9 Reasons Not to Retaliate

Whenever I have a traffic spike, it brings people to the site who have never been here before. They don’t necessarily know the rules and they haven’t read the manifesto. Some of them never plan to come back. They just want to deposit their anger and leave.

I’m going to have a traffic spike on Monday. It’s inevitable. My URL is going to be mentioned on the TODAY Show and something like 7 million people will be watching. Some of them are not going to like what I have to say. They are going to come here and they are going to try to bully me. Many of you have come to love me almost as much as you love your spouse. You are going to want to strike back. Please don’t. Here are 9 reasons why I don’t want you to retaliate.

1.     The ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com community is probably one of the most supportive communities on the web and that makes me proud. You all have learned ways to respectfully voice differences of opinion without resorting to attacks. You’ve learned how to see through anger and into the fear and sadness that usually lies behind it. You’ve learned to be compassionate in your collective struggles to improve your marriages. I want to keep it that way.

2.     I’ve already been called most of the names most people can think of. Because of the book, people have called me “selfish,” “conceited,” “overly dramatic,” and “clueless.” They’ve said that my book should never have been published and is a waste of money. They say that I should be committed, that I belong in a mental institution and that I am in dire need of a psychiatrist’s care. They say that my husband deserves better. You know what? I’m a big girl. More important, I know who I am and who I am not. I also know that you all know who I’m not, too.

3.     When you fight anger with anger, everyone loses. When you fight anger with compassion, at least one of you wins: you.

4.     Think of it as practice. I’m often preaching that retaliation is not the answer. Yet it’s not easy to hold back, especially when your spouse is spewing insults your way. If you practice not retaliating here on this site, it will strengthen the skill so you are better able to practice it at home, too.

5.     Angry people have always been the loudest minority. The majority of people who will come to the site tomorrow will not be angry. They will be desperate and in pain—and they will be searching for a warm and supportive community. Let’s give them the warm and supportive community they seek.

6.     Retaliation never feels good. It might for a moment, but that good sensation is similar to licking honey off a razor blade. Kindness and compassion always feels good. It’s like licking honey off a spoon.

7.     The nastiest people who come here will never come back.

8.     The nastiest people who come here are close-minded. Their minds will never change. It’s pointless to try.

9.     Some of the angriest people on the Internet are trolls. These are people (usually very young men) who troll sites and try to incite people. Their sole purpose is to destroy your peace of mind. They want to be heard. If you retaliate, you give them the gift that they seek and you allow them to achieve their purpose. If you refuse to hear them, you shut them down.

All of that said, I’m guessing that some of you will want to reply something because it’s, at times, hard to sort the true trolls from the folks who might be able to be converted, right? If you must respond, here are a few lines that might be okay to write: “Thanks for coming to the site. I see you are in a lot of pain. We’re here for you!” “Wow, it sounds like you’ve been through a really hard time. We’re here for you!” “Since you are here, you might want to look around. We hope you find something to ease the pain.” “It sounds like you have not read Alisa’s book. If you had, you might see things differently. We highly recommend it.” “Wow, that anger can’t feel good. Hang in there!”

You get the idea. Respond with compassion. It’s the only way to build a better world.