Last night, I sat next to my husband and I watched the Tour Down Under (a bicycle race). By watched, I mean this: I stared in the direction of the TV. I don’t follow cycling. Even the Tour de France fails to capture my interest.
I could have asked my husband to change the channel. I could have also gone somewhere else in the house to do something without him. But last night I felt alone and in need of a connection. All I really wanted was to sit near him. I didn’t really care about connecting with what was on the TV. I just cared about connecting with him.
Maybe you can relate.
When my marriage was bad, my husband and I did not connect. We had drifted apart. We were two people who shared the same bed, but who really didn’t know one another at all.
Maybe you can relate.
Part of building and keeping a happy marriage, I’ve found, lies in making sure you connect with your spouse on a regular basis. You can connect:
Physically: Through affectionate touch (in the bedroom and outside of it), massage, and physical closeness (like sitting next to each other on the couch)
Emotionally: Through talking and listening, and also by holding and being held (when one of you is emotional)
Energetically: By feeling genuinely happy to be in each other’s presence and, as a result, communicating this happiness with a smile, a softness and a warm tone of voice
A connection, in my opinion, is the most important thing to have in common with your spouse. You do not necessarily need to share the same hobbies, political views or spiritual beliefs. But you do probably need to share a willingness to connect—a willingness to know and be known physically, emotionally and energetically.
You might think that it takes two to connect, but this isn’t necessarily true (although it might be true in some cases). My husband is not a talker. He’s not a feelings guy, and he’s not all that touchy, either. I’ve found, however, that I can initiate a deep connection between us by doing the following:
- Telling him what I am going through and having him listen to me. I make a point of telling my husband about anything I might be struggling with in work and life. I tell him about my fears, my insecurities, and my frustrations. I’ve found that I don’t necessarily need him to talk. I absolutely need him to listen.
- Creating a touching routine. We hug and kiss good-bye, even if I’m just leaving the house to walk the dog. If we’re both on the couch, I’m right next to him. I give him back and shoulder rubs, and he does the same for me.
- Acting happy to see him. I make a fuss when he comes home from work. I sound happy to hear from him when he calls, and I do not rush him off the phone. I smile. I compliment. I thank. I laugh at his jokes.
- Listening. My husband isn’t a guy who has a lot of problems. He doesn’t fear much. He doesn’t worry much. He doesn’t get sad much. Once a year (or once every other year or so), however, he does encounter something in life that smacks him around. Whenever this happens, I’m there. I listen. I support.
Now, I’d be lying if I told you I was perfect and that I accomplished all of this every day without fail. There have definitely been times when he’s come home while I’ve been typing a sentence and I haven’t even noticed him. There have probably been times when I’ve made the mistake of answering the phone while I was cooking something on the stove and then had to rush him off the phone before I set the house on fire.
I’m sure of it. But I’m also sure of this: these small gestures are the roots that anchor a good marriage.
How do you connect with your spouse? How could you connect more? What can you do to encourage yourself to connect more often? What stands in your way?
UPDATES
*Examiner Love Columnist Rita Watson interviewed me about how holiday stress can affect a relationship. Here’s a quote from that interview, “A wife in a happy marriage might open a gift from her husband and see that he’s gotten her a shirt that’s too small. She might find that endearing and think that he’s a lovable clueless dolt who tries very hard but just can’t quite get the sizing thing down.A wife in an unhappy marriage, however, will view the exact same thing as yet another piece of evidence that she somehow accidentally married the wrong person.”
* Watson also quoted me in this piece about how to prevent infidelity.
* DivaTalk radio had me on air to talk about Project: Happily Ever After. You can listen to the half hour segment here.
* Tom and Melissa from The LongHaulProject came to our house over the weekend to film us for this great documentary they are making about marriage. You can view a clip here where Mark and I talk about the one secret to a happy marriage.
* GiveAWaysWithGrace reviewed Project: Happily Ever After and is offering a copy of the book as a giveaway. Here’s an excerpt, “I could not put this book down. I felt like Alisa Bowman was inside my head reading my thoughts…She put me at ease and made me feel better about how I was feeling… At the risk of sounding cliche, I think this book may have saved my marriage.”
* LittleButterflyKiss, writes about Project: Happily Ever After, “I was struck by the fact that her husband saw very little need to assist during the early days after childbirth. When confronted, he said that he didn’t think she needed help… because she didn’t ask. It was one of those silent scream moments.”
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I do similar to connect with my husband. I greet him when he arrives home from work – most of the time. If I’m on the phone, I’ll at least say “hi”. We kiss and hug before he leaves for work. We kiss and hug at bed time.
Today I was very sassy when he told me he was taking yet another business trip. He’ll be gone at least one night a week for several weeks in a row (at least one trip we’re taking with another couple). I said to him: “too bad I’m not hating you right now”. Meaning, I’m going to miss you with all these trips you have to take. I prefer him to take his trips when I’m not liking him. (You have to know me to get the joke.)
I think this would fall under the category, of BEING the right partner–rather than being focused on having the right partner. This is beautiful, Alisa, with great tips we could probably all use!
Thanks, have a great weekend!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
After having children together, it became even more important to connect however we could. It’s hard to connect – even when you are standing next to each other, holding each other – when a toddler is hanging on your leg, screaming and trying to push his way in between. So we had to get creative, and sometimes we’re just hanging on by a thread, waiting for bedtime. But those connections keep us drawn together even when other chaos is trying to pull us apart.
One of the ways we connect is we almost always go to bed together. There are times when he decides to go to bed much earlier than I want to, I just want to read one more chapter in a book, or finish a TV show…but I will go to bed with him anyway. (hey, we can all use extra sleep, right!) This gives us time to be together, snuggled up and chatting for a minute or two about the day. Laughing at our crazy dogs attempting to squeeze their way in between us, and ultimately just connecting. It’s nice.
We give eachother kisses and hugs each morning before he leaves for work. If I’m not up yet to say goodbye, I feel him kiss me on the forehead before he leaves. I welcome him home from work with hugs and such. Then at bedtime say I love you and kiss eachother good night. I would love it if he was more touchy other than when he wants sex. When I try to touch him more often he pulls away and says “I’m not in a touch feely mood right now.” I was proud of myself yesterday when I told him that I needed to be touched by him more often in between sex. He said ok, and that he would try. Then this morning he apologized for being cranky last night and pushing me away. He had a rough day and was really tired and didn’t mean to come off like that.
12 years of marriage and two kids later and we still haven’t figured it all out yet!
I have NEVER asked him for more touching in between sexual advances..NEVER, not once! I guess I just assumed that he should know what I wanted from him by now, after all, I have been with the man since I was 17 years old, and married him at barely 20 years old! How could he not know what I wanted? I thought that if he loves me, he should know what I want..why do I have to say it out loud? Well…. Because if I don’t tell him what I want from him, how the heck can he know? I have come to the conclusion that we are BOTH hopelessly clueless : )
Dawn
Another excellent post Alisa. I was going to link to your interview but as I am sure you know there are technical issues..lol It did remind me of a recent incident with a friend I know who is struggling in his marriage. He was telling me of how on Christmas Morning he had bought his wife a blouse she had mentioned she wanted. She told him where to find it, the brand name, the correct size etc.
Apparently she opened the box & threw the blouse in his face. What she didn’t tell him was which color she wanted. He told me she verbally wailed on him, called him stupid, good for nothing, can’t depend on him for ANYTHING & how could he ever think she would like that color. We are mind readers right?…lol Anyway he told me she did this for some time right in front of the kid on Christmas morning? So you are dead on in that this is how an unhappy person in marriage percives things.
Honestly though I don’t live in their home & only hear one side of the story. But this couple is in real trouble. I told him about this site but I think he has already made a decision. I have known both for over 17years & it has been like this a long time. But for those here who share my faith I am sure he would value prayers. For those of other beliefs I know he would value positive thoughts.
He is in a LOT of ways like me as in the quiet type who tends to just keep to himself & take a LOT just to avoid conflict. Where as she is the type who’s first reaction to everything is to yell, degrade, demean etc. Yea I am biased a little on this one as he is my friend but I strongly suspect that she is emotionally abusive to him. I have seen her be verbally abusive myself. So perhaps a split is not the worst thing that could happen. Anyway I am rambling. Just concerned about a good friend.
You ROCK Alisa
Ron
The best way to connect with the spouse is thru physical intimacy, huggling, and just plain touching each other.. it doesn’t have to be sexual. Once the physical starts getting going, we can move on to the emotional stuff… getting to know what’s going in our lives and our minds
Henway´s last [type] ..Murad Wiki – Oct 2010
It’s the little things done consistently that make all the difference. We make sure to greet each other and say good bye when coming and going from the house. It matters…to us.
“A connection, in my opinion, is the most important thing to have in common with your spouse. You do not necessarily need to share the same hobbies, political views or spiritual beliefs. But you do probably need to share a willingness to connect—a willingness to know and be known physically, emotionally and energetically.” It was after reading that I realized you are more sacrificial than I.
I have some things I want to be shared and am unwilling to be open. Still, I do recognize the overwhelming value of feeling connected. After all, what good are shared things if you don’t want to enjoy them with your spouse because you don’t feel a bond with him?
I am a physical touch woman to be certain, and all forms of touch helped me feel connected to my husband. My favorite way for him to connect with me was allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder or lap while he played with my hair.
The connection aspect is tricky. People have different barometers. Be careful that you aren’t contributing to a toxic environment and that your spouse understands what you want. I’m on the other side of my wife’s 3 year hellish midlife crisis. During that time we stopped kissing passionately. She would peck me, but even during sex, she would crane her neck. I became obsessed with this and it became a litmus test. I would cycle through how this was even possible repeatedly and I would always wind up at “she doesn’t love me”.
It was more complicated than that, but moreover, I eventually had to see my own contributions to polluting the relationship. What drew me to your Happily Ever After book was your comment about improving yourself. As I focused on this, she felt emotionally safer. She started to soften and the logical effects of this followed. Of course she wasn’t going to kiss me and cuddle when I spent every waking moment scrutinizing her and being disappointed.
I had to reach way back to my mid 20s when we first met. I even pulled out my old college picture. Wow. 30 pounds heavier. Sad eyes. Bitter. Angry. Anxious. What had I built? Why was I even doing what I’m doing if she doesn’t want it?
As my focus shifted away from her to myself, I felt energized again. I stopped blaming and scrutinizing her. I got excited about my fitness and took long hard looks at how chronic worries were burying her. In short, I became attractive again.
“You make your own bed”, I’d tell myself.
Good Heavens! I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to see a woman and wife with such simple logic, and who knows how to enact it into her everyday life. If you ever decide to become a full time teacher, this should be your subject matter. I would sign my wife up and three of her friends. Thank you!
Creating a touching routine. We hug and kiss good-bye, even if I’m just leaving the house to walk the dog. If we’re both on the couch, I’m right next to him. I give him back and shoulder rubs, and he does the same for me.
Acting happy to see him. I make a fuss when he comes home from work. I sound happy to hear from him when he calls, and I do not rush him off the phone. I smile. I compliment. I thank. I laugh at his jokes.
–
Channeling my wife:
But what if he emptied the dishwasher that morning and put something away in the wrong place? What if he “washed the dishes” but one of the pots is covered with gunk? What if he’s home later than usual and didn’t call? What if he left in the morning without doing the touching routine in the morning? What if he left a full trash can in the morning when you’ve asked him repeatedly to take it out every morning?
Wouldn’t greeting him warmly send him the message that such behaviors are acceptable or that things are OK when they clearly are not?
–
I have asked to establish these types of routines, and these are the reasons I get back for why she won’t participate. Where can I go from here, since I don’t think never making another mistake is an option.
One more channeling, comment, since I may not have captured the fullness of her logic:
Wouldn’t it not be true to myself to greet him warmly when I’m irritated with him about something? And isn’t his insistence on a warm greeting everyday essentially a demand that I never be irritated with him, which is obviously unreasonable?
John you do have a point. But despite bad behvior your wife should still love you. I have been irritated enough with my husband to stop my routine of kissing and hugging him when he gets home. But then it goes back to kissing and hugging after work. Maybe you should try calling if you are going to be late and your wife should forgive gunk on the clean dishes. There are levels of respect.
As some of you know my hubby and I have been through it this past year. While things are going well now, We always kiss, hug and say I love you when he leaves for work, when he comes home and before we go to bed. There are also times when just watching tv we may not always sit together but I still get air kisses LOL!! He says thank you for everything now. It is really great. Sometimes people forget that its the little things that go along way and as years pass we take so much for granted. I hope I have learned to not take things for granted.
Arlo…I completely agree! People definitely have different barometers. If my husband were to spend a lot of time cuddling/caressing me it would make me feel uncomfortable because of where we are currently in our marriage. Great thoughts.
MarriageontheRocks´s last [type] ..Reasons Why I’m the Problem
“Telling him what I am going through and having him listen to me”
We have trouble with this. When I tell him something that I am upset about with the kids or something – he immediately and loudly spits out a solution. Then it’s final according to him and he doesn’t want to hear another word about it. That’s not what I want. I have just stopped telling him things that I’d like to share because he gets worked up and makes some new big rules for the kids or something. That’s not what I want – I just want him to listen. I have told him that. He just really can’t do it. Not sure if there is anything I can do to connect with him in this way. I just prefer now to work stuff out on my own.