A Biggest Marital Problems Post
You’ve all been on fire this week with your comments (in a good way). I figured I might as well add some fuel. Remember the rules though: be kind. Yes, disagree. Learn from one another. Offer your insight.
Do no lash out or use the comments area to express your anger. This is a safe community. We do not attack one another here.
Okay, so here’s the reader question. I did not edit much because I believe you need all of the information to respond.
Question: My husband’s best friend has a new girlfriend who seems to have feelings for my husband. A couple of weeks ago she called my hubby at work and asked him for a ride. He declined. Then on Valentines Day she texted my husband: “Happy love day, Love” (then her name). I am furious and think her behavior is inappropriate. My husband, however, thinks it’s no big deal. He dismisses it by saying, “I only love you.” This, for me, has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me. It has to do with respect. I don’t want her to text him anymore. I want it to stop. I am beside myself. My husband is some kind of chick magnet and I am fighting off these chicks. Why is there no respect for marriages? ANY advice would be helpful and I need it desperately before I do something I will regret.
My Take
I understand your anger and frustration. I think it’s important, however, to realize what and who you have control over, and what and who you don’t have control over. You can easily control your own reaction to this. To some degree you can control your husband’s.
But I think it’s folly to assume you can control this other woman. Yes, she doesn’t respect marriage. She’s an interloper. She’s definitely not someone you want as a house guest.
There isn’t much you can probably do to change her behavior. And if you try to fight fire with fire, I have a feeling it will cause her to escalate—just to get back at you. She’ll see it as a challenge. That’s not a challenge you need in your life.
So, let’s look at what you can control. Let’s start with you. This is a great opportunity for you to work on trusting your husband. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? If the answer is no, then you might challenge yourself to grow – to learn how to become less threatened. (Note: if he has given you reasons not to trust him, that’s a different story.)
Here are some ways to build more trust:
- Understand his perspective. Ask him how he feels when a woman like this comes onto him? Is it an ego boost for him? Does it help him to feel younger and more confident? Does it embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable? Is he befuddled? Is he afraid to hurt her feelings? You really want to understand this. It will help you to see his side—and seeing his side will help you to build trust. For this conversation to work, however, you must remain calm and non judgmental. It’s all about listening. Ask questions and listen. If you find yourself telling him how he *should* feel, you’ve gotten off track.
- Create some ground rules. Calmly discuss how you’d both want the other to respond when a member of the opposite sex flirts or propositions you. Where do you each draw the line between being polite and friendly and being too polite and friendly?
I think this is important to do because, chances are, this isn’t the only time this will happen in your marriage. For instance, because I write about my marital issues, I tend to get propositioned by men who erroneously think, “She writes about her marriage, therefore she’s willing to cheat on her husband.” Um, not true. My rule is that I keep nothing secret. If someone says something to me that’s over the line, I tell my husband about it and how I responded, and we discuss whether he would have wanted me to handle it differently.
You will never be able to stop outsiders from trying to cross your boundaries, but you can control how you and your husband react when people make the attempt.
That’s my advice. Readers: What’s yours? Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Have you overcome jealousy? What do you suggest?
Note: My husband and I will be on the Today Show next Thursday March 17th in the 8 am hour. I’m super busy preparing for that as well as dealing with some other commitments and issues, so I’m going to be AWOL for a while. I hope you all can tune in, though. It sounds like it’s going to be a great segment.
UPDATES
- A book I co-authored recently won a Books for a Better Life Award. It’s called Back to Life After a Heart Crisis. I wrote it with surgeon Marc Wallack, MD, and his wife Jaime Colby, an anchor on FOX. It details Marc’s emotional comeback from bypass surgery and is a great resource for anyone who is struggling with the psychological implications of heart disease. This book was also chosen as a Wall Street Journal book of the year. I’m very proud of it.
- The Long Haul Project posted a portion of the documentary they are filming about marriage. I love how this turned out and it’s really uplifting and heart warming because it focuses more on the falling in love phase of my marriage than the falling out of love phase.
- I was quoted in this Woman’s Day article 10 Ways to Get Your Marriage Back on Track.
- I was quoted in this AOL My Daily piece about woman who outearn their husbands.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I actually have struggled with this same thing over the years, and I agree with Alisa. Besides talking to your husband about it and asking him to keep you informed of what she says (or does), and trusting that he will respond appropriately, you are just hurting yourself and making your day/mood worse. The thing I started doing that helped me (because I had no reason not to trust my husband) is I started taking it as a compliment to me – my guy is that great that these other ladies want him, and I am that awesome that he always chooses me. It sounds silly but it helped me let the situations roll off and I am much happier as a result.
I totally agree with what Alisa and Stefany have said. I think communication is huge and absolutely key in helping solve this situation. And of course, as Alisa said, know who and what you can, and cannot, control.
I like Stefany’s take because it is kind of neat that women want your husband, I certainly would’ve taken that as a huge compliment. I still would–that is pretty awesome!
That being said, I can totally understand how this situation might tug on your insecurities–I’m NOT putting you down, because we ALL have insecurities (no matter how “awesome” we may come off) and sometimes, life gives us situations in which we are forced to confront them, and then rise above them.
If it were me, I would kindly, but firmly, tell my husband how I feel about this woman. Then, I would ask him to tell her to stop the behavior, and if she didn’t listen to my husband–than I would go one step further and tell her, KINDLY, but firmly (assertively, not aggressively) to back off.
I’m sorry, but my man is my man–not that any one person necessarily belongs to another person–but you know, a husband (especially yours) is clearly taken–period.
I have never and would never knowingly go after a married man, and I never condoned people who do.
I have had male friends over the years, and some of them have been married (and/or in committed relationships). I have ALWAYS been 110% respectful of their wives/girlfriends. I never let our friendship get flirty, or even toe the line. I always kept our converstations neutral and I never, not once–allowed my male friends (or myself) to “badmouth” their signfiicant others to me. Nor did I ever allow myself to badmouth my husband to them–I just didn’t go there, and that helps.
Alisa has written many posts about talking badly about our spouses when they’re not around, and she has some great points. But I think in the context of male-female friendship the “no-badmouthing” rule is even more important. It has to do with boundaries, and clearly, this woman has crossed yours (and that’s more than okay) so now you need to set your own.
Unfortunately, too many people do not respect marriage or fidelity so there are going to be those out there that want to trample on that. Imagine how insecure she must be if she has to go after someone else’s husband–willingly and knowingly.
Or worse, perhaps she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior–it doesn’t really matter if she does or not, as long as YOU and YOUR HUSBAND do. If you and him can agree as a unit that her behavior is in fact unacceptable than the problem will mostly likely resolve itself sooner than you think.
If you do have to tell this woman to “back off,” like I mentioned earlier, do so in a kind, nuetral, non-angry sort of way. Do not threaten her, do not bully her (not that you would, I’m just saying), just plainly and nicely let her know “hands-off.”
I think this a growing opportunity for you and your marriage, and I think you’ll come out stronger on the other side for it.
Best of luck to you!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Wow! First, I agree with what Alisa is saying. The advice there is great – although I’m sure it’s easier said than done. Emotions can be so dangerous!
Second, I’ve been in similar situations… but nothing to that extent. My husband teaches kids with Autism at a private school where all the students are in one huge room, and the teachers are one-to-one with the students. He is the only male working there right now, with about 25 young, gorgeous, educated females. Catch my drift? It can be a little nerve-racking if I get too caught up in my emotions about it. We set up some “guardrails” early in our marriage after hearing Andy Stanley preach on it. “Guardrails” are expectations we have for one another that keep us from sliding off the edge. The “guardrail” expectations are not things that are necessarily wrong or sinful, but things that are known to lead to disaster.
One of our “guardrails” is that we do not ride in a car with someone of the opposite sex. We do not have lunch with them. We do not have coffee with them. We are never one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex, period. I’m a college student, training to be a teacher, and there have been situations when I needed a ride to complete school assignments, and the only person who was assigned the same location as me was a male. It was difficult, but I had to find another way to make it work without riding with him.
Another “guardrail” we have involves texting people of the opposite sex. This is hard for my husband because he has to text his coworkers to let them know if he will not be there so that they know to take over working with his kid. I’m fine with that. My husband is a nice guy and gets along with everyone he meets and, of course he has become friends with a lot of the girls he works with. They have all met me on multiple occasions, and know that if they want to be friends with my husband outside of work, I am going to be a part of that friendship. It’s both or none. I’ve never had a problem with any of those girls. It took a while to get to that point though – and I still get jealous from time to time because I’ve seen the way these girls dress – it’s very high fashion, very provocative, and very NOT ME! But I know I have to be secure in my relationship, and if one of those girls ever tries to come on to my husband I have to trust that he would handle the situation openly and honestly, and would let the girl know that it is not acceptable.
Kayla´s last [type] ..007 My prom dresses fit BETTER than they did in high school!
I would take his phone and block her number. I have been married for 22 years and I know communication is important but that is just ridiculous and way to blatant for me.
Good evening all.
I mostly agree with everyone. I want to elaborate on something that Sarah Liz wrote. For the wife in this relationship to go to the offending outsider could make it very easy for the offending outsider to make the wife into the bad guy. Yes, the conversation Alisa mentions must happen. Thereafter, the husband needs to make it absolutely clear to the offending partner that this is not acceptable. The husband needs to be willing to back it up with action, from blocking a cell number to considering harassment charges. It is not just the wife’s job to prevent unwanted invasions of marital territory. It also very much falls on the husband.
There is definitely a way to be respectful and clear at the same time. The husband should be the one to pursue that way. The wife should not get involved.
Kayla – those are superb guardrails.
Good night.
RavSean
Thank you, Thank you! This post is exactly what I needed to read today.
@ Tami vroma, how do you block a number from a cell phone. I dont think our carrier provides that. I ask because there are a few numbers I would like to block from his phone. If you know of a way I would appreciate it. He wont change his number because he has had the same number for like 15 years. He needs his phone for work.
I am wondering would the response be different if the marriage was in the recovery stages of an emotional affair? If trust was an issue? I mean seriously who intrudes in on a marriage. I would not text my hubby’s friends on Valentines Day or any day unless it was business and he knew about it. I cant accept it as a compliment unless it was said to me directly, behind my back is sneaky and suspicious.
My hubby did talk to this girl and told her not to call or text him, because I didnt like that stuff. I appreciate his efforts to make it right. I told him it was up to him to take care of this mess. I dont care about her feelings, I am his wife what about mine. I mean really who is more important to him. he seemed mad that he had to do it, probably because it is a first for him(I would usually say something to the person) but I think he needed to be the one to do it. I just hope it empowers him to be more aware of his marriage and family and what we mean to him.
@Kayla, I will take some of your guardrails and put them to use. They are great expectations.
You all are saints compared to me. I have a quick temper and this situation would be one that set me off.
There is something about single women trolling for married guys. My husband thinks its funny how no women paid him any attention until he was happily married. I think some of the single women see a guy who is relationship material and want that for themselves.
Anyway, I think that you are right Alisa. I am not saying that is how I would handle it because I can’t think that way. I am big on respect and going after a married man is the lowest on the respect scale.
This is a really interesting topic.
I agree with Alisa. I also liked Stefany’s comment about taking it as a compliment–that is a positive way to be. I’ve never had this problem from my husband’s side, because he is so focused on me as his wife that he must send out the “back off” vibe to all other women.
He was raised very traditionally and has conservative views of husbands and wives having friends of the opposite sex, in other words, he doesn’t believe in it at all. I used to feel differently, believing that I could have male friends; and yet I had to rethink this recently. I had an incident a year ago when a colleague seemed like friend material but because he was a) single, and b) overly friendly and wanting to talk a lot, it put a wedge between my husband and me. Kudos to my husband, he calmly but insistently told me how he felt, and after I thought about it, I decided to hold myself in firm distance from my colleague out of respect for my husband and the effort it must have taken him to approach this calmly. I now think it’s perfectly reasonable for it to bother a spouse when someone single and overly friendly comes on, even disguised as friendliness, to their husband or wife, and the spouse does nothing about it. But, the result of this as Alisa said should be a calm and loving conversation about the boundaries they can agree on for their marriage. My view of my marriage and my relationship with my husband got stronger because we were able to talk about it, because I was able to identify and assert this boundary, and because I honored and respected my husband’s feelings. It has helped me better decide how to handle other similar situations.
Hi,
I think the problem is more in your head than anywhere else.
You think you have to “fight off these chicks” but what you do is hurting yourself.
Ask yourself:
- What are you afraid of? To lose your husband?
- If so, is this a real threat or just your imagination? Are there real signs for it?
- In the latter case you should think about how to win him back, not how to “fight” other girls.
- Be aware that being cool and confident will help much more than being anxious and jealous. You will become much more attractive for your husband being confident and relaxed.
- Be aware that jealousy is always bad for a relationship, it is like poison, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Another possibility: Take it with humor. Or send that “chick” a genuine thank-you letter back saying that you like how much she cares about your husband.
So either be creative or cool about it.
Just my opinion (I am the founder of a flirt & relationship counselling agency in Germany)
Thomas
Sorry Thomas, but you are off the mark here.
Cool and confident are great. Still, being cool, confident, not jealous, etc, does not give ANYONE the right to flirt with the other half of the couple. “It is okay. His wife is cool and confident, not the jealous type. She won’t mind. She can handle it.”
A little bit of jealousy is not a bad thing. You are absolutely right that I care if my wife needs to meet with someone male as part of her job. You are absolutely right that my wife cares if I need to meet with someone female. She should. With the marriage proposal, we become exclusive territory. We should guard it zealously.
The first step to a serious problem is letting someone in the gate. When we share communications with someone else that are on the level of those we should share only with a spouse, we are already letting someone in the gate. At that point, to come in the front door is easy.
The spouse comes first. No one else comes second.
RavSean
I’d like to hear it from the guys? I mean seriously, how would the husbands feel if it were some guy calling and texting THEIR wife?
Hi all….
Dawn – Rav Jennifer and I have been married now for almost 18 years. To date, this has not happened. I cannot even begin to imagine it. My wife would unequivocally end it, and tell me about it after the fact. On the off chance that she did not, I would not like it. She would know it.
Everything you have seen me write on this subject and on similar subjects cuts both ways.
RavSean
I would also like to know from Thomas how you would react if it was your girlfriend/wife on the receiveing end of the flirty texts? Rav Sean I could not agree with you more!
I knew this topic would be divided. Some say well the wife is not confident or is jealous or that the wife should see it as a compliment and lnot take offense to it. I guess it depends on personality traits. I am by nature and have always been sensitive. I cant change that. I do not have thick skin for anybody. I will not say something to hurt you and if I do I will also feel hurt. I cant just turn my back, so to some that displays lack of confidence. I know I am a strong woman, I have been with my hubby for 23 years, raised 4 kids. We have had our struggles, we have been together through our latter teenage years, 20′s,30′s,and now 40′s. I survived four teenagers(that says alot right there! LOL!) Anyway it has to be common on some level to feel jealous. When you have been with someone so long, sometimes I am afraid he is bored. I do all I can to make his life happy, but lets face it another woman coming on to him is a confidence booster and I am sure it feels good. I am not new to him and sometimes feel threatened by the newness of another woman. It is always easier to judge when it isnt happening to you.
There’s normal jealousy and there’s pathological jealousy. Everyone should have some normal jealousy, it means you care. And in this case, any healthy person would be jealous. If you get jealous for no reason except that the wind blows you have an obvious problem. I would call texting my DH on V-Day and telling him you love him an aggressive come on that should be countered with a strong offense. If my husband essentially brushed it off, then I would see that as a red flag and it would damage my trust.
Hi all…
I have been listening to the back-and-forth on this question of confidence. With all due respect, it is irrelevant.
Confidence is to be nurtured. It is not to be taken advantage of.
RavSean
Exactly. If you want to be trusted you must consistently demonstrate that you are trustworthy.
Wow sorry I missed the original post on this due to the move my beloved & I were making. Somebody mentioned how a guy would feel or a guys point of view. I will give it my best shot as I have been on both ends of the issue.
No I am not a “Chick magnet” or Greek God. Those on here who have seen my picture on facebook can attest to that…..lol But I am also a drummer in a rock band. The business by it’s nature attracts fans both male & female. Some of the attention from female fans can on rare occassions be a bit aggressive. As a member of the band I have to walk a bit of a fine line to not offend a fan but also let them know I am not available. After all they are the ones who buy our CD’s, tickets to the shows, bring friends to see us etc. basicly THEY are why we get paid to do what we love.
However there are tactful ways to let them know that I am happily married without offending them. Granted it is a unique situation where you really can’t offend a woman. That is different in most situations. But here are a few things that a husband can learn to make most back off.
1) Find ways to bring up the wife in conversation. If she says she likes to do A, B & C then say “Yea my wife loves to do those things to. So we do them together”. You can even just bring up the wife in general ways as well. I brag inscently on my beloved, I NEVER tell a stranger how sick she is as that would give them the mindset of he is unhappy. 99% of the time when I do these things they back off in VERY short order but continue to come see the band. As Alisa says I can’t control the actions of others by coming to see us. But I can control my actions & set clear boundries.
If that fails then I will have to be more assertive & just say “Look I am glad you came to the show & glad you enjoyed it BUT I am a happily married man with a loving wife”. I have only had to do that maybe three times in 15years. Most women will respect the boundries set by the husband.
Lisa made a VERY good point that a LOT depends on the personality traits of the spouse. In my case because I play music & it attracts female fans for instance, I can’t be with a women who is jealous. I don’t mean this as a knock against anybody at all. It is just a bad match for me personally. Some have mentioned that they wouldn’t be so gracious. That is just their personality traits which is fine but they would be a bad match for me. Nothing wrong with that at all. Different people are a better fit than others for a relationship. Whereas they are a great match for somebody else. Get what I mean? Before I met my beloved I dated a few with serious jealousy issues who freaked out the first time they saw the attention it brings from women. I had to stop dating them as a result. Nice ladies just a bad long term match for me personally.
On the other side of the coin I have had to deal with men hitting on my beloved. When we met she was a STUNNING woman. In my eyes she always will be my beautiful bride. She was in sales (eventually made sales manager) & had to deal with a lot of men. Because she was so attractive some men hit on her. But she always let them know that she was taken & latter married. So I never had any reason not to trust her. It is unreasonable to expect that our spouse will never be hit on. Once again as Alisa pointed out our spouse can’t control the actions of others. As long as they set boundries then why put myself through anger, jealousy & other negative feelings? Too much worry & I have enough of that in my life already..lol I trusted her then & trust her now.
So as long as the husband let her know that he is not available then that is all he can do. Sure it is normal to get upset at the women who sent him this message but as long as she stops then it is nothing to worry about. Doing something to get even etc could be counter productive & she would see it as a challenge. To be angry at the husband for receiving the message is to get angry at him for something he didn’t do. By the way I mean that in a general way at not just the writer. When I dated a couple with jealousy issues they would get mad at ME for some woman flirting. I never did get that one..lol
As Alisa pointed out it might be productive to find out how he felt about this. Was he embarresed? Was it an ego boost? Do you do anything to make him feel special? Once again not a knock or a blame. It is unfortunatly pretty normal in marriage to forget to keep wooing our spouse like we did in the beginning (we are all guilty). We forget to make them feel special to us. We just start to take for granted that they already know. That makes them more suceptable to having the ego stroked & wonder why he/she doesn’t do that like they did when we met. I mean it is normal to get an ego boost that somebody was interested. I used to, although now I find it embarresing. I am that NUT onstage but shy guy offstage..lol Anyway I hope things are going well now. Thanks for an interesting conversation.
You ROCK Alisa
Ron
Personally, if I were on the woman side and another man was coming on to me, I would(out of respect for my boyfriend or husband) tell the other person that I am in a happy relationship and would appreciate that person not contacting me. I would hope my significant other would have the same respect for me and tell someone the same. End it.
Amen Dawn,
One thing I have discovered over the years is that 99% of women will absolutely respect your boundries. Most who have ever flirted didn’t know I was married. As a drummer I can’t wear a wedding ring while playing. Because of where the sticks sit in my hand you keep getting those stinging shocks when you hit the rim on a drum. It’s kind of like hitting a baseball on the wrong part of the bat & can HURT!!!….LOL As a result many didn’t know at first I was married. But soon as I tell them most back off.
Somebody else mentioned that they find it flattering when somebody shows interest in their husband. My beloved kind of takes the same attitude. She has been to many shows before she became so ill & saw it first hand. She thought is was kind of cool that I got the attention. Her mindset was yea he is a good catch but I already caught him…lol
Keep On Rockin
Ron
Hello all….
Drummer Guy – My Marines always wear their wedding rings on their watchbands. I do not know if the rim to the drums will cause you problems there, but it might be worth a try.
I keep pictures of my wife and kids in my office. I sometimes fiddle with my wedding ring when I am in a situation that could become awkward. I never hug – handshakes only.
I disagree that sending a message of unavailability is the only thing someone can do. Said messages can be delivered emphatically, both with words and with abrupt endings to conversations, e-mails, texts, etc. Even in a position of community prominence, I have no difficulty stating that, as I mentioned, my wife comes first. No one comes second.
Take care.
RavSean
Thanks RavSean,
I never actually thought of that. I don’t wear a watch during a show only because I am afraid to damage it. I think I need to work on my aim…HA!!!
But it did give me the idea of putting it somewhere visible. Maybe on a neckless or chain type thing. When I worked in an office setting I always kept a picture from our wedding on my desk. It was one of us hugging & her holding the wedding License in her hand on my back. You couldn’t see my face but it got the message across. I had a caption under it that said “He’s mine & I have the papers to prove it”…lol
Thanks
Ron
Just one other thing in relating to this story. What does it say about this woman’s character who is making these advances (texts, calling, etc.) when she KNOWS this man is married and in a relationship? Same for a man trying to make advances toward a woman who is married or in a relationship. In my opinion it shows that this person making those types of advances simply has no respect, moral or compassionate character and doesn’t care if they break up a marriage or a relationship. And how much moral or compassionate character does this person on the RECEIVING end of these advances have if they don’t realize how hurtful this would be to their significant other? In a healthy, loving relationship, the person on the receiving end of such advances from another should in fact be putting this type of person in their place and also showing their significant other that they care enough to do so.
Drummer Guy I am glad you are back. I didn’t know what happened to you. I look forward to your words of wisdom.
@ Dawn, so true. Your advice is right on. I think for some my husband in particular is always worried about hurting others feelings. Well hello how about mine, do they not count for anything. this was an awkward situation because the woman in question is his best friends girl while I make no excuse for this behavior it was a weird situation. I was pleasantly surprised when he told her not to call or text him because I didn’t like that stuff, It was only then that I could let it go and move on. I guess I dont usually have it in me to let my hubby take care of things, I usually take care of it, sometimes in not a nice way. This really felt good to let him do it.
I believe I missed another part to this story,duh? How does the husband’s BEST FRIEND feel about HIS girlfriend who is coming on to(texting, calling, etc) HIS best friend who is, by the way, married? I take it she may not be his girlfriend anymore??
Greetings! I’ve been following your blog for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Lubbock Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the good work!
Oh really? I trust my husband, but you know what, I would have a difficult time if his only answer was “I love only you,” in the face of this aggressive woman. I would ask him to make her stop because that’s the only way I would feel safe and he should be willing to tell her in front of me to back the f**&^ off. I would also ask him to talk to his friend about his girlfriend’s blatant disrespect of our marriage.
I don’t believe in blind trust and I don’t believe in ignoring this type of aggression toward my husband. He obviously enjoys the attention, or he would’ve told her to bug off. That he shrugged it off and that was it is a big red flag.