AKA
How to Build a Bridge
Years ago, a young kid who took art classes from my mom told me that his mother’s favorite expression was, “Build a bridge and get over it.”
At the time I was in my early 20s. I had no idea what that expression meant. Then lots of life happened during the next 20 years. Now I understand it completely, especially when it comes to human relationships and particularly when it comes to marriage.
Many times the idea of fairness is like a huge ravine that separates you from a happy marriage (and happiness in general). There you are on one side of the ravine. There’s your ideal marriage on the other. In between is fairness, and it has got jagged rocks and lots of white water that is freezing cold and filled with piranha. (I’m pretty sure piranha are only found in warm water, but this is my blog so they can swim anywhere as far as I am concerned). You couldn’t swim through it and get to the other side if you were a Navy Seal.
So you feel stuck, and feeling stuck is darn frustrating.
It’s frustrating to come to blogs like mine and read that I think you ought to become the change you want to see in your marriage. You think, “That’s not fair. My good-for-nothing spouse is the person who needs to change!” Then you think, “What does she know? She’s not married to my spouse!”
Then you have a nice long conversation with yourself about how there’s no way this solution could possibly work for you because there’s no possible way that something this unfair could possibly ever work.
Except it does.
It’s only once you can release the idea of fairness that you will be able to embrace the idea of bigness. It takes a big person – one who is humble, kind, patient, generous, forgiving, and willing to grow and embrace change – to build a bridge that will lead both you and your spouse to happiness.
Are you willing to be big?
Explore the answer to that question in the comments. I’ll be giving away a copy of Queen of Your Own Life to one lucky commenter.
Go to Save Your Marriage, part 1.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I was until he left, then i still tried to be big, but after almost 3 months I am wearing thin. I still plan on trying to be big as long as I can though because I know in the end that will serve my children and I best.
Oh yes, fairness was everything to me for a long time! I seethed with the desire for it, lived in the dark place, had countless arguments with my husband over it. I’m learning slowly, and with difficulty, it’s far better for me to let go of it and be a contented person, to be the person I want to be. If I think of where he’s coming from, how differently his family interacted with each other than mine did, that he’s clutter-blind, that he can’t read minds…things go so much more smoothly.
I hate that this is true, but it is. I find it so unfair that it isn’t fair that I can’t get past that. It is sort of like having bad anxiety or being depressed and being anxious about being anxious or being depressed about being depressed. It is absolute crazy-making. This is why my biggest problem is trying to figure out why I won’t allow myself to be happy which is ultimately up to me and has little to do with the things my husband does that annoy the life out of me. It is the decision to give someone else that much power and not use that energy on myself. oy vey!
When he first told me that he “didn’t love me like he used to” (his words), I was so blinded by pain and disbelief that I didn’t/couldn’t see for a long time how my behavior contributed to his unhappiness. And thus mine. I didn’t even realize just how unhappy I was in our marriage. I know that probably sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. (I have had issues with depression though for years, predating our relationship).
He first agreed to go with me to counseling to “let me down easy”. His main goal being an amicable divorce. We only had a couple of sessions and things seemed to change some, but it still feels like to me that I have to take the first step in talking about things. He is not really one to talk about his feelings unless they involve sex, or lack thereof.
I am extremely stubborn though and I will NOT give up.
“It takes a big person – one who is humble, kind, patient, generous, forgiving, and willing to grow and embrace change – to build a bridge that will lead both you and your spouse to happiness.”
Thank you for my new mantra. I am going to write this quote down, and read it every day. Every time I start to wallow in self-pity and the unfairness throughout the day, I will read it again. Hopefully the daily (or hourly) reminders will help me to find the actual materials needed to keep ‘building the bridge’.
Ok, So I get the Changes in myself idea, I get the bridge idea. What I dont get though is when you feel like you really have done these things and it brings no change. I can accept that no marriage is the perfect ideal one there are always going to be the ups and downs. I know someone has to be the bigger person and willing to be “Big” I have been and continue to try to be. Let me explain my situation.
A couple of years back my husband admitted a perscription drug problem. Now, I had been suspisous of this and had tried to find proof (very good at hiding stuff). I had caught him in a few lies like stopping the mail to our house to hide bills. Finally one day I got a bill that he swore he paid, the bill stated that he called and got an extension on time to pay. So I asked him again about it he said he paid it so, I show him the statement. Everything was catching up with him and he couldn’t lie no more so finially he admitted the problem.
At first my reaction was telling him to go, leave, That i was done that we were done. I would not put up with it I couldn’t beleive how selfish he had been. Of course he was saying he was sorry and that he wanted help. I wanted that to fall on deaf ears…however I couldn’t let it. I had the sense enough to tell him. OK, you have a problem that I can not help you with. You have to want the help and you have to get the help. I told him that if he was serious I would not go anywhere while he is getting the help that he needs. I would do what i could to support his recovery. We got married and yes through good times and bad. This was why I stayed Because it was a bad time. What kind of wife would i be if I had walked away from him with an addiction/illness. I made it clear though that when the time was right and he was clean and good that we would have to work on us. I told him that trust had to be restablished that we would need some marriage therapy.
He has been clean for 2 years now. I have given him time and space and have not harped on him. I have tried to talk about the changes that we need to work on now as a couple, and as parents of 3 amazing kids. I have asked for the counseling for us and he thinks it would do more harm to us than good. I continue to try to do what is good and supportive to him and his needs as a recovering narcotics addict.
I know i am far from perfect. Nobody is. I know that it is both give and take and not at equal amounts. However, on the build of this “bridge” One person can not do it all. At some point, the one building needs to be able to call on the team and say hey, I need help supporting this beam and know that help is there. Not have to wait until whenever for help to arrive. Though i will continue to do it all for now…
It is also important to release expectations. Your spouse may not use the bridge you build. Or your spouse may only use it for superficial access rather than to connect deeply. A spouse who is in Monster of midlife crisis or is a narcissist or going through some other turmoil where he or she feels veangeful may even try to burn your bridge in order to hurt you. That way you will get the message that he or she really means it–or you’ll get a more accurate message that they don’t intend: He’s NUTS! (MLCers are nuts)
Another metaphor is to be a Lighthouse. There is a beautiful story posted on various forums that is written specifically for left behind spouses. Here is a link that should go directly to that post on my forum.
http://mlcforum.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/our-community/resources-standing-actions/msg20081/#msg20081
I didn’t write it and have searched for a source to no avail. I just keep finding repostings.
When a spouse leaves and/or cheats, the betrayed/left behind spouse (LBS) often thinks that it is the betrayer who needs to change. The LBS may become upset or defensive since ‘he’s the one cheating, leaving, doing wrong…’ She may even think that the advice to build a bridge, be the change, be the lighthouse… implies she is somehow responsible for the infidelity.
Change is a constant of life. Building a bridge is about communicating with respect, honouring the other person and yourself, honouring relationships not only for the purpose of your relationship with that person, but for the relatioships related to your relationship with that person. Build a bridge to or with your spouse for your children,build a bridge to or with your parents for your siblings…
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Meditation I- Focus & Redirection
Struggling,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are right that one person cannot do it all.
People often say that you can’t save your marriage alone. Well, though one person cannot do it all, that statement about not being able to save your marriage alone is false. I’ve done it, seen it done and help those doing it. But at some point the partner does need to step onto the bridge and meet in the middle. The Standing spouse works alone until the partner is ready and willing to work together. Standing is solitairy, rebuilding/reconciling is a partnership.
Wow, your husband is a recovering addict! Congratulations to him. And now that he is a recovering addict–though always one day at a time–it’s time to direct focus and energy onto your relationship. So why is he avoiding?
Well, it could be the sterotypical guy thing about avoiding feelings…
Maybe he feels shame and guilt for his addiction days
Maybe he fears what might surface in counseling–he might learn things he doesn’t like about himself?
Maybe he is afraid he might learn things you don’t like about him or things he doesn’t like about you. Maybe he’s afraid to tell you what he doesn’t like about you and thinks he will have to do it.
Maybe he’s afraid that the two of you will learn you are not compatible–thus counseling will initiate the end.
I think that last one is a big reason people avoid counseling. They are afraid the counselor will think they should never have got together, they are incompatible and were always doomed.
And unfortunately counseling is often fatal. I believe in it, but at the same time I am beyond a little wary. I asked one counselor I was pre-interviewing what is assumptions were about a new couple. Did he atumatically assume they might not make it simply because they were coming to counseling. He was honest. He acknowledged that is not what should happen, but said counselors know that statistically couples come to them 3 years to late…and thus they may have an assumptive bias.
So is counseling fatal because couples seek help too late or because counselors think they seek help too late and thus do not believe a couple can recover…thereby steering them toward divorce?
Here is a n article about the hazards of marriage counseling.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html
The author of that article now offers a registry of marriage friendly therapists–versus therapists who take a neutral stance. His main website is http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/
What is their besides counseling? Maybe your way of seeking help and rebuilding is not the same as his way? Maybe what works for you doesn’t work for him or if it would work it doesn’t matter because it won’t appeal to him so he won’t ever try it.
Has he said why he think conseling would be damaging? Does he generalize all counseling as damaging?
I found I was scared too. As a Stander I went in and firmly told the counselor that divorce was not an option; we were there to help our marriage not destroy it. Counselors may follow what they think a couple wants and many go to find out what they should do…we thought we’d stop by your office on our way to the divorce attorney… That shows a couple is willing to accept and seek a divorce. Hey, sometimes that is necessary. But too willing may mean they are less believing in the possibility of rebuilding even if that would be their preference.
Your husband is probably scared of what he will learn in counseling and he doesn’t want to face his flaws–especially his feelings of guilt and shame regarding his addiction.
So what can you do?
Do you attend al-anon or similar meetings? I don’t know anything about dealing with addicts, but they do.
Think of several things you can do that might serve as alternatives to counseling. Al-anon might be one of those, or they might be helpdul with giving you some ideas of alternatives.
I am so sorry. Sweetheart was not an addict, so I don’t know what that part is like. But I do know what it is like to be the only one trying to improve or even save the relationship while the other does nothing…or in my case seeks to destroy it.
HUGS
RCR
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Meditation I- Focus & Redirection
I really get this, and I am glad I read it today. My husband and I got into a classic arguement about the speed in which he does the dishes after I cooked a fantastic and fancy meal. It seems as though he is incapable of washing pots or pans for at least 24 hours after digestion. Quite frankly, it pisses me off, and I told him so. He seemed hurt, and angry. This morning he is still hurt, and sulking.
I know what is fair. If I spend the better part of a day preparing a nice meal, he can spend 20 minutes after dinner cleaning it up. But, I also think that I need to build a bridge and show him that I love and respect him, and that I appreciate the things he does and the contributions he makes.
This blog has convinced me, today I apologize for my dirty pot freak out.
I have my mother to thank for getting the life isn’t fair concept. From the time I was old enough to understand, if I complained that something wasn’t fair my mom would tell me “life isn’t fair”. At first I really hated that momism. Now it has served me well. It is not fair that I have to deal with all the complications of a diabetic husband. So life is not fair. It’s not fair that I can’t have my own children. So life’s not fair. It is all in perspective. I think when you see things that are not fair you have to turn it into something good. My husbands diabetes is unfair but a way to teach our children responsibility. We can’t have kids so we are adopting kids that have not had a fair life. You make your life what it is fair or not.
Rollercoasterider~
When my husband started hid drug recovery he was seeing therapists 3 days a week. One strictly for the drug abuse, and one for his personal issues that lead him into drugs. He went 3 days a week for about 3 months, Then went down to 2 days a week for 3 mo also. Finally for a year and a half it was just the drug use therapist 2 times a month. I urged him to keep seeing the regular therapist because I knew he needed to deal with his personal issues from the past. He went back to the regular therapist for about a month. During the times of therapy I would ask him how it went not pushing for to much information he did say in there that the therapist told him that even though I am staying with him while he gets help it dosen’t mean i will stay. That when I realize all that he has done it may make me change my mind about him. Of course that was not the best idea to tell a patient. I think that is part of the procrastination on going back to the therapist.
I do want my marriage to work out my parents were married 33 year whens my mother passed away. He reassures me that he too wants the marriage to work, he does tell me I love you and he hugs me and gives me kisses, tells me i am pretty all of that. The problem he does have is being an Adult with me in this house. Literally the only thing that he does is go to work. I need him to follow thru with adult responsabilities. Like getting his address changed on his driver license (2 years ago we moved), Following up with the Mortgage guy who was trying to help us buy the house we rent those sort of things. Thank you for your thoughts and links i will look into those.
Great stuff Alisa,
I have always enjoyed the postings on “do you want fair or do you want happy”?
@ Angila…We must have had the same mom..lol Mine always said the same. I think that is one of my favorite momisms also. Well that one & “If little Johnny jumped off the bridge would you jump off the bridge too”? I always wanted to say ‘Yep sure would”. But hey, I didn’t like smacks upside the head…lol
You are both right that life in general is not always fair. So why should marriage be? It is part of life. Things that are unfair just happen. Like Angela we have had to deal with horrific medical issues.
I can either sit & sulk over how unfair it is or I can accept them & try to make the best of the situation. So, like many things in life, it comes down a choice. We may not choose the situation but we can choose how we handle it.
Another ROCKIN post Alisa
Ron
Struggling,
It sounds your husband has made a lot of progress. There is a difference between trying and doing and your husband actually ‘did.’ Though that sounds a bit funny grammatically!
You are also at a great advantage in seeking counseling together in that both of you are not going to find out what you should do regarding whether to stay married or not–a common reason people seek counseling. It’s not your last resort. That attitude makes a difference. I also understand your husband’s ambivalnece given what the therapist said. NOw, that may be what was said or it may be how he interpreted the therapists words, but either way it scared him. The therapist may have thought he was giving a healthy warning to prepare your husband not for you to leave, but instead to work on your relationship to prevent such a thing.
Example: People on my site are upset when others say that divorced couples have less chance of reconciling than those who have not made a separation legal. Well, the statistics (by the way I don’t rellay like statistics) may support that. And maybe a divorce is a psychological barrier to reconciliation. So people give warnings about it. The intentions are well-meaning. So maybe the therapist was being inappropriate and unprofessional, or maybe he was being well-intentioned. Sorry, I try to see all sides which can annoy people!
Being an adult huh…do you both work outside of the home–or have income sources?
I’ve never had that problem with Sweetheart. He is so wonderful about doing work at home…dream wonderful. (I’m smiling just thinking about him now) But there are some things and the driver’s license…um yeah he refused to change his address for a few years because he didn’t want to pay for the new license! Hard working: yes Cheap: yes
But now I guess a person can change their address in the system without having to get a new physical ID made–so not cost.
Dealing with procrastination…I don’t know. What do you think, is he just being lazy and procrastinating or is there a deeper reason he is avoiding those things?
It’s tough because you don’t want to enable by doing everything for him and you don’t want to be a nag…And there are somethings you have just got to do…like if it’s his job to clean the litterbox and he doesn’t do it! UGH
But it sounds like you (you plural) have a lot going for you because both of you want to your marriage to work. That’s a great starting ground.
HUGS,
RCR
Yes, everything is true. Its time to reflect
Mary Quemagrasas´s last [type] ..El Acido Clorogénico
Wow, good question, are we willing to big? Patient, forgiving, humble & kind–all great qualities to embrace! Thanks for a good reminder of how to deal with others.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I just wanted to state something:
Obviously, even though I’m no longer married, I still take what I read here and apply it to other areas of my life.
I think marriage can be, and at least was for me, one of our greatest (biggest) teachers…..
How I did, or did not conduct myself, at various times in throughout my marriage made me really reflect on how I want to conduct myself with others NOW.
Learning what I did right or wrong, and where I needed to grow, and keep growing now…..
I learned so much and I’m still learning about marriage while watching others try to repair theirs or improve it.
I’m taking what I learned (from my marriage) and using it to improve my life over all, which I think that is one of Alisa’s goal, even for those of us who were unable to save our own marriages.
I am truly inspired by those that can, and do, save a marriage, and have the guts to keep trying–my hats off to all of you! It is hard work, but ultimately worth it for most.
This is such a fantastic blog with inspirational reads, great reminders and a wonderful community of kinship and understanding! Yay!
I always knew I’d follow Alisa even after divorce, but I never realized how fitting her posts are even without a marriage. I hope that’s a compliment, because it’s meant to be.
Everyone’s insights here are truly magnificent.
Have a wonderful day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I want happy so I guess I can’t have fair. Sniff, sniff. That is going to take some working on to sink in.
Struggling For Ever After: Congrats! You won the copy of Queen of Your Own Life. I just send an email to the address you used with your comment. Email me your address. Thanks!
Building a bridge is a team effort. You need to work together every step of the way to achieve a happy marriage. It is possible it just takes hard work and patience!
Great post and comments. I have started building a bridge, it would be nice if my wife would CHOOSE to pick up a hammer and help. For now I am worrying about myself and moving forward with or without her. I will end up growing as a person and into the best father and husband that I can be. Anything can happen, she can choose to stay in and work at this marriage or pack up and go.
I struggle with fairness. I thought marriage would be a 50/50 partnership when it comes to money, companionship etc and sharing the stress of it all. But its’ not been that way and I feel resentment due to the injustice of it all. I carry more load then he does & I didn’t want to. I have no idea how many times I’ve said “It’s not fair”. So, I realize after thinking about it, I’ve not been ‘big’. I’ve been mad as hell and destroying what tiny bridge was there because it’s not fair and I’m tired of being the strong one, so what does it matter.
This week, I feel about ready to obliterate what is left due to lack of fairness, and today, here was your post.. and I realize, I haven’t taken that step to ending it all (as I was wanting to do on Monday) because I really do want to bridge back to what we used to be. Thank you for this post.
As a mother you learn to be selfless, we always carry the load. Men think they are to because they have been programmed that his job is to provide for his family. LoL! when my husband cooks we eat out. I always thank him and tell him I love his cooking.I have accepted life is not fair. It is ok. I am always the bigger person and never stoop to the level of others. I live my life my way. No matter what anyone thinks.. the other day I was talking to another mother and she was saying how she freaked out on her kid because he didnt make his bed. I told her that is so trivial. Who really cares. There are bigger things to worry about. I mean really. When you have a hubby and children you learn to build many bridges. You have to be flexible to changes. Life is not fair. It never will be. My son doesnt have to make his bed. I am sure his friend thinks thats not fair. If we dont teach our hubby and our kids to be flexible, then they are not able to build these bridges. I can build a bridge and get over it, but I do not keep the negative people in my life.
I think this is the biggest stumbling block to my marriage. In fact I’m sitting here writing this right now thinking. Dang it all we are in the middle of a war zone right now and if I want things to change I KNOW it will be me making the first step. So I’m going to let go of my resentment of this right darn tootin now.
I need to meditate more.
Maureen´s last [type] ..The Magic of Altruism- Step 1