The marital struggle: The biggest struggle in my marriage is appreciation and recognition – and the road runs both ways. I find myself resenting him for not recognizing or appreciating all the hard work I put in on the house and with the kids (while working and going to school) and he feels the same about slaving away at a job he hates so that I don’t have to work full time and am able to go to school.
My Take
It sounds as if you are both mired in a marital cold war. You don’t feel appreciated, so you do something to cause him to not feel appreciated. He doesn’t feel appreciated, so he retaliates. And on it goes.
The good news is that it only takes one of you to break the cycle. The bad news: since you are the one reading this, that person is you, and this is going to require a great deal of humility on your part. This is what I suggest.
Be the appreciation you want to see in your marriage. Make it your daily goal to out-appreciate your spouse. Thank him – sincerely—as often as possible, and even for the most minor of behaviors. Appreciate him with a warm tone of voice and a smile. Laugh at his jokes. Listen when he talks. Compliment him. And resist the urge to retaliate. This will be difficult. Your inner voice will probably whine that it’s not fair and that you deserve to be appreciated, too. Your inner child is going to want to fight back and get him back for every unappreciative gesture. Keep telling yourself that this is your time to grow, that you are choosing happiness over fairness, and that this will all eventually pay off.
Wish your spouse happiness. Every day—once in the morning and again at night—sit quietly somewhere, envision your spouse, and mentally wish him happiness. This will help you to humanize your spouse. It will also help you to forgive him, overcome lingering resentment, and have the courage to accomplish the previous advice about appreciation.
Practice asking for help. And reward your spouse whenever he jumps on an opportunity to help you.
Deal with the elephant in the room. It seems as if a lot of your unappreciative digs might be the result of a larger problem. My husband and I had a similar problem in our marriage a few years ago. He worked 7 days a week at his business, but had little to no income. I wanted to support him, but I just couldn’t. We fought around the issue for a long time. Finally I got up the nerve to have a frank discussion about his work hours and we worked together to come up with various solutions. When I read the phrase “a job he hates,” I thought, “There’s the elephant.” I’m not telling you to give up school. I’m not telling you to work full time. I’m just suggesting you address the elephant. Talk about the bigger problem and brainstorm ways you can support one another through this transitional hard time. How can you build each other up and support one another when you are both stressed and overwhelmed?
Your Take
Readers: How would you solve this problem? Have you overcome such a marital struggle? What advice do you have to offer? Can you commiserate?
UPDATES
* I will be doing a limited book club tour throughout the year. If your book club meets in Northern Delaware or South Eastern Pennsylvania and you would like me to visit after you’ve read Project: Happily Ever After, contact me.
* If you are local to Pennsylvania, please come to my book signing this Saturday. You can win a romance swag basket.
* 40Licious ran an interview with me about marriage at midlife. Here’s an excerpt, “I often tell folks who develop the Mid Life Wandering Eye that they must recommit themselves to their marriages all over again. They also must rediscover their spouses all over again. And they must teach their spouses to give them what they seek: attention, romance and affection.”
* WFMZ interviewed me about emotional hoarding and also about how to stage a marriage intervention.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
The “elephant in the room” really struck a chord with me. My husband has the same frustration about being stuck in a job that he hates. I have learned not to ask “how was your day” when he comes home because he goes off on how it was lousy & boring as always. Similarly I can’t tell him about my day because if it was good, he makes a snarky comment about “wish I could that about my day” and if it was not so good, then it’s “well, at least you’re not stuck in a job you hate.” So that really limits conversation topics & stifles intimacy. And makes me feel lonely because it’s nice to talk about the ups & downs of your day with someone, especially as I work at home alone (I run my own business).
I feel badly for him, but this has been going on for almost 20 yrs (he has worked for the same company since day 1), but I can’t fix it for him. He won’t change jobs because he can’t handle the thought of starting over in a new company, he’s extremely introverted and has no network of friends. And it’s a great compan to work for in terms of benefits, stock options, etc. He doesn’t want to give that up.
I guess we also need a frank discussion but just can’t figure out how to do it. If we’re having a good day, I don’t want to rock the boat. If it’s a bad day, no way am I going to try to have a ‘heart to heart!’ So I am very eager to read your book, which I just received, as I hope to find some tips on how to move forward in this difficult time.
I can relate to you Suzy and the article. My husband/marriage was fabulous when we first got married. Two years ago, with all my blessings and support my husband ventured off to start his own company. I thought that meant making your rules, working for yourself, etc. Wrong! It meant longer hours, 100 hours a week April-October and doing it solo along with the accounting, bids, blue print drafts, etc. The weight of the world has been on his shoulders. But, he LOVES his job. So much so that his job has taken my place. He tells me it’s for “us” and we’re on a 5 year plan but I can’t help but think that I want my happy now, not in 5 years after the business is a huge success. (the reason he works so much is the business is a million times better than either of our dreams) We actually started counseling. I resent him following his dream even if it does mean a great future. I want to be on the front burner instead of the back burner as he pursues his career. I can’t rock the boat when he works 100 hours because he is too tired to discuss it and it causes problems/fights. But, when it is going good I don’t want to ruin it with a heart to heart because he gets tired of listening to me whine that I want a husband home every night. It’s REALLY hard! We started counseling so the cycle doesn’t continue. I totally see his side of making the business a success for our family and future but I also see my side of I don’t feel like we can put our marriage on hold for this so-called better future. I’m afraid we’ll lose each other in the process. He, of course, doesn’t see it that way. The key word is balance, and we’re trying to find the right balance for us.
Kristy, you said “…he gets tired of listening to me whine that I want a husband home every night.”
How different our lives are! I am so relieved when my husband is NOT home. I hate walking on eggshells, having to worry that something I say or do will irritate him. And when I envision a life without him (much like Alisa had done), I think ‘OMG, how wonderful and incredibly refreshing it would be to just do what I want or need to do with my life, without having to worry about making someone mad.”
There seems to be a theme here. In almost all your posts the common thread in all these situations is this. Whatever you want from a relationship that is the way you should be. Want communication then be a communicator. Want love? Then give love. Want to be appreciated then be appreciative. And if nothing happens know you’ve improved yourself and let go of what you cannot change.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Welcome to my world
Maureen–You got an A+ on this assignment. I guess I’m in a “be the change” phase right now, so it’s showing up in everything I write.
Funny thing, and only to compliment what Maureen said, I am listening to “Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage”. Guess what it says at the end of the book? To properly care and feed for your marriage, give, Give, GIVE, and GIVE some more.
@Maureen, that last line is pure gold. Keep it up.
Maureen is right on so many levels, and even though I couldn’t save my marriage, I still want to put my two cents in from time to time. I hope no one minds.
I know Alisa has said it on other posts but it is important so it bears repeating. The very first thing you need to realize as you decide to be the change you want to see is to start by forgiving the humanness of your mate. No one is perfect, we are all flawed and no one can give 100% all the time. I think that is why we have such a strong desire to pair up to begin with. We are all looking for someone to complete us. That infers that we are not 100% all the time ourselves.
We all understand “modeling” lessons we want our children to learn so it isn’t so much of a reach to model the changes we need from our spouse.
I agree with Maureen and the rest of you ladies completely. I guess my internal struggle is how much can one person give? I don’t mean that I’m perfect in any way but I’m pretty confident in my giving on a myriad of levels (physically, emotionally). It’s also my love language. My husband who started his business works 100 hours a week. We’re on the “5 year plan”. But, if I had known this plan meant pushing our relationship to the back burner so the business was a success I would have never signed up for it. My husband is too tired to do anything after working so much and he can barely muster up conversation after these long, arduous hours. He keeps telling me there is a light at the end of the tunnel….I’m just afraid that at the end of the tunnel we’ll be 2 different people because we put “us” on hold for his dream job. When I say I give I mean I am always talking, communicating, I cook 4-5 nights a meal (make my meal at 6pm and his meal at 10pm when he gets home) and I’m not talking frozen foods, I love to feed people/him. I take care of the entire house, work 48 hours a week myself, still find time for my fabulous circle of friends, have a kick butt social life and am always available for my husband. But I feel like I am always left hanging. If I wanted to be alone I’d be single. I want to share my life with him but there is no free time at his end. Yes, the money he makes is fabulous and so are the vacations. But, if I had to select one I will forever choose him. I don’t care to sit in my fabulous house when there is no time for love or companionship inside the house. We have a great counselor who is helping but I still feel frustrated. She said in a marriage we get stuck in this rut ” I nag because he _______ I ___________because she nags scenario.” You can fill in the blank with whatever the problem is (drinking, workaholic, shopaholic, sex problems, drugs, etc.) It’s true. It’s hard. It’s a work in progress. Each day I wake up and try….and I guess that’s the best I can do.
I can sympathize with all of the wives of men with bad jobs. My husband was one of those men but his was solved despite his willingness to find a new job. He was laid off and really angry about it last February. The six months he was off was financially difficult but well worth it. He got six months to re center himself and seek counseling. He found a new job that he absolutly loves. So there is hope.
I am trying really hard to be the change I want to see. Sometimes it can be hard when I feel over worked and under loved.
@Kristy I distinctly remember saying that exact same line to myself. “If I wanted to be alone. I’d be single”.
Then I thought, hmmm well if I leave I will be truly single and there might not be any turning back. But if I stay, I can lead the single life AND stick around to work on this relationship. As soon as I changed my mind a subtle shift occurred. It was like a cosmic nudge.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Welcome to my world
Before I got married, I had this attitude. I had found myself being unappreciated so I decided to become the most appreciative person I could be.
My wife ultimately found this annoying, that I would thank her for the most trivial things. So now, if I over-do to thanking, I get the notion that I’m being manipulative, and putting pressure on her to behave in the same way.
Somewhere, there’s a line between living the Golden Rule and manipulating others through your behavior.
John: You make a very valid point. I also think that being overly appreciative can sound condescending (sp?). I always try to say thank you but I know that it sometimes comes out wrong. It does make me wonder when it stops being the Golden Rule and starts to become manipulating or condescending.
Appreciation: so inexpensive to give; so valuable to receive.
This post comes at just the right time. I cried my eyes out at counseling this week because I feel unappreciated. All of my adult life has been dedicated to my family and my home. I have only ever worked part time. Last year my husband made it very clear that he was resentful that I have never contributed financially to our household. I have always been grateful to him for providing me the opportunity to be the kind of mother that I wanted to be and with all his anger about my lack of financial contribution it makes me feel unappreciated. It’s like I’ve lost who I am. Why would he let me feel like it was ok all these years then 23 years later decide oh by the way you have been useless to me all these years. My counselor thinks I should go back to school, I don’t think my head is in it right now. I have been looking for a job. I don’t really know how to show more appreciation to him to get some in return.
I am sure that everybody has felt underapreciated at times. If we were being honest I think all of us have been resentful at some point. Each spouse brings different things to the table. We however seem to have this thing in us that instead of being thankful for the things the other does we focus in on & resent the things they don’t. I wonder why that is? We all do it at some point or on some level. As Lisa shared she spent years providing a stable home life but her husband focused on a lack of income being brought in, instead of being thankful for all the did. Not picking on ya Lisa your example was the closest..lol Sometimes it goes the other way. A spouse becomes resentful that THEY aren’t be the one to stay home, or the one to work etc.
I LOVE what Alisa talks about. Be the change you want to see. If resentment builds up then it can really eat away at opportunities we have at happiness. It can be a cause of us focusing on the things missing instead of the things present. It can really become a vicious cycle causing both spouses to be angry & resentful. It can even cause resentment that the other spouse resents something…lol I know kind of like, “He said that I said that he said that you said”…lol :-p
Resentment is something I dealt with on a HUGE level about a year into my beloved’s illness. The financial devistation it caused, the loss of intimacy & the list goes on & on. I DID have to get therapy to learn to deal with everything. She taught me how to redirect it. Another thing I learned was that as long as I resented the things I don’t have I will never appreciate the things I do have.
Sure we can’t have a normal marriage. We can’t do the things other couples do. We can’t have a sex life. We don’t have as much “us” time as I would like. We have very little time to just talk. It’s hard to do when she sometimes sleeps 20 hours in a day just from being so sick & sometimes sedated. But I am SO thankful that there still is an “us” to be thankful for. 6 Years ago I was told she wouldn’t make it but a year or so. If we look at it in the thought of maybe it isn’t what I would prefer but it could all be gone in a flash we could refocus our energies. We could stop resenting what is missing & be thankful for what is there. This can allow us to “be the change we want to see”.
Keep Rockin Alisa
Ron
Dear Alisa, My husband and I were married 20 years ago, of course we were financially broke. I was working at law firm making next to nothing and he was a really articulate and talented non-working musician. It’s a long story, but in short, eventually, with a lot of my help he got a gig scoring television commercials, and as I knew he would, he quickly became very successful. I got pregnant with twins and we both agreed that I stay home and take care of them. Since daycare would cost as much as I was making, and of course it would be better for their mother to take care of them, rather than a stranger! Right? Ha. I had the twins and raised them, not easy. My husband worked from 7 am to midnight all of the time. He’d come home once in awhile to see his kids but would go back to work, and we needed the money. Now, our kids are 14. My husband is not as enthralled with scoring commercials as he once was and he thinks that I am not pulling my end of the deal financially. He also wishes I cleaned all of the time, read more of what he likes and listened to the kind of music that he listens to. I drive these kids all over the place and am still involved in raising them. They are teenagers which is just as trying as toddlers, but they aren’t that “cute” anymore. My husband and I love them with all of our hearts though. I have my degree and have applied to 100’s of jobs that I am qualified for and over qualified for, but in this economy, no one is really looking to hire a 46 year old woman who has been a stay at home mother for the past 14 years. I don’t sit at home and watch tv all day. I’ve worked hard at trying to start a writing career, but it’s been five years and I’ve had minimal success. Our marriage is on the brink of divorce. We’ve tried going to a marriage counselor and he said that if we weren’t married we’d be looking for each other. He also said, I should buck up and be stronger. I just feel alone and sad. I’ve done everything I can think of to fix this, but I don’t know what to do next. Please help.