How to communicate with your ears

Yesterday I wrote about how to be assertive. Today we’re going to go into another topic that is just as important: listening. Jane Katch, a child development expert and kindergarten teacher, has penned today’s post. As a teacher, Katch has had to perfect the art of communication, both with her students and with their parents. When three international students were enrolled in her class the same year, she found that she had to perfect her communication techniques even more in an effort to understand the unique needs of these children and the needs of their parents. Her book Far Away from the Tigers:  A Year in the Classroom with Internationally Adopted Children is about that year. “I discovered that by asking questions and really listening to parents, rather than assuming I should have the answers myself, we could support their children together,” she says.

Here, on the blog, she shares the communication tips–especially the listening tactics that she picked up along the way. Use these tips to better understand all of the difficult people in your life, including your spouse.

3 Steps to More Effective Listening

I was helping the kids collect their lunch boxes and jackets at dismissal when one of the boys, for no apparent reason, shoved the girl next to him into her cubby. She cried dramatically, although there was no blood and no lump. I took the boy firmly by one hand and the girl by the other and we all walked out the front door of the school. The boy’s mom saw the crying girl, her sullen boy, and knew that her son was in trouble.

I gave her the quick story. She looked furious, took her son by the hand, and turned away to walk him to her car.

On my drive home, I told myself the reasons she should not be angry with me. I hadn’t seen the incident coming and could not have prevented it. Since we were on our way out, I didn’t have time to find out more about what had happened. I was a good teacher and she had no reason to be angry.

After dinner, I sat by the phone, trying to talk myself into being less defensive. Then I dialed her number. “You seemed upset when we came out of school today,” I said. “How was that for you?”

She told me her older son was the one who always got in trouble. Her five-year-old was the good one at school. She said she felt overwhelmed by the idea that both boys could be causing trouble at the same time. It was a relief to her, however, that I saw his more difficult side and I still liked him. We began a conversation that lasted all year, working together to understand his challenges.

Our relationship could easily have been derailed when I assumed she was angry. If I had begun our conversation in a defensive mode, she may well have attacked me due to her own feelings of being overwhelmed and worried. Because I was able to listen to her, we were on the same side.

That was just one of many incidents I’ve had with various parents that have taught me many important lessons in communication, lessons that can help you in all of the relationships in your life. These lessons include:

1. Listen with a quiet mind. In the past, when someone was talking I either silently disagreed–lining up my arguments about why the other person is wrong–or I agreed–preparing examples of how something similar happened to me, too. This chatter interfered with my ability to listen. With practice, I’ve found I can notice that chatter and come back to true listening. For instance, when I dropped my defensiveness before the call I mentioned earlier, it helped me improve my ability to listen.

2. Listen for the feelings behind the words. There are two kinds of listening–listening for information and listening for feelings. Listening for information is the way most of us have learned to listen. For instance, when I list the ways I’m frustrated at work and my husband tries to fix it, that’s listening for information.

The second kind of listening is listening for the feelings behind the words. When I asked the parent how it was for her, she was able to tell me what she was really worried about. When you listen, you want to hear the information, but you also want to hear the feelings, too.

3. Tell your story. Stories don’t make us defensive. When this parent told me about her son’s the child’s multiple surgeries shortly after birth, I was able to make a connection to how often parents are very protective after that kind of trauma and they need help later on setting appropriate expectations for the child. Telling your story helps your listener to empathize with you. You’re more likely to end up allies, working together to help solve the problem.

These steps can help when listening to anyone who is upset, angry, or joyful. When we listen with a quiet mind and listen for the feelings behind the words, we feel more compassion. We feel closer rather than more separate.

Learn more about Jane’s book Far Away From the Tigers.

How can listening help you in your marriage? What do you do to ensure you really hear what your spouse is saying? Do you have any inspiring listening stories to share? Leave a comment.