How to Deal with Criticism

People: let me tell you something. It isn’t easy being an author. Authors, my friends, face a lot of criticism. Sometimes I think we get more of it than anyone.

But then I think of Hollywood and how lucky that I am not an actress. I would just crawl into my closet and curl up in a tight little ball if I saw a photo of myself in a bikini on the cover of a tabloid with the header: Have you ever seen cellulite this bad?

I’m thankful that I’m not gunning for tenure at a university, too.

And I’d never want to be a politician and have my moral character questioned just because of some bill I introduced.

Still, we writers put our souls on the page only to have people read those pages and write things like, “Why was this book ever allowed to be published?” Sometimes I’m amazed that anyone has the bravery to publish anything, you know?

But we do.

This morning I was thinking about that. Why have I decided to take this risk to publish the story of my marriage? Why have I put this very personal story out there? I could have just left well enough alone. I could have been happy that I’d worked on my marriage and gotten it to a better place. Did I have to go writing about it, too?

But I know the answer. I did it because I was compelled. I love to write and I love to tell stories. Project: Happily Ever After was a story that was too good to not tell. I could not resist.

Still, the love of words does not inoculate me from the sting of criticism. For that, I have a number of off-the-wall strategies. I share them with you here because spouses deal with a lot of criticism, too. For instance, years ago I baked a salt encrusted chicken. I spent all day on the thing. My husband took a bite and declared the dish mediocre. And you know what? It WAS mediocre. But the criticism stung anyway.

I’m sure you can relate. I’m sure you could share dozens of Salt Encrusted Baked Chicken stories of your own, and I invite you to do that in the comments. For now, here’s how I deal with criticism of my writing, of my personality, of my cooking—of every part of me.

Do a good deed. I learned this from the Karma Project. Negative emotions are a sign that I am obsessing about myself. If I take the focus off me and put it on helping someone else, the negative emotion tends to go away. Plus, whenever you help someone, they usually say, “Thank you.” This allows you to feel useful—which is a good sensation to have just after someone has criticized you and allowed you to feel “useless.”

Talk back to my inner lizard. I learned about the Lizard Brain from marketing guru Seth Godin. This is the archaic part of the brain that is designed to protect us. When someone criticizes you, the lizard gets all worked up and starts yelling, “Danger! Danger!” It’s important to talk back to the lizard and tell him the kinds of soothing things you’d tell a little kid who is scared of the dark: It’s okay. I can get through this. I am not going to die. This is unfamiliar, that’s all.

Put it in perspective. I remind myself that not everybody thinks my book did not deserve to be published. There were two editors from national magazines, for instance, who told me that they loved it, that it was funny, that it spoke to them and that it provided a fresh take on marriage. This morning as I was digesting my criticism, I replayed the comments from these editors in my mind. I also replayed comments from many others who have read the book and loved it. You know what? I think it did deserve to be published. The editor who took a chance on me and decided to publish this book? She’s one smart cookie.

Another way I put things in perspective is a bit morbid, but I will share it anyway. It’s this. I think about death. I think, “If this was my last moment, would this still bother me?”

Consider the source. Seth Godin often writes about tribes. Some people are in your tribe. Others are not. If the criticism is coming from an “other,” let it roll right off. People who don’t share your values, worldview, and interests may never understand the decisions you make. They are not members of your tribe—and they never will be. Don’t waste your energy trying to convert them.

It’s also important, I’ve found, to remember that people carry a lot of baggage around with them. I’ve been fascinated by how this baggage affects how they interpret words on the printed page. The same words can have one meaning to one reader and a completely different meaning to another. One reader will love the words whereas another reader will be offended by the same text. With my book, I’ve found that some people read it and think that my husband was on the edge of evil. These readers can not believe that I stayed married. Others read it and think that he was a great guy and that I was an unappreciative, self-centered person for not seeing that.

Do it for the candles. Many months ago, brilliant life coach Tim Brownson was trying to get me to commit to a book-publishing goal. I told him that I wanted to sell 20,000 copies. He suggested I might aim higher. So then I said 100,000. He suggested I might aim higher still.

The conversation got me feeling uncomfortable. I told Tim that I didn’t like number goals because they were beyond my control. I hemmed and I hawed and I talked around the whole thing a few times. Finally, I told him this:

“Sure I would love to have a bestseller and sell millions of copies. Yes, that would be wonderful. But what I really want are the candles. I want to make a difference in people’s life. I want to know that I put good into the world. I want to make such a difference in people’s lives that they would light candles and hold a vigil for me if I were ever on the verge of death. That’s the kind of person I want to be and those are the kinds of words I want to write.”

When I told him that, he told me that I had my goal. And now, whenever I get down because my Amazon sales rank isn’t going in the right direction or because people are saying that my book should never been allowed to be published, I think about those candles and I ask myself, “Have I lit someone’s candle today? How many candles can I light today?”

And then I go about the business of doing just that.