Many years ago, an acquaintance left his wife and family for another woman. This angered me, and I found myself telling anyone who would listen that “it’s just not right,” “he’s going to regret this,” “I can’t believe he would do something like that.”
It angered me a bit more than it should have considering the fact that I don’t know this family all that well.
And while I could never have admitted this at the time, I can look back on those feelings now and see one thing with clarity. I wasn’t truly empathizing with this wife and kids. Rather, I was reacting from a place of envy. I was not happy in my marriage at that time, but I did not have the courage to leave my husband. I told myself that I was staying in my marriage because it was “the right thing to do.” I was really staying in it because I didn’t know what else to do.
So whenever a marriage broke up around me, I was self-righteous about it. My self-righteousness, however, said more about my own shortcomings – my fear, my envy, my inability to take charge of my life–than it did about the people I saw as flawed.
I found myself thinking about all of this as I read the comments on this article about my upcoming appearance on the TODAY Show (which got bumped and is now scheduled for Monday March 21st). At first, when I read the comments, I felt a sting.
“Why don’t they understand why I am doing this?” I wondered.
But then I read everything again and more closely. It was then that I could see just how much these comments said about the people who wrote them and how little they said about me. For instance, I could tell that at least one commenter has some skeletons in the closet—skeletons she wishes others knew about but that she doesn’t have the courage to talk about. I could tell another people probably has some very dark thoughts about various people in her life. These thoughts scare her, so she chooses to pretend they are not there. I think one commenter is probably in a bad marriage, one that is much worse than mine ever was.
This allowed me to feel an enormous compassion for them. These people are much less happy than I am. I can tell by what they wrote.
Anger doesn’t feel good. Nor does self-righteousness. I know because I’ve experienced both of these emotions many times over my life. They’ve never brought me joy.
I believe self-righteousness feels so empty because it’s like trying to fix a leaky faucet in your kitchen by taking a wrench to your neighbor’s faucet instead.
When you feel self-righteous, you’re attempting to fix the wrong faucet. For one, your neighbor’s faucet might not even be leaky. Even if it is, that’s his business.
The faucet you really want to fix is your own. You want to take a wrench to your own negative thoughts and behavior. You want to examine and fix your words and actions that are leading to undesirable outcomes.
When you fix the right faucet, it stops dripping and suddenly all is well. When you attempt to fix the wrong faucet, you usually end up with two leaky faucets instead of just one. More important, you end up really irritating the person whose faucet didn’t need to be fixed in the first place.
It took me many years to learn this lesson. I’m still learning it to some degree. I must remind myself of it often—especially in marriage. I am often tempted to meditate on my husband’s shortcomings (ie. his leaky faucets.) After all, it allows me to forget about my own for a while.
Yet, I’ve found that whenever I fix what’s mine, he tends to fix what’s his.
And that’s the only way I’ve found that really stops the drip.
Did this post make sense? I felt it was either super wise or super convoluted. Which do you think it was? How does self-righteousness play out in your marriage and your life? Is it easy for you to see that pointing out the flaws of others often says more about your personal flaws than it does about theirs and vice versa? Or am I off my rocker? Let me know what you think in the comments.
UPDATES
* I am the guest emcee at the upcoming Lady Jane’s Salon in New York city April 4. I’ll be doing a reading from Project: Happily Ever After and signing some books. Please come if you can make it. More details here.
*An Alien Parisienne just wrote the most extensive review ever of Project: Happily Ever After. There’s a lot for me to love about this review. What I love most is knowing that the writer–who is twice divorced–did not find the book at all preachy. She wrote, “I’m here to report that I found the book wonderful to read, and not at all condemning.” This was the first reviewer who noticed that my Table of Contents is a short fairy tale unto itself. I was so proud of my table of contents, and it’s been killing me that no one noticed what I did with it until now. Just for that, I give this review 10 stars times 100.
* I always love the book reviews that start with a disclaimer about how the writer really didn’t need or want my book. It makes me realize just how taboo the topic of marriage still is, and I’m glad that I’m doing something to change that. Fun Finds For Families recently reviewed Project: Happily Ever After. Here’s an excerpt: “And she’s funny. Man, she’s really funny. I think you’ll find yourself laughing, agreeing with and, ultimately, thanking Bowman for either showing you ways to improve your own marriage or for helping you recognize and appreciate what you already have in a relationship (and explaining what you can do to keep it that way!)”
* I’m thrilled that NewYorkStateofMom picked Project: Happily Ever After as her latest Glossy Page over at the Mom Blog Network.
* The Des Moines Register quotes me extensively in this piece about what it takes to have a good marriage.
* The Long Haul Project has been posting segments of the footage they took of me and my husband for their documentary about marriage. Here’s part 1 (falling in love) and here’s part 2 (falling out of love). I’ll post part 3 (falling back in love) once I have it.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
“Yet, I’ve found that whenever I fix what’s mine, he tends to fix what’s his.”
I think I get what you’re saying here. My husband and I haven’t been treating each other very well lately. But I finally realized that this anger we were showing toward each other didn’t really have to do with the other person. We were lashing out because of our own underlying fears. I was being needy and demanding because I was afraid he was pulling away from me. He was pulling away because he felt that he always had to be on the defensive. And he was also frightened by the big steps we were thinking of taking: house… kids…
When it comes down to it, it seems that concentrating on just being good to each other works much better than letting our fears dictate our behavior.
Steph Auteri´s last [type] ..Having Trouble Defining Your Specialty How To Determine What Makes You An Original
People are so rude and hateful! It’s sad really because since they made snap judgements based on their own closed mindedness, they’ll never get the opportunity to discover the great things they could learn from your wonderful book.
This made perfect sense and was a great metaphor for life! You’ve got me thinking, and I love that, thank you!
Anger does NOT feel good at all, it makes me physically ill. Not to mention, it’s exhausting. So, I do my best to keep my anger toned down and only get angry at things that REALLY matter (safety, health of my loved ones, things like that).
I heard once somewhere that aside from being a biological, chemical and necessary reaction (it kept the human race alive for centuries) that it’s still necessary because anger allows us to pinpoint when something is wrong. It’s not getting angry that’s bad, it’s what we DO with it when we are. Once I learned that distinction, my anger went down a lot.
As for self-righteousness, I hope I’m not. I just know what has worked for me. My (continuing) path to happiness (in all areas of my life) is what was best for me, if people can learn from that, great. If they can’t, that’s fine too. There’s a fine line between inner-pride and self-righteousness.
You put the rest of is so very well, I really liked this part:
“I believe self-righteousness feels so empty because it’s like trying to fix a leaky faucet in your kitchen by taking a wrench to your neighbor’s faucet instead.
When you feel self-righteous, you’re attempting to fix the wrong faucet. For one, your neighbor’s faucet might not even be leaky. Even if it is, that’s his business.”
So, so very true! How often do we go around judging EVERYONE else when we really aren’t willing to accept ourselves?
I think when you accept your self, flaws and all, accepting others becomes a whole lot easier. It’s not that any of us is a perfect person, but I think as long as we’re aware of our “leaks” and do our best to fix them when they come up, it’s okay. Some leaks can’t be fixed, and that’s okay too.
We learn from each leak we encounter, be it our own or someone else’s.
You’re lucky your husband is so perceptive, but in a marriage, it’s so fantastic when both spouses can work towards bettering their themselves, their marriage and their life. Individual work adds up to teamwork and overall change for the better, and that’s truly a beautiful thing! I envy that a little bit, but I’m abundantly happy for anyone who has it!
I’m sorry people have spiteful things to say about you, but you know, unforunately, you can’t please everyone. Right now, I’ve got some people saying some things about me as I go through my seperation and I sincerely don’t care what people think about it. I made the right decision for me, and if someone doesn’t like that, than perhaps they need to look at themselves. I think at some point, we just know what’s right for us, and some other people get a little insecure when others are happy and confidant. It doesn’t make them bad, but like you, it makes me want to extend a hand and show compassion. I totally agree with you.
Thank you for this wonderful, thought-provoking, compassion inducing post! You are brilliant!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
This is a very insightful post. I think most people have trouble identifying the cause of their self-righteousness (if they even recognize it as such) even after they’ve done hurtful things.
It really helps to have this kind of clarity in dealing with the people around you. I don’t believe people are mostly bad – it’s just that sometimes we only deal with them when they are in the midst of bad times. And a lot of the time when someone hurts someone else, they crack open and you can see their pain just as easily.
Amber´s last [type] ..Wiffle Ball on the National Mall
Yes, yes, yes! I’m all over this right now. Been posting left and right about it on my blog:
http://bodhicittama.blogspot.com/2011/03/course-in-miracles-lesson-75.html
and
this one is called Healing Ourselves First http://bodhicittama.blogspot.com/2011/03/day-14-healing-ourselves-first.html
Basically I’ve been using Course in Miracles as an inspiration, but I’ve definitely been guilty of trying to fix other people’s problems while not managing my own, or getting angry – like I was sooooo pissed at Elizabeth Gilbert for leaving her husband and then one day I just wasn’t. I still haven’t figured out why..
But thanks for posting on this, Alisa! Great topic!!
Yes yes yes! This makes complete sense and is the root of a lot of the problems we face- it is just so much easier to focus on what the other person is doing wrong than to focus on the things that we could be doing better at. I totally get it and can relate. Thanks for posting and for all of the great work you do- you have helped me immensely.
I totally agree with this and I think it’s a really excellent metaphor. I truly do feel compassion for people who hold onto anger because it’s so self-destructive, and I would never have known this if I had not done this same thing for a period of time in the past. I really truly had some problems with someone who hurt me a lot. I actually felt physically nauseous and sick from being so angry at times. It was awful, and then I realized that instead of being angry at that person and thinking of all the things THEY had to do to fix their problems, I really had to deal with my own issues. As a perpetual people pleaser, I had to deal with what it meant to regularly interact with someone who could NEVER be happy with anything I did, and I realized that it wasn’t my fault. Most importantly I had to forgive, and once I did that, I felt so much better. I felt like I wasn’t a prisoner anymore to my own anger that was eating me alive. This person was actually not my husband, but I think about it at times if we argue or if I’m angry or frustrated with him. I ask myself, is it worth it to feel this way towards him? Now that I know the price of harboring anger and resentment towards someone…I always ask myself if this thing that pissed me off so much is really worth causing damage to our relationship and to my own health. It never is. Even if I have to think about it for bit and I’m really ticked, I find that I still reach the same conclusion. I’ve found forgiveness to be a much better choice.
I think that what you described is that whole “don’t complain about the speck in your neighbor’s eye when you have a plank in yours” thing that we are warned against. Some people see something as shocking or uncomfortable but don’t realize that those feelings come less from actually encountering something external to them but instead come from inside. I wish you the best with the book…it was reviewed on Manic Mommy’s website and piqued my interest!
“Did this post make sense? I felt it was either super wise or super convoluted.”
Well…it did get a little convoluted with the faucets…but I followed.
I don’t know…usually those sort of negative comments don’t shock me because I see them coming at me and though I try not to “act as if” I am used to them and thus sometimes expect…
But coming at you…I will admit I start feeling a little self-righteously incensed! Why? The same reason I felt that way when people criticize d Laura Munson first with her article in Modern Love and then with her book that followed. Both of you did wonderful things with and for your marriages but it took 4 months. In my world that has an only before the 4. No offense to you, congratulations. And I know that you were not perfect or done after 4 months—otherwise you would be back to where you were before the project. But these people are complaining about this tiny slice of life and how you did this amazing turnaround. My tiny slice was 4 years, the stamina may have been amazing, but there was not an amazing turn around—slow and steady.
And then they complained about your being excited about landing the Today show. Um yeah, shouldn’t you be? I dream of that too. It’s not about fame; it’s about getting the book out there. But I think those gripes may have been due to ignorance of who and what you are. The article did not let the readers know that you are an established author and thus the gripers likely thought you were one of those people who thought they’d write a book and you happened to get lucky enough that it won the publish-me lottery. I mean if I had a dime for every person that has told me they have a children’s story and are going to publish it, or those on forums who talk about writing a book about their spouse’s MLC…well I wouldn’t be rich but I’d have several dollars.
“Is it easy for you to see that pointing out the flaws of others often says more about your personal flaws than it does about theirs and vice versa? Or am I off my rocker?”
No you’re not. Or maybe you are—but shouldn’t we all try and be off our rockers just for fun sometimes? You are recognizing standard projections. But then maybe some of the complainers had read your book—I doubt it—and didn’t like your own complaints and sob story about your marriage. I’m shaking my head though…you did something about that. You were unhappy and you decided to choose joy rather than go for the typical American I’m entitled pursuit of happiness route. Sometimes one person’s pursuit of happiness is another person’s trauma. Maybe they are and because they are not in their marriage anymore. They left and your book shows that they may have taken an unnecessary action. But they have already done it and they need to justify it. Thinking that divorce was not their only path may cause them shame and guilt. They aren’t ready to face that.
Rollercoasterider´s last [type] ..Articles- Standing
” It was then that I could see just how much these comments said about the people who wrote them and how little they said about me.”
Exactamundo. And this post shows you are a much bigger & more conscious/conscientious person than those folks who wrote the comments on the article you linked about your TV appearance.
“The faucet you really want to fix is your own.” And this is just plain healthy. It’s what organizations like AA and other self-help & healing programs say. My paraphrase? Focus on your own damn sh*t because the only one you can truly transform is yourself. Your faucet analogy is a very apt one.
Yeah, this post makes sense. I, however, do not understand what those “hater comments” were getting at. But then I read an appreciated the book & saw where you were coming from with it, and it does not seem they did. I think that their own affective filter was playing a huge role in their perceptions of what the article author communicated, just as you wrote about here. Still, I am sorry that they did it in the first place. I have never understood exactly why, but people seem to objectify the people they read about on the internet, and then feel freedom to be nasty in ways that they never would face-to-face with someone. I’ve seen the good side of this (people who open up online as they do not when face-to-face), but the flip side is that people sometimes think they can be jackasses and it somehow does not matter because it is in virtual print. (???)
As I like to say (and heard in a movie once — don’t remember which one): “Opinions are like a**holes; everybody has one.” And people feel particularly free to show theirs online. Their opinions, that is.
Thank you for the mention here. It was my pleasure to read and review the book. I am so glad that I noticed the table of contents! Can’t believe I was the first… It was a very creative thing you did with that, so I’m glad to have highlighted it. It was the very first thing I noticed (but then I am a teacher and I know that reading things like tables of contents are an overlooked thing when doing a book study).
Good luck with the TV appearance.
Sincerely,
Karin
(an alien parisienne)
Karin (an alien parisienne)´s last [type] ..Special Report – Project- Happily Ever After
I subscribed to your blog when I was desperately seeking marital help. Since then I still read it even though my Happily Ever After was to divorce (he was a serial cheater and treated me like dirt). I’ve never written anything to you before although I find alot of your topics helpful and I archive the emails with the blogs I find most helpful for later use. When I saw this topic, I was compelled to write. I know exactly what you are talking about. When I started therapy after my marriage ended my counselor introduced me to the work of Byron Katie and told me that people are brought into my life to teach me about myself. I had such a hard time with that concept until I realized the actions of a friend of mine were annoying me because she reminded me of what I used to do. I’m Catholic so divorce was never a viable option for me. I could see the years endless stretch into a black hole with this abusive man. However, I could be self-righteous about the relationships I saw around me and be judgmental and horrified when people in unhappy marriages had affairs or left the marriage. Even though my marriage was a pit of hell I tried my best to conceal it even from myself and instead had this attitude of righteousness that at least I was moral, and those people must be doing something terribly wrong to get to that point. A divorce and a year later I have been humbled in so many ways. I’m working on not feeling like I’m a failure because my marriage failed. I’m working on the Catholic guilt dealing with parents who are ultra-Catholic but nonetheless supported me. I’m also learning that I can only work on what is in my power to control. I can’t control others or worry about what they do because that only causes unnecessary heartache. Now to my annoying friend (or the point in this rambling comment. Sorry.) My friend is getting married and like most brides is in the giddy goey stage. Which has been a bit difficult to watch at times going through a divorce, but I think I’ve managed pretty well. It struck me the other day how she has this attitude that her relationship is so perfect and once I find a man like her husband everything will be sunshine and daisies for me too. And she has started with the self righteousness about other people’s relationships and loves to spread gossip. This was annoying me to no end because I wanted her to wake up and realize that her marriage could be horrible too if she and her new husband let it go and never worked on it. I wanted her to be scared and realize she is not special and immune. I also wanted her to leave other people alone with the gossip because marriage is so complicated you never know what’s going on in someone’s marriage. And then it struck me like a lightning bolt that what annoyed me was that my friend was acting like I did before my divorce. The realization of that shamed me and I didn’t want to know it but I made myself look at it. I also realized that her behavior is based on fear. She’s a bride getting married with me, Ms. Divorcee, around. She sees the marriage statistics and affairs that go on and she’s trying to bolster herself up so that she can take the plunge on her wedding day. That realization was life changing for me and I’m trying to use it to make me a better person. I’m also no longer annoyed at my friend and have tried to be more supportive and sensitive to her fears. Don’t worry what others say. For everyone who writes in there are many, many more like me who enjoy your blog but never say so.
Wow! I admire that you were able to reread the comments with a clear head and realize them for what they were not saying rather than what they were saying. That takes a tremendous amound of calmness and clarity. I wish I can get to that point but I’m such a hot-head that I don’t know if it’s even possible! I’ve entertained the idea of blogging but the negative comments/trolls factor (and how I know I would react to them) has me backing away.
And, yes, I totally got your Table of Contents fairy tale and thought it was awsome! As well, the leaky faucet made perfect sense to me; you’re spot on in the comparision.
Keep up the good work; I can’t wait to read part 3!
Alissa,
Thank you for your book, and your blog, and this post. They have meant so much to me, and helped me recover my marriage and the joy I feel in it. I am in AWE of your boundless energy – to read 12 books, keep down a free lance job, be a mother, and do all this while your husband is trying to get his business running, – My God! I sometimes despair that I can be as successful in making the changes I need to make for me and my marriage.
I think if we can find compassion for the angry, as you say, then we’ll often see some kind of pain beneath the aggressive behavior. Good for you for digging a bit deeper despite the sting.
sarah henry´s last [type] ..Surgeon General Swings by Edible Schoolyard
Alisa I think I know exactly what you are saying. I guess we all struggle with this issue at times in our lives. Like anybody I have over the years known several men & women who left their spouse for another. I don’t know if it made me angry but did make me sad for the left spouse.
I’ll admit that I DO sometimes get more angry about the attitude in general on the value of marriage. The sad part is the higher the divorce rate goes the more we will see of the whole me, me, me attitude that people have. It doesn’t just involve marriage either. Is it just me or has anybody else noticed the general rudeness & self centeredness in society today? It is rare to see anybody offer to help an elderly lady load groceries, open a door for people etc. Anyway I digress but I think this general attitude today has a LOT to do with the lack of commitment on the part of so many.
I have over the years met many people who’s whole outlook on life is about what I can get, what THEY can do for me etc. Sadly many end up alone. Then again some had no business getting married anyway. Lets face it some people are just NOT cut out for marriage. ..HA! I am kidding… sort of..lol
UPDATE: By the way I had commented a few times before before about a lady I used to work with who was a NIGHTMARE as a spouse. She actually was one of those who should just never marry….lol She bleed men dry (not money wise but emotionally) & was downright cruel. She had been married several times to men who left after years of abuse. Anyway I found out recently that she is now in prison for shooting her last ex husband. She of course blamed him for all her woes in life, especially financial as the judge only gave her what she brought into the marriage (which was nothing) & half of the property acumilated during the marriage which wasn’t much because it only lasted 2 years. He was sitting at a bar with his new G/F & she walked in & shot the poor guy. Her reason as stated to police, was that he was giving his new “whore” all the stuff that was supposed to be hers. By the way the new G/F was well to do and they had been dating maybe 2 months. Oh & he recovered & is fine now. Anyway I thought our regulars may be interested. Now back to the subject at hand.
So anywho’s, when I get in the self righteous attitude, I only need remind myself that I didn’t ALWAYS place such a high value on commitment & marriage myself. There was a time in my life when I could be much more self centered about marital issues. So what changed? Partialy just maturing but a HUGE part was being a caregiver & learning to deal with my beloveds illness. I don’t say this to hold myself up as any kind of example. I am 100% human, flaws & all. I was just faced with a life changing situation that made me put the needs of my beloved over any needs I may have.
So when I start to feel that self righteous side welling up I do have to remind myself that it was a journey for me. Sometimes that self centeredness rears it ugly head even today. When it does I just need look in on my beloved & know that no matter what I may feel, no matter what I may miss from the good ole days (Pre-Illness) my beloved misses them too & further has to deal with being sick & in pain almost 24/7. I heard a wise saying once that went something like this.
“I used to complain about the fact that I had no shoes, until I met the man who had no feet”.
I know I got a little off subject but know that we all struggle with this. Many times as you said all we need do is look inside ourselves & see WHY we struggle with this. In the meantime all we can do is try to continue to grow & become the best me we can be.
Keep On Rockin
Ron
Sarah, you’re right. In a course in miracles it basically says any “bad behavior” is a call for love. We can be compassionate toward others’ bad behavior more easily when we see that their actions come from fear/cries for love (a little like a toddler)…
Bodhima´s last [type] ..Laura Munson
I loved this post Alisa! It was not at all convoluted. I think the main point is compassion. I live by the rules of respect and compassion because of what I do for a career. I am impressed that you can find positive in even negative people.
I agree with you – up to a certain point. being self-righteous may not exactly be the best way to go in life, but at a certain level, there are things that others keep doing ‘unto us’ that go just a little bit too much beyond what we can take. Now i know that I too have my own weaknesses, but in all honesty, if we are the only one who keeps correcting our own negativity yet the other side doesn’t – it may become tiring to continue. I guess it also boils down to the fact that GOD has HIS own plans, and that somewhere along the line, we are supposed to just hang tight until HIS DIVINE PLAN comes to light.