I wrote this post, in part, to celebrate my 12th wedding anniversary. I also wrote it as an answer to all of those people who comment, “Why does anyone bother to get married if it can get that bad?” whenever I am interviewed about my book.
1. It’s more rewarding to run a marathon than it is to walk to your mailbox. That’s because nearly anyone can walk to a mailbox. Only a few people have what it takes to run a marathon. Relationships are similar. It’s easy to love someone during easy times. It’s a lot more rewarding to love someone through hard times. Few couples without a legally binding marriage certificate find the perseverance to stay together during hard times.
2. Marriage allows you to take greater risks. My husband, for instance, would not have opened his dream business had he not been able to lean on me to support him financially for three years. I probably would not have agreed to support him financially for that long had he only been my boyfriend and not my husband.
3. It often takes many years of marriage before two people can become honest enough to tell one another what they really need to hear. Marriage provides the painful feedback that is necessary for personal growth.
4. The Planning the Funeral Phase of Marriage does not last the entire marriage.
5. Few couples who have been married for 30, 40, 50 or more years tell me that they regret sticking it out.
6. Your spouse might be capable of hating you more than anyone. But your spouse is also capable of loving you more than anyone.
7. Marriage provides you with continual opportunities to grow. The harder it is for you to make things work, the better of a person you will become.
8. When you are old and you can no longer remember things, your spouse just might be able to remember them for you.
9. Two people can more easily amass a nest egg together than either could ever do separately.
10. Your spouse can make you strong where you are weak. For instance, I am not good at pest control. Nor am I good at automobile maintenance or lawn care. My husband is good at these things. Similarly, my husband is not good at financial planning, paper work, or conflict resolution. I am good at all of these things.
11. Your spouse might not know how to love you, but you can teach him or her how.
12. Most of what you fight about now will eventually become something you laugh about later.
Why do you think it’s important to fight for your marriage? Or why do you think it’s not?
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
This is my favorite one: “It’s more rewarding to run a marathon than it is to walk to your mailbox.” Thanks so much for that perspective!
LOVED this one Alisa. I’ll bet we could all list many reasons. If I had to narrow it down to one I would say
” It is easy to be in love, be passionate, be loving, be caring & have HOT sex early in a marriage when you only see your spouse at their best. It is more rewarding to do all that, after seeing your spouses soiled underwear, after seeing them throw up & after seeing them at their worst”. That is a challenge that brings MANY rewards for a lifetime together
Oh by the way my beloved & I have our 10th anv this week as well.
I love your comment Drummer Guy. It really is different after you have seen your spouse during their worst time. I have seen my husband with a stomach virus made really bad by diabetes. And all the nastiness that goes with it. My husband has seen me as a big tough woman who works with troubled children curled in a ball snotty and crying. Yet we both still find each other sexy. It is amazing how much more you can love someone after getting through the worst things.
After 26 years of marriage, your list is spot on Alisa. As for me, I’m so glad I bothered to get married – and my hope is many others feel this way, too.
Well, you’ve given very valid reasons for sticking it out. I’ll be married 30 years this August, and they all resonate with me, especially number 6 (I don’t think my spouse hates me more than anyone, but I do know he loves me more than anyone does…my dog and my kids, though, are closely tied :0)
sheryl´s last [type] ..What Did You Say
locate what fears are causing you to want to leave your partner. and work on those.
ethan anderson´s last [type] ..website
These are great. They are so practical as well as about enjoyability. I guess I’m not so practical when giving my reasons. I wonder why that is. I have a list called Why Stand.
Oh, I see, looking at my list, it is first about Standing and so directed at situations in which the partner already wants out of the relationship. It’s also not about working on a marriage or reconciling because those are what happens later when both partner’s want to work on the marriage and rebuild together. My top reason is love, but I also list things like a moral opposition to divorce along with the typical vows cited—better and worse, sickness and health, ‘til death… those are each a bullet point. I talk about faith in the spouse who left to return having changed and grown and about knowing you are supposed to be together. And I talk about learning and growing for one’s Self; two people becoming whole so they can complement each other rather than complete each other.
But wow, I love the practicality and logic of your list. Maybe they are just lists that are for different circumstances. Your list is like a great pro list for why people should get and be married. My list doesn’t seem to apply for why to get married and I think reading your list is a good change in perspective for me. It is about the advantage of being married versus not being married in general rather than about being married versus being divorced.
Thanks
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Does Dr Phil Understand Midlife Crisis
Yes! I do think it is important to fight to save your marriage. Not every marriage, though. That’s the sticking point. A friend has a husband who is manic depressive, who told her he is in love with another woman and who I feel really takes her for granted, undervalues her, and mistreats her. I wonder if that is a marriage worth saving?! They weathered the current crisis (it was all in his mind and even though he told the other woman — the mom of her children’s friends — she responded by saying it was totally inappropriate and she did NOT feel the same way), another one will come soon. I wish she felt good enough about herself to leave that marriage, honestly. But in general I totally agree with you. I think our culture encourages people to give up too soon and too quickly. And then what happens? Second marriages are even more likely than first marriages to end in divorce…
Jennifer poses a good question. When is a marriage worth saving? I walked away from my first marriage and truly believe that had I read your book, things might have been different. People get into ruts, and you help them see the necessity of being the first to climb out and extend a hand to your husband or wife.
In my second marriage, I think this one is very relevant: “When you are old and you can no longer remember things, your spouse just might be able to remember them for you.”
Happy Anniversary!
Alexandra´s last [type] ..Wellfleet Renovates Main Street Sidewalks
Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated our 19th yesterday!
Claudine M Jalajas´s last [type] ..Marital Advice
From someone who couldn’t save her marriage:
Additional Reasons to Fight for your marriage:
13. Most good things in life are made even better when shared with someone you love.
14. Many hard times in your life are survived much better when you have someone to share the load.
15. At the end of the day when the world goes to sleep for the night, the silence can be deafening.
Lovely post, Alisa. Congratulations to you and your husband for working at something so worthwhile.
“Yes! I do think it is important to fight to save your marriage. Not every marriage, though. That’s the sticking point. A friend has a husband who is manic depressive, who told her he is in love with another woman and who I feel really takes her for granted, undervalues her, and mistreats her. I wonder if that is a marriage worth saving?” –Jennifer
“Jennifer poses a good question. When is a marriage worth saving?” –Alexandra
When one of the people in the marriage thinks it is worth saving and wants to save it.
Most of the people I deal with are dealing with spouses in midlife crises, but there are some of those who think it is MLC when it is something else like Bipolar disease—MLCers often seem Bipolar. For some it could be Bipolar exacerbated by MLC. Most of the situations involve infidelity—the kind where they are soul mates and run-off to live together. Friends and families think they should get out, give up and good riddance.
We all heard “why would you want to be married to someone who treats you like that?” and “he doesn’t deserve you.”
Well frankly I don’t care that he didn’t deserve me; I didn’t deserve divorce. I deserved the opportunity to have a great marriage. I knew it was possible, but those on-looking friends didn’t know and it was only important to them that I stop denying. Fortunately I had few of them, but a lot of the people in my forum do have a lot, they have family and friends that disrespect them for Standing for their marriages. And no one is Standing for the cheating and emotionally cycling Monster; they are Standing for the person their spouse was and who their spouse can be.
A lot of people will eventually change their minds and stop Standing. Some will stop because they are just fed up and want it to be over. Some decide they don’t want their spouse regardless of if he or she comes through remorseful and wonderful. Some have problems figuring out how to forgive and become bitter. Some come to realize that the issues were present before MLC and they had been in denial, their spouse is a Narcissist or has Bipolar disease and refuses help. Most become empowered success stories who feel that the act of Standing helped them to get through and to learn from their mistakes and the process so that if they find someone else and marry again, maybe they will have beat the 2nd marriage odds.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Dr Phil Guests Elaine and Miles- Where’s the Love
Congratulations on your 12th wedding anniversary. You and your husband have worked hard at your marriage so the celebration must seem extra sweet.
Donna Hull´s last [type] ..100 Countries 5-000 Ideas
Happy anniversary. We just celebrated our 19th last week.
My daughter is getting married this summer. I think, for my speech to the bride I’m to do something similar….wondering if I should title it the same way or maybe say 12 reasons to get married. Myself and all my children lived with their partner before getting married. Maybe call it: 12 Reasons for Taking the Plunge. Lol
Maureen´s last [type] ..Comment on The Magic Shift by maureen
And of course Happy Anniversay, Happy Anniversary, Happy Anniversary….Haaaappy Anniversary!
Did you hear me singing that?
Maureen´s last [type] ..Comment on The Magic Shift by maureen
Happy Anniversary! It’s so rewarding to stick with someone for the long haul, through the good times and bad. We’re a 30-year couple here, which is just staggering for me to wrap my head around. Not that we’ve stuck it out, but just that it’s been 30 years!
Jane Boursaw´s last [type] ..Trailer Talk- Cars 2 Brings the Fun!
my hubby said the sweetest thing to me the other day. we were talking about his coworkers and most are on their second marriage and I said to him that he was the only one still married to his first. He said that they didnt pick right the first time. Now it took me a little while to let those words sink in. I looked back to when I was 17 and first laid my eyes on him. I have loved him for so many years, we have gone through a lot of rough spots during the stages of our relationship. I cant imagine living my life without him. I feel we were meant to be. I have fantasized my life without him, In reality i could never do it. Our most trying time was last year and his emotional infidelity. We have both worked hard to keep our marriage. It has been no easy task and believe me we both still need to work at it. It is so worth it.
Congrats on your anniversary! I’ve been married 14 years now and I think your list is spot on too. I like that I have this history with my husband–shared inside jokes, shared troubles we’ve overcome, shared goals, dreams.
MyKidsEatSquid´s last [type] ..Bistro green beans
Simply put, this is AWESOME! And every single word of it is true and insightful!
Wonderful post, thanks for sharing!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I came here looking for things I didn’t think of regarding saving my previous marriage, but didn’t really find anything that addresses the whole ex-wife saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, so I’m moving out.”
Which means, I’m sleeping with a man the age of my dad, and I’m too chicken-shit to have ever said I was not happy with you.
So I don’t know if I would fight for a marriage again. I did it once, it nearly killed me, and I got nothing to show for it.
The above list really reads nice. But what about those who don’t actually experience those sorts of things? What about those for whom being alone means saving for the future happens now because the other spouse isn’t spending everything you make and more? Or when they are just so selfish that they think the way to solve problems is to adopt the “it’s all about me” approach and have her little affair and get her divorce, etc?
I think it can be worth it to fight for your marriage. But you first have to determine if your partner is worth fighting for.
Marriage requires two people and to make it make sense to fight for marriage, you have to have a wife worth fighting for.
Not all are worth it. So my caveat to the list is get an unbiased review of your spouse before you devote any time, talent or treasure to fighting for your marriage. If your spouse isn’t worth the effort, or demonstrates that through her actions, then you would be better served by fighting for your kids and yourself, rather than fighting for the marriage.
Perhaps the Saving your Marriage series will address how you can save your marriage when your wife delivered the “I love you…” oh let’s get real, I’m jumping up and down on another man’s penis and I’ve filed for divorce.
Yeah, there is a bit of resentment. Who wouldn’t resent having this happen to them. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I try to discard the resentment, it is still there. Every visitation of my child just reinforces that resentment and both the unfairness and insanity of an unfaithful spouse getting her divorce, part of my paycheck and the approval from the state to be the primary custodian of the child simply because she was the stay at home mom when she walked out.
Hey Tony,
So very sorry to hear of your pain & experience. You have been through hell & back. Alisa (the writer of this blog) did address the whole ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you” thing some time ago. Do take time to read the many post here. They may not help you in your particular situation but it on several occassions touches on if the marriage is worth saving. You ran into a situation where it wasn’t.
I have commented on here before that some people are so self centered that they just shouldn’t EVER get married. I am one of the lucky ones that have a loving wife. Marriage requires total commitment & a philosophy that sometimes requires a person to put the needs of a spouse above all other needs. Sadly FAR to many people today have NO IDEA of what commitment is all about.
Even more sadly, you ran into a woman who is among that group of people who should never marry. We do live in a society where far to many people care only about what they want even when what they want is self centered & can destroy a family. I am sure Alisa would never advocate staying with a person who is a serial cheater & has no sense whatsoever as to what it takes to be part of a couple. I know I can’t offer much comfort for the terrible pain you have been put through. But I do hope life gets better for you.
Best of Luck
Ron
Great list! My wife is asking for a divorce from me right now and I have been a jerk in the past. I deserve the pain I am going through right now, but she deserve to have me back to love her with all my heart. Just want to take this opportunity to share that I will walk her down that road of discovery, as she is trying to find out what’s good for her…I will be with her, until the day she knows that I am really really into making her living happily ever after, forever and ever. I will say this, even if I have to live this life 10 more times.
She is the one I choose, I will not choose another.
What a fantastic list – such common sense! I like Maureen’s comment about reading the list out at a wedding, as this is wisdom I bet most people participating in this blog wish they had known when they were starting out. Fantastic!
i havent even be married for two years and im in the fight of my life to save my marriage but one that i can honestly say right now i dont thnk he wants anymore. i know for a fact that i would not be able to handle living or being without him.
If I add another reason, I dont want to deprive my children of growing without a mom or a dad by their side.
I’ve been married for 5 years. I got married at 17 he was 20. the problem at the beginning I was always lying. I stopped and changed for him. Now he’s the one lying to me. We both has changed thing about and for each other. I want to make it work, but I just found out something that was unacceptable but I don’t care anymore. I don’t think either one of us care anymore. I know he loves me and I love him, I just don’t know where to go from here.