The Question: My wife and I are on opposite sides of the universe on where we think our marriage is. I think we’re in trouble. She thinks things are great. A few months ago, I told her that the loneliest part of my day is between the time that I put our kids to bed and when one of us falls asleep. We don’t fight, but we don’t talk about anything important either. About a week ago, I told her how unhappy I was and asked that we go to counseling. I admitted that counseling was practically a last gasp at saving this. She begged me, in tears, not to make us do that. She assured me that she was happy, I did know her well, and that we could fix “my problems with her” (her words- not mine) on our own. She was upset enough that I relented and we’re trying to fix things “her way.” I’m wondering why it took a threat of leaving just to, at least superficially, make her a little more engaged. How can I really believe it’s genuine?
My Take: Why? She’s human, and most humans fear change. Most humans embrace the comfort of the familiar over the discomfort of the unfamiliar–even if the familiar is downright depressing, boring, lackluster, unsatisfying, and misery producing. This is why so many people stay in jobs that they hate. It’s why so many people maintain toxic friendships. It’s why people live in locations they profess to despise.
It’s also common for one spouse to be miserable while the other isn’t so miserable. This was the case in my marriage, too. I told my husband over and over that I was miserable. He didn’t pay attention until I mentioned that I was so miserable I worried I might have an affair (or kill him… or divorce him).
I can’t think of a test that will help you know for sure whether her desire for change is genuine. (Readers: can you?) But I also don’t have a test that you can use to see if your marriage project will work. In the end, we all must take a leap of faith when we embrace marriage improvement. There are no guarantees. Faith is a choice. You can choose to believe that her efforts are genuine. Or you can choose to doubt her. Since you’ve already made the choice to work on your marriage, you might as well also make the choice to believe in her, too. Why not?
As for the loneliest time of the day, think about being the change you want to see in your marriage. How can you initiate a greater connection and togetherness during this time of the day? What conversations will you start? What joint activities will you suggest? Tell her what you want. Lead her where you want your marriage to go.
You might enjoy these related posts: Conversation Starters for Conversation Starved Marriages, How to Fall In Love With Your Spouse All Over Again, and Conversation Starters for Married Couples.
Readers: Are you in a similar situation? Have you been in this situation before? Do you have advice to share? Please offer your support and words of wisdom.
UPDATES
* The Great PHEA Giveaway is now closed. I will be announcing winners in a couple days. Thanks for all of your entries!
* I wrote How to Get Out of the Romance Rut for FoxNews.com. The commenters there are not as friendly as you all, but I try to learn from their feedback.
* On the UrbanMuse, I wrote How to Launch a Virtual Book Tour Part 1 and How to Launch a Virtual Book Tour Part 2. To date, more than 80 sites have written about PHEA and I expect more than 120 to do so before the tour ends. You can read all of the reviews, interviews and guest posts here.
* ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com was picked as one of the Guide’s to Online Schools top relationship blogs. Lots of other great sites are listed.
* My Little Review Corner reviewed PHEA saying, “There were parts of the book that I knew I could never do myself (but they made me laugh my head off!), including when Alisa decided to get a bikini wax called “The Martini Glass”! There were other parts of her project that I could see myself talking to my husband about and trying to do (such as writing one another letters including all the things that you love about each other). I think the most interesting part was that reading Project: Happily Ever After actually opened a dialogue between my husband and myself – I mentioned the book to him and he asked me to give him a synopsis (you should have seen the look on his face when I told him about Alisa planning her husband’s funeral!) and then he asked me what she and her husband actually tried to bring them closer together. I thought the fact that Alisa’s book got my husband and I talking about things we could do to make our marriage stronger was a very cool thing!”
* Pikes Peak Parent reviewed PHEA. Until I read this review, I thought that my book was a bit light on the sex scenes, especially when compared to my friend Kiri’s book I Can’t Think Straight. I suppose that all depends on your perspective. Here’s an excerpt, “While several of her stories were amusing, some are not for the reader who prefers PG over R-rated books. However, Bowman does have a way with humor and is brutally honest. I laughed at her too-familiar description of coming home with a baby and having nursing challenges, but I know way more about bikini waxes than I ever wanted.”
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t think of a test that will help you know for sure whether her desire for change is genuine. (Readers: can you?)
My answer to the above: you’ll see the change when there is change.
I recently asked my husband to go to counseling. He agreed. I haven’t found us a counselor yet, because from all the talking we did that particular day, things started to change.
I wanted more interaction: all I have to do is say “we need to spend some time together” and we spend some time together.
We need to talk more: I tell him we should spend some time talking, I start talking.
Kind of how Alisa puts it “think about being the change you want to see in your marriage”. That’s basically what I started doing.
My marriage isn’t perfect. But I think I’d be bored with perfect. It is better than it was a few months ago. But in hind sight, I was going thru a difficult time with women friends. So I was already overly stressed and the tiniest thing in my marriage made me think it was HORRIBLE. When it really wasn’t. But it has still improved.
I hope this all works out for you and your wife.
Not sure of any awnsers..but I am in same situation..my husband an I have been going through really rough patch for over a year..he is 100 work and can’t focus on anything else during the week..which leaves me and our two boys..alone all week in a new place w no friends etc etc..
Anyway, I finAlly am making myself and us..go seek therapy
I feel it is all I have left..we are stuck in this rut and every time we talk and try to make it better..it’s good for a week or two..then were right back where we started..same issues all over again.
Anyway, just wanted to share and let you know you are not alone
I didn’t believe in ultimatums and then i got desperate and took advice and gave one and today my husband walked out the door because he no longer loves me and would rather leave me and our 2 boys then try to repair it. So I can only say do all you can to repair the distance. But I do not think today is a day that I should be giving out any advice. I guess I ordered the PHAE book too late it should arrive tomorrow:(
Iva–I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s so hard to be given up on. Hang in there. My heart goes out to you. I know others here in the community are praying for you, too.
My husband and I have always had our difficulties. But most of it came to a head after he deployed to a combat zone for a second time, just 5 weeks after the birth of our 4th child. He decided he wasn’t happy with our marriage, and that if we didn’t seriously work on things and actually try to change our situation, he would file divorce papers when he came home for R&R. I’ll admit, our marriage kinda sucked. For a number of reasons. But his ultimatum was a very serious wake up call. At first I was so mad that he would lay it on me like that. For our childrens’ sake, I told him I would try to change things on my end, if he’d be willing to work on things on his end (to the extent he can). It took several weeks, but things really started turning around. All we have is conversation right now. We can’t be together because he’s overseas, and being at completely opposite time zones, we have to schedule the times we can talk, then we’ll email each other at our bedtimes. We’re actually happier than we’ve been in years. Everything is renewed because we’ve opened up to each other. Every feeling and thought is laid out, accepted, understood and worked through. We were not very good at communicating our real emotions to each other before..now we can do so easily. Hoping we’ll be able to keep it up after he returns in several months and we have to put a lot of stuff in to “real” action! LOL.
My husband can see my changes in how I respond to him now. At first, I wasn’t very genuine..but as long as I acted like it was..it started becoming more so. He also knew I was really serious because I went on the web late one night and spent an obscene amount of money on various marriage books (including PHEA!) and I email him about what I’ve read and what I think it means and what he thinks. I see the changes in him in his patience with me. He’s not the most patient person, but I can see him really trying to understand me. I’m happy to say, in the course of a few months, we’re a lot further away from divorce than even 5 years ago. And who says long distance relationships never work!
I finally reached the point where I could see no other solution and I told my husband he should move out. He was shocked that I was THAT miserable even though I had been telling him that for months. He didn’t move out. We have had many long talks since then. It’s still pretty rough some days but we are making progress. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before things get better. I hope that was our rock bottom. Of course there are no guarantees. But there is hope. Don’t give up as long as she is willing to try!
There is a story about a couple who have been married for many many years. A newlywed asks them what the secret to their long marriage is and the man thinks hard and finally says that he and his wife never wanted to get a divorce at the same time. I think that is priceless. And it’s real. It may not be the fairytale that we all want, but it’s real.
On Alisa’s “be the change you want”, there is a story. A woman went to a counselor and told him that she didn’t want to save her marriage, that she wanted to really hurt her husband as she walked out the door, just destroy him!! Would he tell her how to do that? The counselor was taken aback by the request, but since she had told him want she wanted, he told her “Act like you are in love with your husband. Do the things that you did when you and he were in love, before. Make him fall in love with you again, and then, when he is totally in love with you again, walk out. That will destroy him.”
A couple of months went by and the counselor from time to time wondered if he had done the right thing, so finally he called the phone number that had been given at the time of the appointment. The wife answered the phone and when he asked about her plan, she hemmed and hawed, and then said, “Well, I’m not going to leave him. When I started doing as you suggested, and changing what I did, to make him fall in love with me again, he changed, and he’s the man I fell in love with.”
Simplistic story? Yeah, but it helps to illustrate “be the change you want”. As to the original question, about ‘genuine’ change, I would remind the man that the idea that marriage is a 50-50 proposition is wrong – it is a 100-100 proposition. You give 100% and don’t worry about if she is giving 100%. You be the change that you want and you will know if it is genuine by time.
There does seem to be something in romantic relationships where it sometimes takes a serious wake up call before one side is motivated to take action. Sometimes that wake up call comes to late as one party just checks out & sometimes leaves. So at least it didn’t happen to late. If we all looked at couples we know we would probably hear the same familiar story. “He/She didn’t want to do anything as I kept telling him/her there were problems. Now when I want to leave he/she wants to go to counseling”.
I think Alisa has it right on target. Many times one side seems content about something that may be making the other miserable. Usually it takes a wake up call to motivate the other to take action on it. It only stands to reason. If one side is comfortable why would they want to change something they are happy with? Basic human nature. Looks like the wife had that wake up call. It is sad that maybe it took this for it to happen but the good news is she has shown by her actions that she does love him & wants it to work out.
I’m not much of one for ultimatiums or ‘test”. That could cause a knee jerk reaction from the other of going in the wrong direction. It would make the other angry. There are exceptions of course in the case of infidelity I E dump him/her or I am gone. But I remember a couple of different dating situations where the woman tried to give me a “lets see if he loves me test” & I failed them on purpose. I knew what they were doing & didn’t have time for games..lol
One was funny. The girl I had been dating for some time called me up & said ‘I think we should see other people so maybe we should break up”. I knew exactly what she was doing so I just said “well okay if that’s how you feel & hung up”. It took maybe 30sec for her to call crying & saying “how could you do that, if you really loved me you would beg me to stay”, type stuff. I just told her that I graduated high school years ago (I was probably 21 or so at the time) & didn’t have time for high school games. Another lady I was dating before I met my beloved did something similar & she was in her 40′s & should have known better. I intentionally flunked that one too…lol
She was the last one I dated before I met my beloved. The point being be careful for any test. They can backfire.
Anyway my personal opinion (& it is just that, an opinion) is that her actions have shown she is serious about wanting to make things better. Yes it took something drastic to happen but that is pretty much par for the course. I wish you both the best & many happy years ahead.
Ron
My husband and I are day to day. The anger is always simmering but I have gotten to the point where , threatening, cajoling , begging, haven’t motivated him to change and I have changed as much as I can ( strike that actually I should say am willing to) so now all I want is peace in my life. Some days are really good, some are OK, and others I just disconnect so they don’t bother me.
I am a much happier person since I just have chosen not to be baited. I really do believe that the positive energy you put out there will reap positive rewards and some days it is Ok to fake it. Days where I absolutely won’t be dragged into the negative and instead go exercise at the gym, spend time with my girlfriends, or sit quietly and read a book I am starting to look forward to.
Today with the heavy ice storm, my husband got out of bed pissing and moaning about having to commute with me through the slush and ice and generally started the day out at a very high level of stress just to get to work. I told him I was not going to partner with him in this attitude walked away from his tirade and relaxed with my coffee and a good book until he was ready to leave. If he wasn’t ready within an hour I was just going to leave without him and he could get to work on his own.
He is beginning to realize that the nastiness and negativity are not going to move me. It is so hard to believe how positive, upbeat and friendly he can be publicly but when it is just the two of us he is negative, nasty and quite the downer. A real Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and I will not enable anymore.
Iva: I am one of the people who will be praying for you.
Iva, you will be in my prayers (Joanne, i have missed you. I have been lurking lately because life is in shambles now and I dont have anything positive to add, but I have been thinking of you and some of the readers going through a hard time)
Having just lived through this type of situation, I can really relate. Last year, my wife said she was not happy and wanted a divorce. When I asked why she was not happy, I never got specifics. I got a bunch of broad stroked BS. She said I was not happy. So I have carefully weeded my way through these broad, angry accusations, and really worked to SHOW her that I love her.
Now, we are doing better. She says she no longer wants a divorce. But there are days where it doesn’t “feel” like she means that. Since she has said that I cannot talk to her about it, I just seem to pull away physically, and emotionally. I busy myself. Then in a couple of days, she might ask what is wrong, or want to hold hands.
Bottom line is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I am showing her I love her with actions, i.e. doing dishes, laundry, fixing house, etc. If your spouse loves you, they will do whatever is needed to SHOW you, daily or often. You need to communicate to your spouse what actions speak love to you the most.
Iva – praying for you. Please consider checking out a book by Dr Gary Chapman, called “Hope for the Seperated”.
Having just lived through this type of situation, I can really relate. Last year, my wife said she was not happy and wanted a divorce. When I asked why she was not happy, I never got specifics. I got a bunch of broad stroked BS. She said I was not happy. So I have carefully weeded my way through these broad, angry accusations, and really worked to SHOW her that I love her.
Now, we are doing better. She says she no longer wants a divorce. But there are days where it doesn’t “feel” like she means that. Since she has said that I cannot talk to her about it, I just seem to pull away physically, and emotionally. I busy myself. Then in a couple of days, she might ask what is wrong, or want to hold hands.
Bottom line is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I am showing her I love her with actions, i.e. doing dishes, laundry, fixing house, etc. If your spouse loves you, they will do whatever is needed to SHOW you, daily or often. You need to communicate to your spouse what actions speak love to you the most.
Iva – praying for you. Please consider checking out a book by Dr Gary Chapman, called “Hope for the Separated”.
Hi all,
New to the website. Love it! I have what I hope will be helpful advice. It worked for me and began to turn a separation headed for divorce into a happy, functional marriage. This is what I did to “get my husband to talk”. Ready? It’s admittedly deceptively simple, but for many women I know, included myself, it is really really hard to do. Here it goes. 1. ASK A QUESTION 2. LISTEN FOR AN ANSWER. 3. PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH. 4. LISTEN A LITTLE LONGER. 5. WHEN THE ANSWER COMES, DON’T INTERRUPT. 6. WHEN THE ANSWER IS OVER ASK A FOLLOW UP QUESTION OR SAY “TELL ME MORE”. 7. REPEAT.
If anyone tries this, I’d love to hear how it went. I first tried this while separated from my husband in July of last year. We were headed for divorce when I decided to take some responsibility for my own part in our unhappiness. On the recommendation of a friend I attended a workshop called “understanding men satisfying women”. There, I started to understand my husband and young boys better and to speak so they can hear me and behave so they can respect me.
It’s been a busy year: I asked my husband to leave January 2010 afraid that our fights would escalate to unthinkable heights. yadayadyada lots of personal work and workshops, we went on a date in July where I listened to him talk about baseball and for the first time actually learned something about the game. He moved back in August, we celebrated our 10th year anniversary in September, and took a second honeymoon in December. And here I am, happily married a year after I thought my world was over.
Now, I’m not saying that listening will magically turn a broken marriage around, but it’s a free, no tools-needed way to start! I’m happy to share some of the resources that helped me along, so let me know.
Best of luck everyone!
Sabrina:
I too have not contributed much for basically the same reasons. Nothing positive to contribute and this blog needs to be a positive format . All I could offer for quite a while was a bitch session and that is rarely positive for those around me. I also took one of Alisa’s book suggestions ( not comfortable saying which one yet) and after reading it realized that I have been living someone else’s life and not my own truth. I am in the process of working through that now. Just accepting myself and not buying into other people’s problems and bad behavior is liberating. Now I just have to set about setting up the rest of my life to live MY life on my terms.
I hope you responding today means you are doing better too.
Alisa- the beauty of this blog is that even if a marriage saved it is till helping the individual to come to a resolution that they can feel they have done all they could and some things just can’t be prevented. I am at peace and mostly happy.
@ Joanne,
My divorce date is a week from today. I have moments of missing what we had, but after what he has done, I know I dont want to be with him. I am experiencing what the author experienced in “How to Sleep in a King Size Bed” with reconnecting with someone from the past, but had a wake up call recently that told me I really wasnt ready to move on. There are a lot of things in my life still in shambles and i jumped before I was truly ready. I talked myself into attempting to be happy before I was ready. Just hoping I didnt hurt the guy in the process.
But upwards and onwards to a better life one way or another.
Alisa – even though my marriage has come to an end, i continue to frequent this site because it continues to help me in many ways
My husband and I had been together for 11 yrs and we had talked about getting married but it never happened. Then Alisa you posted a blog and I responded by talking about how I had fantasized about leaving, planned it out but when it came right down to it I had chose to stay with him because his love for me was commitment enough. This meant that my staying with him was a deliberate choice.
I asked him to read it with the intention of showing him it no longer mattered if we ever got married. I told him I posted it here and a week later he proposed. I don’t know if he felt threatened or what. I asked and he just said, “Say yes.” So I did.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
However my first husband was different. YIKES! I went to counseling alone because he said I was the one who needed it not him. He refused to go as a couple. So I used the time to come to groups with my relationship. It was abusive.
The therapist told me to journal my experiences for two months. Read it over and then decided what I wanted to do. I had made the step saying I was unhappy, asked my ex to join me in therapy so I did the journal. At the end of two months I read it over and cried for a couple of hours.
The therapist also said not to threaten. If I felt it was time to leave, I should just leave. So I did and my ex was totally flabbergasted when I did. Sigh
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
Maureen: I wish you all the best in your second marriage, I loved your story.
Oh this second time round is soooo much better. We have our ups and downs but its really been 13 yrs of bliss and we met on line. However for the first 2.5 yrs we lived 500 miles apart.
We actually wrote to each other for 6 months before we even met. Then we talked on the phone daily for 2 yrs then moved in together. I think we made the effort to really get to know each other before we committed to being together. We used to play “tell me something I don’t know about you.” Every time we called we agreed to share something about each other that the other didn’t know. By the time we made the committment to be together we pretty much knew all there was about each other. We eventually ran out of new things to share.
But I’ve never used an ultimatum with him and I never will. Which is probably why I wrote the story.
Sadly sometimes it takes the threat of a marriage ending for someone to open their eyes and see. This is exactly what happened to me. I guess I took for granted the marriage that I thought was so comfortable, then bam! it all came to a screeching halt. I think a lot of times men and women dont speak the truth about what bothers them. Then resentment settles in and a problem that was probably a mole hill is now a mountain. Communication is key. Well my hubbys eye opening event really helped me to change and become proactive in our relationship. I may have neglected him some and now I pay more attention.
Thank you for the kind words and support. Today it is better, I have even laughed. Granted if you knew my 4 year old you would understand how hard it is to be around him and not laugh:) This has given me a few more lessons. I think I am going to get some counseling as well. Just to help me decipher what is right and what is me being co dependent and scared, help me to get through this the best way for everyone especially the boys. He took your book with him this morning, I have no idea if he will actually read it but he knowingly took it when i put it next to his planner. (he has come over to take care of the boys and get one off to school while i was at work early) so I am still having hope but I am also gonna still work on me and what we are gonna do with out him. Honestly the hope he gave me has made today easier but has also left me scared. He is crying all the time and missed work he was so upset so I am so confused about why he is doing this. Again thank you all. I am doing all I can to treat him with love and respect through this with out sacrificing my self esteem.
I was out to dinner recently with two other couples and while I don’t encourage gossiping it was very apparent that one of our friends was having alot of problems. It was very hard to get the husband to even commit to a dinner date, he rescheduled twice, his work was always more important. His wife was silent and hurt but when my other friends questioned weather they would make it or break up like so many other friends we’ve had U felt very sjurely that they would make it. I didn’t want to be pulled into that conversation but after I said I thought they would be fine in the long run the rest of our friends at the table pressed my for why I was so sure.
I could tell by the way they talked about each other. They did not have a cross word with each other publically, they didn’t talk badly about each other either. It was obvious that they loved each other but had maybe just misplaced each other. That is saveable,.
Ivey your last post sounded like that. You may have cause to be somewhat optomistic.
To all of you wonderful ladies going through divorce I have some promises for you:
I promise it will get better with time.
I promise you will be a stronger person for having lived through this.
I promise you will live through this.
And while I can’t promise you will find someone a million times better, I would make a bet you will.
I lived through an awful divorce and I am married for the second time. It took me a couple years after my divorce to start dating again. I went on about fifty really bad first dates. Three good ones. The final good first date led to marriage. My marriage is not perfect but it is tons better than my first.
You are all in my prayers!
So I know this is super opptomistic, but I am wondering what people think of giving up. It took my leaving to get my husband to “wake-up.” The problem is that in order for me to get to the point of being able to say I was leaving I knew I had to be willing to leave so I had to emotionally detach myself from him (which was a big deal I have no family and his family has been so important to me, so losing him would mean losing them as well). I had begged him to change before but never gave an ultimatum because I didn’t want to blackmail him, so I decided to leave not if you don’t do this I am leaving.
Well that was 2 months ago, he begged me to stay and we have been going to counciling. He has transformed into a different person, but yet I still don’t love him. If I had left when I orginally was going to, I felt I was justified he was emotionally abusive and terrible to me for 7 years (which he admits), but now he is being perfect but I just don’t feel the same towards him which I know isn’t fair. Part of me wishes I had just left, now if I leave I am afraid it will jade him for life since he is working so hard and its not doing anygood.
I know so many people who keep trying and now he is even trying but I don’t want to. Does this make me a horrible person? Any thoughts from those who have or haven’t given up?
@Mel I did the same thing. I severed my emotional connection to him. Not to mention I was afraid of him. You are not a horrible person, just a healthy one creating emotional safety for yourself. Also there is no time limits on how long it will take to regain trust and feel safe. If he cares enough has really changed, he will be willing to wait.
My relationship was an abusive one as well.
I’m not a quitter but he was one scarey dude. We still run into each other with events having to do with our kids. I start to think he might’ve changed but then out of the blue I see or hear about a little thing he says or does to his girlfriend or the kids. He was always good at making himself appear as “the good guy”. But that one little thing and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he is still the same.
Would he have changed if I stayed? Don’t know. Am I responsible for him not changing? Nope and neither are you. At least he is in therapy with you. That is a good sign. Just concentrate on yourself. You are the only one you have control over.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Welcome to my world
Thanks Maureen, the emotional abuse is i think what makes it so hard to reconnect. I feel almost like I am making it up and it took a long time for me to admit what it was. I in no way would say its worse than physcial abuse but in someways I think if he had physically abused me it would have been easier. you can show someone bruises including yourself, emotions are much harder to see and “show.”
I honestly couldn’t admit that he was being emotionally abusive to me until my mother in law came to visit and afterwards called me and told me that he was being abusive to me and needed to charge or I needed to leave. I am not super close to my MIL, so that was real wake up call that my husband on his best behaviour (in front of his parents) was still coming off as being emotionally abusive. That outside unprovoked observation was really a turning point for me, so for everyone out there I would encourage you to tell someone if you think they are being emotionally abused. Hearing someone else say it makes the person feel less crazy and like its all in their head