The Struggle: “Us actually interacting with each other. Yes we kiss and hug, but we don’t really talk. Hubby’s not a talker. We used to spend hours talking when we first got together. Now, we probably don’t talk more than 2 hours in a week.”
My Take
First, I have to say that, to some extent, this is normal. My husband and I don’t spend hours talking, either. We did in the beginning when we first met, and we occasionally have energetic conversations now. Those energetic conversations, I confess, usually take place after I’ve had a glass or two of wine. This leads me to believe that the quietness that surrounds our marriage isn’t necessarily on my husband’s end. It’s on mine. It also leads me to believe that there are lots of things I’d like to talk about, but for some reason feel inhibited to do so. The wine seems to reduce the inhibitions and then all of my thoughts spill out.
Now, for us, this wine thing is a little problematic because I’ve been on a strict wine diet for a couple reasons. One, money is tight. Two, it tends to worsen my seasonal depression. So I can’t turn to wine to solve our lack of communication issue. For the most part, I’ve just come to accept it as a normal part of marriage. But here are some of the things I suggest.
1. Know that it’s normal. Don’t catastrophize and assume that this lack of communication means that your marriage is doomed. It’s not. A lack of conversation isn’t a problem in itself. The problem is that you are not happy about that.
2. Ask yourself, “What stops me from talking?” Do you not feel safe sharing your thoughts? Do you have nothing to say? Do you stop talking because he either doesn’t seem to be listening or because he doesn’t seem to want to be there? Once you know what stops you, you’ll have an easier time solving the problem. What prompts you to open up in other settings that isn’t going on at home?
3. Ask yourself and ideally your husband, “What stops him from talking?” Does he talk in other settings? Or is he just as quiet everywhere he goes? If he’s quiet in every area of his life, you probably will never turn him into a talker. But you might be able to turn him into a good listener.
4. Think about: Is there a time of day that you both can connect? Maybe for 10 minutes every evening you turn off all other forms of distraction (TV, computer, Twitter, email, Smartphones, etc) and sit quietly. Even if neither of you says anything, you are still connecting. I also recommend you read a related post: Conversation Starters for Conversation Starved Marriages.
Okay readers, now it’s your turn. What have you done to keep conversations vibrant in your marriages? How do you recommend this reader solve this marital issue? If you were in her situation, what would you try? Let’s collectively tackle this problem and help this reader get past her biggest marital struggle.
NOTE: I am reinstating the Reader of the Month Award. Each month I will award a gift card to the one of the top 10 readers who leave the most comments.
UPDATES
* You are running out of time to enter the Great PHEA Giveaway. There’s just a few days left.
* MommyHasToWork reviewed PHEA saying, “I thought it would be some type of self help book, that I would kinda glance through and give my opinion. I did not expect it to be funny, hard to put down, informative, entertaining, knowledgeable and so full of good ideas and information. I started to read Project: Happily Ever After and couldn’t put it down….I kept wanting to read more.” This post offers another opportunity to win a copy of PHEA.
* This blogger didn’t even think it was possible to experience Happily Ever After with a goldfish. Then he read PHEA and his hopes were renewed. This is what he had to say about the book, “If you’re single, you’re going to learn remarkable dating tips. If your marriage is on the rocks, you’re going to read about love lessons and experiments to turn things around and nd even if your relationship is doing well, you’ll get an education that’ll lead you to Happily Ever After–even if you don’t believe it exists at first.”
* Here on TBD’s “Let’s Talk Live” I answer the “what did this poor guy do to deserve your scorn?” question.
* Simplicity in the Suburbs reviews PHEA, saying, “I admit when the email popped up in my inbox, I was almost ready to hit delete. Send me a marriage book? Are they implying my marriage wasn’t working? But I replied, received the book a few days later and devoured it within days….Her writing had me laughing many, many times. J would usually peak over and ask what I was reading and what was so funny and he too, found the humor in her stories, typical marriage issues and her advice.”
* On Words to Eat By, I wrote this guest post about how I fell in love with my husband over his baked ziti. Here’s an excerpt, “Love, as they say, is blind. It’s falling out of love that restores a woman’s vision.”
* Tracy at I Hate My Message Board is offering a free copy of PHEA in a giveaway. You just have to leave a comment.
* Over at Celebrate Green, I write about how I impoverished my family over the love of writing and promoting PHEA.
* Celebrate Green also reviewed the book, saying that healthy relationships are good for the planet. After all, saving our marriages is just another form of recycling. Here’s an excerpt, “Alisa’s book made me laugh. It made me cry. It offered ideas that even my husband and I, married 42 years, can use….I admire her willingness to expose behaviors, insecurities and thoughts (to say nothing of personal sexual issues), that most of us would reveal only under threat of extreme torture. Her gutsy disclosures, self-deprecation and brutal honesty create a credible foundation for her advice.”
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
It takes TIME to talk, so be sure that you set aside time for talking. If that means that kids are sent to bed early, so be it. If it means turning off the TV, do it. The wife and I find that going to bed together, rather than each of us making it to the bed on our own schedule, gives us time to talk.
Lastly, do you have questions that will help facilitate talking? One website entitled the romantic couple has 20 questions for married couples to ask, like “If you had just six more months to live, how would you spend them? What would you do? Where would you want to go?” or “How would you describe an ideal day? Weekend?”
Sometimes, with guys, you’ve got to be ready to prime the pump.
Thanks, Alisa, for picking my issue.
No kids in the house, unless you count the three 4-legged critters.
I think our biggest “issue” is that hubby is worn out after a day at work. He spends his time thinking and solving problems or designing what the client needs – he’s an electrical engineer (mostly data centers which can NEVER be without power – credit card companies really like to process credit cards).
He talks when he’s with the guys – politics, economy, guns (oh my!). I don’t like talking about those subjects all that much.
After reading your comments, Alisa, I think it’s more that we just don’t have that much to talk about – we did all our talking in the beginning. We can talk when we need to. Last night I had him sit with me for a long time than usual when he said good night to me. Today I’m having a biopsy and he’s out of town (technically the country). So I just needed some face time with him. We didn’t even really talk. I didn’t need to talk. I just needed time with him.
No, we don’t sleep in the same bed – he snores, I have sleeping issues. But every night he tucks me in with a kiss and a hug. It’s the hugging part that I really need.
He is a good listener when I preface the start of the conversation with “I just need you to listen and acknowledge me. I don’t need you to fix this”.
He has said that he’s afraid to talk to me because he never knows what will set me off. And we’ve talked about going to marriage counseling. But I haven’t found us a counselor, since I’m back in counseling myself, again. And things have been good between us. We aren’t fighting. And I did apply some points from your book, Alisa.
So, I guess it’s all OK. Just going thru a different phase than I’m used to. But that’s OK. It also makes sense, since I’ve been changing up my life – friends, activities, and messed up sleep.
The other point – we very different in how we handle/process things. I have to talk my way thru things. He has to think his way thru things. He is bothered (not in a bad way) about me talking out problems, because they are incomplete sentences and random/flying thoughts come out of my mouth. My friend that is like me, can totally handle and deal with me talking thru my stuff. So I’ve learned to go to her when I need someone to hear me. It’s easier on me and hubby if my friend helps me thru some things. And a lot of the time he’s in the same room while I’m talking on the phone with her, so he hears it, but isn’t responsible for “dealing” with it. In a way, he’s still in the know.
Thanks, again, Alisa. This helped, a LOT!!!!
Your writing has been very helpful to me. I should send you a case of wine for all of your efforts! Keep it coming.
Very good post Alisa. To be honest the wife & I don’t talk as much as we probably should. I am also one of those who isn’t much of a talker in a relationship. With some of us guys it is just our basic nature. I am more like Kathy’s husband & like to think things trough before I tackle a situation. Sometimes my wife can mistake that for me ignoring a situation. Must be something in the male DNA..lol My wife is always amazed that my male friends & I just don’t really talk about personal matters. She will ask me how somebody’s marriage is etc. She is always amazed that my answer is “I don’t know we don’t really talk about those things”. Where as she & her female friends talk about a lot of things.
I think sometimes we do need to aknowledge that men & women just have different thought processes. We are each wired differently but can learn to see that as a good thing. Each brings different problem solving skills to the table & each has times when one works well & times where the other works well.
Now I’m not saying not talking at all is a bad thing. If there is no communication it can cause a lot of emotional disconnection. Maybe we can sometimes find a happy middle ground. Chuck had a great idea to set aside some time each day. This also allows the “non talker” time to gather his thoughts leading to a productive conversation. I know many times my wife will bring up something & I have to just say “honey let me think about that & we will talk about it tomorrow”. Now if it is a pressing matter we will address it. But most situations can wait a day. Just don’t get into the habit of saying that then ignoring it the following day. Just my thoughts.
I’ve come to the conclusion that hubby and I are just weird. We do not follow the gender bias in regards to communication. I’m extremely quiet and logical when it comes to my communication style, while he’s very “chatty” and philosophical. He can literally talk circles around me (for hours!) and I could care less what Spinoza thinks. This makes any disagreements we may have exhausting for me and he gets frustrated, because he doesn’t see any resolution occurring. Yet, he continues trying to find a resolution (for hours!) and I’ve already shut down in the first 30 minutes. Since we’ve gone through a really rough patch these past few years, he’s become more aware that I can’t handle the long drawn out discussions. I’ve started letting him know when I’m at the point where I need a break and he tries to give me the break. He does occasionally fail at this, where I will then repeat “I need a break.” This really seems to help. He gets time to remove himself and think about what he’s said and where the conversation is going. I get to rest my brain and think about what he’s really trying to say. I have to take this time to sort it out, since his conflict with me becomes a tirade of many things straying far away from the original disagreement.
My challenge for improvement is being more verbal with him. I’ve set aside certain times to go and sit with him in the den in the evening for at least an hour. During the day, I text him periodically so he knows what is going on with me, which helps him with questions to ask during our time in the den. It’s improving, but I will never be a talkative person. I’m an incredible listener though!
This is one of the subjects that I can’t really help with. There are days I wish my husband would shut up. I work in social services so I talk to kids all day long. My husband is a construction inspector so he spends a lot of time alone in his truck all day. So he comes home and talks…and talks…and talks some more. Sometimes I will ask him if he spent all day by himself. That is our code for your talking to much.
My husband is not much of a talker either. At least not with me. What I find is that the more I try to talk to him, the more he shuts down. And the more he shuts down, the more I try to get him to talk. Its a cycle that we can’t break out of.
I think it could be easily solved if we set aside time to talk about things as you all have suggested. The problem is convincing my husband of that. He will agree to talk about something “later”, but later never comes.
Mostly, I just need to talk. Maybe if I had the time and spare money to go out with my girlfriends on a regular basis, I wouldn’t feel the need to burden my husband with my chattiness.
I sometimes will write it all out and then email it to him. But that doesn’t always works he at times will NEVER respond. I end up nagging him to get anything. Sometimes it is ok because I got it out and a response isn’t needed. We do still have good chat sessions randomly. Like a week or so ago when I was on pain pills for a tooth and he stayed up with me cause I couldn’t sleep and i was inhibited enough to ask the things I had on my mind but had been to scared to ask, it turned out ok not super healing fabulous but reassuring at least and i got some weight lifted.
When we talk I use to think it was good but then I would realize that nothing was changing or we both walked away with different ideas in our head like we had 2 different conversations. I think I am currently given up on having him make a plan with me that we both agree on, because I am out of ideas or tactics to make it effective.
Making sure we have date nights, at least once a month even though hard is also helpful. We don’t always have deep conversations but we get to enjoy each others company and that is important.
Talking is not really the only method of communication. Gazing at each other, Huggling, Touching, hugging, and even sex are all valid forms and even better forms of communication. Talking sometimes makes things worse – I know I always feel better when me and my wife just have a snuggle after a hard stressful day of work – talking doesn’t help at all!
Henway´s last [type] ..Nutrisystem Review
My husband is not a talker. That being said we burnt up the telephone lines when we were starting out in our relationship. We lived 500 miles apart for the first two years of our marriage. We “met” on an on-line matching site. So most of our communications were on the phone.
We learned absolutely everything there was to learn from emails and talking. No secrets were allowed. It was how we started every communication. “Tell me something about yourself I don’t know.” At the end of two years there wasn’t much we didn’t know about each other. I know this may bring up all sorts of comments such as: the past is the past OR you have the right to have some secrets. But this was the second time for both of us and I think we just didn’t want to make a mistake the second time.
Anyway talking is rare but we have a couple of times when it works for us. We live a ways from town so if we go somewhere together in a vehicle, we use this time to talk about things. Also every night before we go to sleep we cuddle up and talk a bit. If something is bothering either of us we make an “appointment” to talk. Either one of us will say something like: Something is bothering me or we need to talk about this, when would be a good time to sit down and talk about it. My husband needs a bit of time to think about something before he discusses it, so I give him this space. If he initiates an “appointment” he’s already done his thinking.
That may be why we don’t have a lot of spontaneous conversations going on. He likes to mull things over first and I honor that space that he needs. I, on the other hand will discuss anything at the drop of a hat. LOL
@Henway. I agree verbal conversation isn’t the only way to communicate.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
@Kathy My husband too. He has to talk all day long at work, dealing with issues, explaining things and sometimes he just wants to come home and SAY NOTHING. So his job is talking all day long. He doesn’t like to talk about his work. He feels that to talk about work with me is just to prolong his work day. So I never ask. Sometimes he will blurt something out and I just listen.
We have a little code for days like this I always say “Hi Honey how was your day.” If he answers “Just Perfect” I know better than to ask. If he answers “ok” then it was a good day.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
@Iva. My husband never reads my emails either so if it’s important, I hand write the letter and hand it to him on the weekend when he is more relaxed. Its hard to ignore a piece of paper in an envelope, smelling like my favorite perfume. He’s never sure whether it’s an invitation to an adventure, a bill or note. He’s just too curious to NOT open it.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
@Maureen, Are we married to the same guy? ; )
We have code here – “Staring at the fire” means I don’t want to talk, I’m not mad, it’s just been too much of a day. We came up with that after too many fights because I thought he was mad at me and wasn’t saying anything.
@Kathy is he tall, dark, and handsome? OMG I used to think the same thing till we came up with our code!
@Maureen, hubby is blond (well, now it’s getting dark that he’s going gray), blue eyes and as my daughter says “freakishly white” since she is also “freakishly white” and she’s not his child. Yes, the code has been wonderful. Also a year of counseling for me helped a LOT. As did learning we are different personality types (from Myers-Briggs personality types).
@Kathy we did a similar personality quiz that I did in a Personal Development course. BIG help. I make decisions quickly. He has to think. I don’t need much info to decide. He does.
I like to talk, he likes to think. So when I say “let’s talk” I tell him a week in advance and what I want to talk about and everyone is happy.
I would recommend to everyone reading this to take some sort of quiz to see what your spouse is like. I have this little quiz in my documents if anyone is interested. If people are interested how would you suggest we do this Alisa? I would happy to share with anyone and it won’t cost a dime. My treat. Myers-Briggs and other types of tests cost money and this is just as useful.
I could send it to you first Alisa.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
I have found the Myers-Briggs on line for free. I recently did a simpler version of Myers-Briggs on line, but don’t remember the link.
@Kathy,
Didn’t Myers-Briggs do some stuff on abusive women? The reason I ask is a good friend who is divorcing right now. His soon to be ex fits the bill & I have been looking for some information he can access. It’s gonna be nuclear warfare from her despite the fact that she is the one who had multiple affairs & was very emotionally abusive. I found some stuff related to NPD, HCP, BPD & the like & she fit it to a tee. Just wanted to help him out. If you have the website? could you type it to me. You could send it on my Facebook if you like.
Thanks
Ron
http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mmdi/questionnaire/
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
I actually just finished taking a Psych course that questions the reliability of the Myers-Briggs. Here is a quote from my text.
“However, the Myers-Briggs is not reliable; one study found that fewer than half the respondents scored as the same type a mere five weeks later. And there is little evidence to support the test’s key premise that knowledge of a person’s type reliably predicts behaviour on the job or in relationships. (Barbuto, 1997: Pittenger, 1993).”
So I don’t know. I think we all know, deep down, how to “be” in a relationship with our partners. The thing is to be aware of this and look for patterns.
Maureen´s last [type] ..Hello world!
DrummerGuy, I don’t know anything about Myers-Briggs doing anything on abusiveness. It’s just a method for determining your personality type. Introvert or Extrovert, Intuitive or Sensing, Feeler or Thinker, Judger or Perceptive.
Ahhhh,,,, Thanks Kathy. I may be confusing Myers-Briggs with somebody else. It was something close to that & a two name thing as well. Wouldn’t be the first time I was confused about something. Actually I LIVE in the state of confusion. It’s a nice state but the cost of living is a BEAR!!!
LOL
Okay I took the test. Don’t understand what they are saying about the results, but I took it…lol One problem I would come across over & over again is neither answer fits.
On a more related subject I was thinking about how there are some subjects my wife may want to discuss that I am not comfortable talking about with her. Not stuff that is important to marriage or anything like that. 99.999% of these things doesn’t involve her. So I do tend to weasle out. Mostly about things from my long ago past.
One subject was she would ask me about past relationships. Okay relationships are just a nice way of saying it…lol But I’ll take off my shy shell. Early on she would ask about sex with women prior to her. I did give her information that she needed to know. I think that even though it may be in my past it is important that she knows the basics.
One problem I have is I am not exactly proud of that behavior & it was a LONG time ago. Mostly goes back to my days on the road with an 80′s Heavy Metal band. Basicly just watch any episode of VH1s Behind the Music of those days & you can get an idea of what I am talking about. No need to go into it here but I am nowhere near that person anymore. I was in my early 20′s & lived by a VERY different moral code or lack thereof. Back then groupies were all the rage etc. I REALLY regret the things I did.
Now she does know the basics about that but will occassionally want details like how many etc. For one thing I honestly don’t know. Now she doesn’t ask out of anger or jealousy or anything negative. I think she gets well kind of aroused in a strange way if that makes sense. Even today if we do a show somewhere she will want to know if any women came on a little strong & the like. Now it is a RARE thing these days but it is also a part of the business & I do tell her.
I do guess I am lucky that she isn’t threatened by these things. She knows I do my level best to live my life by Biblical standards & knows I am NOT going to stray. For that, especially after dealing with a couple of women who had jealousy issues prior to her, I am thankful. But what do I do when she wants to go into the distant past when I am not comfortable talking about it? Does anybody else have things past or present that they are not comfortable talking about? How do you handle it?
Ron
Well, I’m a meeting planner and I have to talk with all kinds of people/attendees and seem very interested, come back w responses, keep my temper, and share. I use that talent at home.
I follow on Twitter/FB etc his sports teams, his company, other things that interest the two of us. I can usually grab a snippet of information and ask him about it. Wow, it sounds like there’s a big stink about trading that guy, what’s that all about? Or, are you part of that big launch at your office? Or, I have a “girlie” sports question, don’t laugh, but why does….”
Of course, I have to be careful because he can also tell when I slip into meeting planner mode too much and start saying things like, “Wow, that’s a great suggestion. Let me think about it and take it under consideration.” Ha! Then, he just looks at me and says I’m being MP’d, right!?!?
However, a note of caution…I did mention a tweet from his office and he thought I was stalking some girl in his office who had apparently retweeted the mention. <> Ah well, I can honestly say I was trying to open up a conversation.
If you have to argue with your husband or get annoyed with each other for what the other is doing or not doing after getting married–WHY BE MARRIED–when you were dating it was because you wanted to be together and have fun and get along allways–no sense to be aggravated with someone–if you don’t get along just so–no sense to get married. I prefer to be calm and happy everyday–not allowing someone else making me feel bad about anything. It took many years to figure this out. Don’t waste your life trying to please someone who just can’t be pleased.
glad to see others have the issue with husbands not reading their emails. i’m fixated on that tonight (among other things)…
I would LOVE to have a silent marriage. Or at least a quieter one. My wife is always shouting, often in front of the kids. Or at them, when she’s not shouting at me. Sometimes, when she’s especially angry, she gives me the silent treatment. I treat these days as a gift. Maybe long-term silence is worse, but I haven’t experienced that just yet.
PW Ipson´s last [type] ..Communication skills