How would you spend it? Would you spend it differently than you’ve spent the last year of your life or the year or two or five or ten before that?
I’ve been thinking about this question ever since November. That’s when I found myself on a plane as it was making an emergency landing due to a fuel leak. The plane had been bound for Charlotte, but the pilot told us we would be landing (hopefully) in Roanoke Virginia.
I looked out my window and saw only mountains. I could see no signs of an airport, a road or anything that might serve as a safe landing strip for this ailing plane. I felt the plane bumping and swerving due to heavy winds. I thought two things, “I’m not getting to Oregon today” and “This might be it.”
I thought about my life. Yes, I’d hugged my daughter that morning. I’d told her I’d loved her. Yes, my last moment with my husband had been warm and affectionate, too.
I still had unfinished business, though. I wanted to mother my daughter until she grew up. That I might not be around to do so caused heart to ache.
Yet, when I thought back over my life, I realized I had no regrets. I was the person I wanted to be. I was doing the things I wanted to do.
When the plane landed safely, I told myself that I would continue to live without regret. I would live as if my plane were about to go down.
Around this time, my mother told me that she would be taking a course designed around this very idea. That strengthened my resolve.
It’s been more than a month since I made this resolution. If I told you that my Project: No Regrets was a huge success, I would be telling you a lie. I’ve been surly when I could have been chipper. I’ve sulked over minor problems, and I haven’t always stepped forward to help someone who was obviously in need.
Just the other night, for instance, my daughter wouldn’t get ready for bed. I was irritated and I was tired. I could have found a gentle way to coax her into bed. I didn’t. I wrestled off her clothes and left her naked in the living room, and I told her she’d better get some jammies on before her rear end froze off. This eventually led to tears—her tears and mine. It also led to me pledging to be a better mother.
I’m human. So are you. If any of us were perfect, we’d be divine. We are all wonderfully screwed up works in progress.
This is why I forgive myself for such shortcomings. Even though I don’t want to spend my last moment being a mean mommy or an irritating wife, I don’t want to spend what might be my last moment mired in self-loathing, either.
For the next month, I will be running a series here related to this concept. It will focus on how you can use Regret Free Living to improve your marriage. A lot of it will also focus on using the concept to improve your peace of mind, too. After all, it’s my firm belief that a happier you leads to a happier marriage. More important, I wanted this series to be especially helpful for the many readers who tell me that their spouses refuse to work with them to improve their situations. It’s my hope that this series might lead you to a better marriage, even if you live with a spouse who thinks marriage improvement is a load of diaper contents.
Here are a few things you can do to make this series more effective for you (and for me).
- Do more than just read along. Share your insights in the comments area, too. Improvement projects work best when we have support, love and encouragement from others. Plus I do not have all of the answers. Some of you have beautiful insights to share—insights that will help others. I encourage you to share them.
- To make sure you do not miss any part of the series, I encourage you to subscribe by email (see the box in the upper right hand corner of this page).
- Either tackle this series on your own, or do it with your spouse.
- This series can be used in conjunction with Project: Happily Ever After. There is little, if any, overlap. The two complement one another, though.
- Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for getting behind on your reading. Forgive yourself for not having the courage to share this series with your partner. Forgive yourself for whatever you might feel guilty about during the next month. You are beautiful. You are love-able. You have what it takes. Don’t let guilt stand in your way.
RELATED READING
- Daylle Deanna Schwartz is offering a 31 Days of Self Love Challenge for free at HowDoILoveMe.
- David Wright (also known as “Blogger Dad”) announced his Project 30 Days. I’m definitely going to be following along.
- Gretchen Rubin is running a Happiness Challenge that lasts all year. You can learn more about it here.
- If you want tips on keeping your resolutions, you might enjoy this column I wrote for the Morning Call called 4 ways not to keep a resolution
UPDATES
- Gretchen Rubin interviewed me for the Happiness-Project. In this interview I talk about dealing with depression.
- Many of you have asked me why Project: Happily Ever After is not available on Nook or at iBooks and why the download is seriously delayed on Kindle. I do not know the answers to these questions, but I am looking into it. I am so sorry for the inconvenience, but also so happy that you are interested in purchasing the book. Please bear with me as I get this sorted out. Thank you!
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel like such “reminders” happen more than once, but it’s easy to lose sight of the good intentions after a short time has passed. So the idea of working consciously through this project with others really appeals to me. Thanks for taking the lead! I will definitely be following along.
Matthew´s last [type] ..Stop Planning and Just Do It!
Alisa,
Awesome topic. At my church a couple months back, my pastor and his wife did a series on their new book, called “Love at Last Sight”. The overall idea is that the last time you see a significant person in your life, that it is better than the previous time(s). We never know if when we leave the house, if we will ever make it back. There are no guarantees.
The trick as I am finding out is how to covey this new revelation or idea to your spouse, especially when they really do not want to listen. Any ideas?
Thanks for your blog and your work. I just found it last week and I am addicted. Now to get my wife to read it too.
I don’t think asking yourself the question if u had 1 month to live will reveal any new truths to you… if your life doesn’t have any direction, giving urself a time limit won’t immediately guarantee it will have a direction.
Henway´s last [type] ..Medifast Meals Strategies
I just posted a status similar to this on FB – about being old (getting older) and having no regrets.
Personally, I don’t believe in regrets. I know people have them. I just try my best not to regret anything I’ve done with my life.
Here’s a quote I have on my FB page:
Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances, and never have regrets, because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted.
It took me a while to wrap my head around the last part (and no I don’t believe I wanted to be abused, but it’s not something I did). I made a LOT of bad choices in my life. But I made it out of them alive and a better person for having made those choices, so I just can’t find a reason to regret anything that I choose in my life, no matter how bad that choice was.
Alisa, this is a great topic. I hear too many people say “I regret …”. My thought is, then change your life and stop doing things you “shouldn’t be doing”.
The first thing I would do is quit my job.
Just today I was thinking to myself, that if I had it to do over, I NEVER would have gone into,retail/food service ( I know that they aren’t exactly the same but I work in the bakery of a major supermarket chain).
Because of my job, I hate the holidays. The normal day to day stress, is magnified by doubled, tripled, at least that’s what it feels like. During a “normal” week/month at work I feel drained, after a week leading up to a holiday, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, I feel like I’ve been drained, wrung dry and tossed in the corner.
I have allowed Kroger to steal so much from me and yet I am not in a position to leave right now.
I am keen to see how the project goes. I made peace with myself a long time ago and believe I live most days to the fullest without regrets. I am a far happier person doing this than I was in the first part of my life. I also don’t hold grudges or am easily offended, I think that helps too! Looking forward to the series!
Andi´s last [type] ..French Friday – Peking to Paris
After losing my father before I could tell him all the things I wanted him to know, I make a point of making sure that the last thing I say to my children when we part is how much I love them.
Also, PHEA is available on the iBook Store. I plan to start reading my copy on my iPhone this afternoon (my daughter is borrowing my iPad!)
I agree with Mike about losing his father before he could tell all the things he wanted him to know. I was just telling my mother how I regret not taking the time out to ask him all the questions I wanted to ask him now.
If I had a month to live, I would spend as much time as I could with my family and my husband. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for most of our marriage and it feels as though things are not getting better now that we’ve grown up a little. Plus, I’ve gotten my relationship with my family back to the way that it was, only more mature. I would want to spend almost every waking hour with them because in the end, nothing else matters but family to me.
Natasha´s last [type] ..2010- A Year in Review
This sounds like a fantastic project, I’ll definitely join you all!
If I had a month to live–I’d spend it traveling, seeing my friends and family (they’re spread out all of the U.S.) and I’d get my butt to Italy–period. I would probably work a few days because I honestly love my job and I would spend a lot of the month writing, praying and definitely, eating whatever I pleased!
I have recently been struggling with depression and even though I get it every end of December to Mid-January, it hit me really hard this week.
But, instead of beating myself up over it, I went with it. I cried when I needed to–even when I couldn’t stop. I got angry (not always in the best, most productive manner) when I needed to. I read a lot, I prayed a lot and I tried to keep thinking positive–even when I didn’t FEEL positive. “Fake it ’till you make it” is a good coping skill when you’re depressed sometimes.
Now, I’m feeling better–yesterday, I felt great!
I don’t regret being depressed this past week because we ARE all human. We’re all people in progress, I totally agree.
I also don’t regret one single moment I ever spent with anyone! Not my family, not my friends, not my husband. Even the arguments and the heated moments had their place and taught me something.
That is what I am most proud of in my life, the relationships I’ve taken time to build, sustain and maintain. I am proud that I am learning to set boundaries and keep myself healthy first. I’m still working on those things, but I’m getting there.
Do I have any regrets so far in my 27 years? A few, yes–but overall, I don’t have many.
Regretting doesn’t do much good anyway, as none of us can go back and change what happened. We can try and live our lives in a way so that we won’t regret what happens from here on out…..I think that’s more important.
I have realized that no one is going to hand me happiness or peace or contentment. There will ALWAYS be reasons to be upset, sad or angry–life is hard at any age. But it’s also a big huge miracle, and there are many MORE reasons to be happy, joyful and laugh!
Life really IS hysterically funny and ironic and we just have to be open to recognizing that. We have to work on accepting ourselves and others, just as we are–and always learn from everything. I honestly believe that even in my weakest moments, I can always learn something.
I have a right to happiness, but no one OWES me happiness.
That, I must make for myself!
I’m excited to see what others have to say, and what a fantastic start to the New Year!
Happy New Year, everyone, I wish you all the best for 2011!!!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
By the way, Alisa, I’m so glad your plane landed safely! It must be a truly awesome feeling to know that you left your beloved ones on a good note–warm, affectionate and loving–awesome! I’ve never been afraid of flying, but I am afraid of planes don’t operate properly–I think we all are.
Great article with Gretchen Rubin, by the way!
Those are all great tips for dealing with depression, I try and meditate daily too!
I LOVE hot tea–even on a hot summer’s day–there’s something just so soothing and relaxing about it. And music–country music, classical music, anything mellow–it heals like nothing else I’ve ever come across! I can lose myself in music for hours and hours when I’m down, and it always helps me! I also agree that good sleep is a big factor in fighting depression.
As for my December-January depression, it’s not that there’s an absence of sunlight–I live in Vegas for goodness sakes. LOL! It’s that it’s all over–my Birthday (Dec. 23rd) and Christmas and all of that. I get so excited and just LOVE that time of year that it’s always a bit depressing when it’s over. And also, I don’t care for the cold–I prefer it over the 118* summers we have here in Vegas, but I don’t care for the bitter cold (28*).
This year, my depression also has to do that this will be my first full year without my Grandmother, and my beloved Nellie cat. Grandma is in a home for Alzheimer’s. She was my spiritual mentor and one of my best friends, so it’s just hard. Depression is natural part of the grieving process, and adjusting to life without her. She was such a part of my life on a daily basis, that no matter how great my life is–and it is–it will never be the same without her.
I realize that depression is a real disease, just like so much else. But I wish people would realize that it can be managed–it may never be cured, but it can be managed. Most of us, anyhow, can manage it.
I think those of us that have Depression live with that “shadow” like you talked about, Alisa. But I think the important thing is to forgive ourselves for being depressed and when we are, dipping our toes in depression, instead of drowning in it, can help. I do not mean to sound insensitive, because I know depression is very, very real. Sometimes, you just cannot find your way out. More over, sometimes you don’t want to find your way out. I wasn’t there this week, thank God, but it’s hard to dig your way out of it from time to time.
There’s also a common misconception that “positive” people don’t get depressed, and that’s just not true. I’m a positive person and I still struggle with depression at certain times.
Anyway, Alisa, you shared some great tips.I agree that spreading happiness is so key in feeling happiness.
Thanks for sharing your struggle with depression and being so open and honest about it. You’re helping me feel more normal and less depressed, just by knowing I’m not alone.
Here’s to a less depressed 2011….
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
As a complete nervous nelly flier your recent time in the unfriendly skies made me shudder. So glad, obviously, that things turned out well. And I love your “no regrets” concept here, seems a perfect time to implement such a strategy, with the new year and all.
Read that interview in the Happiness Project. Alisa, you offered some excellent advice for beating depression, especially depression related to seasonal stuff. I’m going to take all of your advice! I’ve been down in the dumps for quite a long time now.
If I had just one more month I would stay with my sister down the shore and walk the ocean and enjoy the peace. I hate to say it but I wouldn’t spend another day, another moment working on my marriage. I would walk away.
GREAT stuff Alisa. Looking back I can’t say there were MAJOR regrets. Like most people a few small things but nothing to loose sleep over. I think if I had one month to live I would love travel & visit several of the beautiful national parks like Yosemiti etc.Through the military both as a member & former spouse I have seen a lot of interesting places overseas. Traveled all over Europe etc etc.
But there are so many places right here in the U.S. I have never been. I have traveled a lot of places I never got to see back in the 80′s on the road with a Heavy Metal Band. But what I mostly saw was the, tour bus, the interstate, the hotel room, the club or wherever the show was. I also saw things I’d rather not repeat..LOL Traveled a lot but never really got to take in the sights. So that’s my 2 cents.
This sums it up for me: “I’m human. So are you. If any of us were perfect, we’d be divine. We are all wonderfully screwed up works in progress.”
Thank you so much for sharing and being so candid so that others may feel like they’re not alone!
I’ve got to run out and buy your book now! P.S. I found you through AuthorBuzz.
Oh, how I’ve missed you, again. I’ve been going through drama that has prevented me from reading how to have a good (second) marriage when I get there…
Anyway, to answer your question:
I would love like my heart had never been broken. I would leave the past where it belongs and enjoy the present.
With only one month remaining on this side of Heaven, I would spend my time ensuring I have asked forgiveness of those toward whom I have harbored ill feelings or resentment. I would call my mother regularly, though not daily.
I’m actually working on all those things now, and have been for a couple of months — even when it seemed like perhaps it would not benefit me in the way I would like.
Happy New Year to all. I hope 2011 will be better. I struggled through 2010 and boy was it a struggle. If I only had one month left to live I would let those that I love hear it. I would also travel to my favorite places that have special meaning to me and my family. I would hope that I could forgive those that have wronged me.
I love this series. well I love all your posts. Hopefully I can purchase your book soon.
Wouldn’t you know that last night after commenting here about wanting to see some of this countries beautiful national parks PBS was showing something on Yellowstone Park
I WANNA GO!!!!!. They even have great fishing. Anybody up for a road trip? LOL. Cities are nice places to visit but the beauty of creation is something that leaves me in awe. While stationed in Germany with my ex we had the opportunity to visit Austria. We stayed at a nice hotel at the foot of the Alps. Each day there, I would walk outside, take one look & just go WOW!!!! Even if I lived there everyday I can’t image ever getting used to that sight.
Oh & happy new year Lisa, as well as everybody else. This year I have determined to have a REALLY CRAPPY year. That way when more bad stuff happens I wont be disappointed..HA!!! Just kidding
Why Life is so important to us…..??????
Obviously bcoz death is there.