Dear William and Kate,
You are about to be married. You are probably feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. That fear will build in the coming days, no doubt, as the media reports story after story and as your friends continually give you marriage advice such as “never go to bed angry.”
Oh, you’ll hear a lot of advice on your wedding day. What follows is the advice that most people won’t tell you.
- Kate, people are going to tell you that you are beautiful on your wedding day. They will say this because it is true. You are. Make sure to tell William how great those words make you feel. Make sure he knows that you need to hear them, especially during the times when you are not feeling beautiful. Those times will come when you are not wearing a gown that cost thousands of dollars. They will come when you’ve been up all night with a baby or when you’ve got vomit on your shirt. Make sure he knows that those are the times when it’s most important for him to whisper, “You are so beautiful.”
- You are both good looking, rich and famous. As a result, people will continually throw themselves at you and offer their beautiful bodies to you free of charge. It’s important for you to know when you are emotionally vulnerable and to take precautions. Just as a dieter knows not to go into a chocolate shop when she’s hungry, you both ought to make an oath not to go to nightclubs after you’ve been in a fight or when you feel distanced from one another. It’s just safer that way.
- There will come a time when you think you’ve run out of things to talk about. You haven’t. You just need to try harder.
- Every marriage goes through a rough patch. When you go through yours, you will be tempted to believe that marrying each other was a mistake. That’s why it’s a good idea to make a list now of all of the reasons you’ve decided to spend the rest of your lives together. Then, when you can’t remember why you ever got married, you can read your lists.
- Associate with good friends who will not leak your marriage problems to the tabloids and who will not reinforce your negativity when you rant about your spouse. Good friends ask questions like, “What are you going to do about this?” They do not encourage you to believe that your spouse is despicable.
- William, whenever someone in your family asks you to do something that will affect Kate, say, “Let me check with my wife.” Kate, whenever someone in your family asks you to do something that will affect William, say, “Let me check with my husband.” If you make a decision without getting input from your spouse, say, “I’m sorry” and then make it right.
- There will be times when you do not agree. This is not a sign that there is a terminal problem in your marriage.
- There probably will be times when one or both of you is attracted to someone else. Assuming you do not act on that attraction, this is not a sign that there is a terminal problem in your marriage.
- Every problem has multiple possible solutions. Even if your spouse wants to try a different solution than you do, just be happy that you are doing something about the problem. Many couples don’t even get that far.
- You have already seen one another at your best, and that is why you’ve decided to get married. You will know you are truly in love, however, once you’ve seen one another at your worst and you’ve decided to stay married despite what you just saw.
- You are never stuck in your marriage. Being married is a choice. Every day wake up and make the choice to be married.
Readers: What marriage advice do you have for William and Kate? What have you learned the hard way that you hope the royal couple learns the easy way? Leave a comment.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you did a fabulous job already, Alisa. What a wonderful gift – and good advice for those of us who are married already, too.
I love this post! Thanks!
This is the first of your posts I have read and I found enjoyable.
… I would say a whole lot more about the difference between being ‘in love’ and the choice to ‘love’ – there are phases to a marriage. Having chosen to marry, you have also chosen to love – and as you stated it will not all be as thrilling as the days of being ‘in love’, and with the public watching your every movement there are additional pressures.
But my additional advice would be only 2 main things to remember
- 1) Always put each other first and 2) Sometimes it is good to go to bed angry – after a good sleep things often look a whole lot better
This is AWESOME!
One of the BEST posts you’ve ever written and something I will print out and give to my best friend who’s getting married next April (2012).
All of this is so very true! Especially the list of “why” to get married now, the hearing you’re beautiful, working it out and having good, supportive friends!
This is absolutely brilliant and I really do hope they come across this list, you have outdone yourself!
Thank you so much for sharing, Alisa!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. Marriage IS a choice, every single day, it’s a choice. I heard that BEFORE I got married and especially since I’ve chosen to not be married anymore–I couldn’t agree with that sentiment more!
I love this. Brutally honest about marriage. I have been looking for a blog site like this. Thank you
Find an older gentleman to be your friend. You can bitch about your marriage and get the man’s perspective.
ABSOLUTELY LOVED this Alisa. You do ROCK ya know!!!!!
Ron
My favorite one is this: Associate with good friends who will not reinforce your negativity when you rant about your spouse.
In desperate times, the best thing a good friend can do is say 1) He is still the love of your life 2) now get back in there and try something different this time instead of falling into the same patterns with each other.
P.S. & here is one,
When ” Honey pull my finger” is no longer funny it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other any more….lol
Yea like I can picture the future King saying “Honey pull my finger”…lol
I would add: take 30 minutes together every day, even if all you do is stare at each other. Compliment each other no less than three times a day. Do not let the intimate aspects of your life become perfunctory.
Ron – Jennifer never laughs when I tell her to pull my finger. Is there some aspect of marriage I am missing here?
Good posting Alisa.
It’s okay Ravsean my beloved never laughed at that either. But my in-laws did. I guess Karen didn’t inherit that part of her moms sense of humor…..lol
How about that you’d appreciate being treated with the same kindess, affection and laughter as the kids – especially when you’ve thrown a tantrum. We all have bad days.
I thought I had a great life, until my husband had an affair at work. we have 2 small children and were divorced 9 months ago. We have been spending time together, with our children, and that time is great. I dont want to marry him again just because of the kids but feel that family is so important. And I am deathly terrified he may cheat again. I have friends that do not support my decision to consider remarrying him as an option. Help I’m confused!
Sara, et al…
Family is important. Cheating is diametrically opposed to family. As parents, we are supposed to do more than drive carpool and kiss booboos. We are also supposed to model appropriate behaviour between husband and wife. As such, cheating is bad parenting. Getting divorced because of it can be a remarkably “family” thing to do. It tells our children both that there are limits to what can be done in a marriage and that there are limits to what they must tolerate.
All of that being said, you do not tell us about any of the conversations you and your ex have had. We do not know whether or not your ex is suffering the same confusion you are. Do not feel obligated to tell us. It is not really our business. If he is asking the same questions, it will be useful to get some professional help in answering them. That professional help is usually well-qualified to sort through the confusion. Please bear in mind that said professional help should have a standard practice of meeting with the couple both as a couple and as individuals. It should be the norm, and not “well I do not normally do that, but in your case I will.”
RavSean, happily watching the Toronto snow melt, finally.
Great advice. I haven’t been paying that much attention, but I really do wish them well. Marriage is hard enough without being under the microscope the way they will be.
good advice, Alisa, especially that bit about choosing good friends. Will and Kate have been together almost ten years now, so I’d hope they have worked out (or at least are familiar with) some of these things — though no doubt being married will work its own changes. be interested to hear your take on that aspect.
Kerry´s last [type] ..Steele the Show
LOVE it! I hope they read it!! I wish I had had this kind of excellent advice before I got married…
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..Ever Considered Writing to an Author Whose Book You Appreciated! It means a lot when you do
Great, wise advice for not only newlyweds but anyone who is married. You are a wealth of knowledge and understanding, Alisa and so right about everything.
sheryl´s last [type] ..Five Simple Ways to Get Fat
This would make a great gift to any married couple. Only one thing might be a little different for this couple. It’s not the same saying “Grandma wants us to come over for lunch” as “The Queen is expecting us for tea.”
Vera Marie Badertscher´s last [type] ..France on Friday- Paris Walks
Great advice. I truly hope they are as happy as they seem. I remember my older sister staying up to watch Lady Di marry Prince Charles (that was before DVRs, of course).
I’m really pulling for the royal couple, so I sincerely hope they read this post and abide by it! Of all the royal couples in recent decades, they do seem to be the most down-to-earth. I’m optimistic.
Jane Boursaw´s last [type] ..New Movie Friday- Hop! Insidious! Source Code!
What a different time is it today than when William’s father married for the first time. It seems like their marriage will be altogether different, too…different people, different time.
Nice set of tips that would benefit any soon-to-be-married couple.
Great post. I will be printing this out and keeping it in my purse for future reference.