This post is not about sex. Rather, it’s about words.
Dr. Corey Allan, who edits the SimpleMarriage site, has just released a new book. It’s based on part on a study he did on more than 1000 people about the essential elements of a happy marriage. The book delves into 5 common struggles couples face in marriage—and how to overcome them.
I asked Corey about these common struggles. What follows is my question and his answer.
Q: Could you tell us about each of these struggles and why they are so universal?
A: Part 2 of the book covers some of the things most every couple struggles with at some point. While there are more than the 5 things covered here, I chose the biggest ones I see.
Family, kids, and money are no brainers in my book. Where else do you find loaded issues like these? Each one of these are surrounded by expectations, reflections of yourself, meanings, family of origin labels, and so on. And, each one of these can be a wedge in the marriage–or it can be something that is used to grow into better people. Every couple faces these issues all the time, even if you are a couple without kids. Because we all have hopes, dreams, goals, and legacies that involve one or all of these.
The other 2 areas I chose are foundational for living a better life. Learning to be content with things (and yourself) is the beginning of simplicity. And rest, the other area covered, has become more important as sleep and rest have lost respect in society. Taking time to rest and reflect will improve your life. And then in turn, your marriage. It allows more thankfulness, graciousness, and also contentment.
There are more areas that trip us up in marriage, but if you can handle the big ones, the rest are a little easier.
Corey is selling the book for $9.95. You can purchase it directly from his SimpleMarriage site.You can learn more about the book here.
What do you think are the essential elements of a happy marriage? Discuss them in the comments.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Learning to cultivate contentment definitely seems to be a good recipe for a healthy marriage. When our expectations are above the roof, such as expecting a spouse with a perfect body that will satisfy all our physical temptations, who also knows how to cook the perfect meal everyday, and do all the chores perfectly, as well as contribute his/her share to the family income? That’s asking for a lot =) It’s better to release those expectations, and just be content with who the other person is and what makes him/her so special.
The same can be said for life, in general. People often have huge expectations on what is owed to them, but if they would just relax those desires, they’ll find life would be more light and carefree
Henway´s last [type] ..Diets
I’ve gotten to the point that as long as we are treating each other with respect, then a whole lot of other issues just don’t matter. Thankfully we don’t fight about money or kids or family. Hubby isn’t picky about the cleanliness of the house since I haven’t been able to clean for the last several weeks (but he sure did like it when I found the kitchen counter the other day!).
Since I’ve “let go” of minor stuff, we have been doing so much better. Also, since I started sleeping (and we watched a show about sleep deprivation) he’s a lot more understanding when I don’t sleep one or two nights.
Well usually when momma’s happy everybody is happy!! LOL. No I think the key to a happy marriage is trust and honesty. I personally feel happy when my husband tells me how much he loves me and goes the extra mile without being asked. I too have let go of the minor stuff. It is no different being married or raising kids you have to pick your battles. Let the small stuff go.
I like Henway’s post. Expectations are killers to a healthy marriage. Learn to communicate well enough to ASK for what you need and respect what your mate needs as well. Focus on your own joy and peace. It will spill over into all areas of your life. Always respect the uniqueness in yourself and your mate. Don’t diminish yours or your mates inherent light by defining perfection and making that definition a measuring stick for the quality of your marriage. Bottom line, be what you want to receive in your marriage.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..Things I have learned in the past year while contemplating the moon
Excellent post as always. Unreasonable expectations & learning to be content with what we do have is something I think a lot of people struggle with. Even as wonderful of a person as my beloved is she really struggles with that. Mostly learning to be content. While this illness has taken a lot from us we still have a LOT to be thankful for. I think we also have two different perspectives on things. I am more of a glass is half full person & she is more of a glass is half empty type. I have no idea as to what the answer is for this. I do understand how she feels.
This has been the hardest journey that anyone could ever imagine. I guess when you get beat down by life in so many ways a person tends to always look for the worst outcome. I feel as though it can be a self fulfilling prophesy. But I have to accept that we are just different people who have different perspectives in life.
In a very related note. Many here know of the terrible things that have happened to us as a result of her illness. They say bad things come in three’s but I never expected them to come in twelve’s…lol Last night another shoe dropped & my beloved was upset to the point of hysterics & was inconsolable. It upset me to but I can’t let her see that because of her reaction when I do. So to my buddest (I still haven’t learned how to spell it
) friends we ask for positive thoughts to my Christian friends we ask for prayer.
Thanks Everybody
Ron
According to statistics parents with children who have disabilities are twice as likely to get divorced as parents with “normal” children. One in ten children, born in the U.S., have a disability.
I have a child with a disability and it was a HUGE area of stress in my first marriage. Denial of a problem, searching for someone to blame, dealing with all the extra stuff that comes with having a child with a disability is only a few of the issues that came up.
Then on top of that we had other children who had the usual stuff come up.
I’ve learned to be much more resilient with my second marriage. My child is an adult now which is a whole new set of situations. Thank goodness its not an issue with new husband. But there is underlying tension because it is not his child. He just handles it like a wonderful person.
Interesting thought Maureen,
There is a couple in our church who three years ago lost their 6 year old daughter to a very tragic accident. It hit the entire Church very hard. It also happened around the Christmas Holidays. The little girl had just sang “Happy Birthday Jesus’ in that mornings service. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to endure such a horrific tragedy.
This would have broken many couples. Maybe myself & my beloved included. But amazingly this brought them closer in their relationship & their faith. They started a charity in her name called Savana Smiles (Pardon the spelling). The girl even at her young age was always wanting to find ways to help people in need. Mom & Dad had always had her help pack gifts for needy children at Christmas etc. The charities main focus is for families with Children facing life threatening issues. I think that is one of the things that made them survive this. They took all that negative energy & focused it on something positive. When I think of people I most admire they head the list.
Ron
I agree with everyone, although I would like to add that compromise is essential to a happy marriage. I think that is a big part of learning how to “work” with your marriage. Personally, I have a hard time compromising if I feel very strongly about something, and I think that is human nature, but most people will agree that a good, healthy conversation about the situation can lead to a compromise that both husband and wife are happy with. If both my husband and I are happy with a situation that could have potentially been a stumbling block that is when I know the compromise was well worth it.
I like Rebeccas outlook on life – expectations of our partner can be a killer as they will not be able to live up to them all the time. The key is to focus on improving yourself – finding happiness internally and not make others responsible for your happiness.
Agree with Drummer Guys sentiments – sometimes we have to deal with awful situations that can either pul us together or pull us apart. The choice is OURS on how we react to it!
Seems like a great book. I’ve been avidly reading marriage-help books since I’m a newlywed and am hoping to avoid some of the common traps (futile effort, perhaps). I wish your post had made it clear that this was an E-book. I went to the page, it didn’t see anything about e-book, I paid the $9.50 only to discover I am not going to get a real book. What the heck is a downloadable book? That’s not a book. I’m bummed
Sounds like a cool book (I guess, eBook?). I heard someone say recently that building a good marriage is about carrying more about your spouse than you do about yourself and vice versa. I think you learn about yourself and how much you really do care about your spouse when you think about your relationship in that way.
@MyKidsEatSquid. I LOVE the name you picked out. That’s funny stuff! But I love what you said about caring more about the other than we do about ourself. So very true. I have known so many people over the years that are incerdibly self centered & their spouse is just another person to give them what they want while contributing nothing to the marriage themselves.
I had mentioned a lady here before that I used to work with. Honestly I think she had a personality disorder like BPD or just the worst narscisst I have ever known. She was terrible to her husband & spent the marriage milking the poor guy dry emotionally & financially. She was quite proud of her actions & bragged about it to anybody who would listen. It was always with the promise of if you just did this or bought me that I would be happy & treat you better. Of course nothing was ever going to be enough. She always justified her abusive behavior as it’s HIS fault because he doesn’t do this or that. Typical abuser pattern. Blame the victim. The husband did eventually give up & leave.
This is the thing that the self centered types just “don’t get”. If each spouse practices a self sacrificial love & each gives the other what they need, then each spouse ends up getting what they want anyway. Now it takes both doing that, & it can’t be material in nature or unreasonable. As Alisa has said before it can’t be “you know I always wanted to have sex with a porn star”..lol. but if each does work toward the other it makes for a happier marriage.
The Nookii game is half the price at Drugstore.com. it is not on sale but it is only listed at 24.99!