The Question: I suffered from PTSD that caused clinical depression and anxiety. This went on for three years. Now after treatment has taken care of the problems, my wife says that it is too late. She can’t get the feelings of love back for me. Is there anything other than time that can change this situation? I know I wasn’t there during those three years & could sometimes be mean; however, that wasn’t truly who I am nor the man she married.
My Take: This, unfortunately, is a story I hear quite often. The surrounding circumstances vary. You can swap “I was a workaholic” or “I didn’t pay enough attention to my spouse” or something else for the PTSD. The end result, however, is the same. A spouse who has felt neglected for years puts both feet out the door, locks that door and refuses to look back. I’ve written about this issue before. I recommend you read I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You and How to Get a Spouse to Fall Back in Love With You.
Because mental illness runs in my family, I understand the nature of depression. Not only does it make you feel crappy, it can quickly give you real reasons to feel depressed, too. When I’m depressed, I become a hermit. I’m not social. I don’t shower. I wear the same clothes day after day, and I give one word answers to nearly any question that anyone asks. I also don’t feel like doing all of the things I know are good for me to boost my mood. I don’t feel like exercising. I don’t feel like having structure in my life. I don’t feel like being around people. I drive the people who love me the most away from me. Depression is a vicious cycle. I would imagine that PTSD is similar.
It will take time for your spouse to trust that you are really you–and that you are not going to relapse. It took three years for your spouse to give up on the idea of you ever being cured. It might not take three years for you to prove to your spouse that you are better, but it will take much longer than 24 hours. Think of her love and trust as something that you are trying to earn back. Be the best person you can as consistently as you can. Be the best communicator you can. Be as supportive as you can. And be as kind as you can. Know that every time you relapse into the “mean” you, she will notice and you will take at least two or three steps back.
In the end, I can’t promise that you will win her over, but I can promise that your efforts will not be lost. By striving to improve yourself, you will be more successful in your career, maintain closer friendships, and feel happier and more in charge of your life.
Readers: Do you have advice? Have you been through a similar situation? Do you have words of support? What do you think might help? Please offer your support and words of wisdom.
UPDATES
* There are only HOURS left to enter the Great PHEA Giveaway. Thank you to all of you who have entered so far. I look forward to announcing the winners later this week!
* MomsInHeels wrote a review of PHEA that was so glowing that I blushed. And cried. It proved to me that all of the hard work I put into writing and marketing this book was worth it. It’s a good thing. I couldn’t pick just one excerpt. First excerpt, “This life changing book, a perfect balance of memoir and step-by-step successful relationship manual, would have been an easy one sitting read (if we didn’t have children and husbands to deal with). As it was, we were setting our alarm clock to wake up early to fit in one more chapter before work. Yes, it was that good.” Second excerpt, “You are invested in her as her honesty and desperation leaves her vulnerable. You are begging her husband not to mess this up. You are hopeful that their marriage will survive, because really if they can make it anyone can.” Excerpt three, “I can tell you PHEA is my new marriage bible.”
* The Lehigh Valley Parenting Blog ran an interview with me about how to focus on your own happiness for the good of your family.
* The Allentown Morning Call interviewed me about How to Save a Marriage. I love the photos that ran with the piece.
* Whole Living Gal reviewed PHEA saying, “The story line is captivating, but more than that, Bowman’s honesty is refreshing. I am embarrassed to recommend a book with so much, um, intimate details in it. But then it occurred to me that I don’t read about that kind of stuff anywhere else (I’m certainly not going to Google it!) and my friends aren’t talking about it. Intimacy is an important part of a thriving marriage, and Bowman handles this topic well – and even tells her own story to returning to that place with her husband. For this pretty naive gal, I’m thankful she was willing to share the details.”
* Mom It Forward published several guest posts by me including 5 Mistakes Unhappy Moms Make in the Bedroom, 5 Communication Mistakes Couples Make, and What Is a Happy Marriage?
* I was a guest on Women Entrepreneurs radio where I talked about how to balance your career with your marriage. I also commented about Eat, Pray Love and how the divorce rate would skyrocket if everyone was financially able to travel the world for a year after ending their marriage.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know if I have advice so much as thoughtful questions/comments.
I would consider PSTD a form of illness. Wouldn’t that equate to the marriage vows of “in sickness and in health”? Hence, wouldn’t the wife have to say “wow, those three years sucked for me, but they were much worse for you, at least it’s now behind us”.
My husband got a intestinal thing in August for one week – he was a total jerk while I was taking care of him. Talk about verbal bullets anytime I asked if he needed anything. But, he was sick. I’m whiny and crabby when I’m sick. He hates when I’m whiny. But, we take care of our spouse when they are sick no matter how much of a jerk they are during the illness.
Yes, three years is a long time. I can’t imagine what the wife went thru. Maybe it’s time for her to get some help/counseling or go to a support group for spouses that have dealt with a spouse going thru PTSD.
I’m glad you are over you PTSD. But like any illness, I think the spouse should stick around.
Totally forgot – I was engaged and was ill. While I was ill I told my fiance that we weren’t married yet so he could walk. He said “even tho we haven’t said our vows, I’m here in sickness and in health”. About a month after I got better, he ended our relationship (a month before we were to get married).
I’ve been having some sort of health issue since my husband and I got together (almost 6 years ago). I some times freak that he’s going to do as the previous guy did. But nope, he sticks it out. Just the other day I said “you should have met me 20 years earlier before I started getting old and having health issues”. He responded with “yep, I should have”. But it wasn’t in a mean way.
I hope your wife sees that you are better and that your marriage can improve.
Kathy,
With all due respect, living with a spouse with mental illness–be it depression, PTSD, or (as in my husband’s case) bipolar disorder–is nothing at all like living with a spouse with a physical illness. Physical illnesses generally go away with medication/surgery/chemo, or they can be managed. And there is a sense that you and your spouse are fighting against a common enemy, i.e., the illness.
It’s different when you are dealing with mental illness. There is no enemy the two of you can fight together because the enemy is in your spouse’s head. There is no blood test or x-ray to tell you whether things are getting better. Medicating a mental illness is not as simple as “disorder A gets medication B.” It’s trial and error until the shrink hits on the magic combination of meds that works (and then you just have to pray that the meds keep working, because often they simply stop working for no apparent reason at all). And as Alisa pointed out in her post, quite often the person suffering is suffering so deeply that he or she feels incapable of fighting the disorder.
My husband has bipolar and was well managed on medication until our first child was born. After that, it was seven years of non-stop depression, during which time I was, essentially, a single mother to three children–our first and second-born sons, and my husband. I stayed, in part because of the “sickness and health” thing, but also because my husband was doing his best to get better and to keep functioning. If he had been in the kind of state Alisa describes with her depression, I would have taken the kids and run.
Even when my husband was no longer depressed, for a long time I was so traumatized that the slightest variation in his mood had me convinced that the whole thing was going to start again. One day my husband looked at me and said, “I feel like you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” My answer was, “I am, and you are just going to have to deal with that for a while.” Eventually, I became able to trust that my husband’s mental state was going to remain stable.
I don’t know what the stats are for other mental illnesses, but the divorce rate in marriages with a bipolar spouse is about 90%. That should be an indication of how much of a toll the mental illness takes on the non-mentally ill spouse.
To the inquirer, I do hope that your wife will reconsider. Try to understand that even though you never intended to hurt her, she is deeply wounded just the same. She needs time to heal, just like you did. Expecting her to accept, without hesitatioin, that you are better is simply not realistic, I’m afraid. Think of it this way–if you had had an affair and she forgave you, would you expect her to trust you right away?
It’s really almost worse for her now that you are better. In my experience as the non-mentally ill spouse, when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t realize how awful it is–you’re just trying to get through the day. (And, if the inquirer recognizes that he was mean sometimes, I can assure you that it was much more often than he realized.) It’s only when your spouse gets better, and some of the pressure is off, that you realize just how awful it was. At that point, the fear of going back to that place can be overwhelming.
If I were speaking to your wife, I would tell her to give you a chance, particularly if you have children together. Perhaps she could agree to give the marriage six months, and see how she feels then.
Best of luck to you, whatever happens.
Kirsten,
My first paragraph was more in the form of a question. I guess I didn’t communicate that well.
No worries, Kathy. Mostly I was trying to explain why vowing to stay “in sickness and in health” sometimes (often, perhaps) isn’t enough when one spouse has a mental illness.
I think “My Take” that you have to give your spouse time to recharge her batteries also. For three years she has been fighting the good fight with you and she is probably emotionally tired herself.
I’ve been trying for many years to repair my marriage and at this point overwhelmingly I just feel exhausted by the whole process. If my husband doesn’t push too much right now my marriage will go on for however much longer it has but any stress from him and I have to say I will be done and gone because I just need to mentally rest from it all.
Be patient like Alisa suggests and DAILY make it evident that you are doing better and hopefully her trust in your health will be restored.
My husband is currently depressed and may have been always but it just got worse about 6 months ago due to the loss of his brother. He is the one wanting to check out, saying he no longer loves me and resents me. But he hasn’t left yet and I am gonna keep fighting till I really see no point or he leaves. I was depressed for a while and it took a while to even figure out what my problem was because I had never previously been a depressed person and then took even longer to get over. (one of his resentments which i feel is kinda hypocritical but oh well).
I am not sure what kinda help or advice to offer I am a fighter to then end even though some days I really hate that about myself. I have a hard time understanding people who don’t fight but I am working on that.
I am sure she needs time to heal, and get closure on the experience and even learn to trust you a bit. So I would ask her for more time and commit yourself to showing her it is better and how good it can be again. Tell her she has nothing to loose to committing to try for x amount of time and that you both made it this far so you both owe it to your marriage to do all you can, try everything (her and you) to rebuild the love that was there, into what may now be a even stronger and more beautiful love to come if just given a chance.
I agree. A “Non” as the not mentally ill are called, have been through so much it’s unbelievable. Patience, a really great apology that shows you really get it, no hint of anger over their current state of mistrust- and no time agenda, I would think are the keys to winning back some trust, so that they can feel that you are really you again. And also, as someone said , do whatever it takes not to be mean again. That will set you back immensely. I always suggest meditation and therapy as a way to get to the bottom of whatever too you to where you went.
I know that as long as you leave a relationship that isn’t working the baggage will follow into the next relationship.
I agree with Alisa. Even if she still leaves you, work on the relationship till you can walk away and say I left this and it was working. Now I need to move on.
I know that sounds counter-intuitive but the only time to leave a relationship is when it is working.
I also know that the only one you can change is you. Work on yourself and see what happens. Visualize yourself and your wife as two trees, side by side. You started leaning on her and she moved away from you. If you straighten yourself out, as a tree, it would be interesting to see what she chose to do then.
That’s the way it was described to me by a therapist and she used this information to help explain to me: how to “be” in a relationship with someone who was an alcoholic.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
I have experienced this myself as the one who became ill. In my case it was severe depression that hit it’s peak when my parents passed away. I pushed everybody & everything away from me. That included my first wife. That wasn’t the only thing that caused the divorce but it was a big contributing factor.
As Alisa put it so well all you can do is be the best you you can be. It is all any of us can do. Right now your wife is hurt, confused, angry & probably wondering “why didn’t he do anything until it was too late”? It is a common question in these situations. There is just something in human relationships where we don’t take action until the other is ready to leave. All you can do is show her the best you & hope she see’s that. She may be a little gun shy waiting for this to come back. It would be a normal reaction.
Even if it doesn’t help this situation, self improvement is always a good thing. It would serve this writer well in any future relationship. I know it served me well to get better in my current marriage. Even my ex has told me sometime ago that she wishes she hadn’t “jumped ship” so soon. By getting better, it made me a better man & more important a better husband this time around. I do however hope that it will help your marriage & you will both have many more years of wedded bliss ahead
Ron
I just read an interesting article in Psychology Today about partners with depression. It seems like it can spread to the other partner. I know I tend to be more depressed if my husband is depressed. I really think that the original guy that has suffered with three years of PTSD has to understand that his wife may be suffering with him. It takes a lot to work on mental illness as a couple.
Ron raises a very good point. The writer needs to continue in his recovery to be as emotionally healthy as he can even if the marriage isn’t savable(? is that a word). He needs to be able to face the future in as good a frame of mind as possible either to recreate the love in his marriage or rebuild his life on his own. That is the path I am taking. I don’t know if my marriage will be saved in the end only time will tell that but I am working on me to be a more positive and upbeat person hoping that as I send out the positive emotions that that is what I will attract back.
My wife has suffered from depression for over 10 years. She has come back from the brink after a LOT of hard work. She still isn’t 100% ok, but we are getting back to a more normal life.
I’m a pretty stable guy and have always been able to self examine and keep my head straight but there were times that I got pretty down and black. If your wife isn’t depressed now I can tell you she was at times during those three years. It wears on you and grinds everything flat. She may not be capable of coming back from it but the advise you are getting here about continuing to work on yourself is spot on. Be the best, loving husband you can and cross your fingers.
Finally, I agree with Mark, APOLOGIZE. Make sure she understands that you know what you have put her through. If you don’t, talk to her and find out. Then apologize. Apologize profusely. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t your fault, deep down there has got to be some blame there even if it isn’t rational. She probably is even ashamed that she has it. But work on getting rid of it. It will help a lot.
@ Angela: I think it might be the other way around. My mother-in-law used to say, “the woman of the house always sets the tone for the household. If she’s grumpy so is everyone else. So look out!” LOL In our house this is very true. I often set the tone of the mood for the house.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
It’s not fair because you weren’t the same person, but you have to live or deal with the consequences of not being the best husband during that time – it STILL counts, even though you had a mental illness. Let time take care of it. If time doesn’t take care of it, well.. move ON with your life. Sounds harsh, but hey, it was her time as well, and it’s not fair for her to give you a pass because you didnt love her during that time.. those are precious years she can’t have back, and there’s nuthing you can do to change that if she feels slighted and thinks that cant be fixed.
Henway´s last [type] ..Vitamin Shoppe Tips
I was in your wife’s position. If she’s still around, that means she WANTS to fall back in love with you. So:
1. Get ROMANTIC and don’t hold back. Put everything you’ve got into it as if it’s your last chance. Do the falling in love thing again. Remember how fun it was? Romance her. Recreate that magical infatuation time. Tell her she’s beautiful and brilliant. Make her breakfast in bed. Rub her tired feet. Take her in your arms as soon as you get home from work because you’re so happy to see her. Send her sexy text messages. Act like a teenager.
The first time around, I didn’t need any of that romantic stuff at all. I was a cheap date in every way. But to fall back in love with my husband after years of verbal abuse, I needed extra doses of romance. I needed special treatment I’d never thought to want before. I needed him to become better than he was when I married him, to become a bit more like a dream lover. Sounds impossible? It’s not. Because I wanted him to do it. I told him exactly what I needed and wanted in a man — things I’d never asked for before. [If she hasn't told you, ask her -- in a sweet, romantic way -- as opposed to a "what more do you want from me" way. Ask her once a week - sweetly. Make it part of the romance.] My husband resisted. He wanted to just say a few sorry’s, buy some flowers and get back to normal. But seeing I had one foot out the door, but was still hanging around to give him a chance, he went for it. Gave it all he had. It’s working. Taking time, but happily on our way.
2. Also, as others have said, APOLOGIZE many times in many ways over the next few months. Tell her you will give her time to forgive you because you love her and you understand that she is now going through something akin to what you went through. If you want her to forgive 3 years of bad treatment, model that. Tolerate her emotional baggage from this. [I had my own version of PTSD from the years of my husband's abuse.] Show your wife that you understand bc you’ve been there too. When she snaps at you, open your arms and give her a hug. Being loving when she’s not can make her fall back in love with you. Listen without reacting to all her hurt feelings. Let her vent it. Don’t say anything except “I’m sorry, I understand, and I love you.” Then give her a hug.
3. Have her read the list of reader responses from the day you first posted this question a week or 2 ago — the day Alisa asked us for our marraige problems. You can leave your’s out. Just print out the responses, then cut your’s out. That list of reader’s marraige problems was eye-opening for me. Each marraige seemed less desirable than the next. Yet these were people trying to fix it and stay in it! It told me to stop dreaming I could leave my husband and find Prince Charming and have a storybook marraige because there’s no such thing. I thought, Gee! If these are the responses on the Happily Ever After blog, I’d hate to see the responses on the I Want a Divorce blog! It convinced me to not throw away all the working things out my husband and I have done, because I’d only be starting from scratch with another flaw-riddled human being!
My husband suffers from a physical illness which lead to chronic pain which has led to depression. Chronic pain became the illness (yes it is considered an actual illness) and third wheel in our marriage – only those that have been in the shoes of living w/ cp know that it affects EVERY aspect of your lives and becomes the third wheel in a relationship and to make a long story short, after 10 yrs of living this way, I to began to give up on my spouse.
He was recently able to attend the three week PRC (pain rehab clinic) at Mayo, Rochester Mn and I attended the family sessions. It really focuses on cognitive behavior therapy and has essentially given us some of the tools we needed to stay focused in our day to day lives and better cope w/ the pain and it’s domino affects along w/ teaching us to put the past behavior behind us and move forward.
They also addressed his depression with different medication and between the two it’s made a huge difference in our lives. Of course, it’s not the fix all to some of our relationship problems but we are together and working on it.
Give her time. Let her learn to trust you again. It takes time. I’m still learning to trust his behavior again. One thing that is helping me is that he is now consistent in behavior and I find I have to retrain myself because I was so used to reacting to his old behavior, I have to get to know him again.
Also- humor- the both of you need to take time for humor. Spend time together.
I can feel on both sides of this one. I have dealt with/fought depression for most of my life (I am only 25), and I am the one wanting to leave. It unfortunately took me telling my husband I was leaving and didn’t love him anymore for him to “hear” me that he was being emotionally abusive. We are now in counciling (its been 2 months), and he is trying really hard. I know he is getting frustrated that I haven’t fallen back in love with him. I think depending on the person the other partner often doesn’t know how much it took to get to the point of saying I am leaving. For me it was said in anger it was a aganizing descion after I had done everything I could, so then switching to him trying and my trying to fall back in love was/is a total 180. Its hard. As my councilor and mother said actions speak louder than words, and mean a whole lot more. Maybe its not fair but I know my husband can be really wonderful all week, but then he looses his temper and I instantly go back to the way things were. I am getting better, but I know its going to be a long long time before I feel safe around him and can let myself fall back in love. You have to remember for 3 years you (weather you meant to or not) hurt her at every turn, we have survival instincts that tell us to run from abuse and not forget the past. Give her time, I know it sucks but I think that is the only cure.
Two years ago I felt that my marriage would be over in less than a year. Then I found this blog and it helped immensely. I had no desire to quit my marriage. I wasn’t so sure my wife had the same feelings. I did everything I could think of, most of it came from reading this blog. All I can say to anyone that is in this situation is don’t stop fighting ever! Things are way better today, my wife told me she is back to where we used to be. I still fight every day though.
My husband asked for a divorce two months after I tried to kill myself. We went to counseling and my depression went from bad to worse over the next few months. He left seven months after my suicide attempt and told me he didn’t love me & would never want to have children with someone who was depressed. I agree with the blogger in sickness & in health. I pulled myself up from the absolute darkness and literally crawled out of depression. I have fought every day with depression but have made my life better for me. My husband ultimately left but I found me in the end. I tried everything to save my marriage but in the end he did not want to make things work. All I could do was work on me. I can honestly say I am a new creation and a new person that now helps others in my community and church. I have a career in healthcare and enjoy each day. You must work on you and help yourself. If your spouse chooses to walk away there is nothing you can do. You must concentrate on yourself and getting you better. Take it one day at a time! It does get better.
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you so much for your comment. No disrespect to Alisa, but your comment helped me more than anything else about this post. My husband is an alcoholic. I stood by him and although he’s not sober, he’s SOOOOO much better now and still getting better. But I ended up with severe anxiety and depression. After 9 1/2 years he left me for a friend of his because he couldn’t handle what I’d become….what I’d become because of dealing with him and with outside circumstances like finances. He wants to come visit me a few times a week, but he lives with his mistress. It’s killing me and not helping my own recovery from mental illness, but your comment gives me hope. I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but thanks for sharing. And I hope things are still going well for you.
Stephanie,
So glad to hear you came out well on the other side (so to speak) of divorce & depression. It is a difficult thing to deal with. A similar thing happened to myself after the death of my parents. No suicide attempt but being in the depths of depression is a HORRIBLE place to be. Like you my faith & my church have been a great source of strength.
A few years latter I was lucky to meet somebody who is now my wonderful beloved wife. She now has serious health issues (Liver Disease) & has had some serious bouts with depression herself. One thing she has done similar to you is working with a local org on a volenteer basis that works with the mentally handicapped in our area. She is a really talented artist & teaches art therapy for her students. The joy this brings her can not be put into words. She is only physically able to do one day a week & pays a pretty heavy price with fatigue for doing it. But she wouldn’t trade it for anything. The help to her mental health is far greater than the price she pays with her physical health.
It also takes a very special gift to work with the mentally handicapped. She has such an ability to get through to students that nobody else had success with. It is a real gift that she shares. So do keep doing things for others. It is a win, win situation. People in need get help & the rewards to the giver are priceless. Then again she does now have about 5 boyfriends that just pitch a fit over who gets to open her door, walk her to the car when I pick her up etc. Pretty brazzen as they do it right in front of me. Guess I better watch my back…lol Actually it’s really cute. She got handmade valentines day cards from each. It really warmed our hearts.
Happy Blessings
Ron
But what about when years go by and they won’t get help, won’t look for work, are 100% focused on themselves and drowning in self pity? He won’t medicate for his depression or get on a working bi-polar med. I just can’t take the narcissism and childish behavior one more day. But then I do. I’m still here trying to keep my vows but I cry every day. I’m just so tired. They take and take and take and then resent you for having boundaries that you cannot surrender (or you’ll become depressed too.) I don’t know how much longer I can stay. I pray, I try to be thankful, I try to see it as illness and not really him, I do a lot of activities in the evening and work as hard as I can during the day to get distance from the miserable drama. I think there are a lot of us out there but we just pretend to have a life. Advice?…You didn’t just cause hardship for your spouse; you crushed the life out of them. If my husband got better I’d stay…but trust? I can’t even imagine being able to do that.
I hope your wife does eventually come ‘back’ to you. Three years is a long time, but with more time and love/patience, I think things will get better. I’ve suffered from depression ever since I was 15. I can only imagine how it is to live with me when it flares up. Good luck to you in whatever happens. In the end, I’m sure you’ll be a better person.
I find myself in the same boat as couples who have read and blogged on this site. I have been married for 14 years but have been afflicted with my negative self-image from the very beginning. I always thought that being Bible-believing Christians could set us apart from other troubled marriages but this was not the case. I drifted apart from God as I previously worked in the ministry but was disciplined because of my aggressive nature. My spouse is hard-working, self-sacrificing and understanding – everything a man would want of an ideal spouse. She urged me before to seek professional help and counseling, for many years, which I did start but wasn’t able to follow through completely. I thought that if I would try hard enough – I could make it work.
Turns out that she was seeking a way to get out of marriage. We have two sons, aged 12 and 4, I deeply love my children, Yet because my work forced me to work nights, slowly drifted away from me and gravitated to them for comfort. I on the other hand let myself drift from them as I always resented being “out-of-the-picture” and felt lonely not having time alone for companionship with my wife.
The crisis point happened when a flood in 2009 came and damaged our house, forced us to use our life-savings, borrowed/owed money, loss of income, for me, as I was retrenched from work and had to rehabilitate our house while looking for work for two years. I became depressed, angry and isolated while my wife, solely, kept us afloat with her job. I felt inadequate, insecure and insignificant. This was when I sank to saying hurtful words and angry remarks. She threatened me to leave as was not being myself and wanted to save the family – yet I had nowhere else to go.
I stayed temporarily with my mother’s place yet did not felt I should abandon them. In some ways it was disturbing since my wife did not want me in the house anymore and wanted me to leave them alone because of the things I said to her. She says that she has given up on me and that she is considering to relocate to another country where her work is taking her. If she doesn’t go she might lose her job.
I find myself compelled to respect her decision and yet helpless to reconcile back to my family because I feel the risk of losing their confidence and significance.
I feel lonely, insignificant and abandoned. I am currently employed for the past couple of months and have been able to support myself. I am attending an anger management program sponsored by our local church and friends who mean well and provide company.
I feel my wife’s anger, bitterness and loss of approval. She says she loves me yet she doesn’t want me anymore and its best for me to leave them alone. I miss them terribly and would want to work with them.
I have gone back to praying, fasting and conduct my devotionals daily to get in tune with God. Each day is a struggle for me and find it hard to keep things in balance. I know in the end that my relationship with God is what I need to prioritize. I am still preparing myself for the inevitable – to accept the fact that I may not see my family again and live this life on my own and seek joy in other things, with other people.
Please pray for me. I haven’t been able to see them in two months. I know this may sound weak and frail of me but family is all I hope and live for. Maybe that’s why God is asking me to lose it for me to gain Christ. Hope I outlast this to the end. I pray and feel for everyone in this site and for others out there in the same boat.
Hi,
I’m sure your wife sees an extreme change about you… that you were willing to acknowledge that metal illness runs in your family and learn to deal with it rather then run from it.
Your right… time will tell. Also you have been through many changes give your wife time to see all the changes that you have been through.
Well it’s 13 months since I posted my first comment. My husband and I are still together though I really do not know what is keeping either of us here. After I first posted on this I was hopeful that something was changing, that the pain rehab clinic was going to make a big difference. But he came home and shortly there after started back to his same habits.
He is also passive aggressive which makes it very difficult to tell if it’s his illness or his personality at times. Most times I think it is just who he is and his illness has been his excuse for years.
You can give someone all the tools in the world but you can not force them to use them.
This brought on full out depression for me. It was like my last hope was gone.
I still don’t know the answers but have been trying to focus on me and get better.
I recently read about inner bonding and have started to give that a try for my own sake. As for my husband and marriage, I feel empty and do not know what to think anymore.
Life has its ups and downs. You’ll so very happy when you‘re up but when your down it doesn’t feel so great but I promise you, you do grow and learn more as a person.
Marriage is a commitment between two people. However nobody’s perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Forgiveness is all about letting go of the pain you feel inside and seeing if the person who hurt you deserves a second chance?!