Here’s one PHEA reader’s biggest marital problem: How to find time (and energy – physical and emotional) for one another when my father-in-law lives with us.
I don’t know the answer here. What I am about to suggest is what I think I might try if I were in your situation. I would first think about what is causing the problem, and then I would think up possible solutions for those specific problems. I don’t have all of the details from you, so the rest of my answer includes a bit of conjecture.
I might decide, for instance, to set some boundaries. Explain to your father in law that your marriage is stressed. You love him dearly, but you need his help to keep your marriage strong. One of the ways he can help you the most would be to give you and your husband some space. Maybe he can agree to be out of the house one night a week so you and your husband can have some alone time. Or maybe after a certain time at night, he agrees to stay in “his” part of the house so you both know you will not be interrupted in yours. It’s also important to continually remind yourself that your marriage is a priority. If you are caring for your father in law, it can be easy to fall into the emotional trap of always putting his needs first. This is a similar trap that many parents fall into with their small children. Yes, you want to be there for your father in law, but you also want to be there for you and for your husband.
Are there ways to lighten your care giving load? Are their nonprofit organizations you can contact? Or perhaps you could lean on church members or another support network? Try to create a regular routine that has someone else spelling you and your husband from your care giving roles and that will allow you and your husband to connect with each other.
Dear readers: What is your advice for this situation? Have you ever successfully navigated a situation like this? If so, how did you do it?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
This would be a tough situation to be in. I am sure the writer is torn between family obligations & self (or in this case marriage) preservation mode. Alisa made an excellent suggestion in getting a third party to come up with a schedule & solutions that everybody would benefit from. This would also probably be taken better by the father in law. Perhaps the writer could find a family counsiler.
Caregiving is really tough. I have been doing it for 6 years now with my beloved. Most people have no idea of how stressfull it can be. If you are a member of a local church they are a great resource. Mine has been most helpful. Don’t be afraid to ask for help & always accept it when offered. Sometimes that requires one to swallow their pride. But realize that you really can’t do it all. One other thing I learned was that by saying no we are denying that person the good feeling they get in helping another in need. We do have to be careful not to let another overdo it as then they tend to get burned out & fall by the wayside. I do wish you the best.
Ron
It can be difficult to make time for relationships when there are other people drawing on our energy reserves. When my husband was sick we had the VON coming in to check on him on a regular basis. They told me about different organizations that can help the main caregiver to take a break in order to refresh their reserves. If your father-in-law is in need of physical care, I am sure that you could get info on resources like that from his physician. I find that if you go out on a limb and ask for help, that people offer what they can. As Ron suggests, it makes people feel good about themselves to be able to offer their time and energy. I did some gardening for a woman who was dying of cancer a few years ago, which allowed her and her husband to spend more time together, but also provided her with some peace of mind knowing that her beloved gardens were attended to. Reach out wherever you can!
Katherine´s last [type] ..Whats a Single Girl to Do
Oh katherine’s remark reminded me of something. Try contacting a hospice provider. While he probably doesn’t require hospice care they have tons of resources they know about & can put you in touch with some help. They also usually know about some free resources available in your area. many people on hospice are also on medicare & medicade & have no financial resources. So if anybody would know about resources they will. I hope that helps. They may even know about some adult daycare. My mother had to use that when my father became so bad & she just needed a few hours a week to refresh herself. It was a HUGE help.
Ron
We currently live with my parents and I know for a fact it has been a huge helper in the down fall of my marriage. But my parents tell me us being here has forced them to spend more time together and they have improved their marriage. We are working on getting me full time work and then the steps to get out on our own again. We have a special needs child and day care didn’t work for him. But he is doing well and in school and his younger brother is doing good I just need full time work that will cover day care expenses on top of extra rent and stuff.
I can vouch for state help that offers care givers so you can get out, we receive it for our son and i know they have it for adult care as well. It makes HUGE diff.
I can not offer much advice, since I haven’t figured out how to balance the life of 4 adults 2 kids a cat and a dog. But getting out alone and finding ways to enjoy each other together as a group helps. My mother is borderline bipolar and difficult so for her not much works but tip toeing or just ignoring. But I think for others family meetings and communication is ideal.
I read here all the time and I never post, but this topic REALLY struck home with my marriage and my current situation–only a little differently. It’s a rather long story, so I’ll skip along, but the basics of it is–my parents living with us is ruining my marriage.
My mother moved in first, when my father tried to cheat. He then got fired, they reconciled, and he moved in. I don’t get along at all with my father. His moving in was my husband’s idea (he’s soft-hearted). They have been here and not contributing or looking for work for four months and I am going insane. My husband is going insane. My father still treats me like I am 12. My parents have gotten comfortable, and I/we want them out of our house, and I have no clue what to do. My brother and sister won’t help, because they know how my father is. I feel stuck, and I know if we don’t do something, our marriage is headed down the drain even further than it already is.
We had a big fight the other night because his mother is sick, and for the first time, he threatened to kick me out. I just do not know what to do.
I don’t have a lot of advice for handling the situation directly, but growing up my grandmother lived with my family. One thing that we all found helpful was to encourage her to do things outside the house. She was able-bodied; just broke. So my parents bought her gift certificates for a quilting class, and encouraged her to do lunch and dinner with friends. That allowed us all some time off.
Melissa´s last [type] ..Lend a Hand
I lived with my inlaws for the first year of our marriage…we don’t speak to them anymore.
That was THE WORST year of my life followed by 2010, because that year caused a lot of tension between my wife and i that manifested itself 4 years later and now we are in counseling and maybe headed for divorce.
This is a different situation than having to be a care-giver of the elderly, but in my experience, you need to prioritize. You marriage should come first. I really cannot speak on the guilt of choosing a spouse or a parent (not that you need to take sides), but living with in-laws comlicates things.
I would see if there are services available for respite care. I have not had to deal with this in my personal life but professionally I am a case manager. I know that there is public assistance for care depending on why the person is living with you. What a hard situation. I really pray that I never have to go through this. I would not like living with my MIL. I don’t think I could live with my own parents either.
I navigated this situation but it was not easy. Really, my husband is the one who should answer here, as it was his mother-in-law: “There must be decent compromises. It’s up to the man. He has to stand up for his wife if there is friction, should the couple be living with his mother.” My advice would be to set limits, the way one has to do with children.
@Michelle oh wow that must be awful.
@Alisa oh you are so right! Just like struggling with kids. We had a child, now a yong adult, move back with us for a couple of months. Was certainly just as tough. My husband and I went somehwere at least once a week and encouraged this child to hang out with people their own age, while they stayed with us. It was very nice to be alone again.