AKA
The Karma Project
At least my kid thinks I'm a helpful person.
Back at the Port Authority, I stood on line waiting for my bus. It’s important for you to know that one’s place in line matters—at least it does to me. If you happen to be one of the people who got in line early and braved the heat and the stink of the Port Authority for 45 minutes or more, then you earned the privilege of picking out where you want to sit on the bus.
And on this day, I happened to get in line early, which meant there were only a few people in front of me.
On this day, the Port Authority was seriously stinky, too. It was the kind of stinky that makes one think, “I’m showering as soon as I get home.”
About 10 minutes before boarding time, a distraught guy walked up to all of us and told us that his bag had been stolen. He really seemed stressed out. I felt for him. He explained that he’d just spent an hour with the Port Authority police and that they could not help him. He had no ID, no credit card, no phone—no nothing. He just wanted to get home to Wilmington, DE. Note: I used to live in Wilmington, DE. I am one of the rare people on the planet who knows that Wilmington, DE is not a suburb of New Jersey.
But I digress.
He begged any kind passengers to help him make his $35 bus fair so he could get home.
At first I did what everyone else in line did. I tried to pretend that I was deaf and blind and that I could not see or hear the guy.
But he was really persistently pathetic. I thought he was going to start balling his eyeballs out.
And I also thought back over my day. I thought about the umbrella incident and the homeless man incident.
What follows are a series of thoughts that ran through my mind:
You promised!
But I don’t have any cash.
You have a credit card.
I can’t give him my credit card.
You can go upstairs and you can buy him a ticket.
But then I’d lose my place in line!
So what? If you’d shared your umbrella this morning, this wouldn’t be an issue.
Oh, fine.
I stepped out of line. I told the guy that I would walk upstairs with him and I would buy him a ticket. His face lit up and he thanked me profusely.
Then the passenger behind me in line handed the guy some bills. The guy looked at the money and then he said to me, “He just gave me all I need.” Then he thanked the passenger for his generosity and he walked away.
Two other passengers then spoke up and said, “That guy’s a con. He was here yesterday, and he gave us the same story.”
The wife of the passenger who had forked over $40 shook her head and said, “I KNEW he seemed too scripted! I can’t believe you gave him that much money!”
Her husband said, “I don’t care. That money will do someone some good. It will do him more good than it would have done me regardless of what he spends it on.”
And as I thought over the events of the day, I realized that I agreed. If we give with an expectation of how our gift will be used or spent, we are not truly being generous. It’s only by giving without expectation—and without regret—that we understand and practice true generosity.
And now that I’ve finally learned that lesson, I’ll see if I can put it into practice.
What do you think you would have done? Would you have shared your umbrella? Would you have helped the homeless guy? Would you have given money to the guy who said he wanted a bus ticket? Why or why not? How do you define generosity? What role does it play in your life and in your marriage?
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Having lived in NY, depending on the mood, you give to panhandlers if you have anything free. As far as the umbrella, it really depends. If a kid is involved, of course i would, if it was another person and i can guage their attitude, i might say yes. As for the man that lost his ticket, I dont know. They are so many crooks in NY and so many scams, i might have ignored him as well. NY makes skeptics out of a lot of people, myself included. But in my relationship, I am pretty selfless and it gives him many chances to take advantage of that. I hate to see other people suffer, even if i have to suffer to help them out. I am learning that i have to start putting myself first in certain situations and start saying no. Generosity does have its limits
I have to comment on this one so that you don’t feel like the only bad person. I grew up where Native American pan handlers were the norm and were drunks. My Dad still lives in my small hometown while I live in the city three hours away. My Dad comes down once or twice a week to pcik up things for his company. On those days I go eat at a local place with my Dad.
A couple months ago we finished eating and were walking out to our cars. An elderly Native American pan handler started to ask me for money. I walked past him and acted like he didn’t exist. So the elderly man asked my Dad for money. My Dad gave the man a couple five dollar bills. I sat in my car and watched the elderly man go into the resturant to eat. I felt like a horrible human being because that was a day I had cash on me.
I later had the opportunity to redeem myself. About two weeks later a young Native American man was stranded at the gas station where I was getting fuel. He asked me for money and I truly did not have any cash. I told him I was sorry and filled up my car. After I thought about it I walked over and told him I would prepay for $20 worth of gas so that he could get home. Once he filled up his car he came into the gas station and gave me a hug.
So Alisa I have been that person you described with the umbrella and the panhandler. We all will get the chance to be kind and generous. And just for the record I would not have shared my umbrella either.
Where I live, people come to our front door at least 3 to 5 times each weeks asking for cash. There are a group of regulars who show up every week. They each have a story. This one is ill, this one is collecting for a poor persons wedding, this one needs money for food.
My policy is to give each and every person who comes something. Its usually one dollar (equivalent). Sometimes its up to three or four dollars. I don’t ask questions. If they feel the need to come around and ask, then I’ll give something.
Charity is about giving without thinking about the consequences. If you can spare the cash, it may do someone else a world of good. How are you to know. Call it Karma, Fate or Divine intervention. A good deed seems to come back positively, even if its only in how you feel about yourself. The reverse is true when you doubt your actions. What’s that saying? Virtue is its own reward. Trite, but true.
Hi Everyone…
Alisa, you mentioned something in Buddhist tradition about the enlightened one perhaps being the wet guy on the bus with you. I have to stwep into Rabbi mode here. If you take a look in Genesis 37, Jacob sends his son Joseph to find his brothers. They are in the town of Nablus, a good 75 miles from home. Joseph gets there, but they have moved up the road another 20 miles. He asks a stranger if he has seen them. The stranger says that they moved on.
Joseph finds his brothers. They sell him off to a tribe of passing Midianites. The Midianites bring him to Egypt. He ends up as Pharaoh’s vizier. He saves Egypt from a famine. His brothers come looking for food. They find their brother. The family moves down to Egypt. Eventually, their descendants become slaves. They leave a couple of centuries later. Passover begins next week. We will mark that departure from slavery.
The stranger in the field is in the Bible for all of three verses. He tells Joseph to go to the corner and turn to the north. As a result, history changes. The stranger in the field does not have a name.
We never know the impact of what the most simple exchange can be. Always be careful, and greet everyone with a happy face.
RavSean
Living close to New Orleans this is something we see a lot. Their are a LOT of scams by severe alcoholics. It is a real struggle for me. I have always been a giving person & after what my beloved & I have been through have a real sense of empathy. So I have just decided to give when I have. If it is then used on drinks then that is a choice THEY made & I am not responsible. Whereas if they are really hungry & I don’t help then I am responsible. It may be wrong thinking but it is what I feel in my heart.
Although I haven’t been to N. O. much lately. I will be there more often now as all the big Festivals have started. My band plays most of them. Sure beats playing the bars & the pay is MUCH better…lol Oh & I didn’t know the N Y Port Authority had a bad odor. You should check out Bourbon Street in New Orleans. PEEEEYOUUUUU!!! Then again I haven’t been there in 10years either.
Keep on ROCKIN
Ron
Always entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unaware.
I would share my umbrella and I would share my extra without regard to whether the person was bogus or not. The sin would be his not mine. We are all our brothers keeper.
I always do or give something. I’m like that guy. I figure, it wasn’t doing anything in my wallet but sitting there. So no matter what the person does with what I give them, they probably need it more than I need it. I also always believe we crossed paths for a reason and the exchange was meant to happen. Who knows what will happen as a result of what I did. It’s like keeping my eyes open and being aware to all that happens to me because what I decide to do is a choice to participate in a cascade of events that could change so much in the world. If you look at it that way how could you NOT give what they asked for.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Comment on The Magic Shift by maureen
As a person who’s family has been through tough times, I find it hard to give to folks who ask. If they don’t ask, I’m more apt to offer and to give. My favorite giving opportunities are to hard-working waitresses at places like IHOP. It comes in the form of an outrageous tip, like $20 when the bill was for $10. I suppose it’s from my experience that those who do ask are perpetual askers. My generosity provides little more than a band-aid, but doesn’t really help the person in the long run. I’d rather support those who are interested in making their own lives better.
I loved your piece on the 10 recommendations for the royal couple. Why isn’t it here?
Alisa the fact that you realise you could do something else but did not blame the other person to feel more righteous was already a triumf. According to the Arbinger institute this is what most of us do. In order not to feel bad about our decision we moved our guilt and start to accuse the other party. In your case your inner good did triumph so congratulations! (If we could all reach this state were we just evaluated our actions truthfully- the world might be a better place!)
Marié´s last [type] ..Red and White and Quick handpiecing
Every year a local columnist in my neck of the woods, Jon Carroll, champions what he called The Untied Way. It works something like this: You go to your bank and withdraw an amount in $20 that leaves a bit of a sting ($100, $200) and every time you’re asked for cash that day you dole out the bills, no questions asked, no judgments given.
Just an act of charity from one human to another. The rest of the year, you’re free to give (or not) in ways that work for you. There’s something so direct and simple about this approach I find really appealing.
I think it’s okay to follow our instincts — and hearts — in these matters… I find myself naturally giving to elderly women, teenage runaways, and women with children, and not feeling as sympathetic towards younger men and people who clearly have substance abuse problems. I don’t want to support people’s addictions. Just a personal bias, but I’m comfortable with it as I figure other people have other biases and it all evens out.
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In reading your story I would have also shown compassion to him. I would have given him the money and then if I found out that he was a scam artist I would have not thought anything of it, because I gave the money with out any thought of the outcome. I would have given from my heart and that would have been the only thing that would have mattered.
lovedrive101.com
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