The same cabbie who told me that all women are hopeless nags also had this absolutely beautiful thing to say about juggling. He told me that we all juggle many balls. Some of these balls are made of crystal. Others are made of rubber.
If you drop a rubber ball, it bounces. It’s not a big deal.
If you drop a crystal ball, it either breaks or it gets scratched. It’s a super big deal.
The art of living a good life, he said, is to know which balls bounce and which balls break. Most of us, he said, get it wrong.
I’ve been thinking about his analogy for days. I thought about it a lot after my husband complained about me spending too much time with my computer. (Note: I really wish I had titled that post, “I had an affair–his name was Mac.“) I also thought about how it applied to our marriage of years ago—when things were quite bad. Were we both focusing on keeping the wrong balls in the air?
It looks that way.
I think it’s a good exercise to think about—both with marriage and with life.
Which balls can you safely drop (because they bounce) and which ones should you work hard at keeping in the air (because they scratch or break)? Do you agree with my assessments below?
The ball of connecting with others on Facebook or Twitter? Bounces. You can leave for a month and then return. No harm done.
The ball of working insane hours to earn a promotion? Bounces. Even if you lose the promotion, there’s always another opportunity in the future (or another job)
The ball of finding the money to pay a mortgage on a big house that you can barely afford? Bounces. You can sell the house and move to something smaller that meets your financial needs.
The ball of calling your mother on her birthday? Scratches. She might not shun you for life, but her feelings will be hurt and she will remember that you forgot her.
The ball of keeping your spouse’s deepest, darkest secret? Breaks.
The ball of being there for a friend during a hard life moment? Scratches or breaks.
I’m thinking that the crystal balls are then ones we will most regret dropping. It’s those balls that we will wish we could do-over and juggle correctly a second time around. The rubber balls? Not so much. As the saying goes, no one on their death bed ever says, “I wish I spent more time at the office.” Most people wish they spent more time with loved ones.
Yet, when I take a moment to get really honest with myself, I can see that I try harder to juggle the balls that bounce than I do to juggle the ones that break. And when I look around at most of society, it seems that other people (whether they admit it or not) are the same way.
Are our priorities all screwed up? Or is it harder to juggle a crystal ball than a rubber one?
These are the questions I’ve been thinking about lately, and I just don’t have the answers. People are important to me. Things are not. Experiences are important to me. Possessions are not. Yet it seems as if I work harder to juggle the things and the possessions. Why?
I don’t know. But it’s something that I hope to change. What about you?
UPDATES
* I’m writing the Frisky Business column for FoxNews.com once a month. The first installment is up and it quotes some of the regulars here at PHEA. It’s about how to feel sexy everyday. The column will run the first Tuesday of the month. The next one is about romance. If you have a great tip to share about how you brought romance back into your marriage and you don’t mind sharing it with the whole wide world, email it to me. I might be able to include it in the next column.
* YourTango.com is running a 31 Day Love Life Makeover. I’m quoted on this installment about how to ditch negative thoughts about love. Oddly I somehow managed to mention Bill O’Reilly in my comments, and this post ran on the same day as my sex column over at FoxNews. I’m curious if you all — no matter your political leanings–agree with my assessment. Would you rather spend time with the Dali Lama or with O’ Reilly?
* At AimingLow, the great Cecily Kellogg quotes me as she answers the question, “How do you keep things spicy while wearing pajama pants?” I find it amazing that this post appeared on the same day that I wrote about my unflattering winter attire on the FoxNews.com site. Just. Weirdness.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Although I’m not crazy about the cabbies comment on women, I do like his analogy with the bouncing balls. All too often I fixate on rubber balls and stress myself when they’d simply bounce if I dropped them. Thanks for the reminder.
Great analogy. I think it’s harder to juggle a crystal ball than a rubber one both literally and figuratively. For a while I was juggling way too many rubber balls and deciding not to keep the crystal balls in the game. Bad move on my part.
Maybe another element should be added to this whole balls (hehe, what am I? 3 years old?) analogy… sometimes people start to juggle things that they shouldn’t like affairs, lying, drug or alcohol additiction, etc. Maybe these types of things should be analogous to juggling chainsaws, swords, or fire because when one of these things falls and hits us it will hurt us in some way… and probably pretty badly.
My health has been one of the crystal balls I have dropped lately. While keeping the rubber ball of work juggled. This one is really making me think. I was off yesterday for the holiday and yet I was still answering my work phone and returning calls. I have been really sick (kidney failure). My husband got angry at me for working on my day off instead of using it as me time (he was working).
I will have to think on what other balls I am juggling…
Thanks for posting this Alisa. I really needed it. Lately I have been juggling some balls I shouldn’t have. Mostly focusing on the wrong things & things that are missing in my life rather than the things I should hold dear to. This is probably the only safe place I can even admit this. It isn’t something I would EVER discuss with friends, family, church staff etc. But here goes:
Lately my beloved has been going through one of her very sick periods. As any who have dealt with liver disease know it can be a real roller coaster. This has been going on since before Christmas. Every day she is unable to do anything & has been bed ridden most of the time. I have so missed her being able to at least lie in bed with me, hold hands & us find a program or movie to watch. What little intimacy there was on days she felt a little better was gone & I am back to a celibate life again. As a result I have felt very lonely & alone.
I was juggling the “wrong ball”. I am usually really good about focusing on the positives but somehow lost my way. I have never really been self centered through this 6 year battle. But I started thinking about the things we really can’t have in marriage that most enjoy. Maybe it was the holidays & seeing all the “normal families”. But my focus should have been on her & all we do have instead of what is “missing”. I feel guilty that this became my focus. She never asked for this situation & sure would change it if she could.
So I am dedicating myself to focus on being thankful that she is still with me. I guess sometimes we all need little reminders on what should be our priorities in life. I will do my best to put down the crystal & pick up the rubber
You SO ROCK
Ron
P.S. I once almost had an affair with a man named Mac. Then that whole I’m not attracted to men thing kicked in..HA! I crack me up
I think we aren’t as good at juggle the balls that break or scratch because that is usually family and they are more forgiving of our short comings, because they get we are well intended.
Job balls bounce, but bosses think our every breath should revolve around our job. I actually got a talking to when I told my boss that I couldn’t come in on my day off, because I had to do my laundry so I could be there the next day when I was scheduled to work. Huh, I’m supposed to lie and say I have a doctor’s appointment???? I got fired for telling a celebrity client’s assistant that I couldn’t guarantee that I’d reach a homeowner for a viewing. What would have happened if I’d promised to get a viewing and then I couldn’t reach the homeowner??? Either way I was screwed on that situation. So, bosses are not so forgiving.
My daughter used to say “it’s OK mommy” when I’d apologize for being mean mommy. Friends don’t say that (it’s OK friend) when you’re having a bad day and say something you usually wouldn’t say.
That is why I think we are more careful with our bouncing balls than our breakable balls.
Just my thoughts on the topic.
I think this struggle is one everyone can relate to . For me, I know deep down that earning lots of money, and collecting lots of cool things like a TV, iPhone, etc are all meaningless in the end, and that relationships and treating others with love and respect is all that really matters. I think that struggle occurs because we naturally compare ourselves with others. We spend so much time with others, and we’re bound to compare our status and wealth with others. If we were to live alone in a cave, none of this would come up.
Henway´s last [type] ..Matchcom Experiences
Hi Alisa, et al…
I think that part of the challenge here is that most of us have more breakables than crystal. Jennifer and I use the china a couple of times a year. We use the corelle daily. The point is that with so many more bouncy balls, life forces us to juggle them. Is dropping a bouncy ball the end of the world? No, clearly not. Still, dropping too many of them does cause problems, perhaps approaching crystal. I would also respectfully disagree with some bouncy balls. Yes, one can move to a smaller house; however, with the packing, the time lost at work or on vacation, the uprooting, the getting resettled, the unpacking, and so on, moving can suddenly become crystal.
I am headed to AimingLow.com now, but it seems that at first blush, the way to keep things spicy while wearing pajama pants is not to wear a shirt.
Ron/DrummerGuy: my best wishes for a speedy recovery to your beloved. R/Chaplain
Well- I have a sneaking suspicion about the possessions being tended better than the ‘people’ issues………no one goes around marketing and reminding us to call mom but I KNOW they do remind and market to us to keep up with your peers so that you aren’t left behind etc. Buy this and have the latest gadget….you know how this goes.
Join activities you don’t like a lot to keep in the “loop” and keep lots of networking friends instead of tending your close friends —–and the lists of other ploys go on and on…..
Yes! Our priorities ARE ALL SCREWED UP! When kids become more important than spouse, or when work becomes more important than family, it may look like small ripples in the water, but those small ripples have the effects of a tsunami.
I try to keep them in this order:
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Kids
4. Family/Friends/Work
5. Me
Please notice I said try. I do fail from time to time.
This might be one of the best things I have ever heard, and something I will never forget.
Crystal Balls break/scratch–rubber balls bounce–what a fantastic and truthful metaphor for life!
The way you explained it, and gave concrete examples, made it make perfect sense and drove the point home.
This could not have come at a more perfect time for me–thank you for sharing this very wise analogy–absolutely awesome!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Drummer Guy–Ron,
It is incredibly difficult to be the spouse of a chronically ill person and my heart goes out to you. You are handling a very difficult situation that is filled with every emotion in the human experience–with dignity and courage and grace. I both admire and applaud you, truly.
It is sad losing someone slowly, and almost more difficult too. You are in my thoughts and prayers each day and I think all of us are pulling for you!
Celibacy is hard, but you will get through it. And I agree, Alisa’s idea of “An affair with Mac,” is so funny, I laughed too….keep laughing, at times, it will most definitely keep you going–but you know that.
Please take care of yourself and take it easy, no one can do it all and be all things to everyone.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Well, that’s an interesting analogy. I do a little juggling and the rubber balls are a real pain. They bounce…. away. I much prefer bean bags. When they drop they stay in place and are easy to pick up.
I don’t think we should be too harsh on ourselves for chasing after economic security. We should be mindful not to do it too much, but there should be forgiveness if we over do it. After all, for most of humanities history we’ve lived a subsistence existence. The constant striving to put away resources for the future is ingrained into our beings. I’m not saying it makes workaholism (not sure if that’s a word), but I am saying some understanding of the workaholic is in order. I’m a recovering workaholic and I can say much of the drive wasn’t for toys, but the never ending fear that somehow I wouldn’t be able to provide so I needed a reserve.
So it is a juggling act. And as Ravsean said, rubber balls can turn to crystal balls (or as I think of it, the rubber ball bounces away). So what we all need to know is that we’re not super human. We’re flawed, and frankly life is unfair. Some deal with really bad hands dealt to them (Drummer Guy) and some of us don’t play the hands we’re dealt with the best skill. So we need to forgive ourselves and one another when appropriate.
Thanks for listening. Peace my friends.
Blaine–beautifully said. Deep and true.
Thanks Sara Liz. Thanks so much for the kind words, thoughts & prayers. We treasure them.
It has been a 6 year struggle & some days it gets the best of me & some days I do okay. I guess the old saying that “sometimes you get the bear & sometimes the bear gets you” is true. Lately the bear has had an upper hand but I’ll wrestle that hairy thing yet.
You ROCK too
Ron
Thanks for writing that. I love the balls analogy!
You say, “Experiences are important to me. Possessions are not.” I think I’ve read somewhere that that has actual scientific basis. If you spend your money on experiences then science has somehow proven that you’ll be happier than if you spend your money on possessions. Of course, it’s not all about money – putting more of our energy into having great experiences would no doubt bring us more happiness than putting our energy into getting more stuff!
JenP´s last [type] ..What is brave
It’s less frightening and less costly to drop that which does not break. This reality undoubtedly makes it easier to invest time in juggling unbreakables. This reality likely also makes it all the more painful to watch the fragile things shatter into pieces. What a double-edged sword.