How Not to Nurture Your Inner Child

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, there was a lot of talk about the inner child in all of us and the parents who screwed those inner children up. People were encouraged to rediscover that once carefree, happy-go-lucky kid who was stuffed down so a workaholic emotionless robot could emerge.

Let me be clear: I’m sure that psychological movement had a lot of merit. That carefree, desirable inner child is not, however, what I’m talking about in this post. Here I’m talking about your inner toddler (and teenager)—the one who is standing between you and a happy marriage. You don’t want to nurture this child. Rather, you want to grow him or her up.

Here are 4 tantrums your inner child throws that get in the way of a good marriage and happy life.

“That’s not fair!”

Last night my daughter was mad because we took her Nintendo DS away from her for a full week because she didn’t turn it off when her screen time was up. She ran to her room and cried. Later, she said, “It’s not fair that I only get so much screen time. Daddy gets as much screen time as he wants. He never has to turn off the TV, but you make me turn off my DS.”

It was a correct assessment. I said, “You know honey, I’m really glad you pointed that out. It’s true. It’s not fair. There are a lot of things in life that aren’t fair. It’s a good thing that you are getting used to that idea now. The more you fight against it, the harder it will be for you. You might as well just give in. It’s easier that way.”

As I said those words, I realized those are the same words I need to hear when I find my inner child shouting the same phrase. Marriage isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. Work isn’t fair. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. I’ve found that happiness usually surfaces once you’ve released the idea of fairness. It’s difficult to do because your inner child is going to scream and carry on and feel ever so justified, but it’s often the only solution.

“That’s mine!”

When my daughter was a toddler, she fought over a toy with another little girl. The two kids tugged and pulled on that toy as they shouted, ““Mine! Mine! Mine!” I had just read about a new parenting model that suggested letting children work out difficulties on their own. This new parenting model found that parents intercede too much, not giving children a chance to learn through trial and error. So I watched and laughed at the folly of these two girls.

Then they snapped the toy in two.

After that, I began setting a timer whenever my daughter got into a sharing match—giving her one minute with the toy and one minute without it.

Maybe I didn’t give hands-off parenting enough of a chance?

At any rate, most of us laugh (or cry) when toddlers do the “Mine! Mine! Mine!” thing. Yet many us say the same words as adults—we just don’t say them out loud. In marriage, we must learn to amicably share many precious resources—including time, money and space. Many marital arguments arise from the flawed belief that one person (you) doesn’t have to share. You can have it all. Think about that next time you find yourself gridlocked with your spouse over how to decorate the house, how to spend your free time, or how to spend your money. Are you sharing or are you both trying to hoard it all?

“But you started it!”

This one comes up during arguments. Your spouse calls you a name, so you decide it’s okay to call your spouse a name. When you respond to negativity with negativity, however, no one wins.

When you find yourself resorting to these tactics, think of what your mother used to tell you when you said, “But he started it!” She probably said something like, “I don’t care who started it. I don’t want you to behave like that. You know better.”

Use the same words on yourself, and be the one who starts a positive interaction rather than the person who further contributes to a negative one.

“But I don’t want to! You can’t make me!”

My daughter pulls this one on me whenever I ask her to do a chore like pick up all of her stuffed animals and put them in the basket where they belong. Sometimes my response is not quite evolved and sounds like this, “If you don’t pick those up right now, I’m going to give them all to some kids to respect their toys enough to keep them where they belong.”

On a better day, however, I’ll tell her that she can do something she wants (play a game with me) once she does this one thing she doesn’t want (pick up her toys). Usually she still resists. It’s then that I say, “It’s harder for you to resist than to actually do it. All of the anger that you feel right now is worse than actually picking up the toys.”

It’s the same thing I tell myself when I find myself resisting something that I know is good for my marriage (or life), but that I just don’t want to do. For instance, maybe I need to talk to my husband about a sensitive topic, but I’m resisting doing it because I don’t feel up to the task. It’s the resistance of a task that drains us of our energy. Resistance is hard. Acquiescence is easy. Which result would you rather achieve?

What are some other ways our inner children screw up our marriages? Are there ways your inner child can help your marriage?

NOTES

* Tomorrow I’ll either continue with the Biggest Marital Struggles series or write a companion post about how your inner child can help your marriage. It’s anyone’s guess, really.

* In the past, I offered a free ebook when you subscribed to this blog. I removed that option a couple months ago for technological reasons. I accidentally, however, forgot to remove the page that advertised the free ebook option (I have now done so). If you would like the Relationship Rules ebook click on the following link: PHEA-Relationship_Rules_f.

* Over at MotherTalkers, there’s a hot discussion about the idea of putting yourself first. Here’s an excerpt from the review of PHEA, “I receive lots of books for review. Some I never get to, while others are duds that I choose not to review. Then there is the occasional gem I am glad I took the time to read. That’s how I would classify Alisa Bowman’s Project: Happily Ever After.”

* Kiri Blakeley, author of Can’t Think Straight, did an interview with me for Forbes. I love her headline: She wanted her husband dead, but wrote a book instead. After reading this interview, several people decided that I was “selfish.” They apparently didn’t know that I am able to read their comments on about me on Facebook. That’s okay. I forgive them.

* For Momeo Magazine, I wrote 11 Things Friends of Work-at-Home Moms Usually Don’t Know.