty lovers and we giggled our way into the heart shaped tub. The laughing loosened us up and the sex was great.
I meant to say can make you feel terrible. Sorry for the error.
Top of the afternoon all.
It is now Wednesday afternoon. I have to be out of the office all day tomorrow. I would like to write my sermon today. Naturally, I am here instead.
Alisa – In regard to item #3, trying new things is never bad. As I have said before, whipped cream is not just for the kitchen, and handcuffs are not just for the police. In regard to item #7, I do understand how snarky and snide remarks can put a damper on the evening. Still, I do not believe that such remarks should ever cause one to leave the bed. The marital bed is joint property. No one member of a couple has more right to it than the other. As well, no one member of the couple has unequal responsibility to it. Unless something serious has happened in the marriage such that sharing a bed is no longer possible, neither husband nor wife should ever abandon the bed for another place to sleep. Wear pajamas if you are not in the mood.
Worded slightly differently, I would rather share a bed with my wife, even when I am upset with her, than sleep alone.
RavSean
I think it’s great you did the Sex Challenge!
I like that you “got creative,” I think that’s the key to great and consistent sex. It is about prioritizing it, but I can’t imagine doing that with a kid in the house–God Bless all parents!
This post made me laugh in a good way and again, thank you for sharing your journey!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
We couldn’t do a 7-day challenge if we wanted to. Hubby’s a trucker and only home on weekends. Now, while he’s definitely interested that first night, depending on how late he gets home, we occasionally just go to sleep. So for us, 2 nights a week is the norm, though not by choice.
But so much of what you said is very true – we need to make the effort – both spouses – and unless we truly just cannot keep our eyes open, or we’re sick, there’s honestly no reason to say no (for us) so we don’t. We joke around, flirt and tease, whatever works to build a mood of wanting to “play”.
From there, it’s a matter of getting creative and just letting go. We communicate better, we tell each other what we do or don’t like, we take the time to give pleasure – not worrying about receiving. And I have learned, the more you give, the more likely your spouse is to want to give just as much.
I have noticed that things we like having done to us are the things we do for others … say for instance, a woman enjoys having her back lightly scratched – the sensual, tingly sensation is arousing to her – and because she enjoys it, because she thinks it feels good, she will do that to her spouse. Paying attention to what our spouses do with us is an excellent way to find out what they may enjoy having done to them.
Get creative – think outside the “box” … if you keep your love/sex life sparked, every now and then you’ll get a blaze going (weekend get-away, lovers only, bring the lingerie, and whatever “turns you on”) that amazingly enough makes your entire relationship seem and feel so much more content. And because of that, you’ll put in more of an effort to avoid those ruts completely – JMO
Hi all…
Sarah Liz – after the birth of our second child, the obstetrician asked my wife what she intended to use for birth control. Jennifer promptly answered: “exhaustion!” It can be exceedingly difficult to find the time when there is a child around the house. The good news is that the kids grow up.
More seriously though, exhaustion is a factor. Bear in mind though that very few marriages that suffer because the dishes were left in the sink overnight. Sometimes, we have to cast caution to the wind in that regard. Get a lock for the bedroom door. When a child knocks, gently send the child back to bed without answering the door. It is difficult at first, but the children get the message quickly enough. The other option is to hire a babysitter every once in a while. If we are willing to hire a babysitter to go to the movies, then we should be willing to hire a babysitter to stay home. Send the babysitter with the child to the movies. Spouses can meet each other for a lunchtime quickie at a hotel by the office. The options are there. Take advantage of them.
If you think trying to find time with children around is difficult, try typing with a cat standing on the keyboard. I think I found his typos. That cat has no sense of grammar.
Have an erotic evening everyone (my wife told me I can say that).
RavSean
Wonderfully honest and useful post, Alisa. It took courage. Thanks for posting it.
Leo´s last [type] ..The Habit Course- A Simple Method for Powerful Habits
Honey, it gets better. When you get to my age (58), there are no kids, plenty of sleep, life is easier, no contraception, no periods (menopause fixed that, as well as no migraines). My husband is my best friend and, at our age, I KNOW he isn’t going to stray. He wants me, he loves taking me to bed. Gosh I wish it had been like this when we were younger, but maybe it took this many years and all that experience for us to know exactly what each other likes and how to be really good at it lol. Hang in there !!
Alisa; I just read your book, Happily Ever After Project, and I know we’re soul sistas!!
I appreciated your candid style; it’s so brave to put yourself out there. But when you do, it gives people implicit invitation to also share their imperfections and struggles. I’ve been married to my own frog prince for 17 years, and we endured a lot of blood, sweat and tears before discovering that marriage required work every single day. I’m also a freelance writer and a mother of 3 …. too bad we don’t live next door! So glad to have read this book and found the blog. Thank you!
Well its a great thought , but what do you do when the other person does not want to engage??
TB– That’s a bigger, different issue, one that usually means there are bigger problems in your relationship. A vacant sex life is a symptom of an illness in your marriage. The question isn’t, “Why won’t you have sex?” It’s, “What causes you not to have interest in sex?” Getting to the bottom of that with a heartfelt discussion might provide you with the answers you need to fix the problem. Good luck!
Great post
@Joanne I’m with you. To not strive for any goal, especially in marriage, is worse than not trying at all.
@Alisa “there are bigger problems in your marriage” I agree wholeheartedly! Sometimes being confronted with a situation like your 7 day challenge, brings the whole thing to the forefront and allows one the opportunity to really look at what the issue REALLY is. To out into words exactly what the problem is, Which is a good thing as in @TB’s case
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 5
You want to talk about what is really tragic it’s when you’ve tried through years using counseling, self-help research, and even psychologists; come to the point where you finally accept that you cannot improve your marriage enough to make it work and you BOTH have finally given up to find that now he regrets not having seen and appreciated all I did and how little I asked for in return. What a waste, it’s too late now and I told you so is a very hollow victory.
I am ignorant of how blogs work — please confirm if comments are anonymous.
Nancy–whatever name you put in when you leave the comment is the name that shows up. So, for instance, of you put Anonymous for your name, that is what will show up.
My husband and I have just started trying to get pregnant and given that I’m a little older than the spring chickens who fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, we are following my ovulation cycle. So, for 10 days of every month (just so we make sure), we are busy busy. And it has been fabulous for us!! I find that at the end of the 10 days I seem to become the ‘higher needs’ partner. The tides turn and hubby has been heard to ask if “we can just go to bed to sleep tonight….please”. Lol! When we first started, the focus was definitely on getting pregnant and this gave us a great reason to get into action but now, it has really given us our spark back and we know we CAN make time and space for it if we make an effort.
Usually the woman would be the one to deny the man as far as the sex goes, and recently it has been the opposite! He, is on antidepressants, and a side effect is low libido. This makes me feel extremely unwanted!! What do i do in this situation?!!
Hi all…
Jaschell – What to do in this situation? I would start by treating it as a medical issue. Have a chat with your husband’s doctor. You need to hear it from a medical person that the anti-depressants do cause problems. There are numerous anti-depressants out there. the art of medicine is to see which works the best for any given situation. See what happens after that.
Good luck.
RavSean
@ Jaschell and RavSean:
I have been denied a marital sex life since 2002, due to my husband’s weight gain and the NUMEROUS prescribed medications he takes. I have asked my husband’s internist and his urologist to PLEASE help us by trying alternate meds. Not sure if they are unwilling to try or if the situation is too far gone, but one won’t and the other wants to see a prolonged weight loss before he’ll bother to address the issue.. I have begged, pleaded, raged, and now, long given up. The E.D. has given my husband permission to ignore me, and I think he considers any other form of “pleasuring” me to be disgusting since he will not do it.
We haven’t slept in the same bedroom for years. He won’t hug me or cuddle on the couch. I have told him many times how rejected and alone this makes me feel.
I have sunk to the bottom of depression over this, but it is my life and I am trying to live it. I am now 3-1/2 years sober, thank God for his grace.
I am trying to live up to my marital vows, but it is getting more and more difficult. My husband considers his situation to be “sickness” — I do not.
I long to be desired, to feel adored, to feel treasured.
I am in good health, active, and fit. Everything I read says that it is OK to want a good sex life. If my husband will not give it to me, is that grounds for divorce? Am I selfish to think this way?
Dear Nancy:
I have to chime in here. A marriage is supposed to be life affirming based on love, trust, intimacy and shared goals. The fact that your husband won’t consider other forms of pleasuring you is in fact the selfish act. Just to add a disclaimer, I myself am in the process of a divorce because after 16 years of trying I could not get my husband to understand how important physical intimacy was to my emotional well being and after many years of marriage counseling my husband just didn’t want to meet that need. Our marriage is over because I deserve happiness and fulfillment also. At the worst point of feeling undesired I ballooned to 225 pounds. Now that I have taken my life back and accepted that it was his problem not mine, I am fit and starting to build a life for myself.
Hi all…
I hate to answer certain questions. Yes – withholding intimacy is grounds for divorce.
Now that I am thinking about it, there is more going on than just withholding intimacy. A failure to consider other meds, to try other forms of pleasure, etc., is beyond just withholding intimacy. It is also an absolute denial of your feelings in this matter. That is a problem as well.
RavSean